ratandcrow

[ratandcrow]

I can't sleep again.

I've done every soothing trick I can think of

I am simply not tired

I want to go to sleep

I've been bored since I got home from work

There's chores I could do

Folding laundry

Scrubbing dishes

Taking out the trash

Making a checklist of every single thing in this godforsaken apartment before I have to pack it all up and move it further away from my remaining family than I have ever been

We got the approval letter for the new apartment 2 days ago

850 square feet of real estate to be ours in just a single month

Quite the upgrade from the 568 we currently inhabit

I've tried visualizing what to do with the extra 282

How to rearrange our belongings to fit a new floorplan

And though we toured I did not have enough time to personally stand in the space and soak it in to recall enough details to make a proper plan

Is the backside of the kitchen wall big enough to fit the couch?

Which side do the windows face?

Are the windowsills big enough to put our plants on them or will I have to find them an alternate resting space?

Where are all the outlets?

Is there a spot for the wifi router or will I need to make one?

Does the fridge have a cheese drawer?

So many questions, no answers

I wonder if this is why I can't sleep

[ratandcrow]

My brother just died

Drunk off his ass in an inflatable kayak in the local reservoir

We call it a lake, but it's a reservoir

The dam is too big for it, which causes massive amounts of underwater movement, you're only allowed to go out a few yards onto the water because of this

And yet there he is, 17, at the bottom of the lake

They can't retrieve him til morning

The last time we talked was my 18th birthday, when he told me that I was a failure and that he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again

This last birthday he apparently texted my sister, trying to get ahold of me, but she didn't tell me until today, until he was already under the water

His twin is furious, of course, we all are, but he's just bold enough to show it

We knew that his headstrong stubborn hot-headed "I'll do what I fucking want and you can't stop me" attitude was going to get him in trouble, but we severely miscalculated the type of deep water he'd be in

We're going to bury him with my mother

It's what he would have wanted

Reunited after 16 years apart

We're going to make that 2000 mile trip back home to do it

I always said I wanted to visit my home again, but this isn't what I meant

[ratandcrow]

I imagine myself dying every time I leave the house. When I go to work, or the grocery store, any time I'm behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, hell I imagine myself dying even in the house. Everything is a threat to me all the time according to my brain.

Every time I go to work I think, what if a shelf breaks and I get hit with some furniture or some other heavy merchandise we for some reason have on a shelf 10 feet in the air. Every time I go to the grocery store it's the same thought.

When I sit at a light and I have my blinker on to make a turn I think, what if, when I go to make this turn, this other person, supposedly turning the opposite way from me, decides not to do that and I get ran over? Getting on the highway is worse, especially in bad weather. What if someone in a lifted truck doesn't see me and just runs me over? What if a semi splashes water onto my windshield and I crash into a pole or tree before I can get it off?

I wish I could let my guard down for even a moment, but I even worry about slipping in the shower and cracking my head open on the tile. Every time i cook i worry about accidentally filling my apartment with gas, or burning the place down.

Have most of these things even come close to happening? No. But I often forget the steps for things, and have hurt myself before by forgetting something, so I guess it's not to much of a leap to go from oh that's gonna leave a scar to fatal accident.

I just wish I wasn't so afraid of anything and everything

[ratandcrow]

I hate how obsessed with appearances I am. And not in a "I like looking at myself" way, rather in a "if they see the wreck of a human being i truly am they will see i am not worthy of the little love and respect I get" way. No one gets to see me completely unfiltered, i barely even see myself like that, cause I hate it.

I hate the clothes I can't be bothered to fold, the car I can't bother to clear my things out of the backseat of, the body that I can't be bothered to properly take care of. I hate it all. I hate seeing the messes I make and knowing ill have to clean them up later, I hate getting dressed cause it means ill have to do laundry sooner or later, I hate making my own food because ill have to do the dishes.

Most especially I hate my body. Not necessarily the way it looks (I am actually quite indifferent about my appearance, though when I care I care a lot.) But the way it functions, or rather, doesn't. Everything hurts all the time and I can never escape it. My knees, switching between feeling like jelly or like someone has a screwdriver in the side of them and occasionally just twists as hard as they can, sending shocks of pain through the bone. My spine and its ever aching in that one specific spot on my lower back that no matter what I do it still hurts. That weird bone aching pain I get in the middle of my forearm for no reason that I have no explanation for, and just everything about the way my body doesn't work makes me want to just never get out of bed again, because sometimes I wake up and I question if I even can.

At this point I eat ibuprofen for breakfast every day with nothing but water to accompany it, and even that is self destructive. Its not like the pills do anything anymore anyways, but I still do it. I guess some part of me hopes that it'll start working again and things will stop hurting, but I dont know if this hurt will ever stop.

But I would never show this to anyone else. I've gotten close, on accident. My partner playfully tugged me into the kitchen the other day causing my knee to give out, which resulted in me having a minor breakdown until I snapped to my senses, stopped crying, and got my shit together. Because even this person, especially this person, that I love more than I could love anything in the universe, can't see how broken I truly am.

I keep the sobbing, and the messes, and my scattered thoughts to myself, and present only the not perfect, but better, me, to the world, and to my mirror every day.

[ratandcrow]

Feeling alone again. It's not an unfamiliar feeling, it never has been. But still, it hurts to be ignored. Especially by the people who are supposed to be there for you.

Why do I even bother feeling upset by it anymore? They've always excluded me from things, even when I lived under the same roof as them, they would wait until I was preoccupied with something I couldn't neglect, and then they would disappear, leaving no signs of where they had gone or when they would return, so I would sit, alone, occupying myself with literature or coloring books, or if I was feeling bold, staring at the ceiling. And sooner or later they would return, sometimes I would have been in bed for hours by the time they did, others they would walk in, noisily talking about their outing, the food at the restaurant they went to (while I ate whatever I could microwave), or the movie they saw (while I read one of the 4 books I have always kept in my possession, each of which has been read a hundred times) or the arcade they went to (while I played solitaire at the table), and didn't even bother to say hello.

After a while, I stopped asking "what about me? Why did you leave me here, alone? Why didn't you say you were going somewhere?" Because they would never give a straight answer. I always felt like a ghost within the walls of the home I shared with them, and since I now live alone, they have even more excuses to ignore me, though I live essentially right down the street.

So why, with this track record of theirs, do I still feel hurt when I find that they've gone somewhere fun without even asking me if I would be interested in going? Even if the answer was no, I still would have liked to have been asked, or even informed that an event was occurring. They could have invited me, I could have gone, I could have paid for everything myself and stayed in an opposite corner from them, if they really wanted to exclude me so badly. It just would have been nice to have been asked.

[ratandcrow]

Dear reader,

Congratulations, you have found the unfindable. This is my own personal journal of sorts, documenting my own self discovery and personal growth.

Be cautioned if you read, dear observer, this account mentions my many traumas, things which I have come so far in healing from, but am far from over with the fight.

I would caution you to turn away, ignore this blog and myself completely, and to not scroll through what this blog has to offer, because none of it was meant to cross your eyes anyway, but that is entirely up to you, after all, I do not dictate how people interact with the things I post publicly on the internet. Though I do hope no one acknowledges this blog or my own existence here and this account remains a secret long after this site has burned to it's last ash.

Thank you for your time, dear viewer, and may this post be the last of mine you read