re-renewed

[re-renewed]

March 6, 2019

I see you.

It’s weird, when you’re living in the moment, it’s hard to recall them later.

But now that you are no longer an option, I see you everywhere.

I remember the night of our first date.

We walked home because we were too young to drive. 

We laid side by side and looked at the stars.

We did that two years later, too. 

This time in your grandpa’s old Toyota, sun roof open at 11 PM.

I had a curfew but our hands were too busy to check the time.

I remember falling asleep with my head in your hand.

You held me that whole bus ride home.

I remember kissing you for the first time;

so quick and surprising.

I remember first holding your hand, I remember sharing lunches.

I remember having no money because we didn’t work yet.

I remember getting my first job and you’d pick me up and we’d eat taco bell.

I remember when we’d get yelled out for sleeping in the same bed.

It’s funny how it only took a couple of months for your parents to realize we wouldn’t stop. 

Now I’m practically moved in. 

I have a drawer, a blanket, a toothbrush, a washcloth... 

Some of my best pieces hang in your closet.

Now that I think about it, what we had was almost too real.

We’re only 20.

I see you in everything now, not just the memories.

I see you in the zebra doves, I see you in mochi ice cream.

I think about what you say when I sleep without washing my face because I get too scared to run out in the dark.

I feel you when our song comes on. 

Funny how every song became our song. 

Well, not funny for me anymore, I guess.

I feel you when I am alone.

I feel you when I am surrounded. 

I check my phone for messages, even though you wouldn’t text me back to begin with.

That shit hurts.

I miss you.

I miss when you’d call. 

I miss when my love for you was not a question.

I miss when you did not have to question our love. 

I miss you and it’s been 6 hours.

How do you erase the memories of 6 years in 6 hours?

[re-renewed]

March 6, 2019. 6:04 PM.

again. I just dont want it to keep happening. I know I know I know its toxic, simply because I am not growing, and I am no longer getting what I want to get out of this relationship. But at the same time you are so perfect to me. Am I being superficial? Is something else the matter? Am I really so unhappy that I need to end this? Does it have to do with being mistreated, or does it have to do with my pride? Me thinking I somehow deserve better... do I or do I just THINK I do? I know how hard relationships are and people these days are crazy... I don’t know if I’ll ever want to even find anything like that again because that takes sooo much trust. I don’t think I can trust someone again like that or go through this again with anyone else. But at the same time right now I don’t want this with him. I don’t know what I want, because I do not want to lose him, but at the same time I do not know if I can afford to stay.  I just think it’s unfair for me to always be thinking more about if we weren’t together vs the things we can do while we are together. 

He keeps saying I shouldn’t leave, but I do not want him to stay with someone who does not completely love him. He deserves to be with someone who loves him without conditions, who loves him and his mistakes, because for her those mistakes will lead to action. For me it was not that easy. I truly believe for the right people, you make the right decisions. I believe when the time is right and you know all you need to know, you’ll be able to be all you need to be for the right person.

Part of me feels like I might have missed out on good opportunity because I was stuck on him. But at the same time I don’t regret any of the time passed. I loved him through it all. I think I do still love him, it’s just different now. It is a different type of love. A love that can no longer change because its stone now- its not conditional, but it is not unconditional. It no longer grows, but at the same time it no longer grows distance. It’s just... there. 

That’s not how I want to explain the type of love I have for someone I am supposed to be in a serious relationship with.

I wish I could just pack my stuff and disappear... I don’t want to explain my actions to anyone, I don’t want to have to discect my feelings for my friends. I don’t want to have to heal, in a way I wish I could just put it behind me. I know what I need to do. I know it’ll get better sooner than later, I just have to let it happen. It’s just really hard when the person you’re losing is literally your everything. Your habits, good and bad. Your feelings, every positive and negative emotion. Your dreams, big or small. They are all of it. Every little distraction, every huge compromise, every plan and vision- you see them in all of it. In every flower, bird, tree, bed- they are there. 

I’m going to write again. 

[re-renewed]

i didnt want you to leave.

i know i am the one who cut things off,

i am the one who refused to listen to another poor reason.

but i didnt want to go.

you left me a long time ago.

when you stopped calling, stopped showing up, stopped loving me.

you left me before you realized.

it only took me giving up for you to realize you had given up, too.

[re-renewed]

clawing.

scraping. screeches like styrofoam.

take control. take control now, before it takes control of you. 

its creeping and slithering up,

your gut takes a hit first.

you curl up. you tuck your feet it.

fetal position.

you’ll end the same way you came.

it snakes higher and higher.

your heart palpitating. 

faster and faster and faster,

but still, 

you dont object.

your hands, clenched into fist,

arms folded across your chest.

you can’t fight anymore,

you can only try to defend what is left.

but it’s too late. 

what is left?

a body- disconnected.

the mind is elsewhere.

the body you can no longer control,

because the mind is out on business.

your mind is in control;

you are not in control of your mind.

you tell yourself to calm down,

that morning will come.

and so will people who are hidden in night shadows.

but you know its at your darkest hour where their presence would matter more.

morning doesn’t need someone.

morning doesn’t need anyone.

my mind at night is eating me alive,

but you couldn’t see that in the daylight.

[re-renewed]

its like i want to try and be alone but i cant. i know it’ll eat me alive too. either way, i lose. 

[re-renewed]

so scary its all so scary and superficial i wish i could just be happy please let me rewind a year or so, that way i can change things so i cant lose them, i’ll just never have them in the first place

[re-renewed]

December 14, 2018 12:39 AM

i really feel like giving up sometimes. i thought last year was bad but this year is worse. i know i could be someone i am proud of being but im just stuck in this funk i cant shake. i feel unloved, unhappy, and ugly. i feel like im so far from who i want to be, and i feel like i may never get there. its like im reaching and reaching and reaching but right when my fingers graze, it shifts again and im left too tired to reach out again. it becomes less and less worth it the more i have to struggle for it. my friendships, school, relationship, everything. im just burnt out. i dont know how to be better for myself without making all the wrong decisions. but yet all i’m making is wrong decisions. i dont know.

[re-renewed]

July 25, 2018 (9:54 AM)

I think I’ll never be happy, I think I’ll always feel out of place, and I think I don’t care enough to care if anyone cares about me anymore

[re-renewed]

July 6, 2018 (2:16 AM)

They’re back. They came back. This is why I never deal with anything because they came back

[re-renewed]

I’m going to keep fighting for my right to be happy.

[re-renewed]

July 6, 2018 (12:36 AM)

I hate being alone; I hate feeling unwanted.

I cannot go back to who I was last year. I refuse. I will claw myself back out as fast as I can. I cannot go through that again.

[re-renewed]

June 11, 2018

do you ever feel like you’re always the one hurting, that by the time it comes for you to be hurt, you don’t know? does everyone do this? are we all subconsiously protecting ourselves? are we all aware of the hurt that comes?

[re-renewed]

think of me when the sky is pink

and when you are feeling blue.

i’ll envelope you in still nights

and see you in cliche rendezvous. 

[re-renewed]

10:09 PM

i feel sick i need to study but i just... wish you would call like we said you wouldn’t... i seriously feel so sad i dont know what to do with myself lol

[re-renewed]

I smoked two cigarettes and i dont even smoke

[re-renewed]

9:55 PM

I miss you so much. I cant study, I dont take care of myself... im breaking out and i want to cry all the time. i think of smoking and wish i could just numb it. I really really miss you. im telling myself it was unhealthy, I cant center my life around you that way. i need to find balance. but holy, i miss you more than ive ever missed you before.

i thought that maybe my heart would move on. you had hurt me so much, i thought maybe I deserve to find a better love.

and maybe i do. but maybe i dont. 

all of me wants to just learn, and i hope you learn too, and be with you again. you are my first and last choice. i only want to choose you, and i dont want to be with any other guy. none of them fit me quite like you do.. and maybe thats not true but i dont even want to try it. i dont want options or experiences. i just want to be with you. 

[re-renewed]

February 4, 2017 (7:37 PM)

I miss you even when it’s not 3 AM. You are so kind and patient. You are an optimistic and I know you love me. You have grown, even tho I didn’t realize how much. We hindered each others growth but we also taught each other many lessons. I didn’t give you enough time to become a man because I kept treating you like a boy. It’s not all my fault; it takes two to tango. But me and you both brought each other down for a time being.

Jesus, I want us to work out. I want to be your lady, I want to be your baby. I want us to be forever. You are the best thing that I could have asked for.