rebelinhawaii-blog

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Can’t wait to get started on this! Got it today @llwestcrews @lanalucille #letterstoalostfriend #llwestcrews (at Alabaster, Alabama)

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Weird.....

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Shit he texts me. #wtf #shithesays #crazymaking #abusive #controlling #hesalwaysright @thegassedlight

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

My life. #depression #dontcare #numb

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Yup. My husband always says oh well if I’d give him more kisses and hugs, have sex with him more then he would be fine and happy with our relationship. Me on the other hand.... well that doesn’t matter to him really

Memory #2

She kept saying that she was having a hard time adjusting to moving across the country, which was understandable, but eventually she started blaming me for her difficulties. She told me that I wasn’t affectionate enough, and that if only I “held” her at night more, she would be happy. I stayed up late holding her some nights, but woke up exhausted because I wasn’t able to sleep in that position. I told her this, and she seemed to understand, but as the weeks went on, her remarks turned from blaming into threats (“If you don’t hold me when(ever) I want to be held, this relationship will never work”, etc).

Later, when I tried to do anything without her (including sleep) she told me that I was “building a wall” between us, that the emotional distance that she felt was all my fault.

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Memory #7

I remember her emphasizing how “patient” she was with me when I did not do exactly what she wanted me to do. At the time, I remember this was irritating not only because it was condescending, but also because it felt like she was trying to get me to believe that I was a deeply flawed person with behaviors that required an immense amount of patience. She would often say this to me when I was unable to read her mind and intuit her “needs.” 

In reality, feeling this expectation from her demanded an incredible amount of patience and self-sacrifice on my part. It is beyond draining to be in a relationship with an adult who throws temper tantrums when you are unable to read their mind and when you fail to live up to their unspoken and/or impossible expectations. 

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Memory #9

We had been out and about all afternoon and evening, and when we got home I had a couple of things that I needed to do. I sat down in front of the fireplace and began to work. About a minute later, she said “Hey. You know what we should do right now? Plan my birthday!” 

It was February. Her birthday is in September.

In response, I said something like “Can we do that later? I’m tired and I have to catch up on a couple of things. Plus, your birthday is not for another 6 months.” 

All of a sudden, she got cold and angry and told me to “not use that tone” with her. I was confused because I didn’t know what “tone” she was talking about. I said sorry, and tried to keep working, but I wasn’t able to focus. What had just happened?

A few minutes later I jumped when she slammed her laptop shut. I asked her what was wrong, and she said “I want to go to New York for my birthday, but Matilda is not playing on Broadway then.” She proceeded to throw a silent, sullen temper tantrum about it, so I stopped what I was doing and sat down next to her on the couch. I said “Fine, we can plan your birthday right now,” to which she replied something to the effect of “No, it’s clear that you don’t really want to,” implying that I was the one that had ruined the mood of the evening.

That was the moment that the walking-on-eggshells feeling began. After that, my fear of “causing” another abrupt mood shift grew. I began to withdraw and censor myself, for which she yelled at me for having “trust issues” and “building walls” between us. Part of me still believed that if I could say and do the “right” things, our relationship could go back to the way it was in the beginning. 

It only got worse.

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Omg I just fucking posted the same thing.

He’d ask me this, what felt like a million times per day. On the phone. Text messages. In person.

Do you like me? You still like me? Like me? You hate me? Do you like me? Hello?

All the fucking time.

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

He’d buy me gifts after a fight. They were never intended as an apology, but as a means to pacify me because I was the one with anger issues. He’d tell me he got me this or that to calm me down. To shut me up.

Boasting… “See? Look at whatta nice guy I am? Aren’t you happy now?”

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Most days.

[rebelinhawaii-blog]

Why

I feel like I’m in a verbally / emotionally abusive marriage. No one else sees it. We’ve tried counseling so many times. Things will go back to “good” for a while but it always goes back to this.