redaxem

[redaxem]

Check again

winter always bring a docile self back to the keyboard with a heavy heart. Lately i lash out everyday. Not bringing work home with me, but rather life.

Heretics harrass us for destroying way of life when we never chose to live like this. This society has swept survival to the forefront of human function. Without a pot to piss in, the only cares i have left is that i brought a child into this world and left her in a worse one than i could have imagined to be true. I cant possibly prepare her. When im not strong enough to face it.

But im not alone.

What i cant face is because i couldnt cultivate strength, resilience, intelligence. All these i seemingly have. Seemingly because i fabricated every single one. I wasnt developed, i simply survived.

Maybe im fooling myself. But at the very least she will be better than the both of us.

I wonder if she will sit and ponder like i do. Surely this is just my cope.

Well, if she does i hope she finds more clarity and less questions. Reasons to live and a world for it.

Im used up, gang. Drawing to a close. My chapters are written on a script collecting dust.

For what its worth, i believed for every second that i had more to contribute. Maybe it wouldnt have been too high of a cost. To sacrifice everything. But it didnt feel right. A gut feeling, ya know? A fulfilling life has better payoff potential than whatever i was gonna find in the wild.

I've put this off for far too long.

I regret to announce that this is the end.

That's it.

I bid you all a very fond farewell.

Goodbye.

[redaxem]

Running away from facebook

My natural outlet has been Facebook for a long time. But when the subject matter is something that I think others will detest I turn to Tumblr.

I think when people lose parents at a young age it isn't easy to perceive the way others grieve in response. We all experience tragedy. But what is uniquely specific to folks who lose parents or others without, is that no one is going to be there to help you. I see that misfortune and mourn because their life is never going to be easier than it is right then.

I don't hide that I hate capitalism. That there is a very obvious stacked deck against the people in every economic choice they face. So when I see people who lack any sort of safety net I just respect how hard they had to work, just to be where everyone else is already at. No one paid for their cars, house, wedding, trips, kids, or amenities. No one helped them get a job somewhere. There was no family business to adopt or fall back on when times gyet hard. There's no basement to go back to when things fall apart. It's nonstop perseverance. It's the will to live above all else. On a fundamental level I don't know anything harder than waking up and fighting everyday just to stay where you are.

For me, it bred cynicism. I know not to rely on anyone because they will never be accountable when I need them. But still, I try to put my faith in others when it isn't rewarded.

[redaxem]

Rhetoric

In these moments I delve into writing to circumnavigate the volatile alternatives I nearly let myself commit to. The problem lies in my conviction that how I or something once was is the key to further happiness. But the notion is lost. When my head isn't on backwards I recognize that any form of reversion is a step in the wrong direction. Rather the goal should be to achieve a form of self I haven't reached before. To "go beyond" is the saying in that popular anime. Words are wasted on us when we don't comprehend them. To go beyond isn't to reach 100%; it's not something you ever go back to. Success above all else is warranted by surpassing all feats done before.

Without being my same self-critical shell, I hold no aspirations but all the hope.

My absolution is likely due to a swell of events. None more dire than the life of Vegas coming to an end.

In the passed three days he's lied still, he has showed his awareness and his will to live. But that is not enough. It takes dedication from another. Not 100%; but to go beyond. This help is rare even from those we love the most. How could anyone or anything expect a peaceful rest in this world?

[redaxem]

wake up

There are environments in which we wake up feeling utterly alone in this world. As untrue as it may be, feelings are genuine. You can't tell someone they don't feel some way.

We share pictures to convey the times we have, and the memories made. But there are never pictures reflecting on everything in between. If I told you I was depressed, it wouldn't be a blanket diagnosis. Moreso, I block my own path from advancing. Because I'm incapable of more than a singular direction I denounce everything in the wake of my own disappointment. As if by some act of mercy, I could detach from everyone and become this anointed achiever.

Doubling down on my paralysis, I don't allow myself to act or feel. Maybe for the first time ever I feel utterly out of control; a turn of phrase that has been turned from my intention. Where I had any control before, each day I strip more from myself to void any disappointment.

I could be on my way to a finale. In the infinite hope of evolving beyond this outplayed weakness, no music, no movie, will pull me out of myself. It's going to take 100% real pure-hearted feeling. Even then, will I move?

[redaxem]

Snow again

1/24 ten til midnight

It's crazy, I used to chase these days; nights. Something like 10 years ago it felt like I could muster the biggest surge of inspiration and make some bold new declarations to take my life by storm. Then it dawned on me --- I never had a home or any stability of my own. When it came time to determine what was important to me, all I knew was that I didn't have it. Well transparency has been wasted on me. Here I go again, almost. Rushing out the the door with the house put to bed. Like I finally figured out the perfect run. But the moment I step out of the doors I realize what I'm missing is still inside.

I may have lost it. But it's in there. If I strive to hold onto the past it's because the spark I had could always cast a lasting light. What does any of it matter; achievement, fortune, if I can't see what I already have. The love I have burned so long to hold on smoldered skin. Remind me that we will always have yesterday, today, and tomorrow as long as I can still see in your eyes.

I've been trying to make literal strides to get back to the man I was. Before I really had to try. At one point I thought to myself, "I'm going to help you out of there." As though my younger self was stuck against some behemoth, reaching back. Only to recognize my self awareness couldn't help but laugh. Current me can't be the helper when I'm so close to suffocating. As though I'm so burdened. What could come from such desperation besides more of the same?

Love.

I sometimes think I have a bitter vanity about myself. But it's rather poetic. For so long I couldn't respect myself let alone stand up for myself. All forms of love ignite in me and I feel the fire everywhere. Now, I train my body to keep up before it's game over.

Who can help the helpless if I'm not willing to? I was given a strong back but it's going to take more than that to change the world.

[redaxem]

Dwindled

I had so much fire today. But that's all gone. The hyperman set his sights on capitalism and gave up entirely. No rage in sight. Like the weather man calling for a doozy of a storm only to have a light drizzle.

There is no more.

7/29/22

[redaxem]

"Stop the damn match"

Seeing the failure as it's going is perhaps the hardest thing. What have I done to correct? All this newfound time and not a single improvement. Fantasizing what difference I could make to finally achieve anything, as if I would.

It washed over me today. Giving up. I see her raising herself, failure. I see the other one already checked out, failure. I've done poorly at everything, pretending I would do right by everyone. At this point, I'm just a paycheck. I've been shown for a while now just how dead the love his. Maybe I didn't fight hard to get it back. Maybe it shouldn't have been mine in the first place.

Times like these I can't believe how simple I can be to think somehow this is all okay.

7:25

July 5th

[redaxem]

Looking ahead

Typically, not having sight of the he future isn't a bad thing. But more directly not having a future is very bad.

Everything is bad. And I have fought to keep it this way. What a genius.

[redaxem]

Bonus action: Good Vibes

Memories bask our senses. When sensory is overwhelmed think in a stream you are comfortable with. And get a little cosmic. Remember what matters. None of that small shit needs to bother you. There is only time and we distribute time however we want.

Look at the pictures in your mind. Your old room with Kati. Just two lovers surviving. No matter what. We will always be together.

Vegas. A whole lifetime before Eris. What a concept. It's so happy here. Im not in this hotel right now. My mind can take me anywhere.

Looking back it's so perfect even when it wasn't. You're doing it right. Don't lose sight of the best thing that's ever happened to you. And if you do, look right in front of you. It's in there. You just have dum dum vision turned all the way up.

You see Dom, the thing about the carnival, about paradise, is whether you wander or you're standing completely still, your mind does all the real traveling.

In fact, I've always found the people the best part. And they do come back, but only if you come back too.

No one's wants to be in the same day their whole life. Even the best one. Remember that change has always helped. Remember that wrestling always tells us what can happen next. Remember everything all of the time. And remember that you can't be weighed down.

Remembering may seem like a lot but it really isn't is it? We make the rules. Know this and you are limitless always.

In one word, Dom, heal. This is the ultimate key. Heal yourself and you can heal anything.

[redaxem]

Dom fall flat

When I fall, I fall far and I fall flat. Like an anime kid drifting to the bottom of an ocean with a stare fixed on the stars. Waiting to see a bigger picture.

When I find the corners I realize the thing I wanted to find only brings me sadness.

Someone once said that having is not as rewarding as wanting.

Sometimes my pursuit leads me to find misery. But I'm cursed with neverending want. Should I grow wise enough to deviate from repeating myself, I'd like that.

Maybe life is just constantly falling but I'd like to think that I can stop myself from falling flat til the end of my days.

1/18/22

P.s. happy new year big guy. It was *is* a tough one. I know no one thinks less of you than yourself but I'm always in the corner. Because no one can help you out of here. You don't deserve isolation. At least not from yourself. Abandonment that severe is too cruel.

Good music in the right place will heal you. Seeing them will heal you. Even if you pry too hard or bring the frustration with you, it will be okay.

[redaxem]

11/11

I may have cursed myself.

I've never felt a feeling so pure snuffed out so quickly. Replaced with a sour sensation.

What have I done.

Why am I drawn to all this swell of constant negativity. If all I know is heartache then I have truly wasted my life.

An eternity can only be spent in regret. I may never absolve myself despite how easy it all is.

[redaxem]

10/18/21

One of my most unforgiving habits is gaining motivation in different avenues all at once. My reckless demeanor typically results in trying to engage in more than one major lifestyle change which creates a large wake for psychological damage when I cease to follow through on one or more hobbies.

[redaxem]

7/7/21

I think dates are important.

Particularly bad ones. How can anyone be so mad at the sky? How can such unresolved disgust be passive?

Like a dormant volcano now brimming with activity my worry furthers like the indigenous mountain folk facing a cataclysmic event.

What should I do? Admitting defeat feels appropriate in this hour. Perhaps I should be thankful that I have been given this stubbornness to become myself.

A low thunder resonates in the walls of this house. Like a haunting I've faced my entire life issuing a thought of challenge that this may not be my home either. Still nomadic and desperate for a long road home.

Instead I write as if I can change myself. So many years later, and it has never accomplished a thing. All of my feelings may be just that. As motivated a man I once was, history will forget me all the same. I suppose legacies are born early on, even if they don't know it.

Shows me for always holding out that I was some sort of main character. I played myself. I just never thought I'd pay for it this long.

Still, I want to cross that finish line. Even if I have to crawl there. And yet, am I wrong to ask this of myself when I have you?

[redaxem]

Leftovers

Eating these leftovers again,

Now I'm coming up on 30, with no wealth, no degrees, and no real promise in any industry. I'm just a chimera of bullshit ready to go out on my back the way dad did. A lifetime of no direction and no self-reliance are why I'm here.

But thanks for tuning in anyway.

[redaxem]

Something wicked

"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same"

Each day now I waiver on how patient I am versus how patient I must be. Much like a villain's chagrin, I become newer and faster at the responses that resolve the conditioning in my life that I no longer desire.

I now aim to pluck the metaphorical weeds from this garden and make efficient use of myself for the desired outcome. Bursting with confidence in my choices, I'm going to reemerge from this decay, ever-living.

[redaxem]

Who'd be crazy enough to make a wrestling ring, twice?

Although it may have nothing to do with my major or my foreseeable goals, maybe astronomy is going to be my science lab for a reason. As long as I can remember the moon and the night sky have had an allure to me unparalleled.

And though I distance myself from any sort of cosmic plan or divinity, I find myself in this pattern of love for the night sky and events arranged in bringing myself to peace.

Maybe the answers are with us the whole time. Or maybe there is a little bit of cosmic cooincidence mixed in. It's important not to get distracted by the little details. Just dive into the glimmer and swim deep. Follow that feeling. Free yourself and you might free the world, too.

[redaxem]

"I don't want to talk anymore"

10/22

This is seemingly a start to a chronicle I feel the need to keep. What could easily be chalked up to a physiological imperative for middle-schoolers would be shitty of me. But for reason or another, here I am. Wasted in my own placement. No mood was set. Nothing done wrong, other than we wanted to talk at different times. 2 hours later, what is rug-sweeping? Am i not being boxed out of feeling here? All i really want to do is shut out everything. In a weird sense, it's like there is less dependent on the foundation of us now than 9 years ago. Children with the weight of the world hanging on every interaction. To adults, making and breaking lives, without a fuck to give.

I don't think it's out of sorts, now, when things break down. I just think, "It's going to get more fucked."

Like glass, these cracks only further and no damage undone.

I need to look within these channels of inner spirituality to combat the raging. To realize there is no undoing that needs done. Maybe detachment is the most sincere we can be.

Next chronicle should be due fairly soon. 2 days to a week, I imagine.