remember-i-am-here

[remember-i-am-here]

My moods have been swinging at an alarming rate. Good things are happening in my life right now. After working my ass off in an Alternate Educator Certification Program, I'm finally going to be a real teacher in the fall. My S/O and I have moved in together and things are going great. But I still can't remember the last time I went a day without having some sort of breakdown. I really need to start seeing a therapist again, and I might need to get back on meds. But, living in America, I can't afford health insurance, so I'm stuck just coping as best I can for now. Thankfully, I should get employee health insurance when I start teaching, so I'll have to just hope it doesn't get worse in the next month.

[remember-i-am-here]

I got my first speeding ticket this morning.

And I was speeding. It was not ridiculous and wrong for the cop to stop me. I went right on red and sped up quickly, keeping an eye on the cars behind me and trying to make sure I was up to speed without slowing them down. Then I looked down and saw I was going too fast and began to slow down before even seeing the cop. But, still. I was speeding. I know that I was in the wrong.

But by the time the cop came to my window, I was in a full blown panic attack. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. I kept stammering and trying to force myself to take deep breaths just so I could answer his questions. All the while tears were rushing out of my eyes.

What did the cop do when he saw this? He mocked me. While I stammered and choked on my own attempted breaths, he just repeated, "What? What? What? I can't hear you." He watched me struggle for a minute before he added, "Calm down. It's a traffic ticket at the worst." Obviously, that added comment did not alleviate my panic.

My guess is that the officer thought I was faking it to get out of the ticket. But I'm not that good of an actor. I did not want to have a panic attack, but I did. I admit that I was committing a violation, but I did not deserve to be mocked for something I could not control.

[remember-i-am-here]

“See, the thing is, you’ve got this idea of normal that’s not normal. Normal people don’t do everything perfectly. You don’t have to do everything perfectly to be normal. To be normal, you’ve got to kind of relax and let some things go. Your problem is that you’re so used to being in crisis that your whole perception of yourself is as a fuckup, a permanent fuckup, never someone who gets to not be a fuckup, so you have to torture yourself and hate yourself just to be as good as everyone else. You’re having a hard time realizing that you’re not a fuckup anymore. You’re entering a whole different period of your life where you are normal. And you’re having a hard time getting used to it.” I gaze out the window. “But if you’re not trying to be perfect, then how do you know if you’re doing things right?” “There is no right,” she says. “There’s the best you can do. And that’s fine. That’s normal.” “The best I can do is sometimes completely fail,” I say. She shrugs. “Fine,” she says. “The rest of us do it all the time.”

Madness: A Bipolar Life, Marya Hornbacher (via burningforeternity)

[remember-i-am-here]

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[remember-i-am-here]

My boyfriend doesn't want to do anything sexual with me anymore. He's never been the most sexual person, but we've always had fun doing minor things. Now he barely kisses me. He tells me it's a dry spell that happens sometimes and has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feel like that's an excuse.

[remember-i-am-here]

I legitimately want to no call no show for work tomorrow. Things have never been so bad that I've thought seriously about doing that before, and it kind of scares me. I'm tired of listening to the managers talk shit about everyone. I'm tired of hearing profanities screamed. This is a day care. The children can hear. I'm tired of not even making enough to pay rent. I'm just tired.

[remember-i-am-here]

These aren’t my tweets, but I saw this and thought it could be helpful. ✨Girl Power✨

[remember-i-am-here]

Fresh Off the Boat - “Hi, My Name Is…”

[remember-i-am-here]

Would you like to buy an ice cream?

[remember-i-am-here]

Planned Parenthood is fucking amazing, y’all. I haven’t been there yet…but just talking to their HRT line on the phone…

They used my respected name right off the bat. Called me Riley all the way through. Used he/him pronouns. Didn’t slip up once. Asked me and “What’s your legal name? I’m sorry I have to ask that.”

Then asked me “Now is it okay if I send things with Riley Roswell to your home?” not wanting to out me accidentally and then “Is it okay if I send stuff with planned parenthood labels on them or do you want me to be discreet about it?” knowing there are people who could get in trouble with family or partners or others for going there.

OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO CRY AND THEY DIDN’T JUDGE ME AT ALL

THEY WERE TOTALLY ACCEPTING AND ANSWERED ALL MY STUPID FUCKING BASIC QUESTIONS ABOUT HRT ABOUT WHAT THE APPT WAS GONNA BE LIKE

AND SHE WAS SO KIND AND SO UNDERSTANDING

AND SHE RESPECTED ME SO MUCH AND I WAS SO HAPPY

I CAN’T BELIEVE PEOPLE LIKE THAT EXIST IN OUR WORLD.

OH MY GOD.

AND I’M GOING TO BE GOING TO THIS WONDERFUL PLACE ON THE 29TH!!!!!!!!

[remember-i-am-here]

A little international perspective on neoliberalism and our US healthcare system.

Under the leadership of the Democratic Leadership Council (aka Third Way), today’s “Democrats” are the equivalent of moderate Republicans from the 1990s. Please recognize that centrism (aka neoliberalism) is simply a more gradual, incremental concession to conservatism, but still a concession.

[remember-i-am-here]

These dang kids and their easy, fill 10 at a time water balloons. Back in my day we stretched the balloons around the hose one at a time and hoped they didn't break, then tied them off ourselves. It made us stronger. It made the moment of impact so much sweeter.

[remember-i-am-here]

Depression™! 

comes with multiple fun features such as:

exhaustion! but not enough to sleep just lie on the floor like a wet towel

whoops! shouldve eaten 2 hours ago

all food tastes equally boring! yeah that piece of old bread and 4 pickles will do

staring at the ceiling!

lose your train of thought every 5 minutes! whatever youre trying to do sure won’t get done anytime soon

every activtiy feels pointless! even your favourite hobbies. Especially your favourite hobbies!

loneliness! but also you feel like a burden to everyone you know so good luck with that

staring at the wall!

wearing the same sweatpants for 3 days straight! because who can be bothered? not you that’s for sure!

yelling at people for no reason! because now even their breathing annoys you 

staring at the wall some more!

Suddenly crying over tiny things! such as dropping your favourite pencil. it’s not even broken. but who gives a fuck!

ORDER TODAY! 

Or don’t. You’ll receive it either way!

because there is no escape!

[remember-i-am-here]

"SALLY AND I" ARE GOING TO THE PARK WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH "SALLY AND ME." DEMOVE THE OTHER PERSON TO CHECK. YOU WOULDN'T SAY "COME WITH I."

IT’S NOT ‘PEEKED’ MY INTEREST

OR ‘PEAKED’

BUT PIQUED

‘PIQUED MY INTEREST’

THIS HAS BEEN A CAPSLOCK PSA

[remember-i-am-here]

Reblog if you would be comfortable living in a dormitory with an openly transgender or intersex individual. We’re working on a campaign for gender neutral housing and we could use your support.

[remember-i-am-here]

im obsessed w physical closeness, romantically….not even sexually just if u date me it’s all hugging all the time we are gonna lay in bed and im gonna cuddle w u, we will stand in the kitchen and i will stand hip to hip w u, u will sit on the couch and i will stroke your hair and kiss your forehead….it’s so intoxicating as a concept