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[psych-nightmare]

Dr Satish 2nd appt (psychiatrist)

Last two things (scared me) – “flee” that was already in my mind no issue. The song was just a brief thing and didn’t end in relapse

I’m more prone to Psychosis than others – relationship stress, job loss, financial loss – these stresses would trigger

But I don't have a major psychotic disorder

Concussion was a contributor to the Psychosis

Any nightmares about past things or the accident call him or shaking heart beat

No illicit drugs!

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Risk factors & early warning signs!

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21/6/22 SCARED UR GOING CRAZY?

While people may feel as though they are going crazy, they are truly just experiencing a reaction to the surge of adrenaline (that occurs during anxiety and panic), and the activation of your fight or flight system. Those that struggle with feelings of psychosis as a result of anxiety on a consistent basis often feel powerless against these episodes, which contributes to further anxiety. But once the anxiety calms down, the symptoms tend to go away.

So, while anxiety may cause a person to feel as though he or she is "going crazy," it is important to note that overwhelming anxiety is not the same as a true psychotic episode.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Many of those with severe PTSD have symptoms that make them feel like they're going crazy. Some with PTSD have vivid flashbacks, some have paranoia, and some even suffer from auditory and visual hallucinations.

While these absolutely fall under the heading of psychosis, they're still a hallmark of an anxiety disorder. In most cases, a psychologist treats the anxiety directly. You're not going crazy if you suffer from PTSD. It's simply a reaction to the anxiety you experienced as a result of your trauma, and what happens when your entire body is on high alert.

anxiety causes a lot of different emotions, and the feeling of going crazy is one of them. Many of those suffering from intense anxiety have this feeling of going crazy that comes from the extremely high emotions, a rush of adrenaline and stress, and the overwhelming feeling of losing control. It's a natural response to severe anxiety.

HELPING URSELF

Unlike regular daily anxiety and stress, the feeling going crazy comes from losing control. Once you feel you've lost that control, you may simply need to wait it out. Often during anxiety attacks, your sense of self will come back to you, and you can start addressing the issues that are causing you to feel like you're losing control. There are some solutions you can try now, including:

Learn More About Anxiety Symptoms - For many with anxiety, the feeling of going crazy comes from not understanding what's going on, and how something like anxiety can be causing these incredibly powerful feelings. You need to research what is causing your symptoms so that you better understand them, that way you no longer feel like you're losing control. For example, many of the physical symptoms of panic attacks come from hyperventilation. The more you understand hyperventilation, the more you'll be able to control the way you feel when you start to hyperventilate. Knowledge has a great deal of power on how much anxiety overwhelms you.

Reality Reminder - When that feeling of going crazy is over, take some time to remind yourself that you're still grounded in reality. Call a friend, see a movie, watch your favorite show on TV - do things that you couldn't do if you were really breaking from reality. Many people choose to sit there and think about the anxiety they just experience, but getting back into what life is like is a better tool for gaining control over the way you feel.

Supplements and Anxiety Drugs - Generally, anxiety medications are not recommended, and even herbal supplements have their setbacks. But if your anxiety is so profound that you feel as though the world is crashing down around you, it may be time to consider these options. Talk to you doctor about some safe, low dose treatments, or research herbal supplements like kava and passionflower to see if they're right for you.

Therapy and Support Groups - Seeking some type of long term treatment method can also be useful if you can afford it, and doing so right away may help you ease you into the idea of treating your anxiety. Support groups are also a good place to start. Find others that have dealt with severe anxiety (online or offline) and you'll be able to remind yourself that others experience the same thing as you do - and overcome it.

Exercise - Exercise is an important tool for combatting anxiety. It has a bit less of an effect on feelings of psychosis, but it can reduce anxiety severity which should decrease any feelings as though you're going crazy.

You’re not going crazy. Losing touch with reality is not something people typically know is occurring. But anxiety can be severe, and cause symptoms – depending on the type of anxiety – that can make it feel like one is losing control.

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/going-crazy

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What causes psychosis? (a TREATABLE condition!)

Scientific research hasn’t been able to completely explain how psychosis develops. The most widely accepted explanation is the ‘stress–vulnerability’ model. This model suggests that a combination of biological and psychosocial (relating to the interrelation of social factors and individual thought and behaviour) factors in early development can increase a young person’s ‘vulnerability’ to experiencing symptoms of psychosis. 

Symptoms are triggered in response to ‘stress’, such as:

1. traumatic experiences, (perhaps physical and emotional)

2. substance use, or 

3. social changes in vulnerable individuals. 

Some factors may be more or less important in different individuals. The important thing to remember is that there’s no single cause of psychosis, and the factors involved will be different for all people. 

Looking at what contributed to a person developing an episode of psychosis plays a big role in planning and supporting a person’s recovery.

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16/6/22

HI SAMANTHA, YOU’VE BEEN THRU SOME SHIT AND IMMA HELP U UNDERSTAND HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE P WORDS FROM HAPPENING! I DON’T BELIEVE THEY WILL HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE, BUT BEING WELL INFORMED DOESN’T HURT :-)

LOVE FROM,

YOURS TRULY,

THE REAL OG,

THE PERSON ALWAYS GOT UR BACK,

ME haha

(p.s. this talking to urself doesn’t make u p word, remember liz the author of eat pray love also did this and she’s ur personality type but extroverted)

p.s. i love you

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i also saw some psychologist at (soft toy animal) cottage. i got her number and i texted her thinking she was O cause i googled her number and some clay pots came up saying “beautifully created”. her name was also some preacher person.

i was watching some preacher person and they were called ‘bishop jordan’ who i thought was O.

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no 2 reflections

I thought O was outside the ‘witches’ house with a monitor in his ear, weaing a suit.

I thought I went to his place when it was all the Chinese people and the guy who prayed for us. I thought he was too shy to come down the stairs to say hi. I thought David, Mary’s husband was filming/recording so O could see. 

When that guy who prayed for me asked me to forgive everyone, I forgave O and I started coughing up some black/brown stuff. Pretty gross.

After we left that persons place we went to Olympic park. I thought I was going to my marriage w O. How ridiculous, looking back.

Once, I walked around the block 3 times and thought I heard God say if I did and pray for what I wanted I would have it. I prayed in tongues and thought some kids were following me, saying to their parents “we want to follow the teacher”. I stopped outside of Ron’s house and spat in the dirt and played with the mud with a stick (thinking of what Jesus did in the sand by drawing).

Easter day - Another time I skated to D (suburb) beach. I prayed by the lake there. I walked through the back there where the sand dunes were and I prayed in tongues. It felt like I was an Aboriginal person, before the settlement, speaking in their tongues. I was also walking funny like a horse or something. After a lot of prayer, worship and time spent in the word, I gathered up some courage. I said to one random couple “beautiful day the Lord has made”. I then started chatting with a lady who lived out of her van. She was in her 40s and was obviously a bit of a hippie, and “searching”. I gave her a word about feeling like she was searching for answers and told her that Jesus is the way, truth and life and shared some of my testimony with her. She was really touched and I prayed with/for her. I downloaded the bible app on her phone and told her to start reading. She said she felt like she was met by an angel. If this episode was just for her salvation, it would be worth it. Lord, I pray that she would have salvation and that your Holy Spirit will bring her to you. After that I went to some old man’s van where we watched the football game a bit and he gave me water. It could have been a dangerous situation, looking back. It is true that people with schizophrenia are more likely to be victims than perpetrators. 

I was watching a lot of Steve Harvey at the time and I thought him and his crew were at/around my house. I thought they were setting me up with O. I was watching my friend’s instagram stories and somehow came to the conclusion that there was some party w O that i was supposed to go to. I thought steve’s video was talking to me - “put on something nice and go out” so i did. I put on my white mini skirt and white crop top and snuck outside. I went through the downstairs laundry and over the fence. I then waited outside my front yard for a bit, thinking steve or someone would come pick me up. I was shy, thinking i’d meet O. I then walked up the street and ended up in W + Tr yard. I heard some noises like a snake or cricket that i thought O was making the noises and hiding from me. I ended up chasing what i thought was him around and around the garden. I ended up in the back of their place. “The man cave” was where i thought O was hanging out. I thought Josiah, Leroy and a bunch of people were hiding inside, being really quiet and that i was supposed to find them. i kept knocking on the door, making beats, dancing and doing stretches like a back arch thing. I also started playing my “Jesus rap” from my phone and full on dancing/praying in tongues. I felt like i was like letting go of my ex (ST) spirit or something. It was so strange. I was like doing really primitive/tribal dances and felt like my steam be smoke that was rising. I ended up kneeling down at the door of the man cave with my hand on the bricks of the house praying “bless this man” thinking i was blessing/praying for O. I then wiped the sweat from my back and drew a cross on a bull’s skull thinking that Christ would resurrect dead things. I also thought that all the landscaping stuff was what O had prepared for me. I saw in the window of the man cave “things identified are of value” with lots of little things made inside, which again, I thought O had made for me. Then, the cops came. “Why are you here?” “Have you had anything to drink or any drugs tonight?” I answered shyly and shocked, with Tr on the balcony “they know me, they’re my neighbours”, “why are you here?” they asked, “it felt safe” i replied. They then asked me for my details and when they asked for my phone number I thought they were going to give it to O or they were flirting with me. There were two men. They insisted on walking me home. I said I could do it myself and that i just lived down the street a bit. They then spoke to dad and mum. i was so scared that i was in trouble that i went to downstairs big bed and curled up. Mum was really sweet and assured me that i was not in any trouble at all.

The next few days i noticed bruises on my biceps. i thought someone, O, had forcibly held me down. I remembered a strange memory that i thought had happened. I thought I had let O in that night and that he slept on the right hand side of me. I thought i had touched his upper body and his head rolled back and that he pounced on me and had sex w me hence the bruises. (i later got a pee test for pregnancy/stds). I watched some weird sermon that confused me further. it was saying some bible story in which a husband had to consummate the marriage by force and i thought that was what had happened. After the sex, i thought i was saying to O, it was all written long ago and i saw a scroll. i told him how we should’ve been married by Oct 21 last year (2018) so we could just have sex or whatever. I thought we were already spiritually married from that date.

I thought O lived downstairs, in the spare room and mum had made him promise not to see me and just to look after me. I remember looking downstairs a few times in the middle of the night, trying to find him. I thought our body clocks had synced up as i woke up in the early morning. I thought he was lying to the right of me in my single bed and i was stroking his abs (which was actually my mattress, lol). but he had to go to work early and i’d always miss him. I was getting frustrated that i never saw him. i’d miss him in the morning and i’d get ready early in the afternoon for him to come and take me to the movies or watch netflix with me in the living room. i asked dad if he could come over for dinner. i texted my friends (CB and JG) as though they were him and ended up in an awkward situation with a guy called Branden who i thought was O. My high school friend, CB, became concerned and confused as he started contacting her. 

I thought O was at Lreef (suburb), wanting to see me. One night after bugger all sleep mum and i went to maccas. i remember a grey van in front of us wave their 4 hands out at the same time, thinking that was O and his friends. when we were driving my stomach hurt a lot when we went over bumps. It felt so uncomfortable. After, we drove past suburb C where gma lives (i thought i heard people saying it was my wedding or something) and then to LR (suburb) where i was texting O (who was actually Bran lol) asking him not to be shy and come to see me. I thought i saw him come out of a van with a beard and boner. i thought he had been living on the beach. i walked to the toilet and thought he followed me. but he didnt. i told him to come to the car to speak to me. he didn’t come. 

Once, we were driving and the car in front of me was letting out feathers. Another time, i was driving past that field on the corner of Cro (suburb). and there was what looked like a veil go past the road.

Once we went to D (suburb) for a swim in the pool. We drove past the main part/street and i saw my grandma sitting on a chair w her head on her hand, looking hopeful. I did some laps in the pool, thinking O was watching/too scared/shy to say hi. i did some weird things like touch the numbers to make some sign like the song ‘countdown’ by Beyonce about “i’m tryna make a 3 from the 2 still the 1′ on the lane numbers.

We put curtains up in my room. felt like i was being strangled by them. 

Once i wasn’t wearing a bra when sleeping. i thought dad came in and was trying to touch my face but accidentally touched my boob.s

really strange, thought my class came to my place and were standing outside my room. i told the girls to come in. i thought ishak was in my bed w a few other girls and i was showing them random stuff from the word? i think. and i was colouring and rapping random things. so strange, i know.

Downstairs, I was dancing/worshipping thinking that my phone camera was recording me and broadcasting me to a large church and i was like prophesying over people. i did this a few times, splashing coconut water around the mirror.

Mum and i walked at (colour) Hill. i thought i heard guys in the bushes. thought O was there saying things to me.

my aunty told me some story about someone - i thought it was about everyone - all my cousins and stuff at her place/my place and O stepped over Chloe w filth on him. i thought O and i had done sexual stuff and he was lying “like an african in his filth” - her words i thought.

mum and i went around near my fav lil beach - secluded i went there w my mums side cousins (suburb). i saw some massive house for sale and thought O and i had been out there cause of a music video i had seen. we saw some guy fishing and i said to mum “it’s time for me to catch my big fish”. at that wharf, some people got picked up by a boat and the guy who was driving the boat said “i have to make sure i get the right people”. i thought they were being taken to my wedding lol. i got annoyed w mum cause she didn’t bring her phone and couldn’t contact O who i thought she could contact for some reason.

i was praying heaps for some people to come and pray for me. I said to mum “the disciples are coming. u have to make sure u let them in”. I thought people were taking it in turns to pray for me outside my house in a van. I thought J (guy i used to like in HS) and J + J (youth pastors at ML) were taking it in turns there.

I also was playing music and i was like “i wish someone would play with me”. I thought O’s sisters were close - in the garage and going to come and play in a band w me.

at N. lake mum and i were sitting there. i thought O was behind me, too scared to make a move (bc i thought i would get engaged at the lake). I felt him have his hand on my back thru the chair, praying for me). and his friends encouraging him to see me. I thought i saw mila upstairs in a restaurant looking down judging me. she looked so evil. i was dancing there, “crushing satan under my feet”.

I once snuck out thinking O would find me and take me to BH (suburb) maccas. I was reading something in the word and got super excited and wanted to share it. i ended up walking to my aunties, thinking O may be there. i did it for “all the lost souls who had to take that path”. I thought O was outside saying “you made me so worried, you know”. I had some water at mindas and thought about turning it to wine lol. 

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no. 2...

I thought O was outside my place waiting to see me... One night I thought I heard a crowd and heard them say “all her signs point to u” and he went “ok ok i’ll go. what about her boobs though?” 

I thought my neighbours were talking to me asking how to get salvation.  I thought my phone and car and house were bugged/being monitored. 

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i thought i was the answer to stop WW3

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i thought ppl were reading my mind

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I wanted to go to the police to feel safe. I thought people were trying to kill me

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I was so fucking trapped in that shithole prison. I tried a couple of times to get out by faking I was having a heart attack but really it was an anxiety attack. It was so fucked. That place was so fucked. I just wanted to get the hell out of that place

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I felt like i was being held hostage there. At one point I came out and crossed my arms & looked into the glass place where all the staff were. They all became frantic, running around w paperwork. On the tv was antiques roadshow and they were bargaining/auctioning off something. i felt like they were bargaining for my release. I thought it was dad/you. it was about $70,000. A nurse later asked me if i knew what happened and i said yes.

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HS: Yes, child. I am working all these things for your good. You don’t understand now what I’m doing but you will soon. You have an advantage over others. You have extra insight, empathy and mercy. I’m moulding you into who i created you to be

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I thought the police had bugged our car’s radio system. I thought all the music was directed at me. I wanted to speak to the police to tell them about the gang stuff happening in the ward. I didn’t feel a bit safe.

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I went to the park w mum & dad & i thought everyone was talking about me. There were 2 middle aged guys on a park bench saying “it’s the shorts”, “her dad has been so stressed” etc.

There were boys playing soccer. I heard one say “I see it as it’s how u look at things. You have to adapt”