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I guesssssssssssss…

I have a thing to say:

And that thing is to say that I really appreciate the people who stuck around for my breakdown and the people who stuck around to find out the ending of the fic and stuff. H o w e v e r. I went to see a very solid, very down to earth therapist about a year ago (and have been in treatment….. and have been in the midst of treatment…. And I’m t i r e d) and she warned me that some of the stuff that I have been just kind of like, walking with/living with/dealing with is what they apparently qualify as “unprocessable” in the field of psychiatric and mental health. And I’ve been fighting some of these really rough impulses to just like, destroy all records of my past for a really long time because of that. It doesn’t probably make a whole lot of sense to just be reading this right here right now (as this is tumblr #4 or 5. As I’ve been Oakley and Schrodingers-Gay-Cousin and faerlie-certain a few others as well). Buuuuuuut…… those are unfortunately just like. Online internet examples of this like. Process in my brain.

I know what it means. (I’m not an idiot) I’ve done enough like, therapeutic processing and work on myself and idiot shit this year trying to bury things down to get to this point. So I guess… here we are? I somehow ended up with two therapists. And a safety plan. Which is like, regular shithead speak for suicide watch if you haven’t done enough problematic crap in your life to get to get to that point in your adult journey, or whatever. And all of this just seems very like, a bit much to me? To be honest? Because I still show up to my job Monday through Friday and eat when my roommate cooks for me and remember to do like, most basic hygiene things. But at the same time. I did also go to the ocean with my friends and leave a note this past summer and just walk out and like, keep going, you know?

I don’t feel safe. Is what I’m getting at. And I need to get to a place where I do. And eradicate all the things that aren’t safe. And that’s impossible. But things are finally looking up, like… I’m starting to put away some of the knives at home and the paper clips at work…

I would just really like to make it to 28. I would just really like to live to see 28 with this new name. That’s all. So, this place is an unsafe place for me in a lot of ways for a lot of complex reasons. And I gotta go.

But! I’m gonna try not to erase a record. Because part of my job right now is keeping records of things. And it’s really struck me how like, important that is. Even just on a person by person basis. And how fucking destructive it is to destroy records or to just. Leave nothing behind. So. For the like, 2 people here: you are loved and thought of and you will be missed. But I gotta go. Ask me for my email or something, lol.

My name’s Alexei.

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Are you kidding me this is the best video I’ve ever seen

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Also I’d just like to say something. There are languages and cultures where there isn’t even a word for gender. The binary is an oppressive and suffocating systematic construct. Humans existed before it and we will exist after it.

That’s all. 🤟

seeing people say shit like “i wish i as born gay” or “i wish i was born a different gender” makes me s o sad bc ill bet you dimes to dollars that person is on the lgbt spectrum but because of ingrained phobias and the way media portrays people like us, it feels like an insurmountable implausibility, when its really not. if you wish you were gay, or trans, or whatever, then like, maybe you should give the introspection a chance. compulsive heteronormativity is real and it can truly make you believe youre cis and straight and that you never need to think more into it than that.

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Hello this is me summoning everyone who either is trans masc or knows a trans masc.

A while ago, I made a playlist that’s all songs that make me, a certified trans guy, feel…

A. like a guy

B. Hot as fuck

I mainly listened to it on days where dysphoria was really bad, and I found that it helped a lot. It’s like a nice little reminder that I am a guy no matter what my body looks like, and that I’m rocking it too. So I figured, hey, it would be awesome if I got a bunch of other songs from other trans mascs that make them feel the same thing and then threw them into the playlist. Or inspired them to do a similar thing.

So this is my call to action. What songs make you feel like a whole dude? What songs make you feel like you’re a model about to reject all the agencies that are below you? What songs have 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 trans guy energy?

Any suggestions would be awesome, whether they’re from big or small artists! And if you’re not a trans masc but happen to know one or two, ask them as well! I’m trying to get as many songs as I can :D

(Here’s the playlist I have so far for reference in case you want to know what I have already.)

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Lucius and the heartbroken ❤️‍🩹

My contribution for the Nova & Mali OFMD charity zine!

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Promises

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and then they smooch!

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im about to test the limits of discord nitro

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Welcome to autism subway can i get you the same thing you've ordered here since you were 8

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🎶

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— If the meds were switched, then when I got them mixed up, I… I accidentally switched them back, so… I gave Harlan… — The correct doses, yes. But not accidentally.

KNIVES OUT (2019) dir. Rian Johnson

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Aliens: Wow you guys sure are completely normal and not at all indescribably horny.

NASA *beating the alien fuckers with a broom*: Yep. Just a completely normal species. no inappropriate lusting for extraterrestrial booty here, no sir.