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part of me sees taking e as a way to enhance my emotional instability to the point i can finally kill myself because ill never fit anywhere

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why is it so much harder to say “i am transgender” than “im a girl/woman”?

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I wish I didn’t have a penis

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I hate shaving everyday just to feel bad about the result, knowing that it’s worse if I don’t. I hate looking in the mirror and feeling like my shoulders are broader than the day before and my face is more masculine than ever. I hate being like this.

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I feel like I have to be really careful about how I present. I own a lot of women’s clothing at this point and wear it outside regularly (mostly the stuff with counterparts in men’s fashion), and am exploring increasingly feminine styles for my hair as it gets longer, to the point where I can choose to be read as “aspiring transfem” if I want. But I really do not want. Growing up in a world where the trans woman that doesn’t pass is the butt of so. many. jokes. and treated as the punching bag of society, I would much prefer to just be read as a more feminine man at this point. This means being hyper aware about how clothes in men’s and women’s styles contribute to the vibe and deliberately choosing to wear a more masculine top when my hair is more feminine for example. I hate it honestly, but at least I’m succeeding in being perceived as a feminine man rather than failing in being perceived as a woman.

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figured this was pretty obvious when the eggposting reached criticality

o yeah catboy era is cancelled we in catgirl era or just cat era depending how I’m feeling now

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o yeah catboy era is cancelled we in catgirl era or just cat era depending how I’m feeling now

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can’t leave my room because I don’t want to shave. can’t do any work because I want to do it in a dress but don’t want to put on a dress without shaving.

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Something that I had not thought about before is that e will let me feel okay with gaining some weight. I am rail thin and have in some way clung to that because it preserves some amount of femininity of my frame while running on t. I know beauty standards will be in my way, but losing the threat of extra mass going to all the wrong places will be a relief.

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Simple things like leaving my room to take the rubbish out become complicated by the fact that gah I do NOT want to take this dress off

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Heard somebody (jreg) say the other day that there is basically one male beauty standard and ??? I’m sorry Baizhu is my male beauty standard and i dont think that’s what you’re talking about

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This was a joke but there is a kernel of truth in it. Having this tumblr account away from the eyes of everyone I know irl has let me express myself in ways that make the inner me seen. I’ve never been a masculine person but I’ve toed the line of social respectability, so it was valuable to be able to cross that line in private to help find myself.

I know that with how few people see this blog it is effectively a personal diary, but I feel like the type of expression is different in quite a significant way between this blog and my actual intermittent diary.

To be perfectly clear here, tumblr made me trans

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To be perfectly clear here, tumblr made me trans

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My heart aches to kiss someone as a girl. It doesn’t matter who, or what gender. To be young as a girl. Already I have lost so much time.

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This is gonna sound narcissistic as shit and sorta weird, but thinking more seriously about transitioning I’m a bit worried of depriving the world - and myself - of like me as a de facto dude. Like ngl I’m kinda hot, and I’m my own type, and I don’t see anybody around doing masc quite like I am. It’s not me and the status quo gives me dysphoria out the arsehole, but I have to appreciate the style and I would like to still be around somebody like that. Unfortunately thats sort of unlikely.

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🏳️‍⚧️

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Depressionmaxxing over here. So dysphoria coded. Sleepy pilled.