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fundamentaly embarrassing to show reference pictures to the hairdresser. Like yeah. Hey. Here's a picture of a guy who looks cool. One day I would liketo look cool as well. Can you try to make me look cool. With these paltry ingredients Can you try your very best to alchemize a guy who looks cool right now. In 30 minutes, can you make me into a person. Hey, for twenty five dollars, can you fuck my shit up forever? Could you give me a haircut. Is that too much to ask. Could you cut my hairs

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I love the concept of exile. Like dude just get out

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I really hate a lot of the advice on the Internet about taming birds.

So much of it is literally "isolate your birds so they bond to you instead of each other" or "clip your bird's wings so it can't get away from you when it feels nervous." I'm no expert, but that's fucked up, man.

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top ten wails of anguish in fiction

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Concept I've been stewing on for a while here. I've got a name for it now and I'm calling it the Shot Dog Factor. It's a numerical value, assignable to any internet post, which represents the average number of engagements it needs to reach before someone comes along acting like this post shot their dog.

And for the sake of High Number = More Danger, which feels like the intuitive and sensible read, let's call it the inverse. As in the chance that any given interaction results in a Shot Dog response.

"Hee hee haa haa" type of silly shitpost? Low Shot Dog Factor. Largely safe. A genuine political opinion? Critically high Shot Dog Factor. Guaranteed to elicit such a response if it breaks containment.

As a result of this phenomenon, you see phrasings and circumventions added specifically to lower the Shot Dog factor. Every "now I know this doesn't apply to EVERYONE'S specific situation, but I just think--" about something where the non-specificity was obvious, but OP needed to add that disclaimer to avoid the Shot Dog from someone who thinks it needs to apply to them.

And another--perhaps the most--critical thing to understand about the Shot Dog factor is that 0 is not a valid value. There's a discontinuation at 0. And as such, the Shot Dog limit, as engagement goes to infinity is, in fact, 100%. Any and every post you have ever made, given enough containment breaching, WILL piss someone off in wild ways. You can lower the Shot Dog factor but it is never 0. Sometimes when a post of yours escapes containment, you must simply sit back and accept this reality.

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you guys have got to get better at spellcasting any time someone's attempted to curse me with 10k note post it gets like 50 at most. back to the spell books buddy that one might be too advanced for you try learning some cantrips first

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“He was the first person I saw. And… he was so beautiful. There was no color, there was no life. And then when I saw him, he was a kindred spirit.”

You can have this as a print now!!

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there are few things that make my skin want to invert itself like corny, try hard kitten/daddy “bdsm” language but i cant stop using it right now it’s like i got bit by some mediocre 20 something in an ill fitting suit and i am. changing

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What moms are like when guests are about to be coming over…

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when the power went out i heard an explosion and my boyfriend was like “a transformer probably busted” and i deadass thought he meant Optimus Prime was out there nutting

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I'm terrified of speaking to people in real life because one of them could say "I'm a chuckster!" and just hurtle me three hundred feet up in the air

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Did you guys know there's nothing inherently wrong with selfish thoughts and desires and there's no such thing as thought crimes or thought sins and a balanced amount of selfishness is healthy and adaptive for living things to have and it's fine to act selfishly as long as you don't harm others

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can someone please tell me what the fuck I just saw

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Essential genres of British comedy:

Boring man grapples with absurd circumstances

Boring man is unaware of the absurdity of his circumstances

Boring man becomes aware of the absurdity of his circumstances

Boring man is aware of, but does not acknowledge, the absurdity of his circumstances

Boring man's peers fail to acknowledge the absurdity of his circumstances

Boring man hyper-focuses on seemingly insignificant detail of absurd circumstances

Boring man inappropriately reacts as though mundane circumstances are absurd

Boring man's mundane faux pas provokes absurd reaction

Farts, the great equaliser

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I'm not even slightly normal about the Administrator's backstory.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKED UP SHIT

She has tortured this man in ghoulish agony for literal centuries. Literally everything that ever happened in the game and comics was to sate her need for revenge and SHE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHY

Were her parent killed in a break-in? Drowned as aristocrats? Poisoned for their inventions? SHE HAS NO IDEA.

Nothing matters but revenge. Nothing had mattered but revenge since long before Zepheniah died. And not just getting the revenge and then living well! She tried that! She won!

And it wasn't enough!!

She'd bent her life around revenge. It was all she had left. To crush those that wronged her. To destroy everything they loved.

For her entire life, it was the only thing she cared about. How could she move on with that purpose removed? She had everything she could want and absolutely nothing to live for.

And then...

A light in the darkness.

(she's still wearing the noooose oh my god)

TRUE revenge. ETERNAL revenge. The revenge she needed. A revenge she could have and have and have, forever. A monomania she maintained for 150 goddamn years.

150 years of torturing this crusty-ass zombie man(n) because she has literally nothing else going on in her life.

God she's so insane and fucked up (I love her)