pookerpower

[pookerpower]

👉 GET NАKЕD SNАPСНАT ID’z

[pookerpower]

👉 GET NАKЕD SNАPСНАT ID’z

[pookerpower]

Welcome to my Ted Talk about AsPD, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, which the internet likes to coin as sociopath 👌🏻 if you don’t like long infodumps about stigmatized mental disorders from someone who is diagnosed, move on.

Quick toxic rundown: People with AsPD are generally characterized as emotionless, violent, manipulative abusers who kill animals and like to make other people their bitches. The biggest pet peeve we have is the emotionless, sadistic and abusive generalization.

Personally, we are highly neurotic, with highs and lows of: depression, frantic drive, self abuse tactics, chronic fear, lapses of rejection, overwhelming over-analyzation, grey area thinking, false goods and false bads, ultimatums, obsessive compulsive behavior, harsh self demands, and irritability.

AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety or the safety of others. You can find my follow up post regarding this here.

Neglected and abused children often act out trying to get attention and help, often acting out in bad ways because they lack the ability to articulate what they’re feeling and what is happening to them. The pipeline for AsPD typically is: Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child, Conduct Disorder as a teen, AsPD as an adult. There are a lot of warning signs cueing that AsPD is becoming a risk for development, but often kids do not have a support system to help negate it as it’s their support system that is usually a factor in its creation.

Being AsPD is like being an emotional La Croix 70% of the time. If you’re depressed, then it’s like someone in the other room has depression and is telling you about it. The other 30% of the time, if you’re depressed, your brain doesn’t understand how to handle it so it’s an ultimatum between doing something drastic to remove the Trigger or ignoring and dissociating for days on end.

People with AsPD are very good at ignoring things. Honestly it’s problematic as fuck but it’s not hard to ignore major issues when you just, don’t care. It’s not in the terms of being cruel or making ourselves not care, but the fact that finding the emotional willpower is so far out of our feasible reach we don’t do it. This causes us to piss people off because we don’t have the capacity to care as much as they want us to, even if we can and do to an extent.

Think of it this way: empathy/sympathy is a deep tub of water that everyone has. They can easily fill their measuring cup for the needed amount of empathy without any issues and it’s easy for them. People with AsPD don’t have a tub of water. We have shallow skillet. When we try to dip our cup to fill it, we can’t, it always comes up short and it is difficult to get any water in it as there is no room for the cup to dive. Our ability to care is limited because we do not have the same emotional resources everyone else does.

❌ False Positives & False Negatives ❌

I operate on what I’ve learned are called false positives and false negatives. These are things that are trained into the brain from an early age based off of childhood trauma and other factors. False positives are a distorted version of why we do something to help ourself and for our own good, meanwhile a false negative is something we do because it’s a threat, or based out of fear.

❌ Some of my false positives:

- It is good to be afraid of nothing

- It is good to adapt to someone’s personality if they are stronger than you

- It is good to isolate yourself

- It is good to be a silver tongue because you can get into any place you want

- It is good to become a social chameleon and shape yourself to whatever those around you need/want most, because then you have no chance of being abandoned

❌ Some of my false negatives, which can explain the false positives as well as core beliefs:

- it is bad to be afraid, if I am afraid then I am vulnerable and it can be used against me

- It is bad to be emotional or show concern for others emotions because they do not care for mine

- It is bad to be able to be exploited, because I believe it is everywhere

- It is bad to allow myself to be bored, because boredom begets bad thoughts and no one can or wants to help me when I spiral

- It is bad to not shape yourself to the social circle, because people quickly grow tired of those who do not match them perfectly and being discarded means I failed

My core beliefs can be viewed as the root for the false positives and negatives, because they are based on the core of trauma, abuse and neglect. They come from patterns and instances that make someone with AsPD become the opposite of what they experienced:

- eat or be eaten

- If I don’t show that my bite is worse than my bark, I will be taken advantage of and I must remain on top because the ones on top are safe

- I must look out for myself because nobody will do it for me

- It doesn’t matter what happens to me, therefore it doesn’t matter what people think of me

- If I cannot do something well, then I should not do it at all

- If you are dependent on others for emotional and mental well being, you are weak, therefore I must isolate myself to avoid becoming codependent and a burden and useless

- If I can handle the stress of a situation better than everyone else, therefore I will keep the problem (financial, emotional, mental, etc) to myself to reduce chances of being abandoned due to failure of perfection

People with AsPD are hard to get along with. We often:

- are always anticipating a fight

- lack respect for authority

- ignore social structures to an extent

- tendency to lie if it’ll lessen punishment or if we feel the lie is more acceptable than our actions

- limit social support because it’s wrong to be dependent on others

- have an inflated view of our own importance — which turns into a self ridicule for believing someome like me could be found important to others —

- can be rude and inconsiderate of others feelings somewhat unintentionally

- are unable to read the correct social cues in relation to empathy towards people and animals

- am constantly confused by others dependence upon empathy and inability to make desicions from logic based standpoints

We can’t speak for everyone who has AsPD, nor are we saying that no one with AsPD is capable of being a murderer/abuser etc. but we are saying that y’all need to stop automatically classifying someone as a certain “type” as soon as you know about their disorder.

One last thing I do want to point out is that it is not uncommon for people with AsPD to derive some sort of enjoyment in causing harm, doing something illegal, hurting someone or animals, etc. This entirely stems from lack of environmental control as a child. Being able to control what happens to others or being able to control the things you say or do that hurts someone else is a hefty high to get addicted to; it soothes the underlying itch of not being able to control your own trauma and abuse, so in turn you push these behaviors onto others and enjoy it because it gives you a sense of power and control. Some people with AsPD do genuinely love hurting others, and some enjoy hurting others when they believe it’s deserved or their ire has been stoked. Some enjoy causing pain to those they think deserve it, and others don’t care who they hurt as long as they feel like they’re in control of the situation.

Hope this have some insight into AsPD 🤙🏻 if y’all have any questions, shoot.

[pookerpower]

The following was sent to my phsychiatrist earlier this year significant names have been removed, as a result my diagnosis was changed to schizo affective disorder and psychopathic traits have been recognised. The reason i am sharing this is to give people hope. I shared my inner world and wasn't sectioned. I hope other can read this and feel at ease to say it how it is to their care teams:

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, SELF HARM

I have alluded in communications with Dr @£#% that I haven't got what I want in regards to recovery if indeed it is possible. I really hope this isn't seen as game playing - despite my love of games, this isn't one of them. This is my life which I have to try and survive.

I wanted to give you prior warning of what I believe the issues I have may be and also attempt to answer why I believe this. Excuse my arrogance in doing so.

It is my belief that alot of my day to day feelings and thoughts are the result of an emotionally abusive grandfather who was free to tell me what a disappointment i was, and also restrictive parenting from a father who was a total perfectionist who had no time for people who weren't mens men and no time for people who couldn't live up to his unrealistic expectations.  I am a support worker on minimum wage, My sister is a millionaire.  In my school years I always felt different to others - my only love interest was a girl called Carie who identified as Mormon. I wanted nothing more than to be with her and we were quite honest about our feelings towards one another, from school years 8,9,10,11 we would often talk about being able to date once she was 16.  To dangle that carrot I feel forged a disconnect between emotion and my ability to express and indeed feel love.  Long story short she got to 16 and suggested I could ask her out. I said no. after our GCSEs were done with, I have seen her twice since leaving school-she is now married with kids and living in New Zealand...well at least as of 4 or 5 years ago.

I was always jealous of couples who appeared happy and have always felt that true love is out of sight for me.  Due to self esteem issues I have always felt like damaged goods. Love in meeting my now wife appeared to be possible but my negativity doesn't do her any favours. Our relationship was also marred by me having got another girl pregnant just prior to meeting - felt powerless in this and the full term pregnancy was her choice not mine.

For me my current risks mainly revolve around sado/masochism. From the outset I would like to let you know that my default position has always been masochistic in nature.  The only times I have become sadistic is when i was diagnosed with HIV. My high viral load until suitably suppressed appeared to be the perfect way to hurt men.  Upon diagnosis I also sought other females who were already positive and got off on the fact if the also carried Hep C and or HPV aswel as other STIs. I travelled long distances to meet them, the closest being @#%£÷ and the furthest being %&<>=÷. Promises of being single were made which was easy to do as i was currently living at my parents so could do video calls without arousing suspicion that I may be lying about my situation.  I would get what I wanted then would fade away - no response is a response after all.  The distance I travelled was my choice to prevent possible come back should they attempt to try and track me down.  In truth the fact that men are my usual go to since moving back into the family home is more down to my circumstances and the fact it is near impossible to 'woo' a female long term in order to get what I want.  In male interaction there is nothing more I want than sex, with females there is often a wondering about whether they can save me.  The only female who I saw some possibility of being my saviour was !@%×÷ - she ultimately ended our relationship after months of mind games - this is why I feel homicidal thoughts returned in 2022, her new male partner was my target at least for physical and fatal harm. Emotionally I would have hurt @%#÷<÷[ also, as I planned to ring her from his phone from his home in the last moments before his death. 

I very nearly contacted West Mercia Police back in 2022 to give grounds for an Osman warning.  Maybe an Osman warning would have safeguarded him? Another advantage could be that the now happily married couple would know that they maybe shouldn't play mind games with people who have long memories.

Fantasies of revenge have always been present in me from bullying in secondary school, I would stand in front of a mirror when alone and play out scenarios with my then airpistol wishing it was something more, in my head I would get my revenge.

In the present when I feel wronged I swallow what I feel and add it to my ball of rage.  I have compartmentalised for years which means I can do whatever I wish and return to the family home with tales of a normal day at work. Assertiveness and self esteem deficits I feel are part of this issue - I have tried CBT and it doesn't work - my thoughts are me - I can't change that.

Early issues prior to psychosis (whether schizophrenic or a trauma response, or a realisation of what I felt was really me, smelling blood and feeling vulnerable to urges of killing)

I have always been scientific in my world view. I am an atheist for these reasons which maybe I should reassess in a bid to work on my moral compass.  The label of schizophrenia I found useful and when that occurred I sought to build my own knowledge around it. RD laings the divided self being one of my favourite books ever. Any works of fiction don't grab my attention including the bible. 

My university course involved critical thinking and I found in that time period I was drawn more so to certain authors/thinkers as they seemed to fit with me and grab my attention if its not something i can relate to i am not interested. descartes, machiavelli, nietzsche, foucault, satre.. anything that involved individual power boosted my ego and sense of self.  Oddly neitzsche died of Syphillis and Foucault of AIDS. They knew the meaning of suffering and their world views were reaffirming to my own beliefs and gave me comfort I'm relation to my own patterns of thought.

I have fond memory's of &<>]=÷ and her input with me. Jungian shadow work was introduced to me, but maybe I miss interpreted it along the way. I at this time am very aware of my shadow self. Labels have helped me see a way forward in hope and for treatment in the past, and therefore I would like to ask for some investigation if possible whether to affirm or refute.

Protection of #%/×=×@:

&£=×@# is my world, possibly the only person I truly love.

With this feeling of needing to protect him and also struggles for him mentally since September last year i feel that my feelings towards suicide have changed. It is no longer an option although couldn't be ruled out entirely.

Suicide was up until September 2023 always a get out for me and one i have contemplated for many hours over the years, it was always a comfort blanket hence why the means would always be stashed in my car.  Since the reality of @%##£'s situation sank in this is now off the table unless as an ultimate last resort.  My behaviours have become worse...although less frequent more severe in seeking out what I need in regards to harm and the associated sensations.

Homicidal concerns and bucket list.

As you are aware from my history at least in regards to paperwork since 2002 has possibly 3 homicidal thoughts evidenced.  Way back in 2003 (caused by criticism) 2015 (caused by thoughts of serial killing and associated arousal) 2022 (caused by rejection).  Homicidal thoughts were also present in 2007/2008 when my unwanted son was conceived, these will not be on my records- my thoughts to blow that baby from her guts were present but my belief in something exciting round the corner having met my now wife prevented me from acting as I kept that birth secret until she came snooping for money for the little bastard. The cause of these homicidal thoughts were powerlessness.

The worry for me is that on my bucket list I have just two items to achieve:

1 - to kill someone before I die ( rationale from a young age was to know what it felt like, now admittedly vengeance may come into it).

2 - to create an everlasting block of cheese - this is of course a joke - there's only one item on my bucket list.

A suicidal act by me would now only ever occur in the aftermath of correcting someone who has hurt me or my son.  I have spoken to Dr @%!÷×/÷ about wishing to rip a whole in the world - metaphorically before I exit.  I have promised myself that. In relation to self harm if the sex I have is seen to be this it is very rarely impulsive it is a planned process to take part in long and risky sex sessions. Part of the reason the frequency is less is really down to opportunity. To engage in long sex sessions with multiple men takes planning and deceit. I am aware I need that excitement and to plan for it means I can last out till that point of being used by multiple men I have always been attracted to strangers as it heightens the element of the risk of the unknown.

At this time I am facing a need to survive for my son. This is new for me and I need to know how to do it - assertiveness and self esteem work and ultimately coping strategies I feel may help.  If the risks I take no longer take away that feeling of internal and eternal unrest I will have no options left and simply will not survive.

Whilst I don't express distress often and historically only seek help as a last resort, I would say that I am starting to believe I have little time left to change. I have had ideas of something in my personality not being 'right' for probably about 15 years, when serial killing I felt was in me, I lost 5 stone running so I felt physically fit enough to carry this out, I ran for maybe 3 years and #£××:@ helped me psychologically at around that era.  up until the last 3 years I put the risk taking down to being just something I do to cope, often justifying it as better than killing people.  I would like any and or all options to be looked at PTSD, ADHD, Autism, my honest belief is that I have a personality disorder or a mixture of several. Even if that is a delusional personality disorder - hence making me believe I have a personality disorder.

I held on to the fact that by midlife things may improve.  But I have felt in the last few years I may have ASPD and also potentially secondary psychopathy whilst planning and calculating is present i believe my trauma due to being worthy of nothing, caused my issues rather than biology. My possible awareness I hope is a sign of (fingers crossed) my issues waning due to my advancing years.  This awareness is double edged though as I am finding my acting out is getting more extreme and there is almost a feeling of being drawn in further as i try to make sense of my situation. On my original DBS after a firearms incident and forensic assessment at Reaside clinic by #£@%!/÷# I was descrbed as having 'obsessional personality traits' - I would completely agree with this.  'A danger to himself and others' was also stated- maybe it is indeed a self fulfilling prophecy.

I am prepared to accept a label if you feel it is correct, I have immense respect for you. I am also willing to move out of care and support as I understand that a label may affect not my ability to do the job, but my safety to do the job.

I am not scared of any diagnoses - i currently carry two of the worst and most stigmatised conditions anyway schizophrenia and HIV. I am accepting of whatever possible additional diagnosis may be deemed to fit. I need change, i don't want change but I know my current course is not in my best interests. 

I really hope this email helps. It's taken me years to unmask to the extent I have, I wish I had done it sooner buti needed maturity in thought and this clarity has only occurred in the last 3 years.

Whatever is necessary I will engage with.

If you need more than deviancy in moral and ethical terms, I have offended criminally, I am not willing to list all offences here, but wanton endangerment has already been evidenced through my sadism and 'gift giving' of HIV. I am happy to share this as the targets were largely fucked in dark rooms at gay saunas. Don't know who they were and vice versa.

Intrusive thoughts were hard to deal with,  the thought that those are actually true thoughts is even harder, I can't do it alone.

Opening up in the manner I am doing feels risky and I hope in writing this it satisfies the ever present need for excitement if only for a short period.

I have attempted to get help prior to this time.  And have sent out red flags before now, I am happy to share these instances with you face to face.  Whilst this may have made for difficult reading please be aware that there are positives and I recognise these.

My Son will keep me here.

I function well despite being angry at the world.

The shotgun removed from my mum and dad's home was really significant as it was a gift from my abusive grandpa.  He was hate personified that gun had an imagery associated with it which is now out of grasp. No other weapon will ever have that hold over me.

All I need is hope for change, please be aware my behaviours are powerful compulsions which are used to alleviate the reality of my existence.  Excuse me for harking back to philosphy, but it forms the only world view acceptable to me. Foucault's most famous book discipline and punish had at its core the penal systems move from the destruction of the body to the disciplining of the mind as an expression of social control and power.  The reason i mention it is because I feel at total odds to this. I am destroying my body as an act of power or self inflicted punishment, the years have taught me that i simply cannot discipline my mind and sustain change. There has to be something better than this. Although my actions may seem irrational I hope this email serves to give context to the situation.

The risks I take are outside of the family home and work, so I do attempt to reduce harm as much as possible whilst being aware I need it.

Kind Regards,