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[recoveryfrommyself]

you deserve good things even after you mess up. read it again if you have to.

[recoveryfrommyself]

about to have my iud removed. I can’t wait but I’m nervous at the same time - I’m scared the removal will cause another hormonal storm that will fuck me up even further. I’m removing it after 6 months because it turned out to be an effective contraceptive option for all the wrong reasons - it caused me to bleed for 2 weeks of every cycle and made my previously nonexistent pmss absolutely violent and lasting at least a week. I’m also afraid to lose more hair - iud is definitely the culprit here and nothing seems to help. funnily enough, I booked an obgyn appointment for the day when I was supposed to have my period, but guess what, it’s not happening. I’ve been sitting at home, completely lethargic, swollen, depressed and unable to feel any positive emotions. it kinda helps when I remember it’s just my dumb hormones make me feel this way and it will pass, but at the moment I’m so goddamn frustrated and just want this hormone emitting wire out of me

[recoveryfrommyself]

i keep thinking about how it feels as if we have developed ourselves an obsession with "healing" these days – and a friend said something that really stuck in my head – "if you're part of a community where you're always trying to heal, then that means that you always need to be sick". like i think that we're all taking this ideal of healing too far saying that everybody needs therapy all the time and resetting your gut biome or surrounding yourself with positive energy or whatever it is that you can come up with. you're always focusing on something that is "wrong" and that needs to be eliminated, after which everything will be okay again. it all sounds like just another way of maintaining an illusion of control over your life and i don't think it's doing us any good

[recoveryfrommyself]

It’s annoying but the way you improve yourself is one tiny thing at a time

[recoveryfrommyself]

Sometimes people are committed to not understanding you. And there’s nothing you can say or do to make them understand. It’s okay to want to distance yourself from them. Sometimes it’s the best thing you can do.

[recoveryfrommyself]

Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Masterpost

The “getting it done in an unconventional way” method.

The “it’s not cheating to do it the easy way” method.

The “fuck what you’re supposed to do” method.

The “get stuff done while you wait” method.

The “you don’t have to do everything at once” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be permanent to be helpful” method.

The “break the task into smaller steps” method.

The “treat yourself like a pet” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” method.

The “put on a persona” method.

The “act like you’re filming a tutorial” method.

The “you don’t have to do it perfectly” method.

The “wait for a trigger” method.

The “do it for your future self” method.

The “might as well” method.

The “when self discipline doesn’t cut it” method.

The “taking care of yourself to take care of your pet” method.

The “make it easy” method.

The “junebugging” method.

The “just show up” method.

The “accept when you need help” method.

The “make it into a game” method.

The “everything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method.

The “trick yourself” method.

The “break it into even smaller steps” method.

The “let go of should” method.

The “your body is an animal you have to take care of” method.

The “fork theory” method.

The “effectivity over aesthetics” method.

[recoveryfrommyself]

healing is not going back to the way things were, the past is not a measure of wholeness

[recoveryfrommyself]

projecting judgement onto others is something I need to pay more attention to

as well as the fact I’m very quick to jump to conclusions myself

and the fact I keep reinforcing my boundaries when I’m feeling lonely and feel shitty and abandoned but not allow any closeness or affection from others

[recoveryfrommyself]

Take responsibility for your emotions by understanding that your emotions come from your thoughts. Recognize that your interpretations and beliefs about situations, not the situations themselves, create your emotional responses. Acknowledge this connection between thoughts and feelings, so you can gain more control, so you can find peace.

[recoveryfrommyself]

Recently I feel like every time I resolve some issue, something else resurfaces from the dark pit of old problems and issues

It’s so fuckin tricky to work on my body image issues when they aren’t linked to weight. I’ve had eczema for the last 4 years and every severe flare up left me completely disgusted with my body and fixated on it at the same time.

it’s such a strange dissociation - I feel completely powerless trying to battle my disgust, as I have virtually no control over my eczema and I’m starting to prepare for more expensive and invasive solutions to get rid of discoloration, hoping it will put my mind back in my body, so I could finally exist without feeling ashamed. but it also feels like a betrayal - I would never expect getting this kind of treatment from any person with a similar problem, I fundamentally believe that beauty industry is a massive unethical scam feeding on our artificially created insecurities and I feel bad just thinking about the money I would spend on lasers, serums and other things that may or may not make my skin look more “normal”.

and yet, I look at my body and I quit. I can’t feel being touched or experiencing any pleasure because I feel like some other me is standing beside me, creepily staring like “are you fucking kidding me? people who look like you don’t have sex, because they are disgusting”.

it feels like the only way to feel my body is to leave my body. and I know the problem isn’t necessarily a matter of discoloration, because it all boils down to shame. shame of existing in a form that is imperfect. shame of not being enough to deserve good things.

sometimes I am close to being finally at peace with that, but then I start thinking about how I’m not making enough effort. how I’m lazy compared to other people who aren’t as defective, and yet, they have enough motivation to improve their looks.

Seeing where it’s coming from but not being immune to it makes me so angry. I can’t stop being disgusted.

[recoveryfrommyself]

Not that anybody asked, but I think it's important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.

It's a necessary emotion. There are reasons we have it. It makes everything so. much. worse. when you use it wrong.

Shame and guilt are DE-motivators. They are meant to stop behavior, not promote it. You cannot, ever, in any meaningful way, guilt someone into doing good. You can only shame them into not doing bad.

Let's say you're a parent and your kid is having issues.

Swearing in class? Shame could work. You want them to stop it. Keep it in proportion*, and it might help. *(KEEP IT IN PROPORTION!!!)

Not doing their homework? NO! STOP! NO NOT DO THAT! EVER! EVER! EVER! You want them to start to do their homework. Shaming them will have to opposite effect! You have demotivated them! They will double down on NOT doing it. Not because they are being oppositional, but because that's what shame does!

You can't guilt people into building better habits, being more successful, or getting more involved. That requires encouragement. You need to motivate for that stuff!

If you want it in a simple phrase:

You can shame someone out of being a bad person, but you can't shame them into being a good person.

[recoveryfrommyself]

“But remembering what

our bodies do for us is an essential first step in finding the ability to feel at home in our own skin. Though I’ve focused

a lot on physical activity, remember that thinking about your body in terms of what it can do is not just about working out.

You don’t have to be fully able-bodied to feel gratitude for what your body can do. You don’t have to run a marathon or complete

CrossFit challenges to be worthy. That’s not all there is to your body’s function. Your body is home to all of the skills

you’ve developed over your lifetime. It facilitates your important social interactions. The movements of your face express

your deepest emotions. And the internal functions of your body, those you can’t readily see, are just as inspiring. Your body

takes nutrients from your food and uses those nutrients to power you as you make your way around the world. How can a body

that does all those things be disgusting or shameful? It’s the chorus of objectifying voices in our culture that blinds us

to these wonders.”

Excerpt From

Beauty Sick

Renee Engeln, PhD

https://books.apple.com/us/book/beauty-sick/id1137543391

This material may be protected by copyright.

[recoveryfrommyself]

one of these days where I’m pretty good but suddenly catch myself planning my goodbye letter distribution lol

[recoveryfrommyself]

ok i kinda surprised myself - i finally went running for the first time since like 10 years? and today i did it again? and it was actually fun and satisfying???

+ i’m scared shitless but i also enrolled in a dj course i dreamed of for the last 2 years and the final assignment will be playing an actual set and i’m so excited i can’t

i think i like this entire „be afraid and do it anyway” approach

thinking about how the fear of being perceived keeps me from doing things I want to do. even if I start, I later withdraw so I can avoid criticism.

examples (and a checklist because I need to work on this)

- running

- attending any sports classes (I used to dance and go to yoga classes every week)

- djing (I make mixes but can’t imagine performing in front of actual people)

- wearing makeup/clothes I like

- showing my art to anyone

every time I get more anxious, the anxiety gets oddly specific and revolves around the possibility of my body failing me in some way when I’m outside (fainting, vomiting, having a panic attack in public, sudden stomachache etc.) I wonder how to help myself without becoming obsessive - I have a few autoimmune diseases+autism and sometimes my body really does respond in unexpected ways in the most inconvenient situations.

[recoveryfrommyself]

[recoveryfrommyself]

thinking about how the fear of being perceived keeps me from doing things I want to do. even if I start, I later withdraw so I can avoid criticism.

examples (and a checklist because I need to work on this)

- running

- attending any sports classes (I used to dance and go to yoga classes every week)

- djing (I make mixes but can’t imagine performing in front of actual people)

- wearing makeup/clothes I like

- showing my art to anyone

every time I get more anxious, the anxiety gets oddly specific and revolves around the possibility of my body failing me in some way when I’m outside (fainting, vomiting, having a panic attack in public, sudden stomachache etc.) I wonder how to help myself without becoming obsessive - I have a few autoimmune diseases+autism and sometimes my body really does respond in unexpected ways in the most inconvenient situations.

[recoveryfrommyself]

despite my mood still being low, today I’m feeling more aware of my resilience. it’s not great, but it’s temporary. nothing bad is actually happening. I’m safe and loved. the hurt lingers, but it doesn’t mean I will go back to my self-destructive thought patterns and maladaptive behaviors and toxic relationships.