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My public scrapes with Secret Escapes

 Hi one and all! 

Long-time no rant! I’ll be completely honest with you, I had thought my ranting days were over, moving from ranting to a world of pure love and logic! (apart from obvious things that you want to rant about like…I dunno…the  hashtag #gainz or the odd phenomenon of people watching people open boxes) But alas….A company has dragged me back into the foulest of foul moods (Or as Blackadder might once have said ‘fouler than a shed load of chickens, two footing each other from behind with the smelliest of smelly feet!’ Oh Ben Elton…what happened to you?) 

What started as a general complaint about being mis-sold a holiday, has started to escalate into some weird sort of bullying tactics? Including half truths, half lies, trying to blind me with science, and telling me what I can and can’t do! So I thought I would share this experience with you all over the coming weeks, for a couple of reasons: 

Disbelief- How can a company like this have such a bad customer service process?

Disbelief- I know…I am repeating myself.. But I still can’t work out how a company like this get’s to where it is without having even the most basic customer complaint process.

To find others- I want to find as many people as possible who have been treated badly by Secret Escapes so that we can hopefully get them to understand that this behaviour is not acceptable.

  How can you help? If you are reading this, please share it far and wide so that we can find others in similar situations but perhaps aren’t filled with the kind of disappointment that makes them dust off an old Tumblr account that had been long since forgotten! Hopefully I can start to report on others experience to try and shine a light on malpractice in any possible way I can!

 My first post will be this weekend, then I will try to do 2 a week to keep you all updated. 

For now, thanks for reading

Keep on ranting

Mo

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I'm not big cleaning, but this one couldn't wait! #mrdukes #flatfacedbastard #fuckthehoover!

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All y'all wannabe playas dunno nuttin till you gots a king sized muferfukin wall mattress! 🌚🍮🔛 Translation: all of you who pretend to have a life of wealth aren't fooling anyone and cannot prove they live a life of luxury unless they too have a water stained king sized mattress on their wall in their bedroom emojis used incorrectly to try and give the illusion of being down with the kids when actually having the opposite effect of making all people think that you should probably grow the fuck up! #thisisntasexthing #howdareyoueventhinkthatthisisasexthing #filthysexpeople #idontwanttobeapartofyoursexfestival

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This week on #hettyandmosbigcleanvinyl we have ourselves a lovely bit of Hancock #herbiehancock a sultry Hetty, a gigantic courgette #bigoldcourgette and a sweaty (slightly intimidated) Mo (cinematographer) lets get these fucking floorboards scrubbed! #floorboards #bigclean #sweatyoldsweed

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I have a couple of titles for my latest art piece knocking around, they are either: 1. Three shades of Adam 2. An ever expanding Adam 3. Time + Office = red face 4. 6.5 years, 3 shirts.....1 tie 5. I could have completed my space cowboy training by now! Please vote in the comments below(don't vote....no, do vote, vote today, just not on this fucking nonsense!) #art #metaselfie #bloodptessurewillgetthebestofus #redfacepurpleshirt

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Tis time for another verse of this years biggest viral hit! MYSTICAL FOX 'Mystical fox, roaming round the ends Mystical fox, why the fuck don't you like hens? Mystical fox, get back at the coup! Mystical fox, enjoying onion soup! #tripleplatinum #thesleeperhitofthesummer #takethatkeatsyourimanticfuck #peeltheonion #itreallyisalovelyvirgininternetbox

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This weeks guest has a long standing history with one of your faithful hosts, having been Mo's bestie since way back when! This means she has had more film chats with Mo than almost anyone other than The Haze! She was once one half of the mythical DJs 'KittyKillas' and her whole romantic happiness was brought about single handidly by Mo forcing her to go out with a young bumbler called Wiggy! We are, of course, talking about @laura_jane1986 She has five influencial films to talk through, some of which we love, some of which we dont! Such is life! ENJOY! (Link in bio!) #filmpodcast #fivefilmdeathpunchpodcast #theaudioworkspodcast #crazytalk #kittykilla #podcast #film #moviepodcast

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As an L&D Officer, I go by many names! #asimplecaseofmistakenidentity #erichitchmo #idotagreewiththatintheworkplace #haveyoubeentothecoventryconferance #thewankingclaw

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I have a Monday morning song for you all! 'Mystical Fox, getting at the onions! Mystical Fox, ripping up the bin bag! Mystical Fox, disappears at first light! Mystical Fox, oh where do you go? Ohhh young Foxy, flying high above us in the morning light! Ohhhh young Foxy, leaving me to clean up all your shit you shite!' If any of you creatives want to add music and make millions then all I ask is that you put my name in the thank you notes somewhere! That, and royalties!

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Life less delicious

Today is my 8 year anniversary of stopping the old smokingdales that I loved sooooo much! 8 years and a day ago, I would easily be 5 deep by now! but 8 years ago today.....well, that was a different matter! (For the film version of my life, I see this bit narrated by Daniel Kitson, when he says 'That was a different matter then the camera will go all blurry before refocusing in a black VW Golf with me and Wiggy in the front with Kitty in the back (Ideally me played by Toby Jones, Wiggy played by 50 Cent, Kirsten Dunst for Kitty).

I remember saying to Wiggy and Kitty as they drove me to Boots (Sixfields, back in the days when having a boots in sixfields was still a big deal!) to grab a pack of those tampon applicator things (Vape was a thing of science fiction back then! Thank fuck! If I ever had to have a conversation about the best place to get a wide variety of vape flavors then, ironically, it would instantly start me smoking again! Also, the word vape sounds like a needlessly specific sex crime!)

I remember saying to the both of them, as they looked at me in disbelief (This look of disbelief could have been due to the fact that I smoked a lot, so they found it difficult to believe that I was actually going to quit. But it could quite as easily been because this was the first time they had ever seen me without a cloud of delicious nicotine heavy smoke obscuring my natural good looks and stunning eyes....you would have to ask them for clarification!) 'I am serious, this is it for me! In fact, I am so certain that I am not going to smoke again that I will make you this outlandish promise....

‘I Adam 'Mo' House, do solemnly swear that I won't smoke a cigarette again until we as a country decide to leave the EU, a reality star runs the USA, and Leicester win the premier league' There! That should do it, I thought, I have now put so many ridiculous provisos that I would definitely never smoke again!

So it was with mixed emotions last year that I realised that I could actually smoke again without breaking my declaration....but I didn't want to.... I will admit, in hindsight, that I didn't realize just how powerful my declaration of not smoking could be, it appears that I have some sort of super power...so today I am going to test this out!

'I Adam 'Mo' House, do solemnly swear that I will not smoke again until Corbin becomes PM, Ru Paul becomes the president of USA, women not paying tax on luxury items such as tampons and sanitary towels (Cotton ponies and fanny nappy's if you prefer!), people of mixed race aren't instantly referred to as black (This sentence brought to you on behalf of white liberal guilt!) and West Ham win the champions league' That should do it!

(I have just thought, the look of disbelief may also have been due to the fact that I made them stand in the car park next to Boots whilst making a loud and arrogant public declaration whilst they just wanted to get back to HB2 to watch some McFly and eat some Pasta ‘n’ sauce!)

For those of you thinking of quitting, let me give you the low down on where I am after 8 years free of those delicious sticks!

1. I still get a weird hankering for it about once every 3 months. 2. I don’t think I have had more than maybe

2 night terrors this year, so that is a new PB! (Night terrors only started after the smoking stopped!)

3. I still sometimes think about buying a tanned leather jacket and wondering around whilst puffing away, but luckily I have enough self-awareness that I now know that the best I could hope for in a tanned leather jacket is looking like a 3rd rate 70s Irish mafia collector from the Bronx who is one white pudding away from a heart attack in a bath tub…and the worst and annoyingly, more realistic look I could hope for is that of a simple, sweaty fellow who would sit next to strangers on the bus, is probably on multiple registers and who, when you look at me from a far, you are convinced would smell strongly of beef and onion crisps!

So instead I now stick to my ‘looks like he could probably put a shelf up, but it wouldn’t last long....3 years max!’ look that I have curated in my later life!......this self-congratulating post really got away from me!

May the Second be life long!

Bye

Mo

X

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This weeks guest is a full blown ruddy mover and shaker in the movies! Yep, a fully fledged movie mogule who's credits include Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them....but we think we can all agree that the thing she is best known for is attending St David's middle school with Mo! I would imagine that is the big reason that so many millions of you will download this weeks episode! I am talking about the ruddy delectable and almost sarcastically talented Camilla Wren! Camilla was lovely enough to invite us into her home and takes us through her films of influence which spans three decades of amazing films! Enjoy! (Link in bio) #audioworksnetwork #fivefilmdeathpunchpodcast #filmpodcast #podcast #likeandsubscribe #crazytalkpodcast #writer

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This weeks #guestwearingoneofmyjumperswhichisobviouslywaytoobigforthem is the legend that is Mr Dennis Green! When he isn't standing in the pissing rain watching cobblers lose on a Tuesday, he can be found trying the chef special at Morrisons cafe! He stayed with us a couple of weeks ago and when he departed he left us with two pot plants, a lamp and a travel sized bottom of shampoo! I have found myself sitting in the spare room flicking the lamp in and off whilst thinking of him! (I also used his travel shampoo on a business trip last week!) They don't call him Den 'Shamplantlampoo' Green for nothing! #headandshoulders #lamploversoftheworldunite #twopotsarebetterthanone #morrisonscafe

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EASTER SPECIAL! This weeks #guestwearingoneofmyjumperswhichisobviouslywaytoobigforthem is podcaster, musician & film buff @megtwelve we all remember the famous song by 60s pop sensation Willy and The Wannamakers that goes 'she has forks, forks, forks, where her hands should go! And those forks, forks, forks, as you already know! In the light, light, light, just watch how they glimmer! What a sight, sight, sight, when she sits down for dinner!' And although we can all agree that it's a solid gold pop hit from yesteryear, to people like Meg, who live with cutleritus on a daily basis, it's a borderline racist term that has no place in our modern world! Check out her podcast #crazytalk and her bands @ohboytheband and #futurelove, or just marvel at her being swamped in my oh so big jumper! Enjoy eating chocolate Jesus' this weekend but if chocolate and celebrating men getting nailed to trees isn't your thing, then enjoy whatever you are doing! From all the team here at #myclothsarebiggerthanmostclothsproductions we bid you a happy Easter! #audioworksnetwork #podcast #ohboy #forforkssake #willyandthewannamakers #peoplewearmyoversizedclothing

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This weeks #guestwearingoneofmyjumperswhichisobviouslywaytoobigforthem is the rarely spotted @halojeno ! Rumour has it that Bill Oddie once camped for 17 days straight to get a solitary snap of this rare beast! But all it took for me to get a cheeky pic was a Matcha latte from the impeccable folks at @groundcraftcoffee! #podcastpartners #audioworksnetwork #fivefilmdeathpunchpodcast #bestlatteinntown #crazytalk

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This weeks #guestwearingoneofmyjumperswhichisobviouslywaytoobigforthem is the man, the myth, the gaffer @joshuaastrop! When Josh isn't putting up with the Partridge hating ways of @halojeno, he is hosting and producing three of the nations greatest podcasts, running an absolute beut of a rehearsal room, @theaudioworks putting on secret gigs, and numerous other projects and endeavours! I, on the other hand, was so knackered from taking my jumper off that I had a little lie down after this was taken! (Thanks to @groundcraftcoffee for the impressive backdrop) #audioworks #audioworksnetwork #crazytalk #fivefilmdeathpunchpodcast #groundcraftcoffee #bestflatwhiteinntown

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This week’s guest has more string to his bow than Trump has lies to each tweet (Satire!, obvious and overused satire!) He is so deep into music that he has worked with Sony, BBC Radio 1, 1Xtra and is now part of the mighty Soundcloud! So yeah, I am going to say he is single handily responsible for all the best music ever in the world ever (I have no physical evidence to back up this claim, but apparently that is ok now….so let the good times roll!) Add to this that he can tub thump with the best of them! He even had a stint at the Northampton institution that is Driver! I am, of course, talking about @bdawhybrow We went to meet him in his place where he played us with pure Colombian coffee and told us about his five influential films! Please download, rate and subscribe!

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This weeks #guestwearingoneofmyjumperswhichisobviouslywaytoobigforthem is the infamous T-bone! She is one of those people who is simply great people! She is the type of people that you say things like 'shall we see what T-bone is up to?' Or 'let's ask T-bone if she has any plans!' Basically she rocks and it was a pleasure to see her don the oversized jumper! #tboneinajumper #peoplewearmyoversizedclothing #peoplewearmyclothswhoaresmallerthanme