polyamory-and-pot

[polyamory-and-pot]

Fucking pissed off.

Did my dad's friend a favor yesterday by driving him to his hotel. We had a couple different discussions about trans issues, the government, drugs and death.

And from that conversation I reached the conclusion that I don't want to be buried. Cause we talked about how in 100 years of my bones are discovered I'll be viewed as female remains. And I don't want that. Even if I'm long dead and much time has passed I don't want to be viewed as a woman.

And my dad says my reasoning is childish. Like what's childish about wanting to be remembered as the gender I identify with and the person I became because of it, rather than being remembered as the person I genetically am.

And even if it is childish, so what? It's my life. It'll be my death. I made this decision, so why do the reasons behind it matter? (Even more funny/frustrating when I think about the fact that my dad is the person who is most adamant about me making decisions when I'm indecisive.)

[polyamory-and-pot]

The worst trick a childhood anxiety disorder pulls is, you spend your early years being applauded for being so much more mature than your peers, because you aren’t disruptive, you don’t want any kind of attention, you don’t express yourself, you keep yourself to yourself - this makes you a pleasure to have in class, etc etc - and you start to believe it’s virtue. But you’re actually way behind your peers in normal social development, and who knows if you can ever catch up.

[polyamory-and-pot]

the introvert urge to say “no worries either way” when you’re actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

[polyamory-and-pot]

Feeling is only growing stronger, like someone used to have a god complex and I'm feeling pretty similar to that right now.

So no idea who is fronting but I know I'm vibing today. Like I feel so clear headed and focused. Besides being clumsy, I actually feel human and not like a sack of flesh making it through the day. (But if being clumsy causes me one more inconvenience I'm gonna lose my shit)

[polyamory-and-pot]

So no idea who is fronting but I know I'm vibing today. Like I feel so clear headed and focused. Besides being clumsy, I actually feel human and not like a sack of flesh making it through the day. (But if being clumsy causes me one more inconvenience I'm gonna lose my shit)

[polyamory-and-pot]

if you take away lawful divorce, women will just revert back to god's divorce (poison)

[polyamory-and-pot]

Me: (about to takeoff my binder after a long day at work) I shall free myself from the confines of my human flesh

My Dad: what was that?

Me: I shall free myself from the confines of my human flesh

My Dad: (sigh) I love you kid...

[polyamory-and-pot]

While reading some DID literature a while ago, I fell upon the term "master self", to describe the entirety of who someone with DID is.

At first, it felt very validating. I struggle with professionals who insist that "I" am made of multiple parts. But I feel like I am a part, a small part amongst others. (Most of the time) I don't feel like I am split into many parts, because I only know the dissociated state that I exist in.

I understand that a goal of therapy (at least for me) would be to eventually feel like I am made of multiple parts. Feel like every alter, including who I identify as me, is a part of who I am. But that's not how it is right now, and honestly, it doesn't feel like it's something that could ever fully be.

So yes, me, and all my alters, are apart of the same self. But that self isn't me. Me is part of that abstract, overarching "self"

Accepting this is, in my opinion, an important step in recovery. But for me, it came with the drawback of mourning that self. Who would I be without all that dissociation, that runs so deep it's rooted in my sense of identity?

The answer is probably a traumatized mess... at least I'm functional-ish right now.

[polyamory-and-pot]

it is so hard to find a good DID community.

[polyamory-and-pot]

things you don't need to have DID/OSDD

- introjects

- an inner world

- communication between parts

- an understanding of all of your parts and how they operate

- explicit knowledge of your alters names, ages, roles, or what they look like

[polyamory-and-pot]

Not long after Jebediah's passing (rest in pieces) I bought two new bongs and now a month later they have names. One is a glass bond that is painted with a metallic bronze. His name is Chandler. The other is a bong that looks like a UFO abducting a mushroom house. Their name is Melon.

We like to name inanimate objects and refer to them by that name. No good examples come to mind besides stuffed animals, but everyone names their stuffed animals (right?). Anyways recently we bought two new bongs a small red stripped one and a regular sized clear bong with glow in the dark scream faces all over it. A week or two ago we randomly named the small red one Neil. Don't know why he's Neil but he is. And since we named that bong I needed to name the other one too. So we have Neil and Jebediah.

[polyamory-and-pot]

i want to meet and interact with and befriend more systems, but i think that a large issue that i have with most system-oriented communities online is that they're sooo... alter focused. specifically introject focused.

i'd like a discord server where instead of every channel being "i have 27 my hero academia introjects and 13 of them don't get along", we can all just play minecraft or something and it just so happens that we're systems.

don't get me wrong, this disorder impacts every aspect of my life, but can't there be any spaces where we talk about something else???

[polyamory-and-pot]

Can I read an entire story where the Mac has my dead name?

Time to find out.

[polyamory-and-pot]

Another userbox. These are fun

[polyamory-and-pot]

sysblr is so disconnected from CDDs atp I dont even consider validity-system satirizing the community "mocking a disorder"

[polyamory-and-pot]

Me: I'm so normal. Lol. Can't imagine why anyone would think otherwise

Someone: Hey can you do this thing that won't inconvenience you at all but will mess up your routine?

Me:

[polyamory-and-pot]

dissociative parts are not "multiple people in one brain". dissociative parts are THAT. parts of a whole.