pseudoclarice

[pseudoclarice]

Finding community away from home: a practical guide to my friend Memel

Querida amiga,

Você sempre foi a pessoa com listas de recomendações, de bares, galerias, museus, de contatos e de eventos. Você me apresentou a experiências inesquecíveis, como uma ação de graças em família no Texas, uma noite no Le bain, show do Saint Levant, barzinhos em Paris e até uma vó em Copacabana. O próprio computador que eu escrevo nesse exato momento foi você que me deu, junto ao casaco que eu visto. Me tornei um pedacinho de você, e hoje eu espero poder compartilhar com você um pouquinho da minha experiência vivida.

Você mais que ninguém sabe como foi para mim (e ainda é) difícil criar um lar. Você virou minha família longe de casa, em uma cidade onde o brilho dos faróis dos carros apagou o meu próprio - I can't compete against the 26 lanes of the freeway.

Mas na Espanha, voltei a viver. Senti amor, carinho e pertencimento, me tornei um tijolo parte da cidade. Acho muito especial que agora você respira esse ar, talvez com um sotaque mais valenciano que o de Madrid, mas ainda assim, vive em espanhol.

Conhecer gente (gente LEGAL) é um mega desafio, em outro país, em outra cultura, mais ainda. Mas o que basta é uma pessoa pra desencadear todas as outras, que aí sim vão trazer as experiências e a vida em comunidade.

Aqui estão minhas dicas para conhecer gente MANEIRA (less annoying exchange kids and more locals) e fazer coisas MANEIRAS, que estarão acontecendo nos próximos dias aí em Valencia!!!

Language Exchange Events!!!

Oportunidade perfeita pra conhecer gente local interessada em praticar idiomas (e você fala quase todos ne) e também outros viajantes/expats! Foi assim que eu fiz muitas amizades em Buenos Aires, e marcavamos de sair toda semana. Eram pessoas curiosas e realmente interessadas em aprender (tinha gente de todas idades, pode ter um subtom de sapecagem também rsrs). Assim seu espanhol vai ficar perfeito rapidinho!!!

Separei alguns legais pra você:

Language Exchange & dj rooftop party

Make Friends & Speak Language 🤙 Not a Regular Tuesday in Ruzafa @Bukowski

Language Exchange Casa Pueblo

2. Cultural Events!!!

Procura por coisas que você já gosta na lista de eventos da cidade, no instagram, no MeetUp, e so aparece! Separei alguns legais pra você:

Gaza Bienale (Palestinian artists exhibit)

Guided Gallery Visit + Tapas Experience

Festival de Filme Indie de Valencia

Book lovers open mic

3. Running CLUBS & Hiking groups!

Memel, você com seu pace 4min/km, precisa se juntar a um running club!! Busca por clubes no Strava perto de você, ou no próprio Meet Up, ou só taca no google Run Club Valencia. É um jeito super legal de conhecer outros universitários e gente aleatória. Eu fiz isso em Madrid e foi bem bacana!! No fim da corrida eles geralmente vão pra um barzinho e ficam de papo.

Social Run Club

Valencia Runner Club

Se você tá afim de fazer um passeio de natureza na area e não sabe quem chamar, se junta ao um grupo de trilha! Eu já quase fiz, e acho que vale super a pena (achei esse aqui em Valencia)

4. O mais importante::: approach people, say hi!!!

Acho que você é ótima nisso já, mas é sempre bom lembrar que as vezes a gente precisa ser caótico e só chegar se intrometendo na conversa dos outros <3

É isso amiga, acho que usando o Meet Up , o Strava e o instagram você vai conseguir encontrar lugares maneiros com pessoas mais maneiras ainda. Vai me atualizando <3<3

TE AMO MEMEL

[pseudoclarice]

Love Letter to Eric D - Santa Cruz, CA, July 2025

-Stenio, I'm going to write Eric a letter.

-A love letter?

-Yes, I think so. A love letter.

[pseudoclarice]

To my newest lifelong friend, Memel - Houston, TX, 06/2023

Thank you for making my life much more enjoyable, with a longer list of books to read, hard thoughts to digest, and silly things to do/be. And of course, adding a new sentence to my conversations:

"You need to meet Mel! She (insert here)!! Isn't she the coolest?"

a) just came back from a solo trip in Japan!

b) just presented at a fancy conference about her Buddhist project, in Las Vegas!

c) took a bartender course in New York for fun! (warning: she might have to prepare a drink right after)

d) has crazy speed reading skills and really cool annotated books!

e) doesn't go to Rice but it doesn't matter because she conquered everyone's hearts here!

f) started collecting fancy tea as a child!

g) might be wearing lingerie under her hoodie on a snowy day! (you'll never know)

h) speaks French, Portuguese, and English (and Spanish only for Josh)!

i) will always introduce people to a group while hyping them up by their accomplishments and passions

j) worked for Beto's campaign and can multitask a thousand design/manager jobs!

k) is an amazing driver and can go on the highway (even at night)!

l) has an insane eye for thrifting and an insanely great fashion sense!

m) is the rei do zap zap!

n) is the best concert partner in the wooorld

o) was/is an indie quirky alternative edgy book girl and preserves the best podcast/music/book recommendations 

p) always has ligma jokes in her pocket!

q) is a military baby and has a dad with high dance skills (and a sword)!

r) po acabou minha criatividadeeeee

Melzinha, eu não consigo imaginar onde eu estaria agora se você não tivesse me enviado aquela mensagem assim que voltou de viagem. Desde que nos reencontramos, eu já sabia que você ia ocupar um espação no meu coração e ia tornar parte das minhas conversas com meus pais, meus amigos e quem eu nem conheço ainda. Eu não tenho palavras pra agradecer todos os momentos que a gente viveu juntas nesse período de tempo tão curtinho, então fiz uma coleção, totalmente fora de ordem cronológica:

1) Tardezinha no Agora, tinha uma luz azul muito linda em você aí eu tirei essa foto - dia também que eu fiz um trauma dump louco e você me fez me sentir muito acolhida e saí dalí 100% melhor. Nesse dia percebi que você seria casa

2) Dia que fomos rolezar e inventamos de ir no bar da solange e você fez o parallel parking mais lindo já visto na história de houston em uma vaga que não podia estacionar, com as instruções de juliana que não tinha nem carteira. Fomos barradas pelo segurança porque a gata de 21 anos não tinha ID

3) Dia que conhecemos o Adam Sandler

4) "Da onde ta vindo essa água marrom" kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk logo após de vários assédios, do cara que falou que era pai da criança, homens aleatórios e bible women

5) Foto histórica, primeira aparição de Shane, O Australiano.

6) Melzinha linda bem Jorge Ben Jor

7) Dia que Miley Cyrus e Hannah Montana se acabaram de dançar no rodeio, comeram muito funnel cake e foram em brinquedos overpriced.

8) Amiga de verdade acompanha você até o portão de embarque #linda - nessa mesma semana você me ajudou com todaaa minha mudança, eu arranhei todo seu chão de madeira (tristeza e culpa profunda) e quase coloquei fogo na sua casa

TE AMO MEL FELIZ ANIVERSÁRIO OBRIGADA POR SER TUDO QUE VOCÊ É

Obrigada por todo carinho e cuidado que você tem comigo, por sempre estar do meu lado e fazer quentinhas de comida brasileira para eu levar pra faculdade. Você virou uma família pra mim nessa cidade tão cinza e estranha, trouxe muitas risadas, leveza e feijoada. De novo, não tenho palavras pra agradecer tudo que você é pra mim, e como eu te admiro!!

NÃO POSSO ESPERAR PARA VIVER MAIS MOMENTOS INCRÍVEIS COM VOCÊ, MOÇA!!

[pseudoclarice]

To my one and only, Bibi Breganni - Israel, Aug 2021

Attention! This is a love declaration! Repeating! This is a love declaration to my favorite human/European in the entire world. It is also a compilation of you eating things (mostly toasts and feet). 

Bibi,

You have made the two last years of my life unforgettable (the things we realize only after we leave EMIS lol).I don't know how to write something proper and cute because we're not really this kind of people, so I'm going to create a list of things you taught me from the great time we had together, ok? It might be in chronological order or not :)

1. You taught me how to take a bus in Israel (remember the first time we took it together? You actually got as safely to school before curfew, kinda impressive)

2. You taught me how to have a bad bitch attitude and literally give zero fucks when you're out of your comfort zone. I'll never forget you so confidently playing dumb with Tom's brother at his house, it was awesome!!! I've never seen anyone feeling so comfortable in their own shoes and just vibing. 

3. How to respect people with funny fetishes and talk openly about sexuality (back at home I'd cringe and shiver ewwww, but with you and Amit it was such a safe space to share experiences and learn. I absolutely loved it). Also the fact you call your mom to discuss these stuff is so impressive

4. How to stop shaming tiktok and embrace it - I had so much fun just watching tiktoks with you and your sister during Christmas while having the best Italian food ever. Thank you for that trip as well :)

5. You taught me that hot people have stomach issues and that's what makes us hot!! #Blessed Thank you for breaking taboos around hot people's health, you're a QUEEN

6. YOU DANCING WITH ME IN THE ART ROOM!! lowkey one of the best memories from school!!! Thank you for creating any atmosphere and vibing with me when we were sad and having crises

7. PASTA! Sofia if it weren't for you I'd have died with either starvation or food poisoning from the dining hall. Bless you for cooking the most delicious pesto/tomato pasta and being such a good date. The best part of my days were watching netflix with you while sharing a hot pot. I still have your great great fork with me and it still makes the food taste better YOU CUTEEEEEE

8. Bro we had a fridge business! THank you for jumping in with me in the craziest ideas - we're EMIS' most successful entrepreneurs up to this day (free pizza for one year, we made it.)Cheese toasts becoming progressively better but then just tasting like shit :( (who cares, the cheese was free)

9. WE SPEAKING SPANISH to avoid people getting our gossip. Great times. Also I love the words you came up with, like "beef" lol

10. Watching Youtube videos, especially the scary stories while the girl is drawing. The late night conversations we had were always the best, we could catch up on each other's day and just chill on your bed. I miss it so much!!!!!

Ok I don't know what to write anymore - for now. But Bibi, I admire you so much and I'm so thankful Ben assigned us to be in the same room. Nothing would have been the same if it wasn't for that decision.

I'm truly excited for this new phase in your life at Uni. Such a Milan girl!!! Can't wait to see your conversion into wearing a suit (to fit in with your classmates) and dating girls in the big city (because we know men suck). Please, if you ever stop spamming me with tiktoks I'll kill you.

See you in December/January, bitch!

Lots lots of love,

Bibi

Some additional pics of you being the best:

[pseudoclarice]

Hernia Pain to Vitinho - Macaé, BR, Aug 2021 (Revisited in 2025)

Esse texto foi escrito por uma versão de mim muito jovem e machucada, que pensava que tudo precisava ser dito, e acreditava nas melhores intenções do outro. Uma versão que queria explicação, que mendigava migalhas de afeto, que cedia chances, muitas chances, quantas precisassem até você mudar de ideia e me querer.

Vitinho foi meu primeiro amor. Eu amei ele desde 2019, quando tudo era novo e mágico, cada notificação desencadeava um sorriso automático e a praia do pecado tinha seu cheiro. Nesse mesmo ano, conheci a dor da traição, o medo de não ser o suficiente (surpresa: não era - e nunca vou ser), de não preencher o que você queria de alguém.

Obrigada Vitinho, por me fazer querer provar tanto que eu era suficiente, que eu me tornei muito mais do que a nossa imaginação de adolescente podia imaginar. Como ja dizia o mestre Cartola, deixou-me ir para me encontrar. Naquele mesmo ano, sai do Galeão com meu passaporte na mão. Fui para terras distantes, onde a voz dos profetas ecoam e as guerrilhas sintonizam. Estudei (em) inglês, me tornei parte do mundo, comemorei o natal nos alpes da Itália, aprendi o mapa de Jerusalém com os meus pés, nadei em todas fontes de águas sagradas.

E nem isso para me livrar da tua maldade.

Dois anos depois, volto para casa. Ele, como um arbutre, me tenta. E eu, animada como um cachorrinho para mostrar progresso, caio em sua armadilha.

Original piece: 30/08/2021

Bem-vindo à lista de contatos bloqueados.

Essa mensagem é provavelmente automática. O usuário desse serviço acredita que você não merece muita explicação do motivo pelo qual você está aqui, mas mesmo assim, gostaria de um encerramento mais digno, porque isso já se extendeu por tempo demais.

Nunca bloqueei antes alguém que eu gostasse tanto, nunca tive a necessidade, então você compartilha esse lugar com caras esquisitos que conseguem meu número e contas de spam. Eu prefeiro o diálogo,  mas nem todo mundo consegue ser honesto o suficiente para isso.

Você está aqui nessa lista, alguns anos mais tarde do que o previsto, porque é covarde demais para ser sincero, para fazer escolhas e lidar com suas consequências, acabando por machucar todo mundo que se envolve sem necessidade nenhuma. Você acha que amadureceu, que mudou, pediu chances e concedi, mas na verdade só está cada vez mais criativo: dor na hérnia para dar um sumido e cancelar nossa conversa para depois mandar mensagem para Letícia perguntando se poderia aparecer na casa dela com Laura kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Certeza que tirou o João Frango da parede esse final de semana :)

Não estou chateada com você, porque nem tenho motivo. Afinal não tínhamos nada sério, e te garanto que tenho coisa melhor para me (pre)ocupar. Fico decepcionada é comigo mesma, de não ter escutado o que seus amigos me diziam, de ter me colocado nessa posição de "ocupar espaço" temporário de uma pessoa que admiro muito, de não me respeitar o suficiente.

Te bloqueei pelo mesmo motivo pelo qual tinha te dado duas opções: porque meu tempo em todo lugar que vou é curto e quero aproveitar. Quero viver cercada de pessoas que me acrescentem, que me respeitem, que eu amo e confio. E você, infelizmente, renunciou seu lugar, como amigo e qualquer outra coisa que poderia vir a se moldar :/

Te desejo tudo de bom sempre. Obrigada por compartilhar uma parte da minha vida comigo, me apresentar pessoas incríveis e me ensinar a fazer "?" no teclado,

Sinceramente,

Juliana

Ps: Porquê no final do dia ainda sou Embaixadora da ONU e acredito no direito de defesa, se você acha que tem algo a dizer, esse aqui é meu e-mail: julince.rj.rj@gmail.com 

Foto tirada no banheiro da casa de Buzios, logo depois do bote. Bobinha

Update de 2025:

Ele não quis a chance. Nunca recebi nenhum e-mail.

Não muito tempo atrás, no verão de 2024, ele apareceu no portão da minha casa de madrugada. Nos despedimos para sempre. O ciclo se encerrou.

Hoje, com o pouco de informação que tenho da vida dele, soube que ele vai se casar. Desejo sucesso e resiliencia para a noiva, que graças a Deus, não sou eu.

Com amor e carinho de Santa Cruz, California,

Juliana de 2025

[pseudoclarice]

Break Up Letters to Tom H - Between Brazil & Israel, Aug 2020

8/10/2020 8:21

i don't know if you will digest any of this in the same way i write it in dry tears. today i read that each person has their own language and you have to learn how to read each one to be able to communicate with them. I don't think i have learned yours, and you haven't learned mine either. 

I thought we did a few times, but it was just like speaking portuguese and pretending to know spanish.

it was just like arguing if wagner moura did know spanish before he shot Narcos.

It's like always trying to be right, when you're left.

 this is in no way an attack, so bring your Israeli defenses down, i'm not Hezbollah.  (2025 RE-READ: INSANE TAKE WTF JULIANA)

it's not as if you fail to show you care, or i don't believe you. it is because not everything is about showing, it is about being. Admiration and comprehension come in the way you look to another, not in words you describe to another. strong words can be spoken by actors with no intentions. today i was looking at the pictures we took on our camping trip. not in even one you're smiling or looking at me, out of more than 100 pictures. I know it is an extreme case out of context, but perhaps it shows how you were raised, in a city where everything is too fast, cold and stressing, the warmest thing you can find is tea. And that is fine too.

you have never complained about me.  that is what you call an argument, and you avoid it as much as you can. unfortunately, i'm always there to ruin it and destroy our peace. but it is easy to bring things back to normal. that's what adults do, and that's why they're so unhappy.

they nod, remain in silence and make promises. but nothing ever changes, until something outbursts: your child is actually your neighbor's. boom. 

my mom tells me all men are the same and follow that same behavior, and that is ok. just getting a word from the last sentence the person said and with it making a question back might work as "talking" for others.

You might be thinking about what kind of monster I am to be so unsatisfied with all the love and attention you give me. You're perfect and I must be jealous of you. I should recognize what I have by my side, you're not like the others. You have always listened to me."

but darling, when we talk you're talking to someone that only wants to please you. this is much more my problem than yours. but if i did say what comes to my mind, what i am so passionate about, you'd again get bored, blink, stare at me for a second and start talking about the flaws of democracy or brexit. and then i swallow and wish i have never even said anything at first. it was not worth sharing something so meaningful to me with someone who has no respect for who has a broken english, doesn't read to the economist and comes from a family people wouldn't be able to point where Britain is in a map. 

This was strong, and I wish i didn't mean it. At the moment you'll be reading it I'll possibly regret writing it, but the way you look down at me reminds me of my misery. you care too much about my titles but not about what is behind them, the experiences that have shaped me. please, i am in no way trying to say i am perfect and have never failed with you or made you upset. I know my limitations, insecurities and flaws better than anyone and therefore i apologize for not being what you expected once and making you suffer so much.

what i do not regret is loving too much too early.

I did try and closed my eyes to what was not working, because when I was with you I was holding something so powerful in my chest and I felt the urge to speak it out. I called it love, because it is, but honestly, hasn't it ever passed by your mind how easily love can grow out of loneliness and a global crisis?

I will be forever grateful for what you taught me and how you cared for me, because I know you did, in your way, in the moments I was most vulnerable. I do see your efforts, and I won't forget the burger you brought me, the animation you made me, the delicious food you cooked me, and all the journey just to bring me to the airport. You have been an important part of my life. This is not an end, but another page. 

We'll talk a lot this week, I'll call you soon, even though I wish we could be talking in person. 

I, please, ask you to understand me and my decisions. 

- :)

8/11/2020

This was a fatal card. Unfair, at the minimum. Low blow. 

I had started reading your letter when I went downstairs to store the dishes.

And just the thought of it makes my eyes wet. I am angry at you, but this still dissolves me like a washing softener, I melt and I burn in a frying pan., there is pain inside me.

I play the saddest playlist I have on Spotify, 2015 suffering indie kid memoirs, and I know you've been listening to the Beatles, because who else would be.

Your words make me cringe, but in a nicer way than I expected. I think what hurts the most is that I am not able to give any of this back. It hurts how good I am at performing a character I don't even like. There is not such a thing as pure goodness inside me, the kind of thing you'd find in Teo or Wilda. Perhaps well-architected acts with accurately calculated outcomes. But I am not even good at maths, I wonder how can such an intelligent person like you fall for this low-budget theater. It can't even be impostor syndrome.

I have heard about the existence of this letter a long ago. I am a bit afraid of reading it now, under those bad conditions, I feel like I achieved it by cheating and every line my eyes pass through something inside me contracts. You're online. Shit. I am enjoying your writing, the narrative. Even though it's too straightforward to my tangled mind, I wish it wasn't that bright.

I feel exposed, I don't want you to look at me, to analyze my body language, to read me when I just want to be invisible. And I am sorry for being so liquid, this is how I grew up. Bauman looks at me with disappointment, I have been living the modern love for a while now, to the point I am sitting in a registry office, I look at my right and there is someone. I have made out with him twice and we have never spoken since. I ride by the beach and I recognize the spots I was once shaky, nervous and digested by the excitement of a new world of possibilities and stories in a person, and I would say it was the cold. It is indeed a windy place. And my legs would tremble until he pulled me closer and the tip of my toes would hurt because his lips were too far away or I was too short, or my shoes were just too tight.

 "he" has been a few, and I have expected texts from some, not from others. A few were acts of despair, others a life long crush that finally decided to look at me. At the beginning indeed there was this seek for approval, the need to be liked, the craving for love a 12-year-old has when watching a romantic comedy and imagining herself as the pretty protagonist, even knowing her looks won't ever make it. But this is no longer me. I found the love for freedom and people, Philos and Agape.

It seems like it was all a new experience for you, and I find it lovely, to some extent even empowering. This time I was no longer the one trembling, experience has taken this explosion of feelings from me. Not completely, of course. It makes me sad you say I was testing you. But I could have been more careful with my words when I first told you I liked you, because I didn't expect what it could turn into. I sent it with no fear or expectations, perhaps frustrated by your passivity.

It's funny how clueless you were when you wrote that letter.

So much happened afterwards, and it hurts me to think that even before things have even started, you already had such strong feelings. Remember the thing about exponential love? In me it came later, but in a faster pace. It scares how you have romanticized me once, I wonder if once you found out the real me it has changed and slightly disappointed you. I hope it did, otherwise, I'm still an invention of your mind.

Anyways, I must address what has changed. Space and Time. 

At school I was you, you were me, and we were all over the place. You were my free time, you were my busy time, you were my night, my morning, my locked room and my open door. You were all my human interactions in a day. And I did love it, I did look forward to hear your footsteps on my corridor. 

Now I am 10,141 km away from you. And I see what I couldn't before because you were always in my eyesight. I see myself again in the mirror, and not us. I see someone's daughter and sister, someone's friend, someone individually who aims things and has dreams. I have missed this person. And I want to take her with me on the flight.