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I can't believe bedtime 🛏️ used to be a punishment.

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a moment of honesty

I’ve been slacking for months now, truly. While I’ve been reading more books, I haven’t been able to review for the MCAT at all since pretty much the new year, and this literally delayed my progress by several months. It’s frustrating and while sure, yes, I have so much work to do and errands to run and chores to complete and bills to pay, these things aren’t such good excuses anymore. Not when there are so many out there just like me (even others in stickier situations) who are able to make things work. And so I asked myself why, “why do you delay things so much?” And honestly? If I think deeply about why I’m procrastinating so much… it’s honestly because I’m really afraid I’ll fail. There.

I’m so afraid of being rejected and finding out that I may not be cut out for medical school or medicine in general. And it scares me that by moving forward (taking the mcat, applying for med school, etc.), those fears may come true; that I’m not good, not worthy of practicing medicine. It would put an end to a childhood dream. An aspiration I’ve held on to for at least two decades now (this is all I’ve ever thought about since I knew what a doctor was). And without even knowing it, I’ve become that Alan Arkin quote: “A real loser is someone who’s so afraid of not winning he doesn’t even try.” I’ve become that and right now, I’m trying so hard to undo everything that led me to becoming a version of myself that honestly makes me so sad.

To my mutuals and to random strangers who see this, I’m sorry such a salty post have come your way. I seriously needed to put these thoughts out there as form of catharsis. A way for me to be more honest with myself and stop denying the current state of my life (my premed life at least).

Anyway, all I can do now is move forward (however slowly it may be) and hopefully, in a few months time, I can come back and say that I’m doing much much better. For now, I’ll share parts of my life that are working per usual (reading, language learning, and my research work).

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A quick post on a couple of my recent reads!

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata: Very interesting protagonist! The narrator seems as if she may be on the spectrum. It’s never really stated plainly in the book but it’s so plain to see, especially in how people (“society”) treat her and her own views on things. Slightly bittersweet but the ending was cathartic in a way.

The Easy Life by Marguerite Duras: I knew at the moment I read the blurb for this book that I would like it. A few things happen in this book but it’s mostly about the protagonist’s own thoughts and emotional journey (turmoil?). The translators also gave their views on Duras, her works, and this book and I agree that The Easy Life is essentially a coming-of-age tale. Not the typical ones we think of, but a good one nonetheless (in my humble opinion).

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how it feels like to go to a lecture after an allnighter

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Lunchtime meetings because there’s not enough time today 😭

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Book haul alert! For the holidays, I bought a few of the books seen here but a few others were gifted to me by family during our annual gift exchange thing. Gifting a book is definitely hard but I basically added books from my TBR list that I really wanna read within the next few months lol

It’s a possibility that I may not like all the books in the end (I’m easily pleased so I doubt that) but it’s the thought that counts!

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Got myself a Kokuyo Jibun-Techo planner! I haven’t used a physical planner in a minute but I wanna see if it becomes a game changer this time. I have several things coming up in the next few months and I also wanna have less screen time, so hopefully this works out for me 🤞🏽

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Busy busy busy few months. My routine has basically been sleep, eat, work, rinse and repeat. But I had a few outings here and there to help balance the mundanity with some fun. I’m so not going to meet my reading goal this year but eh, at least I got to enjoy the books I did get to read. And I’m soooo behind with MCAT review 😭 I’m thinking of reducing my work hours in the next few months, so I may be able to catch up then. And I most likely have to delay when I’m going to take the test (I planned for January but it’s looking more like April at this point) but it is what it is. I’d really rather take the MCAT just once (and when I’m decently prepared).

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About to host a webinar this weekend and I’m sweating bullets just thinking about it

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(Warning for a potential “At Bertram’s Hotel” spoiler below)

Went to a coffee shop today and read a good chunk of another Miss Marple book that I recently started. This one is a bit further away from the usual cozy mystery vibes that most Miss Marple books give off. One won’t find the usual kind of small-town, cottage murders in this one. Instead there might be a crime syndicate? An elaborate mafia-like scheme that might be connected to a murder in a hotel that Miss Marple is staying at? I don’t usually enjoy plots involving mafia/gang/crime syndicate elements but this one might be an exception.

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It seems like the end of the world. The earth is all scorched and black and everything green is gone. But after the burning the soil is richer, and new things can grow . . . People are like that, too, you know. They start over. They find a way.

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

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Started a new job so doing extra days for work orientation means I haven’t really had the chance to review as much as I wanted to 🥴 (the amount of caffeine I’ve been ingesting nowadays though 😵‍💫)

Then here’s my cat just being a cat. With the little time I have lately, all I’ve been doing when I’m not working is eating, sleeping, or staring at my cat (and I’m too tired to do anything else 💀)

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I’ve been delaying mcat review for 3 years now all because I’ve been so scared with the thought of getting a lower score (to compensate for my lower than median gpa). But after taking a long hard look at my long-term goals, I don’t think I can delay it any longer. This was me last night, catching up on chemistry fundamentals. Needless to say, I got my work cut out for me 🥴

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Where you can donate to help Maui, Hawaii

this article has places listed that you can donate to, but i’ll also put direct links to some of these places in this post:

Maui United Way

Maui Strong Fund

Maui Food Bank

Maui Humane Society

my family is based in Oahu, but i consider all the islands my home even though i physically haven’t stepped foot on them before. seeing all the homes and history and memories being lost in this hurts.

if you are unable to donate, don’t feel guilty—doing things like spreading the word and making people aware of the situation helps as well. thank you for whatever you can do! mahalo

UPDATE: removed Maui Mutual Aid Fund for now because upon further research using the charity checking sites provided by this gov site, it doesn’t appear in results unlike the others listed. so i advise caution for now if you decide to donate there! they may still be legitimate, but i want to exercise caution.

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spanish vocab - cooking methods

ahumar - to smoke

asar - to roast, to grill

blanquear - to blanch

brasear - to braise

cocer - to cook

cocinar - to cook

cocinar a la plancha - to grill

cocinar al vapor - to steam

deshidratar - to dehydrate

dorar - to brown

estofar - to stew

freír, fritar - to fry

guisar - to stew

hervir - to boil

hornear - to bake

pochar - to poach

rostizar - to roast

saltear - to sauté

sofreír - to sauté

tostar - to toast

making this list was interesting since sometimes a simple translation doesn't suffice or there's regional difference. here is some added nuance to some of the terms:

freír vs fritar: this one is just a regional difference. fritar, according to la rae, is used in bolivia, colombia & uruguay

saltear vs. sofreír: sofreír is what you do at the beginning with ingredients like onions and garlic on lower heat to make a sofrito which serves as a base. whereas saltear is more general, you stirfry vegetables

cocinar vs. cocer: in many cases interchangable, but an important difference is that cocinar refers to the general process of cooking (today we are going to cook spaghetti with meatballs = cocinar) whereas cocer refers to the act of cooking something to make it not raw. that said, the opposite of crudo 'raw' is cocido 'cooked'

estofar vs. guisar: an estofado is a guiso but a guiso isn't necessarily an estofado: both are stewing, but estofar is to cook something in its own juices while guisar adds liquid.

asar vs. rostizar: rostizar is just an mexican/central american to asar, but it seems the cooking method is the same

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hey followers n mutuals <3

click here if you voted “english” as your first language