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The Land Before Time Liveblog 13

The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends

Last Time: Petrie trained exhaustively for his people's traditional rite of passage to become a man while Cera dealt with feeling the complex mix of love and jealousy that comes from having a new baby sister.

But you don't care about that! The star of the film is a racist and annoying stand-up comedian! He has amnesia, is a predator who hangs out with children, and makes terrible jokes constantly! You'll love wasting 20 minutes of your life on a pointless sleepwalking bit!

This Time: I've heard bad things about this one. I'm frightened.

Sorry this took so long. I got about 3/4ths of the way through and then I burnt out (partially from this film, partially from other stuff in my life). I took a break, then came back to it.

A day after this post, I will post a poll asking if I should review the TV show or skip to 14. So keep an eye out for that.

They don't play with the Universal logo this time, but I'm okay with that, since they did the thing last time. It just shows up like normal and then fades out.

... and then the movie fades in on a shot of the solar system, and zooms in on the Earth anyway. Seems like they could have integrated this into the Universal Logo fine.

Huh, that's not Pangaea, but it's not our present Earth, either. The landmasses are a little off, but I think this is setting the movie around 75 million years ago, or right near the end of the Cretaceous. That long island should be the Zagros Mountains of Iran, meaning the peninsula at the top is the North Caucasus region of Russia.

That top landmass is the one the camera zooms in on, meaning I guess The Land Before Time takes place in Russia? Or China/Mongolia, the camera tracks quite a ways. The Land Before Time takes place in North Asia. Or at least this intro segment does.

Narrator: "Our world has existed for billions of years, and has been home to many different types of creatures. All have faced unexpected challenges. And have had to develop their own kinds of wisdom to keep them safe. The dinosaurs of the Great Valley had to learn some lessons, too."

That was the shortest, shittiest narrator opening yet! I usually cut out half the narrator speech and just include the important bit, but this was so short I could include the whole thing!

We see Littlefoot and Grandma eating from trees.

Littlefoot eats the bottom leaf, then uses the Longneck Trick from 2 to bend the tree down so he can eat the top one, but when it does, it snaps back and launches him off. He shakes it off and then sees a fallen tree spanning a huge ravine, with leaves in the canopy on the other side. He walks across the tree halfway, then calls back to Grandma.

Littlefoot: "Hey, Grandma! Look at me!"

Grandma: "Littlefoot! Come down from there, that's quite a drop!"

Littlefoot: "But Grandma, there's still some Tree Stars on it!"

Grandma: "There are plenty of Tree Stars on this tree, dear."

Littlefoot: "But I can get these all by myself!"

Then the ground starts shaking and the log starts rolling side to side precariously, and Littlefoot falls off! Grandma runs over onto the tree and reaches down to catch him in her mouth, then deposits him on the ground.

But then the tree falls under Grandma's weight! She falls into the ravine! But she catches herself on the side! She manages to bite a root and pull to climb back up onto the ledge! Littlefoot asks if she's okay, and she reassures him that she's fine. He insists it would have been okay if not for the Earthshake, and she nuzzles him to make him feel better.

Then we cut from that to nighttime, where Grandpa, Grandma, and Littlefoot are all sleeping (wait, was that a dream? that would explain the weird vibe and dialogue). Littlefoot is having a nightmare! In his nightmare, Grandma catches herself on the ledge but there's no root to bite!! She reaches out to Littlefoot but he can't save her, and she falls to her death!!!

Littlefoot wakes up gasping for air, and Grandma is also awake. He calls out to her, and she reassures him that she's here. He tells her his dream and she reminds him that she didn't fall before, this was just a Sleep Story.

Oh. So the earlier scene WASN'T a dream. The way this was set up was confusing. So Littlefoot was just acting like an idiot for no reason and Grandma actually almost died. As a seasoned veteran of crossing chasms on makeshift bridges, he should know the dangers of them by now. However, I guess I have to give the movie props for going this dark, this early.

Littlefoot apologizes to Grandma for causing trouble.

Grandma: "I know, dear. But no-one knows what life is going to bring us before it happens. That's why we learn The Wisdoms."

Littlefoot: "Wisdoms? I remember them! ...what were they, again?"

Grandma: "Oh-hoho! Those are the ways of doing things which help us stay safe when the unexpected happens. Like this one: 'stay in a group'. I stayed near you, so I was able to help when you got into trouble. Your grandpa and I have tried to teach you The Wisdoms, although we may not have always called them that."

Littlefoot (determined): "Well, I want to remember all of them! Tell me The Wisdoms, Grandma!"

That's where the scene ends. So that "we may not have always called them that" is the movie's excuse to introduce this new concept and say it's always been around. I'm already rolling my eyes at the "after-school special" vibes of the lessons this movie promises to teach.

Littlefoot in this movie is voiced by Cody Arens, Logan Arens, and Anthony Skillman. Yup, three voices. I'm sure THAT'S a good sign! Y'all will probably only hear Anthony, since he's the singing voice. I think the voice I've heard so far is Cody and uh, I hate it! It's REALLY high-pitched, you'd never believe Cody was 14 here, he sounds like he's 7. I don't understand this obsession with constantly re-casting Littlefoot to sound like a kid. Cera, Ducky, and Petrie have had the same adult voice actors since 5, and they do a fine job. It's really jarring to hear Littlefoot's voice constantly changing.

The next day, the rest of The Gang is jumping across a rushing river on some rocks. Flying and swimming is off-limits, and Petrie flubs a jump and is carried away, barely climbing onto another rock! Cera shows off by doing a big jump of her own, but misses and falls in the water, also getting carried away! Littlefoot sees her flailing and tries to save her but she complains about him hurting her tail.

Littlefoot freaks out and demands the others help her, but she just stands up and walks back. This river is fast, but very shallow, and they're just pretending to be in danger as part of the game "Jump and Get Swept Away".

Littlefoot: "I think pretending to be in trouble is against The Wisdoms!"

Ducky: "What are 'Wisdoms'?"

Littlefoot: "They help you be safe, like 'stay in a group', or 'work together'!"

The others are confused.

Petrie: "Ohohoho! You mean 'The Say-Sos'!"

Littlefoot: "The what?"

Petrie: "'The Say-Sos'! Mom tell me to do those things 'cause 'she say so'!"

The after-school special vibes are INTENSIFYING!

This leads into song 1 of the movie (what, ALREADY?!): Say So.

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Sorry about the bad quality, for some reason the official upload of this song only has the first bit.

This song fucking sucks. The tone and singing is annoying, the lyrics are basic, boring, and repetitive.

It sets up Littlefoot as a stick-in-the-mud and the rest of The Gang as strawmen rebels, complaining about parental nagging. But like, both sides feel out-of-character. Littlefoot is just as much of a rebel as the rest of them are, and the rest of them have been in more than enough dangerous situations, have more than enough practical field experience, to know the reasoning behind these various tips for living. Everyone here feels too immature. And it's SO preachy.

Also the animation is REALLY jank, especially on Cera. I've noticed when Cera gets mad in a song, the animators use a lot more squash and stretch on her than normal. I don't like it, it's really jarring. The last third of the song is downright surreal.

The only decent bit is Cera mentioning Tria for continuity and Cera mentioning the adults harassing them with The Wisdoms is a recent thing. So I guess they had an off-screen parent conference about their kids constantly getting into trouble and decided to drill safety into their heads. Which, y'know, fair. Also, overall the song isn't offensively bad, it could be worse.

The song ends with Cera launching herself into some tall grass, and the other kids laugh at her for WAY too long. Then she screams and backs up out of the grass! She says there's something strange in there! The kids look on in fear and back up as the tall grass rustles!

No.

No, not this early, we're only 12 minutes in!

Not introduced in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY GUIDO WAS!!!

DAMNIT! Oh, just by their designs alone (and from what others have told me), I can already tell these three are gonna suck!

Blue: *emerges from the grass* "Well, hello!" (waves)

Pink: *backs out of the grass, when her butt hits Blue's butt, it makes a squeaky toy sound* "What did you say?"

Blue (coy): "I wasn't talking to you!"

Pink: *shrugging* "Then who were you talking to?"

Green: *squeak*

Pink: "Him?"

Blue: "Nope!" *he nods toward The Gang* "Them!"

Pink (scared): "Ooh!" *endeared* "Oooohhh!"

At this, The Gang take a step back. Right move kids, stranger danger, and these three are strange. Remember how I said Guido felt like a stand-up comedian? Blue and Pink do, too. They just have that performative way of speaking.

Pink runs toward "them", arms outspread! She calls Cera "beautiful", picks her up, and hugs her!

Stranger danger! STRANGER DANGER!!

Pink introduces herself as... (sigh) Doofah before putting Cera down. Blue is Loofah. Green is Foobie (but it 100% sounds like Doofah calls him "booby"). Loofah asks if there are any berries to eat, and the scene ends there.

Remember how previous movies had the guest characters voiced by famous celebrities, and I figured that must have been the plan for Guido? Well, these three are. Doofah is voiced by Sandra Oh, Loofah is voiced by Cuba Gooding Jr, and Foobie (even though he doesn't talk, he just squeaks) is voiced by Pete Sepenuk. I'm disappointed in them as people for taking these roles.

Supposedly, according to Wikipedia, these three are Beipiaosaurus. Which are SUPPOSED to look like this:

What a downgrade. See those claws, poking out of the feathers? Yeah, Beipiaosaurus were therizinosaurs, the claws on its arms were HUGE. Cera should have been disemboweled!

Next scene, we see Loofah, Doofah, and Foobie eating berries by the handful, sloppily and messily, with lots of gross smacking mouth sounds.

Littlefoot: "How long has it been since you ate?"

Loofah: "Must've been, uhhh, let's see... right before you guys showed up!"

Doofah: "Mm, but not berries! Berries are the best!"

Loofah: "The place where we're headed for has berries, too, and it's a valley just like this one! Hah, I wish I could remember what it's called... it's got a real catchy name!" *he bonks his head with his palm*

Doofah: "Is it 'Doofah'? Oh, ahahahaha, no ah, that's my name, nhaha! Don't worry, the Wise One will figure it out, eventually!"

...Sandra Oh plays Debbie Grayson in Invincible. And she's AMAZING in that! I'm glad this didn't kill her career. Because it SHOULD'VE! No, that's too mean.

Cera and Littlefoot are relieved to hear there's a "wise one", because they can tell as much as the audience that these two are idiots. Doofah eats a whole bunch of flowers and then starts choking on it. Foobie spits some berry juice at Loofah's face, and he remembers it's called "Berry Valley" (oh, thank dino-god, it's not the Great Valley, they're not gonna live here permanently).

Loofah finally realizes Doofah is choking and runs over to give her a really stupid-looking Heimlich maneuver, spinning her around and slamming her butt on the ground repeatedly (which makes squeaky toy noises, because of course it does). The Gang just watch, slack-jawed in stunned silence.

She coughs up flower petals and Loofah says they call that the "Yellow-Bellied Bounce". Doofah should've been disemboweled.

Doofah asks if there's anything to drink around here, and Cera leads them on. They walk off while talking about how many berries must be in Berry Valley, and Petrie looks back at the skeletonized berry bushes and grumbles about how they used to have berries here, too.

You know, having a really annoying character isn't forgivable just because they're annoying on purpose and the other characters think they're annoying, too. Just look at Jar-Jar Binks.

At a watering hole, they're sucking down a ridiculous amount of water. Littlefoot asks where the rest of the herd is, and Loofah explains they're on their way to meet up with them, then he forgets their destination again and asks Doofah what it was.

Doofah (quickly): "Berry Valley! Ever-since-our-herd-first-heard-of-Berry-Valley, we've-wanted-very-badly-to-be-Berry-Valley-Yellow-Bellies!" *she kicks water off, making squeaky toy noises*

Loofah (quickly): "EEEEEEEEEEE!!! Yeah, there's-nothing-Yellow-Bellies-love-better-than-berries-and-a-valley-filled-with-berries-means-lots-of-berries-to-fill-us-Yellow-Bellies!"

Doofah and Loofah bounce bellies together, making a loud squeaky toy noise, then they laugh together REALLY annoyingly and high-pitched. Petrie can't understand them.

Cera: "Sooo, where are you meeting your herd?"

Loofah: "No idea!"

Foobie: "Mmmm!"

Doofah: "Can't remember!"

Littlefoot: "Then hhhhhhhow do you know which way to go?"

Loofah and Doofah: "Simple! We'll go, this way!" *they all point in different directions*

They look at each other and all start laughing, then hunker down in a huddle and talk hurriedly amongst themselves. Then they say "we'll go this way", and they all point different directions again. Foobie points the same direction, but Loofah is pointing the exact opposite direction and Doofah is pointing slightly to the right. They all laugh again, then wave goodbye to The Gang, Doofah again saying they're beautiful, and they walk away, weaving side to side, humming to themselves.

Okay, that was weird, but they're gone now, right?! We won't have to see them anymore, they were just in the movie for 4 minutes? No, of course not.

So, I get what they represent. They're stupid and dumb and represent stupid and dumb people who don't listen to their parents and learn The Wisdoms. That's obviously how they tie into the movie thematically, right? Doesn't make it any better. Although they do have a "Wise One" who I'm pretty sure is Foobie. He spat berry juice at Loofah to remind him it's called "Berry Valley", and then when they were deciding where to go, Foobie pointed the same direction twice, like that's the right way.

That night, Littlefoot's having another nightmare. He imagines the Yellow-Bellies (I get it, they were traumatizing) dancing on the fallen tree. He warns them to keep their eyes and ears open, since it's a long fall, and they all dramatically look down. Loofah and Doofah freak out and run toward Littlefoot, scrambling over each other until they both trip and fall to their deaths off either side of the tree (oh, if only). Littlefoot wakes up, gasping.

Littlefoot: "That does it, we've gotta help 'em!"

WHAT?! NO!! That's the motivation for this movie?! Littlefoot thinks they're fucking stupid idiots who need help from children?! You knew them for FOUR MINUTES, why are you going to risk your life for them?!?!

At dawn, Littlefoot has gathered The Gang and is leading them up the Great Wall.

Cera thinks this is ridiculous, and I agree. Littlefoot insists he needs to teach them The Wisdoms so they stay safe.

Cera: "Who cares if those three go wandering around in the Mysterious Beyond?!"

Ducky: "I do! Yup yup yup!"

Littlefoot: "Me too! After the Sleep Story I just had, I can't let them go like this!"

Cera: "You and your Sleep Stories! You've got to learn to relax."

Petrie: "Me think you got to stop eating Tree Stars right before sleepytime!"

I can't tell, but the movie might be making a reference to 10 here, since the inciting incident of that movie was Littlefoot and his grandparents having a prophetic dream. If so, that's a decent continuity nod.

Well, maybe we'll get lots of fun adventuring time before the kids catch up to the Yellow-Bellies. We're only like 18 minutes in, this is pretty early to start the adventure, so maybe the film will be more adventure-focused like 5 or 10. The Yellow-Bellies had half a day head start, they should be pretty far along by no-

Nope. Next scene, later in the day, we see the Yellow-Bellies standing on the edge of the Great Wall, all marveling at the Mysterious Beyond. Loofah and Doofah have gotten turned around and are looking at the Great Valley, thinking that's the Mysterious Beyond. Foobie makes some weird squawking noises to alert them to the fact that they're facing the wrong way.

Yeah, Foobie is definitely the "Wise One". Littlefoot walks up behind them and says hi, jumpscaring all three into smashing their beaks into the ledge beneath them, cracking it. They're touched the kids came to see them off, and Littlefoot says he doesn't think they're ready to go.

Loofah: "WHAT?!"

Doofah and Foobie: "Huh?"

Loofah: "But we have to! We have to lead our herd to Berry Valley!"

Doofah: "They'd be lost without us!"

Petrie (looking at Cera): "...You not gonna say something?"

Cera: "Maybe later."

Hah! Okay, the film got ONE laugh so far.

Littlefoot says he's gonna teach them some Wisdoms because you never know what's gonna happen. Then the ledge crack grows and falls, all of them sliding down the Great Wall with it!

Doofah starts having fun, and they surf the rock down the wall and up some curved slopes like a snowboard. Petrie just flies over them. They stop on the lip of a cliff, but then when Petrie lands, it tips forward and slides down again to another cliff. Loofah says that wasn't so bad, then steps forward and falls. Unfortunately for me, he falls on the cliff side of the rock, not the 500-foot sheer drop side.

He falls on his face, and when he pulls his beak out of the ground, he remembers where they're supposed to meet the herd! At a huge pile of rocks that look just like a Yellow-Belly! He looks out, but can't find it, turning around to reveal a pile of rocks behind him, perfectly matching his silhouette.

Foobie points at it, and then when Loofah doesn't understand, he physically turns Loofah's head to make him see it.

Loofah: "Wooow... we look like that?!"

All three get all self-conscious about their appearance, Loofah lifting up his giant gut and then dropping it with a sloshing sound.

Remember how I said the Spiketails in 8 were an example of moderately positive fat representation? In that they ate a lot but were very matter-of-fact and practical about that, and were approving of Spike for eating a lot, too? And the movie didn't really make fun of them for it?

Yeah, the Yellow-Bellies are non-stop fat jokes.

Littlefoot praises Foobie and then says he's gonna teach them the Wisdoms, they just need to listen and repeat what he says. The Yellow-Bellies, to their credit, seem mildly uncomfortable with being talked down to by this kid, but they go along with it and listen up. He says to "keep your eyes and ears open", and they keep listening expectantly. He tries explaining that was it, but they just get confused.

Petrie tells Littlefoot to give up, and Cera says they need to go back home, since it's gonna be a long hike uphill before dark. Littlefoot feels iffy about leaving them, but Petrie and Ducky point out they can see the meeting place, and then once they meet up, the Wise One will take care of them (wait, are they seriously gonna drag out the reveal that the Wise One is Foobie? It's so obvious). Littlefoot relents and tells them to stay in a group before leaving with The Gang. Doofah thinks that sounds fun. The Yellow-Bellies squeeze together and walk away with arms slung over their shoulders.

Okay, NOW we get movie time without them, right? NOPE!

Littlefoot hopes they remember the "stay in a group" Wisdom, then they look back and they're already split up and walking in different directions. Cera, exasperated, agrees to help them until they find their herd (no, please Cera, stay strong, I can't take much more). They turn around (noooooooo....).

Doofah freaks out when she sees Cera and she runs and trips onto Petrie, squishing him. Littlefoot scolds Loofah for not staying in a group, then tells Loofah his plan to reunite them then return before dark. Uncomfortable, Loofah asks which group will lead, and Littlefoot very slowly (clearly enunciating every syllable) says The Gang will. The kids DEFINITELY think the Yellow-Bellies are MORONS. Littlefoot promises Petrie that after this, they'll get home before dark.

Okay, so the message of the movie is the opposite of what I said before. The Yellow-Bellies have their own culture and "Wisdom" and Littlefoot's being a preachy brat by imposing his own cultural ideas on them and assuming they're stupid. Except they are stupid, I hate them, and I don't want to respect their culture.

As they're walking along, Doofah sings horribly off-key while skipping and plucking flower petals and throwing them in the wind, annoying Cera. Ducky laughs at her and when she turns around, Petrie rats Ducky out. At the back, Foobie shares some leftover berries with Spike. At the front, Loofah has a question for Littlefoot.

Loofah: "So these, what do you call 'em, Wisdoms you were talking about? Explain 'em to me again, would you please?"

Littlefoot: "They're just... thoughts to help you get through life and stay safe."

Loofah: "OH, you mean like 'go with the flow of the Big Water' or... 'up with your tush and you look like a bush'."

Littlefoot: "Huh? I don't even understand that one."

Loofah: "Just relax! There's nothing out here to be so worried about! We're completely ALOOOOOOONE!!!!"

Okay, so the bush thing is gonna come back later, obviously. That's why they've been trying to stick their heads in the ground. I'm picking up on what this movie is putting down. I just hate it.

Also, yeah, Loofah screams "alone" super loud and then we cut (in a really janky and low frame-rate pan, actually the animation this whole movie has been really off-model and weak) to a pack of Sharpteeth, listening in.

Wikipedia says these are Baryonyx, and that's... not too far off from what they're supposed to look like. Good job Loofah, you've doomed us all.

Later, Cera's whining that she just wants to go home and they can handle the walk over by themselves (yes, please). In response, Loofah sits down and announces that he's thirsty like a toddler. The other two follow suit. Littlefoot says they passed a watering hole before, why didn't they drink then? Loofah retorts he wasn't thirsty then, but he is now, and the other two agree with that logic. Cera says the Wisdom "plan ahead" covers this, and Littlefoot suggests they search for another watering hole, how about in that dangerous-looking canyon?

As you can see, the Yellow-Bellies are staying put because they're "too thirsty to move".

Later, Doofah (oh, c'mon, now we're focusing on them even WITHOUT The Gang?!?!) sees a mirage in the distance, and Loofah sees it too, and he wakes up Foobie. Foobie realizes the thing they're looking at (the pack of Baryonyx charging toward them with REALLY terrible animation, like my god it's bad) is real and he desperately tries to make these two morons who are too dumb to live get up and run away. He just barely succeeds when the Baryonyx reach them and the brown one bites one of his tail feathers. It's only after they've started running that Doofah and Loofah finally realizes they're real.

What follows is an unbelievably poorly-animated and excessively long chase sequence into the canyon. The Gang hear the screaming and run back to see, and somehow they're on a ledge high over the Yellow-Bellies, who get cornered against a stone wall (EAT THEM, BARYONYX!)! They try to bury their heads again, but the ground is still too hard!

And then... the stupidest thing ever happens! The Yellow-Bellies start bouncing up and down on their butts, shaking the ground and making rocks fall. The Gang help out from above by pushing more rocks down, and eventually a huge rockslide buries the group of Baryonyx.

THEY'RE THERIZINOSAURS!! THEIR DEFENSE MECHANISM SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE BOUNCING ON THEIR FAT ASSES TO SHAKE THE FUCKING EARTH, THEY SHOULD HAVE MASSIVE CLAWS TO DEFEND THEMSELVES WITH!!!

I hate this, so much. For so many reasons. The Baryonyx should have been disemboweled.

The Yellow-Bellies run over the buried Baryonyx and run up to the ledge the kids are on, then run right past them out of the canyon. When Littlefoot sees the brown Baryonyx still moving, he pulls a fucking Mortal Kombat fatality and pushes another rock, completely burying it in a rockslide. Merciless. Everyone stops running, gasping for breath.

Doofah: "So, did you find any water?"

Cera: "Grrr... THAT'S IT!!!" *she charges at them* (YES!)

Littlefoot: "Cera, wait!" *he jumps in front of her* (NO!) "WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE, NOW!!!"

Doofah (cheerful): "Okie-dokie!" *they walk away*

Cera (stunned): "...here we go again."

I don't know if that line was supposed to be delivered that way, but Littlefoot's yell definitely gave me the vibe of "stand down, soldier, that's an order". It felt very forceful and directed. The mood whiplash in these scene is painful.

Later, Littlefoot is wondering if they'll be fine on their own, and Cera insists they will, based on how fast they can run. Littlefoot makes an aside that they need to know when to run (how do you know that's a problem they had? You weren't there for that scene!)

Finally, they make it to the big stupid pile of rocks that looks like a Yellow-Belly. Again, Loofah takes offense at the rock, this time at its huge rear end. Ducky walks forward and finds a pond, surrounded by a bunch of stupid-looking bushes. Doofah starts talking to them, and The Gang briefly thinks she's crazy until some of them pop up, and then Littlefoot realizes the meaning of the tush bush thing he said earlier, which is why they keep bonking their heads into the ground (obviously).

I'm sorry, I'm not even halfway through the film and I'm already burnt out. So is Petrie.

Petrie (abruptly): "Well, we found herd, time to go home before dark, that deal!"

Littlefoot: "Yeah but... maybe not now."

Ducky: "We came to show the Yellow-Bellies how to obey the Wisdoms, and now we are breaking one?! That does not make a lot of sense, no no no!"

Littlefoot: "I'm sorry, I just think it's safer to stay here with the big group and wait for the Bright Circle to rise again."

Petrie: "Ooh, our folks is gonna worry, for sure!"

Big Sis Ducky hates being responsible for anyone besides Spike, but she'll do it if she has to.

With this, we cut back to the Great Valley (YES, CHARACTERS I ACTUALLY LIKE!) at dusk. Grandma is walking through and looking around. She sees Tria and asks her if she's seen the kids.

Tria: "No, and I always tell Cera to be home before dark...!"

Grandma: "They know the Wisdoms, I wouldn't worry. But, perhaps we should speak to the others."

And that's the end of that scene. Gone too soon. We cut back to the Yellow-Belly herd having a pool party. They're all chatting and laughing with a super-annoying "hyuck-hyuck" laugh. Cera is moping.

This (nooooo) leads into (no no no) song 2 of the movie (nonononononono) Yellow Belly Bounce (FUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

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4 MINUTES, OH LORD! (-UUUUUUUUUUUCK!)

I hate this. I hate this so much. This is like if Hakuna Matata was terrible. I hate the canon-breaking assertion that The Gang don't know how to dance and have fun (like this isn't the 39th song in the franchise). I hate the janky animation. I hate how the song is half annoying dialogue and half annoying singing, it barely counts as a song. I hate how it JUST. KEEPS. GOING. I hate that it's almost TWICE as long as most other songs in the franchise!

I REALLY hate the browbeating. How the kids are basically forced to conform and party the way the Yellow-Bellies want them to. Especially the blatant lack of respect for Cera's personal space throughout. Seriously, why the hell did they write the scene with the guy who sounds like Yakko like he's harassing her at a bar?! I hate how they wanted this to be the catchy centerpiece of the film that kids would sing and emulate, despite what a bad message it is to browbeat people into partying if they don't want to! I hate that this movie, which has the GALL to preach good morals and life lessons, has SUCH A BAD MESSAGE central to the main song which is central to the film!!

Remember kids: "stay in a group", "keep eyes and ears open", "be home before dark", "plan ahead", and "bully people who don't conform"!

I hate how annoying ALL the Yellow-Bellies are. All of them, they're all loud, obnoxious, stupid, their designs horribly clash with the setting, they're bouncing fat jokes, they're prehistorically inaccurate, and they're OBVIOUSLY MADE JUST TO BE SQUEAKY-TOYS FOR MERCHANDISE! Foobie's the only one who's less annoying because he doesn't talk, but he still sucks (and I caught that "Foobie" cheer, the movie still thinks it's going to be a twist when he's revealed as the Wise One).

I hate everything about this. There's nothing I like. This song gets a 1/10.

The raucous sound of the party wakes up the Baryonyx leader (impressive, considering the party is quite a ways away from that canyon...) who pushes out of the rock pile. So the party isn't just stupid and horrible, it's actively detrimental. It would have been better if the party hadn't happened. Also, both times the Baryonyx have been alerted to our position by the Yellow-Bellies being loud idiots.

Later, everyone's asleep and all the Yellow-Bellies are snoring with REALLY ANNOYING squeaking sounds. I'm sorry I keep bringing it up, but I need to emphasize to you how the Yellow-Bellies are CONSTANTLY making really annoying noises in the background. Littlefoot wakes up Cera to tell her that he's going to help lead them to Berry Valley. Cera complains, but Littlefoot points out they didn't see any "Wise One" in the whole group (they're really dragging out the reveal that it's Foobie).

Littlefoot: "We already had to save them from Sharpteeth once. I just don't think they stand a chance. I'm going with 'em!"

Cera: "You- Hey, y'know Littlefoot, the Yellow-Bellies got along just fine before they met us."

Littlefoot: "Maybe they were just lucky. And luck can run out, but Wisdoms can keep you safe."

Cera: *sigh* "There's one more Wisdom you should know. DON'T EVER WAKE ME UP AGAIN!!"

Cera spends this whole movie being right, but everyone's a jerk to her because she's being a grouch about it.

In the Great Valley, Grandma's standing alone when she declares, apropos of nothing, that she's worried now. A weird amount of Grandma focus here. I wonder if they're making up for last movie, where she had no dialogue at all.

The next morning, the herd of Yellow-Bellies is on the move and they're ALL MAKING LOUD AND ANNOYING SQUEAKING SOUNDS! Littlefoot stands in front of them, alone and intimidated.

He looks back and no-one's behind him. He looks forward and is disheartened by the number of them and how none of them are paying attention to him. He's taken on too big of a task, leading a huge group like this by himself.

Cera: "You really think we can lead this herd of goofballs to Berry Valley?" *she and the rest of The Gang walk up*

Littlefoot: "You mean... you're with me?"

Cera: "Aw, you'd be lost without us!"

Petrie: "Yeah! Besides, me no wanna be the one who 'splains to grown-ups why you no come back with us!"

Ducky: "It would not be pretty, no no no!"

Littlefoot turns to address the Yellow-Bellies, but they're too loud and annoying to yell over. Cera screams and that gets their attention! They all (except Foobie) bury their heads in the sand. Cera tells Littlefoot to give them a Wisdom. But he doesn't know if they'll hear him with their heads in the sand. Foobie buries his head and makes a squeal underground that they hear, making all of them pop their heads up. Cera tells Littlefoot to give them a Wisdom (they re-use THE EXACT SAME RECORDING of her line! We're reaching levels of laziness unseen before!)

Kuttkefiit (huh, so that's what happens if I mistype "Littlefoot" with my right hand a little to the left) tells them to stay in a group and follow him. And then, Littlefoot leading, they just kind of wander off, with no clear direction for where Berry Valley is. The Sharpteeth pack follow behind. While walking, some of them deviate from the trail, but Petrie and Ducky herd them back in line like cowboys.

Then we cut to Grandma, Grandpa, Topsy, Ducky's mom, and Petrie's mom following their tracks (I guess this is happening now!) over the Great Wall and into the Mysterious Beyond.

The Yellow-Belly herd keeps trudging on under the hot sun, getting tired.

Cera: "Do you have any idea where you're going?"

Littlefoot: "Sssssort of. See, I've never heard of "Berry Valley" before, so it's gonna be someplace I've never been, right?"

Cera: "Yyyyyeeeeeeaaaah..."

Littlefoot: "Sssso, I'm going in directions I've never gone before! I'm bound to hit it sooner or later! Makes sense?"

Cera: "Mmmmaybe to some folks."

Loofah: "Makes sense to me!"

Littlefoot (aside): "Mmmm. Is that good or bad?"

Cera: "Do you have to ask?"

I guess the idea is they've been to the Mysterious Beyond so many times that he has an incomplete map of it in his head? Also, why are they dragging out the first syllable?

Loofah asks if there's any water, and Littlefoot says they'll find some eventually. Loofah runs forward and falls off a cliff (YES)! He's okay, he fell in a pool (NO)! Littlefoot calls back to tell the rest and he's bowled over by the stampede of Yellow-Bellies. They all relax in the water and Loofah credits Littlefoot to the discovery of this watering hole.

Later, they're walking through a field of grass and dandelions.

Littlefoot (to Loofah): "So how did I do it?"

Loofah: "Do what?"

Littlefoot: "Find the water."

Loofah: "Same way you'll find Berry Valley! Same way we do just about eveythang. We just... feel it."

Littlefoot: "But it doesn't make sense. If you just feel it, then you never think about it, so how can you be sure you're following the Wisdoms?"

Loofah: "Ugh, now you're thinking like a Longneck again!"

Littlefoot: "Okay, forget I said that..."

This fuckin' anti-intellectualist bullshit... ugh. Not a fan. And I mentioned this at the top, but it bears repeating: Littlefoot's voice actor sucks. I can tell when it changes, which is constantly, and he sounds WAY too young and immature.

Foobie smells something and points forward while making excited noises, and the rest get excited and charge forward in another stampede! Ducky has to dodge and weave to avoid getting stepped on! Littlefoot asks Loofah what's going on, and he says they found Berry Valley!

Finally, this dumb-ass journey is over!

No, it isn't. It's just a few berry bushes.

Also, there's a compositing error in this shot where a Yellow-Belly runs underneath Littlefoot.

The Yellow-Bellies crowd around the bushes and eat. The kids are hungry and want to eat too, but they can't push through the solid wall of squeaky-toy butts. Cera yells at them to move, but they just ignore her. They eventually dissipate, having completely skeletonized the bushes, with no berries or leaves left for the kids.

Seems very rude and selfish of them.

The Yellow-Bellies take a midday group nap, and Littlefoot's bothered by something. Cera asks what's wrong.

Littlefoot: "I thought I could teach 'em our Wisdoms. But instead, I'm starting to think like a Yellow-Belly. Ugh, I'm all mixed up! Maybe they don't really need us at all."

Yup, this whole adventure was a total waste of time, you should have stayed home and my life would've been a lot less annoying. This leads into song 3 of the movie: How Do You Know?

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This song isn't good, either. It's not as offensively bad as the other two, but still not good. The central question of the song isn't really relevant to the question at hand, which was more about Littlefoot questioning his own leadership and wisdom, not about Littlefoot questioning who he should listen to. And the final outcome just being "trust your gut and your brain and your instincts" is a pretty weak takeaway.

Especially since Petrie's mom spent most of last movie telling him to fly with the rest and not trust his instincts, it's rich to have him say this is a lesson she always tells him. The idea of other people's perspectives being unique is a decent one, though we've heard it many times before. And the music is weirdly loud, the sound mixing is off.

After the song, a huge thunderstorm starts rolling in out of nowhere! The Yellow-Bellies all wake up and start panicking, running back and forth. Loofah asks Littlefoot what to do, and he says to get to high ground (that would be good advice if it was raining, but it's not, there's just lightning). Littlefoot also tasks Foobie with rounding them up (has he finally realized that Foobie is the Wise One?).

Littlefoot leads the group up a mountain pass, single-file. The kids in front and then the Yellow-Bellies in a row behind them. Littlefoot sees some lightning and second-guesses himself, since rain might wash them down the mountain. He's freaking about about Wisdoms and Cera tells him to do what the Yellow-Bellies do and "feel it" (really? the takeaway is really that the Yellow-Belly's instinct-only lifestyle is CORRECT?!). Then it starts raining.

Littlefoot decides to keep going, they're near the top and might be able to rest there.

For some reason, Ducky, the Swimmer, is really bothered by the rain. She covers her head and squints her eyes, and walks straight forward instead of turning, almost falling off the edge! Petrie flies over to grab her and pull her back up, then he reminds her to "keep eyes and ears open". What a bizarre character choice for the scene, why would Ducky be bothered by water?

She doesn't even listen, she just climbs on top of Spike then goes back to shutting her eyes. Like, girl. You swim underwater all the time! Real-life hadrosaurs didn't, but they do all the time in this franchise!

Eventually, they reach a fork in the path. Littlefoot doesn't think about it, he just trusts his instincts and goes left. Doofah gets distracted licking up rain, and wanders right. At the top of the left path, there's a huge rocky overhang they can take shelter in.

I swear, if the climax of this movie is rescuing Doofah from her own stupidity, I'm gonna be so mad.

They reach the overhang and crowd under it, Ducky and Petrie get squished by the huge pile of Yellow-Bellies and then there's a fart joke. Hilarious. The Yellow-Bellies laugh uproariously at it, but I agree with Petrie that it's not funny.

But it's not just any fart joke! I shit you not, they play the "fart with reverb" meme sound effect, sans reverb. This exact one:

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This movie came out in 2007! This sound effect only became a meme in the last few years, how the hell is it in here?! Was this a pre-existing stock fart sound effect for years before the internet discovered it? Or, even worse, is this movie the ORIGIN of this specific sound effect?

See, this is what this movie is doing to me, I'd rather be researching the origins of a fucking fart sound effect than watching this piece of garbage.

Whatever, back to the film.

Nevermind, the animators fuck up and accidentally include Doofah in the crowd shot, even though she's not supposed to be here.

She's like, right there. Right next to Loofah, right in the middle in the front.

After pouring down for a bit (really not THAT long), the rain stops and the clouds clear and a sunbeam shines down. When Littlefoot announces it, they almost get run over by the stampede of Yellow-Bellies, again. Ducky and Petrie are embedded in the wall, with their beaks stuck. They pull themselves out.

It's at this point that Cera realizes Doofah is missing (what do you mean? she was just here in the group!) and asks where she is. None of them know, but then they hear her humming in the distance, and head down the mountain trail to find her.

Wait, what? The whole trek up here, flat rocky area, and overhang was POINTLESS?!?! I thought for sure this would be where Berry Valley is!

They head back down the trail and take the right side in the fork, then they reach Doofah, who is... wandering in circles, humming to herself so loud that it causes the mudslide, breaking the path and cutting her off from the rest over a gap. Littlefoot scolds her for not staying in a group, which she thinks sounds fun, and then he tells her to jump. She hops in place on one leg, not even realizing the potential danger (just let her die, she deserves to win a Darwin Award). Right before the mudslide spreads and hits her, he tells her to jump and she does a ballerina leap across, but doesn't make it and Foobie has to catch her!

No, none of you help, Foobie and the children have clearly got this. With much effort, they pull Doofah up. And then the Yellow-Bellies cheer and unfittingly epic triumphant music plays like this wasn't a complete waste of time.

Cera: "Way to 'feel it'!"

I'm so mad.

As they walk back, Doofah finally gets what "stay in a group" means, using the Sharpteeth in front of them as an example. Oh hey, the Sharpteeth caught up! The Gang run for their lives backward, and apparently they walked WAY further back than I thought, since they go left at the fork.

At the plateau, both groups split up and run around, it's chaos! Cera notices Doofah being chased down and she runs up to headbutt the Sharptooth from behind in the leg, which makes it trip over Doofah!

Cera cites the Wisdom of "bump 'em with your horn".

Ducky and Petrie run from another Sharptooth and cite the Wisdom of keeping eyes and ears open. Ducky jumps over a rock which the Sharptooth trips over!

The scarred Sharptooth corners Littlefoot against a ledge, but he escapes by... just running between its legs. He doesn't even do anything tricky. They both just stand there for like three seconds, then Littlefoot runs forward between its legs and it does nothing to stop him. The Sharpteeth and Yellow-Bellies both regroup and as the Sharpteeth approach, Loofah asks Littlefoot what the Wisdoms say!

Littlefoot notes that the ground is too hard to bury your head in, then he asks Foobie what they should do. Foobie yells at the Sharpteeth, making them back up. Littlefoot agrees and tells everyone to "sing", and they all scream at the Sharpteeth, hurting their ears and making them back up. Then Littlefoot tells them to "dance" and they all bounce up and down on the ground, making more noise and intimidating the Sharpteeth even more, pushing them up against the cliff. The Yellow-Bellies bounce forward menacingly, still screaming, until the wet ground breaks and the cliff falls with the 4 Sharpteeth on it!

This is easily the stupidest Sharptooth defeat so far in the franchise, and I'm including 8, 11, 12, and their earlier defeat in that. And again, BEIPAIOSAURUS HAD MASSIVE CLAWS! THEY SHOULDN'T BE WINNING FIGHTS BY SCREAMING AND BOUNCING!

Littlefoot (looking down): "What d'you know, they're still in a group!"

What a terrible one-liner. The Yellow-Bellies laugh at it, but they're easy to amuse. Loofah asks Littlefoot where to go next, but before Littlefoot can respond, Foobie smells something and freaks out, pointing frantically. They run over and look down off a ledge to see...

Berry Valley! (FINALLY! Also, I called it!)

Littlefoot: "Great job, Foobie! You found it!"

Foobie: "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm!"

Doofah (flatly): "That's why they call him the Wise One."

Duh. The movie had WAY more than enough foreshadowing for this "twist", I caught on almost instantly. The Gang, however, are stunned.

Littlefoot (aside): "He's the 'Wise One'?!"

Cera: "Guess so!"

Loofah credits Littlefoot for helping find the Valley, since he brought them here. Ducky just wants to go home.

The Gang and Yellow-Bellies wave good-bye to each other (Doofah says they're beautiful), and Ducky apparently missed the entire message of the movie.

Ducky: "Do you think they will make it okay? They still do not have any Wisdoms."

Littlefoot: "Actually, Ducky, they always did! And now, they've got ours, too. You know, I think it takes a little bit of both."

Cera: "I can't believe it, a Longneck just learned something!"

Littlefoot: "Yyyyeah, I just wish I knew how to get back to the Great Valley."

Cera: "We'll find it, we always do."

These two lines from Cera are among the few lines in this movie that bring me any amount of joy, since they're decent continuity nods.

The Gang walk back through a forest, not a way they came from, but taking a shortcut. Suddenly, they hear some thudding noises, see some huge menacing shadows flash between the trees, and...!

It's just their guardians (wait, how? they JUST said this is a different path, and the guardians were following their tracks).

Also, I guess Tria joined them at some point? And Petrie's mom is off-screen? Either that, or the animators fucked up and swapped Petrie's mom with Tria. Which. Would be a CRAZY mix-up to make.

The kids are happy to see them, and though "how they got here" is a long story, the kids are proud of how they followed the Wisdoms, even listing them off.

Grandma: "But you forgot the most important Wisdom: stay in the Great Valley."

Ducky: *shrug* "...we have trouble with that one, yup yup yup."

They walk home as the narrator chimes in that the young dinosaurs learned from this journey that Wisdom comes in different forms.

To no-one's surprise, the end credits song is an instrumental version of Yellow Belly Bounce.

Yeah, this fucking sucks. They were right, this is easily the worst Land Before Time movie. The Gang were out-of-character, the songs ranged from below-average to atrocious, and the FUCKING Yellow-Bellies hogged SO MUCH of the film's screentime.

Like, Guido was a major character in 12, and I hated him, but he wasn't literally the entire focal point of the movie. Petrie carried the main plot while Cera had her own subplot, and while Guido was heavily involved in Petrie's plot, Petrie was the main character of it. But this movie was so goddamn simple. There were NO subplots, no depth. Unless you count the guardians searching for them, but they didn't even matter to the story. This movie has one central plot involving the Yellow-Bellies, and that's the entire plot and nothing else matters. At least 11 had the step-mom subplot, 13 has NOTHING.

If you hate the Yellow-Bellies, and it's REALLY HARD not to when they're meant to be annoying, than there's nothing really to like in this movie. The writers expected the Yellow-Bellies to carry the film, and they really misjudged how ear-bleedingly infuriating they and their FUCKING SQUEAKING was gonna be. What an absolute stain on the resumes of the guest-star voice actors playing them. Also, Guido at least had some okay moments mixed in with all the terrible. The Yellow-Bellies didn't. There was not ONE POINT in the WHOLE MOVIE where I liked ANY of them.

Foobie has the dubious honor of being the Yellow-Belly I hated the least by virtue of being a lot quieter and not being a fucking idiot, but I still disliked him. Loofah sometimes feels like he's patronizing Littlefoot, just being nice because he's a kid, but sometimes he's obviously and genuinely looking to Littlefoot for leadership and the whole thing is very jarring and confusing. To contrast Foobie as "the wise one" and Loofah as "the chill one", Doofah had to be "the quirky one", which meant she had the misfortune of being a female character who was EVEN STUPIDER and MORE ANNOYING than the others!

Also, the whole "Grandma dying" thing went absolutely nowhere. It only existed to facilitate Littlefoot's personality shift into being a rule-following know-it-all, and then was never addressed again. Despite there being a nighttime scene in the middle where it could have come up again in another nightmare, it didn't. We didn't even get a moment calling back to the fallen tree over the ravine, unless you count Doofah with the mudslide, but that was pretty different. And Grandpa got no dialogue in this movie, I guess to mirror Grandma not getting any dialogue last movie.

I guess, if I have to give the film some credit for something, it properly foreshadowed the "Wise One Foobie" twist and also the whole "bouncing and screaming" thing being the Yellow-Belly's unique way of fighting. Except the former was way over-foreshadowed to the point it was painfully obvious, and the latter was among the stupidest things I'd ever seen in my life. They didn't even bring back the head-burying thing and that they can communicate underground.

I guess 13 did bring the racism theme back after 12 ignored it entirely, but "The Gang is disrespectful to another people's culture out of ignorance" is a plot point copied from 9, which copied it from 5. And, if anything, the Yellow-Bellies are JUST as disrespectful to outsiders, especially in their big song. And it's hard to respect them when they really are too stupid to live at multiple points. Literally ALL of the drama in this movie comes from the Yellow-Bellies being so stupid that it causes problems. Even the Sharpteeth wouldn't have found them if Loofah hadn't yelled and alerted them.

The message of "The Wisdoms" makes the movie feel SO preachy, it feels like an after-school special. Like a movie-length version of Sonic Sez or those cartoon crossover anti-drug PSAs. And then the film has the AUDACITY to include a PRO-BULLYING message RIGHT in the dead center of the film, during the big bonus-length centerpiece song! Genuinely, how DARE it!!

Pros: I related to Cera, Petrie, and Ducky throughout the first half, in that I also did not want to be here.

Cons: Atrocious side characters. Shallow plot. Terrible songs, including The Worst Song. Overly preachy about good morals, while also having a bad message. Abysmal writing. Worst Sharptooth "fights" yet. Terrible prehistorical inaccuracies. The anti-intellectualism makes me blood boil. Littlefoot's three voices were all bad. Terrible animation and some glaring animation errors. Fat jokes.

Score: 1/10. There is nothing good about this film. Nothing I enjoyed enough to be worth a full point. This was miserable, and I hated every minute.

The Land Before Time: 8/10 (hypothetical uncut version: 9/10)

The Great Valley Adventure: 8/10

The Time of the Great Giving: 7/10

Journey Through The Mists: 7/10

The Mysterious Island: 9/10

The Secret of Saurus Rock: 2/10

The Stone of Cold Fire: 10/10

The Big Freeze: 6/10

Journey To Big Water: 4/10

The Great Longneck Migration: 9/10

Invasion of the Tinysauruses: 2/10

The Great Day of the Flyers: 3/10

The Wisdom of Friends: 1/10

Don't forget to keep an eye out for the TV show poll tomorrow!

#the land before time #PMC watches TLBT #the land before time xiii: the wisdom of friends #land before time

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