raccoonbutler

[raccoonbutler]

The crazy thing is I will be going through this intense cycle of emotions every hour of the day

But I won't even be able to express them, so the average person's perception of me will be that I am fairly level-headed and unbothered when I am actually constantly exploding.

And I'll be so tired all the time and no one will know why, and I won’t even know how to tell them why.

I don't see people talk about this a lot, because I don't really know a lot of people with both BPD and Autism at the same time, but the levels of obsession I experience are fucking insane. Like, incapacitating.

I spend 80% of my life deliriously consumed by thoughts of 1 specific thing or person and I don't know how to function without it, and it goes on for years.

I destroy myself over it, and I'll be happy to do so, because my life feels basically empty without it.

I can't just like a thing or even love a thing, it feels almost like I get chemically addicted to a thing.

Once it ends, if it ever even ends, it's like falling out of love with your wife of several decades whom you also have several children with. I'm HYSTERICAL.

[raccoonbutler]

I don't see people talk about this a lot, because I don't really know a lot of people with both BPD and Autism at the same time, but the levels of obsession I experience are fucking insane. Like, incapacitating.

I spend 80% of my life deliriously consumed by thoughts of 1 specific thing or person and I don't know how to function without it, and it goes on for years.

I destroy myself over it, and I'll be happy to do so, because my life feels basically empty without it.

I can't just like a thing or even love a thing, it feels almost like I have to get chemically addicted to a thing.

Once it ends, if it ever even ends, it's like falling out of love with your wife of several decades whom you also have several children with. I'm HYSTERICAL.

[raccoonbutler]

I think my dad just tried to murder us by turning on the gas stove while we were asleep and then just leaving the house, but I could be having a psychotic delusion again so I have no idea

[raccoonbutler]

I've been pretty stressed lately. It's making me think a lot about my deceased friend. I'm just sad and tired a lot.

[raccoonbutler]

ok so, it is looking pretty likely that I have Quiet BPD

I'm trying to figure out how to cope with and accept this possibility lately

I'm just afraid that if it's true, I may never be satisfied with what I have or feel fulfilled by what I've built for myself

And this idea has had me a bit depressed and demotivated. I keep wondering- is there a point in chasing happiness if it can just vanish like that?

I've been doing really good and taking these strides in life while I desperately try to self actualize. But there's just something stopping me from being proud of myself.

Silently, it's like I'm always chasing more...

But it's Halloween, my favorite holiday, so I should try not to worry so much about that

[raccoonbutler]

I might have bpd

i do not have the energy to pursue further professional assistance about it

[raccoonbutler]

It's hard seeing my younger friends in a dark place, having been in that same place before. You naturally want to tell them all the things you wish you knew back then, but you know that telling them is not enough for it to sink in, as you have to learn from experience.

[raccoonbutler]

So the (unsurprising) news about Yandere Dev being a groomer has come to light. I’m really glad the truth is coming out, but I’m horrified to learn that the YouTuber whom the victim confided in encouraged her to KEEP SPEAKING TO HER ABUSER in the name of gathering evidence.

“But no one would have believed it if there wasn’t any proof.” Okay, but surely there were better ways to go about this? Use a decoy if you must? Make an adult take over the account? I know there is reason to distrust the police, but as a result of that, she had to experience further emotional manipulation from him. The very first thing they should have done was make her cut all contact with him and get as far away from him as possible.

This is pretty much what I meant by this old post. Kids are being put (or putting themselves) in these dubious situations in an attempt to do detective work and I feel like it’s insane that people don’t immediately find an issue with that?

I don't know how I feel about the frequency of callout posts these days, because on one hand I think a lot of it is warranted and important

but on the other hand I feel like a lot of kids/teenagers are going out of their way to lead their own softcore To-Catch-A-Predator stings due to overexposure to disturbing content and/or internet controversy at an early age and I don't think being in this position can good for them at all.

[raccoonbutler]

Very different than my usual post, but this is a commission I got to draw dogboy billy hargrove from @spotteddogfan ໒・ﻌ・७

[raccoonbutler]

Well, I’ve stepped away from all my fandoms for a few months now and focused really hard on my IRL responsibilities.

After doing so, every public online space I once occupied seems… not very appealing 😭I don’t know how I spent as long as I did in them.

It’s almost all places with people that just make each other worse. I guess arguing with others just gave me stimulation.

There’s a few people I will miss since I won’t have opportunities to catch up with them. But going back in any form just doesn’t seem appealing.

But I’m graduating tomorrow! I have plans for fun things to focus on after

[raccoonbutler]

I stopped being friends with someone a few weeks ago and I really miss them :(

but they did something that made me lose faith in them so i don't think i can enjoy their company anymore

[raccoonbutler]

I’m almost done with school!

I’m actually gonna miss some of my classmates

[raccoonbutler]

I had to have a friendship divorce with that friend

I'm so sad i can't get out of bed

[raccoonbutler]

My life has otherwise been going well recently. I've been working a lot on school, and my hand situation has actually improved. No weird dreams, either.

I'm still quite happy these days. I was just stressed out for my friend, and then suddenly met with a betrayal.

It's not directly my problem and I can walk away from it but I'm disappointed.

My friend is getting his ass beat on twitter bc he's not been very good with commissions. He owes a lot of money to people. I tried to reach out to him with advice, and he reacted by taking his frustrations out on ME... I haven't been so mad at someone in forever. Wtf

[raccoonbutler]

I have no stake in this issue. I just wanted to reach out because he's my friend and I worry about him. Why respond as if it's my fault?

I can't even talk to him right now. That is so wrong.

My friend is getting his ass beat on twitter bc he's not been very good with commissions. He owes a lot of money to people. I tried to reach out to him with advice, and he reacted by taking his frustrations out on ME... I haven't been so mad at someone in forever. Wtf

[raccoonbutler]

My friend is getting his ass beat on twitter bc he's not been very good with commissions. He owes a lot of money to people. I tried to reach out to him with advice, and he reacted by taking his frustrations out on ME... I haven't been so mad at someone in forever. Wtf

[raccoonbutler]

^ I made my Engineer Shrine

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It's RaccoonButler AKA. NormalHumanBoy AKA. VeggieTalesASMR AKA. SingingTinyDeskEngineer

This is my account for TF2 stuff because I don't want to spam my normal followers with my Engineer obsession. Make sure to look at the info section on the web version of my blog