post-meltdown-scribbles

[post-meltdown-scribbles]

I’m supposed to be the smart one

the one that’s reliable, that has plans for everything, knows everything, prepares for everything

I don’t make mistakes

I’m not allowed to

because I’m the smart one

the one that’s reliable

and what am I if not that?

so if I make a mistake, worse yet, make people worry

if I’m not the smart one, not the one that’s reliable

even if it’s just for one time

then what am I?

Nothing, no one, worth nothing

not worthy of a name, a face, a life

so I’ll let the guilt eat me away

until I’m gone

because if I’m not the smart one

then I’m nothing, no one, worth nothing

not worthy of a name, a face, a life

[post-meltdown-scribbles]

Can we go back to the time when Christmas was not just another day? When my birthday made me feel special? When there was so much magic in the mundane and when looking at nights at light made my heart bloom with wonder?

Where did that go? where?

Can I follow it? Even if I could, would I even have the energy left to chase it? The wonder, the excitement. When my worries weren’t small per se, it when they were still smaller than me. When challenges were big, but I was bigger. When I had problems and doubts and fear, but my heart and mind and conviction were always the greater force.

Where’d that all go? where is it hiding?

what is it hiding from?

is it hiding from the world?

.

.

.

or just from me?

[post-meltdown-scribbles]

Sometimes I think I am more animal than man.

For when I hide inside the forest, a barefooted creature, a strange one, the only thing I fear finding me is another human.

The foxes can come and gnaw on my bones, they do not judge my flesh. The deer may trample me all they want, they do not judge my features. The crows can pick at what will have been left of me, they will never judge my name.

Hate is a foreign concept to them. Baseless one even more so. For all they might wish to devour me, they would never hurt me in the way a human has. So, sometimes, I think I am more animal than man.

I wish I were.