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[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, Feeling Oddly Emotional with Leaving Atheism

Journal 9

I’m not trying to change anyone’s beliefs here, atheists or religious. Just telling my emotions somehow. I feel like talking about this would bring me shame from both sides, but not talking about it at all would just make me sink deeper into depression. I figured. . . even if a whole crowd of people hated me, it would made me feel less sick than not talking about it at all. 

I’m scared that if I don’t talk about it, my mental health condition will just get worse and worse. Whatever it is, please find someone else to argue this about. Someone the least bit more emotionally stable. . . but I need to talk about it anyway. I’m begging with you, even with our differences, I hope you can think gently of me and we can accept each other our differences. 

I memorized a lot of the logical arguments for atheism, and likely if anyone came up with me with it, I’d already have heard of it. I’ve been an atheist since I was 12, thinking a lot of the Christian fundamentalist teachings I heard were illogical. Bet a lot of you know. The stuff around homosexuality, abortion, sexism, not believing in evolution, and so on.

I still believe what I learned about that then as a kid. Still think Christian fundamentalism is pretty stupid, and if you’re thinking of arguments against why  progressive Christianity is illogical, I memorize that too. Such it is with atheists. If you’re religious in an argument, they assume you are Christian. All this talk about defending discrimination with non-Christian religions with atheists like Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism and more, but so often when talking about hating religion, they seem to forget how they supposedly support others with that.

I’m too tired to argue the details. Maybe with more emotional energy, I can talk about how there are philosophical arguments for God and philosophical arguments against materialism, but to risk sounding “stupid” and “illogical,” I’ll just let you people look it up yourselves. I don’t believe atheism makes you evil, and make you unable to be a kind person. When I was an atheist, I was still very kind hearted, but there are other paths than the most common religious paths your critics want you to take. I don’t believe in organized religion, but I do believe in a God, and I find various teachings from multiple religions helpful. Even as an atheist, a lot of those teachings, without the supernatural parts of it all, helped me.

I guess. . . I just experienced too many unexplainable stuff that can’t be explained well, and I know there’s not much of a way to prove what I witnessed to most of you, so I don’t even try. Not anymore, at least. These experiences were not emotional moments though. They say people believe in religion because it’s a comfort. If anything, and I’m not saying this is how it was to you. . . but I felt emotionally attached to atheism. It took logic, and personal experimentation to leave it, but haha, guess people are just going to laugh at me for that.

I found it comfortable to live with a life without the rules of a Higher Power. And no, I don’t rely on religion alone to be moral. I know by experience without religion and without no one all powerful to punish me, I could be moral. But I like the freedom. I like thinking I would die, and nothing would come after. When you’re depressed, that seemed peaceful. No more afterlife after, and it felt . . . emotionally painful to stop believing in that. It’s been a few years since I left atheism, and I still have trouble accepting it.

 If I could be an atheist again, I sometimes feel like I would, but I can’t turn back at this point. It all has come too far, too. . . too far. The idea that there are powers beyond our current scientific understanding fills me with terror for whatever could be out there beyond this Earth. I feel less safe now, with all those supernatural horror movies that could actually be possible. Just because. . . the world can be a magical place sometimes, doesn’t mean that magic is always safe. We all dream of living in fantasy and supernatural worlds in TV shows, but most of us would be frightened to death with all the extremely powerful dangers if we realistically thought about it. 

I said if I find enough evidence against my skepticism, I’d change my mind. I promised I’d believe in the truth that I have personally thought for myself, even if it hurt. So I’m finding a different path now.

Whatever path you choose, religious or not, I respect it deeply. Studying all kinds of spiritual and secular beliefs alike have just. . . made me respect them much more over time. Right or wrong, people are filled with good intentions for their beliefs and they just want to do what they believe is right. I’m very happy to hear that.

But even if likely no one would ever listen to this, maybe I can move on more if I could say goodbye. So goodbye to the paths I took before. I’m sorry I would hurt you by taking a different path, but I can’t turn back anymore. I’d miss feeling like I belonged with you all, but my need to belong has unfairly triumphed over my need to follow reason. 

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, on My Dad’s Death

Journal 8

I research when it comes to all of my problems, and so it is when my dad died when I was 17. I’m 19 now, and turning 20 this 2021, though somehow I just find myself unable to put my emotions into words much around this. I remember when researching the types of grief online, there was something called “delayed grief.” Someone suppresses their emotions and the emotional grief only appears days, months or even years later. I guess. . . I’m in that category. Not that I didn’t release my emotions eventually with time before, but it still seems . . . like there was a lot more emotions beneath I didn’t notice.

He died of an infection that wasn’t caught soon enough, and with diabetes, what could have been easier to cure was much harder. I didn’t get much warning. I didn’t think he was going to die any time soon. Though, he did die just suddenly like that. At the day before he was going to die though, I couldn’t sleep at all. I sleep less than what is healthy, but it hasn’t really been to the point that I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night. I just. . . felt, absolutely full of dread.

I had to stay home from school out of exhaustion, and later in the morning, my dad was found paralyzed on the floor. His words were slurred, and my mom and grandma were panicking with absolute tears. Something in me just calmed down and I made sure to assure both of them. We had some of our strong neighbors help carry him to the hospital. I told him I loved him over and over calmly, while something in me was shocked and horrified.

I felt hopeful, and I woke up suddenly early in the morning. I called my mom to ask how my dad was doing, and I heard her crying. Apparently that was when just before the moment he died in the hospital. I kept it a secret until then, but I think that’s when my mom found out I was a psychic.

Been in the scientific community for years since I was a kid, and not all science nerds were atheist skeptics, but a lot of them were. A lot of them said some frauds called themselves psychics because it made them feel special. It didn’t make me feel special. It made me feel like a fraud. I didn’t believe it out of emotions. I believed it because I witnessed predicting and knowing certain things that did happen and did end up as true in details out of coincidence. I know some say it can be so vague, it could be anything, but mine. . . were a lot more detailed. 

Even meeting up with other psychics later on, they’d say mine was more detailed than normal. My intuition wasn’t emotional. It was blunt, cold and logical with advice as well as warnings as needed. I wasn’t a fraud, when I analyzed myself. Frauds always want to tell people what they wanted to hear, and I often did just the opposite. I wasn’t going on shock value either. Sometimes my readings and predictions were amazingly boring and normal. “Not much will change in the future, but you’ll somewhat improve.” People would get that a lot, but it would happen just like that. I learned later this was claircognizance (logical intuition) over clairsentience (emotional intuition), which was great for sensing people’s emotions.

I’m no anti vaxxer. I’m no Qanon supporter. I think Flat Earth is crazy and while I think essential oils can be great for mental health, I don’t think it’d cure cancer. A lot of what people think of as supernatural have logical explanations, and while people seem very annoyed for me to inform them that, there are exceptions to this after all. I avoided confirmation bias, and made sure to read a lot of skeptic opinions on this so I could be logically fair. 

I still felt ashamed about it. . . but thinking to myself, maybe an environment as emotional as Tumblr would understand. If some group would take me seriously, it’d be the opposite of logically obsessed scientific nerds, and this was it to me.

Well, you don’t need to believe me if you want to, if you’re skeptical. Go make fun of me with your friends and mock me then. Oh well. I just learned some people won’t change their minds no matter what, so I’m not going to try. Your beliefs are your decision, and if you want to remain a skeptic, that’s none of my business. I was a skeptic once, and well. . . I do genuinely understand why you would come to those conclusions with all the craziness around, so I find myself more patient with types like you than the rest of the psychic community. 

Good luck to the rest of your life then, whatever you believe.

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, On Caring About What Others Think

Journal 7

Another day to 0 followers, but I guess I shouldn’t care much about that. I’m not going to stop writing soon. I’m sure someone out there bothers to listen to me without responding, and it’s just been recently this account has been made. 

But you know, it feels a bit narcissistic to admit I want followers. I certainly don’t feel like I need it, just want it, but something in me does want the validation. I want to act like that cool person, who doesn’t care about what others think. That’s what the praise often goes for. In much of this world, just asking for followers gets you accused of being shallow, obnoxious and annoying. I hear in therapy to heal emotions, you have to vent to people to understand, but admitting this desire just seems like another recipe for people to hate your guts.

I’ve read all kinds of books, quotes, watched videos, had therapy, got advice and so on. . . but I still do care about what others think. It has improved a lot, I’m sure, but it’s still there. I like math and science due to the sense of predictability to it. With emotions, you can supposedly follow all kinds of helpful activities, but your emotions will still unpredictably feel something else, for no reason. I sometimes fear that as I slowly improve from being diagnosed with clinical depression, my emotions will just randomly get worse for no reason. How am I supposed to trust that my emotions will always respond as I like? I don’t know.

Feels odd to admit this when people get shamed for spending too much time on social media. Supposedly, you feel better when talking to real life people, but somehow posting this on a blog with 0 followers does make me feel better. I don’t feel satisfied, but it’s well. . . a lot less worse than before.  So I’ll still keep writing. No matter how many books and conversations I read, complaints about wanting followers online though, I feel ashamed, yes. . .but the emotions just don’t go away. Who knows? Maybe it works to stop other types of people, but it doesn’t seem to work on me. It just seems to be more and more proof that I’m a horrible person inside.

Emotions just being emotions again, I guess. They say no matter how many followers you get, you won’t feel satisfied, so why do my emotions demand wanting to be affirmed that way exactly? If it’s not even going to work out in the long term, then what’s the point? Why am I going on this road anyway? Why is it growing up I wanted fame, and even though I tried to stop it for years, the feeling doesn’t go away? Though it feels a bit embarrassing to admit that, because saying you want fame oftentimes has you labeled as a bad, very shallow person.

I don’t care what certain types care of me. I care about what deep thinkers would care about me most. Just. . . what’s with my emotions? Why do I feel this way? I keep asking, but nothing comes up. 

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, Things I Wished to See More in the Philippines

Journal 6 

I didn’t really think of myself as that nationalistic growing up, until I heard that true patriotism is wanting to make your country improve, not liking everything about your country or thinking it’s perfect. Honestly, a lot of people here seem to have a lot of praise for PoC people who have a complete respect for their own cultures, histories and traditions. I’m okay with that, but no matter how much I tried, I can’t seem to like Filipino traditions much, not because I hate being Filipino, but because I hate traditions in general. I keep trying to like it, but I don’t. 

I think practicing Filipino traditional dances in school growing up was completely boring, I hate majority of Filipino shows and dramas despite trying to like a lot, and all the classics are almost all very boring. I’m not sure I will get much praise being listened to this way on Tumblr, but apparently when it comes to what people describe as “true patriotism,” I seem to be much more patriotic than those many rule obsessed nationalistic folks, despite being so annoyed by the Filipino national pledge, I just sad down to read books each school flag ceremony. 

I did donate the most money generously oftentimes, studied Filipino political issues in depth, and the various modern cultural problems too. Everyone always gave opinion essays that the teacher wants to hear, but if I get in trouble reciting something else or writing something else, I just did it. Had high grades anyway. Not much of a risk to lose a few points, not to brag.

 It’s just. . . the Philippines of the past, rather than the modern Philippines bores me to death. It’s not a matter of choice. I just. . . can’t. I like art and poetry as a hobby. I very much respect people’s romantic natures because they have an optimism that I lack, but you see I’m mainly an engineer. . . so I can’t seem to care much. You see why I made an anonymous blog out of cowardice than put my name out there now, do you? 

So here is the list of things I wish I saw more in the Philippines, in those days I daydream of a better country. 

1. I wish there was more stories that weren’t romance and comedies. I feel a lot of Filipino issues is because people can’t seem to think of things rationally or seriously enough. Filipino culture sometimes thinks you’re a bad person, because you don’t find their jokes very funny, and don’t smile all the time. 

2. The romance stories are mostly very cliché stories where random men and women (not very unusual for men to like romance here) get into abusive relationships, while most Filipinos seem to find this very romantic. Yuck. Then most Filipinos seem to enjoy very unrealistic relationships where you fall in love at first sight, and not make long term plans with relationships. Part of why overpopulation in the Philippines is horrible.

3. Filipinos seem to think anti intellectualism is funny, which I think might be a characteristic from trying to follow much of American culture. I hate math! I’m funny! I hate studying! I’m funny! I hate reading! I’m funny! Fantastic. 10/10 humor. 

4. People are so loud here, and while when talking to foreigners, I do miss the kind of rowdy friendliness and warmth. . . it can get a lot for me. 

5. People being respectful to elders too much, compared to the younger generation. In the West, being old is too disrespected but here in the Philippines, it’s the other extreme. People seem to believe if you’re old, then you’re always right. Though I still do mano (putting my hand on someone’s head), because I’m too lazy to argue about it all the time. Old people don’t get to make life decisions for me, because they’re old. They have experience for their own lives, not mine. 

6. People make decisions in politics based on how famous the last names are. People think family is very important, so important that people respect cases of nepotism, and favoritism with family members. That’s stupid. Clearly we can all agree just because someone is your family, doesn’t mean they’re always right, especially if they’re abusive.

7. Another trait of Filipinos not often being able to take things seriously. They like electing people who are celebrities, such as a certain boxer named Manny, being a politician. People being good leaders is not the same as how entertaining they are. 

8. I can barely find any Filipino blogs or channels that are not about make up, fashion, food, travel, and so on. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just I can barely find any content that requires thinking, and critical thought much. I’m a bit annoyed.

9. I wish people didn’t defend the Japanese so much when reading about its history of helping the Nazis during World War II, because they’re ASIAN, and clearly we should give Japanese people a break from becoming violent extremists to them, because obviously the West has also been violent to them. No, that means both of you are responsible. Stop defending Japanese Nazis because they’re Asian. Look at what they did in the Philippines back then! I like anime now, and I wouldn’t like Japan to go back to its backwards past.

10. Would be nice if Filipinos were somewhat more individualistic. Not that the West has no need to learn to be collectivistic or think of the benefit of the group. Just look at the US with all the hatred of masks for some reason because it goes against their individual FREEDOM. Just a piece of fabric on your face, and they’re already throwing a temper tantrum. Now you see, Filipinos are the opposite. They think if you disagree with the general group or culture, you’re evil and stuff. Now I bet people here would be much more offended by me talking about all this in this tone with Asian, particularly Filipino issues, than with someone from the West complaining about their own issues. 

Bla, bla, bla, just being Asian doesn’t mean I should care about stupid honor and obedience when it comes to completely illogical things, and sentimentality in a way that would harm the greater good. That’s what it is with Filipinos. Many of us care about family, or at most the certain area of the Philippines we live in. People don’t really think logically enough with their sentimentality to think of Filipino society as a whole, including the ones in other countries. If it benefits their family, then who cares about other Filipino families? 

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, Here’s to a Somber New Year, with a Dash of Hope

Journal 5

Hi there, stranger. I won’t force you, but I’d like it if you took a short time to listen to someone like me, just trying to shout my unheard voice through the void. Let me be honest. I’m not the most happy this New Year, which is not all that different from others, I suppose. I do believe change can happen for the better, but I doubt it will happen that quickly, honestly. People seem to flip through the extremes of thinking everything will be 100% perfect and 100% horrible, but I think. . . I’m somewhere in the middle, which seems like the reasonable choice.

I hesitate to say we’re all in this together, with me reading all about how no one is really together. The constant complaints and cynical comments are everywhere online. If you think of hope, you’re an unrealistic, stupid and naïve person. Well, if it’s not, then let’s make it so. As best as we can. Yes, it’s not realistic for the entire Earth to work together, but for those who can listen, let’s work together as much as possible. Let go of the idea of perfect world peace for now, and for those that deserve to be given a chance to earn our trust, I say we try to reach out anyway so.

I know there are horrible people in humanity today. I don’t doubt that. It’s just that some people are turning that into a kind of misanthropy, where they assume the worst of a person because they hate humanity in general. Considering they’re human, they also very much hate themselves. You don’t have to believe that most people are good, but can you at least be open to believing that at least some people are? I have problems with trust too, as many others do, and sometimes I think small steps to trust work better for people than outright positivity. It’s fine though, if it’s different for some. Everyone is unique, after all.

Maybe at some level, I’d manage to gain more patience. Things were horrible for me in 2020, like everyone else, but it got better somewhat at the end of the year. Though while I’d like to, I hate how bitter people have become. Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but my social anxiety just gets worse. . . because I believe people’s bitterness will just make them more likely to judge me too quickly. Hypocritical, yes it is, to be bitter about bitterness, but well . . .hard to be “perfect” after all the stress of the pandemic. So I just figured I’d give up on that. I don’t see why ‘misanthropy” is seen as cool, edgy, romantic and beautiful. I just struggle to see the assumption of people who might hate me and get resentful of me simply because I’m human, but I digress.

My advice? While I admit I have trouble doing this myself, if you don’t know anyone, then conclude that you don’t know. Don’t rush to conclusions about people you don’t know well in detail. If you don’t know the answers to your questions in life, just say. . . you don’t know. Admit you don’t know. No one of us has the answers after all.

Knowledge and wisdom after all, begins by admitting your ignorance. Ignorance not always on what is right, but how to serve what is right, to be precise. But haha, what does someone as depressed like me know? 

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, List of Things I am Surprised to Learn about Western news (Mostly American News)

Journal 4

People around me seem to be talking about what’s going on in the US, and growing up before quarantine, I never really heard about much of the news outside the Philippines. So stuck in quarantine, I somehow managed to watch a lot of Western news (Mostly American news), due to my guilty pleasure of wanting to watch the drama the whole world seems to be talking about. I was introduced to Trevor Noah and LastweekTonight on Youtube. My Life has changed ever since. Journal, buddy, I am very confused. . . and how I see the whole humanity has really changed. I have learned more about. . . the nature of the universe and stuff.

1. People in the US seem to think if you are poor, then it’s your fault. It seems to be the opposite in the Philippines where they think if you are poor, you’re holy, and you’ll only be holy if you stay poor. Not saying all Filipinos are like this, but much of poverty is seen as this way, because clearly Jesus wanted poor people to stay poor, rather than help them in the Bible. In the US, they think Christians should hate the poor, and it is holy to be rich. I am not sure how they come to this conclusion, with all the Bible verses against greed, but it’s interesting. 

2. Journal, I hear British people seem to be arguing with this Brexit thing. It was about leaving the European Union. I’m amazed Europeans seem to be talking and discussing so much together. When it comes to the ASEAN or Association of South East Asian Nations, a lot of southeast asians don’t even know this organization exists. I went to read a lot of tourist guide stuff about the different ASEAN nations, but ASEAN countries seem to barely know each other from my experience. The arguing seems a lot to these people, but I’m just surprised they acknowledge each other’s existence.

3. I didn’t know people had such an issue with biracial people, and biracial relationships much in the West. In the Philippines, being biracial gives you a kind of higher status to many (unfairly enough, unless you’re part black), and some even hate the biracial ones like me more than the pure asian/latino/black types. I am not sure why they come to this conclusion, but I just think racism is an irrational thing humanity has made up, even if it’s logically beneficial for all races to work together to solve world problems.

4. People in the Philippines seem to dislike not having white skin, but in other countries they are jealous of more tan skin? Even racists seem to want tan skin for some reason, but then keep continuing as racists. Look at how orange Trump is for example. There seems to be a beauty issue when it comes to skin color, and classism with thinking you’re automatically poor for having darker skin. Though in other countries from France to Germany, people go beyond bullying and there are even extremists with violence. Seems a bit primitive to me. Though from news sources (Look up Philippines on the international non profit site -- Human Rights Watch), Duterte seems to emphasize the poor in his drug war killings, but it has less to do with women and gender in general. 

5. A lot of Western Countries have no female presidents actually, from researching the history. The Philippines has had two female presidents from what I know? Apparently in the US, it’s just a new thing that there is a female vice president. Very strange. Not saying politics here is entirely equal either, but certain countries do less well than I thought. It was more recent for the US to get LGBT representations in politics too, whether in gays or trans people. 

6. I find those on Western news are much more likely to discuss topics around social issues or causes though. Here in Asia, it seems more like the issue is that people try to avoid the topic out of fear of conflict as possible, but people seem to go the other extreme of arguing about it too much. If only there was a balance.

Oh well

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, Wondering What Neurotypicals Feel About “Real” or “Fake” People

Journal 3

Sometimes, I wonder about it when NTs call certain people fake or real. They seem to be saying a certain tone or facial expression seems fake, but being on the spectrum, I just don’t really get that. I wonder if people might think of me at fake at times, though not really understanding how people see the signs of when someone is fake, I get confused. Then I worry about it and get anxious.

I certainly do understand intellectual falsehood. I can spot lies like that a mile away. I memorized a lot of cognitive biases and logical fallacies online. I know how to research with critical thinking. Though. . . emotional fakeness just puzzles me. It seems for NTs, I do trust a lot on them on their conclusions on when someone is fake, but at times. . . people seem to assume people are fake when they are the cheerful type or loud. Thinking logically about it, some people I encounter like say Jacksepticeye on Youtube, is seen as annoyingly authentic because he’s so loud and energetic, but well. . . that’s his natural personality, from what I get. It’s not like I never heard him never state anything bad in his life, nor do I think he is a perfect person to worship, but I wonder.

He did help a lot with charity these days, from the Australian wildfires, Black Lives Matter and coronavirus streaming, and tried to bring as much attention away from himself when doing so. I am fine if people do not subjectively find him funny or entertaining to watch, but people seem to think if someone is loud/cheerful/emotionally expressive/popular = they are automatically some secret evil entity. I am the opposite personality from him, but I don’t really hate Shaun for that difference, I guess? 

It seems on the internet, introverts were once hated, and now as introversion and being quiet is seen as the more “cool” thing, it seems extroverts and more social people are now much more hated. Some are genuinely mean, but some people seem to hated on just for their own unique personalities, somehow. Popular = bad, and unpopular = good thinking, is what causes various nerds to be manipulative “nice guys” for example, since on the movies, they get the girl more than the bully jock guy, because if you are physically fit and like sports in high school, then people see you as the bad guy.

I seem to judge people more by their actions, than their words. Neurotypicals seem to judge some kind of emotional expression I do not get. I can see a lot of their reasoning as valid, but sometimes I wonder if NTs think if someone is happy, then that means they’re being fake. Is it impossible to say something positive for once on the internet, and on a regular basis sometimes, without NTs thinking you are fake for doing that? It seems to me sometimes, that if someone is not mentally ill or depressed all the time, then they are considered “FAKE,” like they call it somehow. Party people = bad, quiet dorks = good, to a lot of people.

Sometimes I wonder if I should balance the happy and depressed times in a way that NTs will see it as “real,” but I just ignore that and act happy when I am, and act depressed when I am. At the very least, I thought I could at least share my view on what seems to be another irrationality online I am confused about. 

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, Here is a Boring Infodump

Journal 2

I have no idea what to write in this journal exactly, so here is a collection of random thoughts I want to say for some reason.

1. Sometimes I wish people would talk about countries other than the US, the UK or Australia on international news. I’m very happy your various causes are being supported, but I just find I’ve come to a very dry acceptance that barely anything from the Philippines ever gets talked about here. Takes a bit for me to be angry, but the pandemic has pushed me more into frustration somehow. So now I actually feel somewhat irritated enough about it to write it here.

2. I feel stressed from 2020, and the New Year hasn’t changed that much. But I guess that’s not that different from everyone else here. Hmm, well I’m no great speaker who can give you an emotional speech, but I figured I can offer solutions where people can just give encouragement (which I still appreciate, mind you, not being great at stuff like this.) So I suggest looking up resource sites and search terms like. . . 

A. Psychology Today

B. Verywell Mind

C. Relaxing music/Nature sounds/ASMR

D. Relaxation techniques

E. Anxiety/Depression apps list

F. CBT/ACT/DBT

E. Affirmations

F. Motivational Quotes

G. List of Anxiety, Depression, and Stress Management blogs

H. Greater Good in Action

I. Free Science of Happiness university course on Edx

J. 7 Cups of Tea - a site to vent anonymously in live chats to volunteer listeners, if you don’t want to volunteer yourself.

K. Grounding techniques -- great if you feel numb or dissociated.

L. Mindfulness techniques list

M. Journaling prompts

N. Thought Traps

O. Stand up comedy / jokes

P. Random online fun facts, or researching random info you’re curious about. Look up sites to learn new things, or educational Youtube channels for example. 

Q. Spirituality resources, if this helps you.

R. Looking up famous people for role models.

S. Watching dominoes falling videos.

T. Listening to jazz, lofi music or classical music does it for me. I enjoyed the Lofi series for fantasy stuff on Youtube. “Lofi music for ghosts.” “Lofi music for witches.” “Lofi music for vampires.” “Lofi music for mermaids.” It has such a mix of sci fi and fantasy elements with the electronic music playing this type of music, but oh well. 

U. Looking at art. There are free online museums even if you look. I like the Youtube channels Drawfree and Chloe Art though. That or creating your own art. 

V. Watching Film reviews. Like on the Take (Screenprism) on Youtube, Nerdwriter1, Wisecrack, The Film Theorists, and more.

W. Looking up a list of personal development blogs online, and just searching through them for random advice.

X. Watching cute animals, and other cute stuff online.

Y. Joining one of those depression or mental health forums online, maybe a general one or focused on a specific mental health issue.

Z. Reading books, of course. 

3. I’d say if you want to know a bit more about my therapy history for some context. . . well, I have dysthymia, which is a type of mild depression, but it takes a longer period of time to be diagnosed than major depression. That is, more than 2 years. GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. It’s not a mental illness as people imagine, (It’s a neurodevelopmental condition, which is an intellectual, not emotional difference. Though of course emotional illnesses can happen with it), and I’m on the autism spectrum. Specifically twice exceptional (Giftedness + neurodiversity condition), which is apparently the more polite way to say it than savant. I’m not stressed much about it though. Filipinos, at least here in the city in Manila, don’t bully much around neurodiversity types like autism, ADHD, dyslexia or anything about that. 

This country has a lot of problems, but ableism doesn’t seem to be one of them, from my personal experience. Just know if I sound a bit rude from my directness, I’m trying my best. I’m bisexual and non binary, though that personally wasn’t much of a problem growing up in Metro Manila, the Filipino capital, which is the most liberal of the Philippines. Not sure why in places like the US or the UK, the situation seems worse, but I don’t know much enough to comment. The middle class to upper class in the Philippines tends to be more liberal than the poor or working class, which is strangely the opposite in America, I hear? Not that there was 0% no bullying, whether by people my age or adults, but people are generally just casually supportive. It might help though that while I prefer them/they pronouns, I don’t mind being called both he or she much. Why am I depressed and why for so long? Not sure. I have a lot of accomplishments and talents with giftedness, but I just. . . don’t seem happy that much. (Look up Dabrowski’s overexcitablities or the Your Rainforest Mind blog for more mental health info with giftedness.) 

4. I’m not suicidal or anything, but the world just seems to be somewhat grayscale all the time. Would be nice if I was a bit more enthusiastic about this, but oh well. I am more depressed than I am anxious. I am definitely “sad”, but I don’t seem to get as much anxious as other people. I definitely am often nervous, but I don’t scare as easily as most? Guess that’s why I’ve been watching horror games on Youtube, with Markiplier’s 3 scary games playlist. I don’t know why, but in small doses, horror games are a release. I feel so numb, but instead of doing something harmful like self harm or something else, horror just. . . makes me feel alive somehow. Both excited, afraid and full of thrill. I feel in a way, a lot of suppressed fears come to the surface, like letting tears flow out, but for anxiety instead of sadness. 

5. I feel like I have a life of extremes. Full of a lot of big accomplishments, and big problems tied all together. In some ways I am discriminated. In other ways I am disadvantaged. When people talk about privilege or minorities and stuff, I just get confused how I should see myself. But oh well. I guess. . . that’s just depression for you. A bit unpleasant both parties of those extremes seem to be fighting a lot though, which is a lot more uncomfortable to watch if you ask me. Not sure how to describe it. I can’t seem to see both sides in an us vs them standpoint, where one side is 100% my allies and the other side is 100% my enemies, but oh well. 

6. I am aware from a rational standpoint, I have many strengths, but my depression doesn’t seem to realize that much. So while I describe how my emotions feel, know that I’ve had enough therapy to see the situation logically, which makes things somewhat better, but doesn’t stop the emotions entirely for some reason.

[rainraisins]

Dear Journal, a Probably Boring Introduction

Journal 1 

Well, welcome to my humble abode, haha. You know, I’m not usually the type to share my thoughts in social media like this. It’s just. . . the pandemic has been stressful, and the more voiceless I feel, the more I want to express myself in some kind of manner. Social media is full of opinionated people disagreeing and fighting with each other, so I was hesitant to share anything anything here out of shyness. . . but nowadays, it feels too exhausting to keep my thoughts to myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no stereotypical shy bookworm. I’m not shy to the point I can say very little in everyday life. I can sure talk a lot more confidently about issues in public speaking in front of people I know, class or smaller private groups. I can be direct, and louder when I’d like to than most people. I spend time alone, not out of shyness, but because I like to. It’s just there’s a limit to my social confidence, especially when it comes to the online world where potentially thousands or millions of people can read what I write, unpredictably. Not to mention people tend to be much more easily rude online with the anonymity, but. . . something in me just wanted to reach for a larger audience.

I don’t expect followers and all that. If one other person listened to me here, well. . . that would be fine. I care less whether you agree or disagree with me and more that someone has heard what I’m trying to say. Maybe a major part to my social confidence and anxiety is that I fear being ignored, much more than being criticized. Though if you dislike long essays, this place probably isn’t for you, and you’re free to say what you will to others, I suppose. Different opinions is what makes this world a fascinating place, after all. Maybe part of why I choose to live amongst all this struggle is that while I’m not sure whether the world would be good or bad, I’m convinced it’d be always interesting enough to stick around to see what else would happen next. 

Well, what do I seek to write about in this online journal exactly? Well, I’m secretive, and it takes me some time to open up, so forgive me for that. I don’t want to share my real name, but you’re free to call me Rain, if you like. I’m 19 at the moment, and I live in the Philippines as a mestizo (Tagalog, also Spanish term, for mixed race person, often with white skin and black hair.). Both of my parents are mixed, but the Philippines is all I’ve ever known, so I never really got interested in looking into deeper into my family tree. Other than we likely came from some level of Illustrados, Filipinos during Spanish times who owned lots of land, and were wealthy enough to find education in a lot of European countries, where they found better opportunities while being discriminated at the same time. Yeah, yeah, I know, random rich kid and all the bad reputation around it. . . likely I won’t talk about my wealth much, but I assure you I use it more to buy more books than I do less intellectually interesting things. It’s a more serious intellectual high educational subtype of Filipino, while still having a kind of warm, easygoing and humorous side associated with the Philippines. . . though I guess in a more quiet way? 

I’m a 2nd year software engineer student stuck doing online school for now in quarantine. Though other than all the sciences (except geology, can’t seem to get interested in rocks), I do like art, writing and novels. I like to explore a lot of social causes, though I likely won’t talk about much ones I do not see myself as understanding enough of. Tumblr is full of American, British, Australian and similar kinds of politics. Not sure if anyone would bother about Filipino politics, but I don’t see much of anyone else bothering to talk about so I might as well make use of the privilege I have with educational resources to talk about it. I have some fascination with the teachings of multiple religions and multiple types of philosophies, so there’s that. Feels like anything other than Christianity in the Philippines is controversial, so while I know people online here might be more open to it, apologies if I have trouble talking about this area of my life. 

I don’t really have a plan for what I’ll write, but oh well, I feel like I’m going to explode if I have nowhere to express myself in. So here you go with my first journal, if anyone actually sees this.