queen-of-neverthesame - Tumblr blog

queen-of-neverthesame · 10 days

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So it ends like this by Me

Does the ADA work for queens of sacrifice? For those who put themselves last to care for others? No. It does not. Just say cane or walker or even wheelchair and watch the brakes begin to smoke from stopping too fast, too quickly. Don’t wait on an advocate either. They don’t exist except to say sorry and good luck. Why? Just because I’ve been wanting to slow down and maybe even retire? So now I do nothing? Oh they’re intelligent. They all post that pitiful excuse known as the ADA somewhere in the job description and then cleverly claim a job I’ve seen women only get up to go to the bathroom and go to lunch requires pushing, pulling, lifting. Why the farce? Why lie? Just say it. You’re over. You’re through. It’s the end. I’d respect you more for your honesty than your apathy.

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queen-of-neverthesame · 10 days

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When She Takes A Bow by Me

At some point we all have taken all we can take. Enough is enough. We all give our best and decide we just have nothing left. We’ve put it all out there and pray that it will someday be enough. We approach the stage to hear the results. The announcer steps forward and calls name after name, but never yours. You turn to leave thinking all has been in vain when suddenly you think you hear it. Your name. Did I really hear it? You turn and look and see people staring at you! Okay so yes I guess I was called. You slowly turn around and walk toward the crowd. The success stories. Those with accolades and applause. All is silent with each painful step. You finally arrive and the announcer just stands. Finally he speaks. “Are you happy to be here? Are you excited to hear your results?” You’re stunned and drop your head. The announcer states, “don’t worry. There are no losers. No true losers. You have been recognized. Not for any great deed, but for your encouraging of others when you felt isolated and alone. You see, child, no one is ever alone, but you sought others when you thought they needed a word, a hug, a nod. Take a bow. You’ve been recognized.”

#life #help me #be strong

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queen-of-neverthesame · 10 days

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I sit and worry. I get up and go to the kitchen thinking the refrigerator will be holding a new surprise since I last checked 10 minutes ago. I find some cheese and a few stray crackers and think it’s pretty close to keto, right? I go sit down and turn on the TV. Oh Lord. It’s daytime TV and nothing but crazy talk shows programmed to drive up your blood pressure or die from complete boredom pop up channel after channel. So I get up and go back to the bedroom. “When will they come get the car?” I ask myself. The surgeon said nothing was malignant, right? Oh good grief. I forgot to preheat the oven for the chicken casserole so he will be mad again. Yet again. “Will we lose the house?” I wonder. “No. There are no liens on the house.” I must’ve been really bad in my past although I don’t remember really being that bad. There were a few times, but seriously? Bad enough to face an unsure future? A sudden leave placement because the pain is just too severe to continue working? What will the kids do if we lose everything? What will they think of me? Of their Dad? Lord, help! Their Dad. He means well but he just can’t seem to understand that I need his support. I know his world went from affording whatever we wanted to possibly losing it all. I know he wants to keep the boat and the tractor. I know he secretly resents me for “getting sick.” So what am I supposed to do? Cancel the surgery? No, because then I won’t ever and I mean never ever get better. They made that clear. Why can’t folks see I haven’t given up? I’m still sending out letters to recruiters. I am letting them know the situation and that I can still work prn with allowances. I mean a walker is that restrictive? I’m not asking that they bust up concrete and build me my own space. Everyone says to take it one day at a time. Like I have a choice. I’m tired all the time. I’ve, quite frankly, given up. I feel like a loser. My life no longer has purpose. I’m nobody. I’m invisible until I need something and then here comes the heavy sighs and the loud but quiet protests. Okay. So who can I depend on? Who, after all these years of caring for other, is going to care for me? The resounding answer I get over and over is simply me. I tell myself I’ll make it before again I start to worry. Is he mad? Is he tired of me? Oh my Lord. Will the kids make him put me in a nursing home so he can live his life without me being in the way? Lord. How did we end up here? Why won’t the worry just go away?

Gdw by Me

#all lost too soon #never the same #help me

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