quietlyinvested-blog

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2020 2020 2020 2020 2020 2020

twenty twenty will be my year. i swear it. it’s gonna be my year. i’ll redo my look. dress how i want to. it is going to be my Year !

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thanks for nothing bastard. i’ve been crying for a while now. or just angry. i cant think about it too much.

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i cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i cant THEYRE A DAMN LIAR ! they lied to me. made me look like a fool. eight damn months and they had to just keep lying. its just great that they decided to do this. and they don’t even know that i know. jesus, i hate it. but at the same time i just cannot leae them. i cant. i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i canti cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i canti cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant

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i feel like a liar.

i feel as if i’ve lied to le---

i haven’t

i am certain i haven’t.

i just feel guilty

i don’t know why i feel guilty

i’ve done nothing wrong. 

i’m guilty anyways,

i’m sorry.

i find it odd that i only really write these things in here

i’m not really one for venting

not most of the time anyways

i’m actually really happy i met le---

i almost didn’t join scar’s game

i was reluctant

i was scared everyone would already be really close and i would be the outsider

like always.

look at me, throwing a pity party.

i’m not surprised.

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☼ regina spektor makes me cry.

i love her

her music

her outlook on life

her appearance

she is amazing

eternal

nostalgic

a hero

an idol

a musician

her music makes me cry

i cry a lot, but especially listening to her

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⁂ today is the fourth of july

there’s special things about it, but i don’t even care about patriotism

i can’t even pretend to feel excited about america

all i enjoy is the candy, the free time, the fun

gell, i ruin everything on good days

i feel fucking guilty for writing this right now

i don’t know where i’m going with this. 

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♛ i am a horrible sister.

i am the worst possible daughter anyone could have.

i am mean

selfish

useless

hateful

angry

so many other horrible things.

i’m horrible.

i cry and cry but don’t let others help me

i take out my anger on those around me

i am no good at being a sister

i’m sorry about that

that’s the worst

no you aren’t

that’s my only responses to when people tell me things like that.

but i will not say those things to myself.

because i don’t deserve that. 

i am a horrible sister.

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obsessions are kind of lame

but i have them anyways.

i’m a viriborn, rage, derse, stringent, jade

----- is AQUITTARIUS, void, derse, enigma, violet.

------- is scorra, prospit, mind, impromptu, blue.

i’m a mess. i’m also perfectly normal.

i’m horrible at math, terrified of my school getting shot up.

fed up with certain people’s -------.

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☾ i’m in a good and bad mood.

some people don’t trust me, my parents

and honestly rightfully so at times

not all the time

i don’t want to run today, i wanted to bike today

but 

no.

i can’t according to my parents.

i feel like i’m not the best friend i could be.

----- and i walked to starbucks yesterday which was incredibly fun. 

i don’t know, i’m kind of a mess right now.

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valentines day is strange

on one hand getting candy is fun

i love sweets, i love my parents and showing people appreciation

i don’t love the romantic concept. the concept that young people

8th graders, must find someone they ‘love’

so that they feel valid and recieve gifts from  that person

it’s rather idiotic. 

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⌦ a boy at our school died. 

------.

i always loved the name -------. 

it’s a really nice name.

i feel really bad that he died. 

i’d seen him in the hallways, he seemed really nice.

he was handsome, had a lot of friends.

he was a good person.

i hope that he finds peace and safety wherever he is now.

when i learned that he died at first, i wasn’t sure.

as i always do when i find out someone dies, i smiled.

which is horrible.

i feel horrible for smiling.

but i feel like i smile because i’m in shock.

i’m not sure how to process the fact that a once living, breathing, and loved human is now dead.

it’s a sad thing.

death will always make me sad.

i feel so helpless thinking about people dying, i can’t do anything to stop life being taken.

i s

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i just re-read all of this. 

and i can already say that a few things i said were kind of incorrect and stupid.

not all of them. a lot of this is accurate.

but i said that the school wasn’t nostalgic.

well no, that’s untrue. 

the school will always make me nostalgic.

maybe i’ll be scared to face the people there.

----, -----, -----, -----, and some others.

again, i can’t name lists of people off of the top of my head.

everything is nostalgic. 

i hate that.

it takes away the value of certain things.

sometimes the way the weather feels, the way the sun falls down onto the earth makes me nostalgic.

it reminds me of ---------. 

my friendship with -----, homestuck.

how i wasted the best year of my life caring about a fake.

it stings to think about that.

that someone knowingly lied to me about everything.

that our friendship was based on a lie.

she doesn’t even know that i know.

well i do.

the way i found out was horrible, and backhanded.

i don’t talk about it.

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“are you crying?” 

redacted would too.

he’s a good brother, but doesn’t seem to understand being emotional.

unless it’s sports, he’s cried over so many sport losses.

i wish that he would understand it.

there are so many amazing things about the world. 

the creatures in it.

i don’t even know what i’m talking about anymore.

i wish i had met ----.

he seems like such an interesting person.

a bad influence sure, but an interesting person.

his music isn’t horrible either.

it could be worse.

what a strange world we live in.

i used to have dreams about ----- and i entering a talent show.

the school one.

the best part was that we were amazing.

great singers, everyone who had ever been rude to me would apologize.

i’m not sure why i would have those dreams.

they were the same each time, just with different songs.

they were interesting sure, but pointless.

something that would never happen.

another dream i remember is nightmare beach.

it’s probably the reason i hate going to the beach.

i mean, i don’t hate the beach. 

i’d go to the beach with friends. 

but nightmare beach is such a bad dream.

but also one of the best reoccurring dreams i have.

i used to have dreams where i was trapped in the downtown library.

and i would have to drive myself home, except i couldn’t see anything.

the roads were rollercoaster tracks.

they were all about at least one hundred feet up in the air.

and i would get lost, or fall off the road.

but i wouldn’t die.

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i actually feel bad that i can’t name all of these people off the top of my head.

it’s kind of the worst.

i say that a lot.

“kind of the worst.” 

which i suppose isn’t horrible, but it shows what a pessimist i am.

is it bad to be a pessimist? 

i feel like this is one of those things where you just write.

there’s no consistency.

it doesn’t matter how things are spelled.

you just write to let everything out.

and let me say, it’s much easier to type and not get a cramp than it is to write.

some people make me so upset. 

and i don’t explain to them why i’m upset.

there are certain things that make me so incredibly nostalgic.

regina spektor for example.

sunsets.

singing at night.

looking out the window at night.

the moon in the summer sky.

fireworks.

revisiting ------.

redacted.

there are other things that don’t make me nostalgic.

my old religious school.

most video games.

pencils.

school.

some people.

i love going through old photo albums. 

it’s such a refreshing thing to do.

i really liked looking through the photo albums of pops with dd.

i almost cried.

i didn’t though. 

i couldn’t. 

redacted would give me shit for it.

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♜ everything gets to be too much at some point.

i feel nostalgic in such a horrible way

i wish i didn’t.

i just want to live life how i used to, but i can’t anymore.

there are certain things in life i would undo if i could.

certain people i would un-meet. 

people i would meet over and over just because they’re wonderful people.

there are people who make me smile and realize what an amazing day i’ve had. 

and people who ruin my day.

but they’re in my life no matter what.

there are so many people i care about.

i don’t know, this is such a strange thing to write.

especially digitally.

i have a diary, which is probably safer than email documents.

and it can get much more personal. 

but this just feels right.

i know i’ll look back on this and cringe and say, ‘i was so dumb’.

but i just need to say a few things.

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negative !!

time is just slipping by and i'm doing nothing

summer is cool and all. like i hate school as much as any other teen. but i can't help how negative my thoughts have become due to all this free time. i work four days out of the week and none of my friends bother to talk to me. on weekends i'll try and plan something or just have a conversation and just get brushed off.

i understand being busy, i get it. but i find it hard to believe that every time i contact you you'e busy.

my life has become so cyclical and boring. it just feels as if everything i do doesn't matter anymore. i enjoy a lot of things my parents don't, so im criticized when i speak on my interests. since my friends haven't been availible i've been working more shifts to avoid staying home all day on my laptop. everything i've done this summer feels like a useless joke. any free time makes me feel either bad or simply guilty because even when i try to talk to my friends daily i feel like i'm the problem. and maybe i am. i'm just sick of feeling like everything is some boring cycle designed to make me feel a little worse about myself. i don't want school to start, but at this point i'm desperate for anything that'll allow me to hang out with people outside of my family. i love them and all, but im so sick of seeing them day in and out making fun of me. i just kind of wish that everything would improve or at least make more sense. why does everyone just push me away? i'd say i'm fairly average, is that why ?

i'm not really looking for pity or anything, bc ngl it doesn't appeal. i just want normal friends, and i don't know how to just make riends with random strangers. it's summer, i'm not going to walk up to some random kid and ask them if they wanna be friends. i really just need someone to approach me i guess. or give me a reason to approach them where i won't feel stressed outta my mind thinking about if they'll ditch me or not. i feel like my existence is so pointless because everyone seems to be doing so much and i'm just working and then coming home and sitting on instagram. i'll go for a walk or something but overall i just feel kinda useless and worthless. there isn't much of a point in trying hard when you've got no one to try hard for. i know things will pobably improve, but i'm a little sick of waiting. i want somethin to happen now. but i feel like that's so greedy of me. someone out there has it worse. so wjy swhould i complain ?

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honestly, love live has been a really influential thing in my life and i don’t know what i would’ve done if it weren’t for μ's i don’t think i would’ve made it through my school year last year. i really look up to them in a way, their determination more than anything. i understand they’re fictional, but they’ve helped me through some tough times and i honestly adore them.