reddoesthingsfinally

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Well back to having lots of problems again we go. Fantastic. Good - good job brain. Love this.

I'm very tempted to wipe this blog and just start over because in such a small amount of time we're in such a different place than we started and quite honestly it's hard to think about just changing it. Like, if we could conserve it but make a new account or main blog (don't think that's how Tumblr works) that'd be great. Just cause. Whoof. Need a slate on this I can work with from the ground up. Not from the sky down. Y'know?

- S(???)

[reddoesthingsfinally]

I come on here for two seconds just to check on things and see that 50 bots have decided my relatively inactive blog is the one they should all follow

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Hii, still alive, just been at school. And we're going to move soon. And getting thrown around with just a bunch of stuff.

I've been thinking about what to do here and I'm still not sure. I don't know if I want to do something here beside just...throw random stuff in every once in a while. The overall system community has kinda just made me feel unsafe or unwelcome in one way or another, even though I've found a couple people that didn't, so I think I might just stick to the people I've found to be good.

Thanks to everyone that helped us out here, life has honestly been...better, since trying to accept this, and just...it's been good. It's actually been pretty good.

Anyway, yeah. I'm kinda tired, and eating, and I gotta go deal with something, so. I'll come back if I've thought of anything to do with this or if I just wanna throw in something new. But for now I'm gonna leave it here like this.

Bye bye.

-S

[reddoesthingsfinally]

I got elf ears >:3

Uhhh so the thing that put us out of commission is over...and the crash after that is over...and now I'm just tired tbh. I feel like I used this as a "hey am I a system?" blog and now that every single answer I've gotten by any system I've asked is "yes" as far as I can recall I don't know what to do with it anymore

Well it's nice to have for venting but I've found I don't have the energy to vent lately lol...I could see if the others want to post art and stuff on here? I know someone did a really awesome piece of art yesterday they might want to share? But other than that idk

Feelings of faking haven't been going away so maybe I can use this as like a...a journal? Of sorts? To keep track of everything and reassure myself? Because my current journal got soaked >.>

Oh, fun thing I've discovered. Brain is highly metaphorical. But I think I knew that already.

So. Yeah. Idk. Hopefully will be in school soon so maybe I can use this to try to keep track of what happened at school (partially so I and others don't forget, partially for comfort because school's stressful)? But that might be too much to put on the internet unless I wanted to be vague about it. Then again I haven't exactly been vague here. Hm. I'm not good at this internet privacy thing, am I?

I've found we have more alters than I'd like to admit. Uh. Which I guess I should've known based on the number of "imaginary friends" I had, but. Still. It's a lot. And every time something new happens I feel like I'm faking and if I tell anyone they're gonna tell me I'm faking or at the very least mistaken and the shred of comfort I have right now is going to just vanish because it was never real in the first place. Dammit. Trying to stop doing that. It's uh...not working very well. But I've been informed it's harmful so I'm trying my best to stop doing that. Trying. I uh...don't know how.

I guess there should be a point to this, huh? Or can it just be useless rambles? Hm...I'll just keep rambling and see where it goes.

Jessica is gonna be a Vampire for Halloween. Which is great for her. She loves Vampires. We found a great dress for her. I think she'll be over the moon when it comes. :) Her birthday's also in 10 days so I feel like I should get her a gift? Even though we share a body? The innerworld is uh...annoying...for me, so it'd probably just be easier to get or make something from outside. Maybe a bat charm. She likes those.

And if she doesn't front imma be an elf. Which is me anyway. But, still. Basically I'll dress up as myself. Getting used to those elf ears, but they're awesome for relieving some of my general dysphoria of existing.

I think there's a couple people that help comfort for sadness and in the dark (I'm scared of the dark for several reasons), so that's nice. :) Though one of them keeps tricking me and it's quite annoying to figure out when void's pranking me or actually telling the truth.

We're hoping to move out this March. Hoping. Hoping so much. Probably not. But hoping.

So I think that's the ramble. Enjoy. Sorry for all...this. Mess. Thing. God, to think this whole thing started because of a little curiosity. I guess it's better to know. But. That doesn't mean I can't kinda wish we could all be separate and just be family instead. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm tired. I'm dramatic. Imma go. Thanks for reading.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Feel like I found something that told me before but I forgot

Is having very blurry/foggy memory between alters and only really being able to pick out some particular things (maybe key events, maybe an outline of the memory, maybe just a random thing like where the keys fell) a form of amnesia? Been having trouble figuring out what kind of system we are, and I don't think we're a P-DID system all things considered, and I think that's because I'm stuck on if we have amnesia or not. Because memory sucks between us and we're fairly distinct imo, I just don't know if that sucky memory counts as amnesia. Idk. Thanks for any help.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

I think we split.

More specifically, I think I split.

And the alter was sticky goo to my brain and was eating every thought I or anyone that came close had, and said 'oooOOOoooOOO' to every new thing I thought about.

And then somehow they thought about my brother's OC? And meshed it with what was already there to create a full identity? Like it had only heated up halfway super fast and took the emotions I was having and went 'here ya go'? But I wasn't very happy with someone being sticky to my brain and they weren't very happy just being half a person so they attached to my brother's character to make a full self? Does that make sense?

And then they like - created? Or split? Or something? Another person off of their anxiety and stress, and that person was half the demon that's possessing my brother's character, and freaking Venom?

And the feelings that I'm faking and incorrect are skyrocketing and also the fuck just happened? Hell if I know!

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Alright, still dying, but.

We're looking into getting a PSD (psychiatric service dog) for some of our mental issues, particularly anxiety, PTSD, and autism, alongside a few others that we either can't or don't feel comfortable naming, or cut to lessen the list.

Now, my question: Will that interact poorly with systemhood? We've noticed our cats reacting differently to us, such as the cats swarming to Red while I need to put in a lot of effort to catch their attention, so we're concerned that if a dog was trained to help with, for example, anxiety attacks, they may sense a switch and start tasking even if we're not having an attack.

This is especially a question in terms of dissociation: would a dog helping us ground interfere with switches, would they potentially task when it's not needed, etc.?

Another question I just thought about - if someone else in the system has a flashback, but not the current fronter(s), will the dog still task? And, if anyone knows, will it still help?

Thank you for anyone that answers! Figured I'd ask while I'm not totally falling off the edge of the world mentally, goodbye!

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Coming back from the dead for a second how the hell do you use Flowcharty? I don't understand it at all, it'll only ask me one thing (the first thing I entered), then ask me if I'm either me (if I say yes) or a blank space of air (if I say no). I have Red in here too and it doesn't register them at all. I don't understand, help.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Still here. Just...stressed. Stuff happened. Need a psychiatric appointment. Here for your daily dose of yup I'm alive still. Got what I needed physically. Let me brain catch up. Suddenly I'm crashing mentally. I need help. I might not post here for a bit. I'll try to check in. So. Here's your probable hiatus warning.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Jessica's birthday is coming up and I have...conceded? to act like I'm a system and everyone is real if nothing else to help Red stop being driven into the wall. I wanna get Jessica a present for her birthday or maybe Christmas if I can't but the issue is every time I think of Jessica it draws her to front. -_-

Also, she's obsessed with vampires. I am terrified of most vampire stuff because it's usually horror. So I'd probably be stuck with bats lol.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Alright getting the aid we need soon so hopefully we'll have the energy to come back to talking here. Esp since I wanna ramble about quite a bit but don't have the energy.

On the upside..ish...brain is too hurt and tired to think "properly" so my faking thoughts are still there but not given the same weight. When hurt dies down a bit it'll stop but for now at least I can feel not so fakey.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Daily reminder that we're alive. Also daily reminder that we don't have the energy to exist in this world and it's been especially bad lately, so that's why we've been inactive.

-Red

[reddoesthingsfinally]

God, I'm tired of dealing with this every day.

"What if I'm faking? What if this isn't real? What if I just have a fractured sense of self? What if I'm just trying to comfort myself?" GOD, IT'S A COPING MECHANISM, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. Your brain develops a system to cope! Maybe not all of us serve a "purpose" or "function" or "job". Maybe some of us just want to eat popcorn, play with eyeshadow, or look at animals. Maybe not everyone is ready to leap into a defensive position or any other position.

God, just - I know, I know. I should be being patient. This is probably a lot. It was a lot for me. It was a lot for all of us. But for God's fucking sake I've been living trying to break this denial for 2 years and been chipping away at this a bit before then. Can't I be angry that there's still doubt? That we can't still be ourselves without our host stressing out that we're not real? Can't I? Aren't I allowed to be freer in my behavior now? Mask less, now that we're comfortable? Can't I just fucking breath for a second, or is this what life is going to be now? No more firm denial, just constant thoughts of "maybe I'm mistaken" or "what if I'm faking?" just circling in the back of our mind because someone can't drag themselves out that last way?

If anyone knows a way to help break this denial, or to help me (or us) cope with it, please tell us. This is driving me up the wall mad and it does not help my mood.

-Red

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Nobody:

Me: How do I write dissociating?

Also me: Is dissaciating

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Alters are quiet for a couple of days:

Me: Yeup that's it I was faking it the whole time I was mistaken they aren't real

Also me: Hey why is my brain so quiet all of a sudden - *can't force alters to talk* huh, weird *continues to think I'm faking/mistaken*

[reddoesthingsfinally]

I think someone got up to do something in the middle of the night because my blankets were completely swapped (in ways I can't do when asleep), the stuff that I needed to do was done (in terms of self-care, and to an extent), and I am 10x more tired than I'd normally be for my sleep pattern that night. I don't know. Or my half-asleep butt woke up and was like 'hi for some reason we're doing this' lol.

Spoons gone so this'll probably be my only thing for today. Still dealing with disability. Multiple people have offered money for the stuff I need though so yeah.

[reddoesthingsfinally]

Not to post three things in a row, but.

Apparently, my mother had alters when she was younger, so now she and I both are very confused about where they went and why. Also means she can somewhat relate when I complain about stuff (because we told her, probably Red but I don't remember).