poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog

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A lone wolf’s walk into hell for strength.

11/14/18 @ 0937

The days since my baker act have not been easy. I have been striving as hard as I can to learn more about my condition and to improve my own stability and functionality. There has been many emotional ups and downs and moments where my brain wanted me to quit due to the cost of energy upon me to make improvements to myself and to my life. The toughest part is the constant depression that eats at the corner of my mind or the feeling love loneliness or even the void that seems to be residing in my chest (by void I mean a physical feeling of emptiness) but yet I am finding the ability to take each mentally/emotionally painstaking step forward. Sometimes I can’t not understand the videos I watch or the documents I read to learn more of myself and my condition but every so often (could be days later) I will have a moment where I’ll suddenly understand and then I realize that I made a small victory in the overall war that is to take my life back and to gain that stability and functionality that I spoke about. I have not found a good psychologist/therapist just yet but I am still looking for one to help me more. My toughest challenge has been, so far, doing this seemingly on my own. I know that there are people there looking out for me and I appreciate it. But the needs that normally gives a human being the ability to accomplish things are not always fulfilled (love, romance, sex, comfort of another, laughing with another, etc). A couple days ago I talked to my parents to just simply check in with them. My mother, oddly enough, seemed to understand my poly lifestyle or at minimal is accepting of it. My father, however, did not. And that hurt me greatly. I looked up to this man the majority of my life as he had saved me from an abusive situation and tried his best to deal with me as the damange teenager that I was. It took me a few days but I processed through that and continued to look out for myself and to strive forward. Resika and I talked one evening about some of the things that has happened and agreed to be partners. The moments I get with her do help to some degree, but the damage still lays within myself and of the things, due to my own actions and lack of understanding myself, that were stripped away from me. Lillith and I have odd moments too where one moment we are affectionate to one another on a limited scale and then she feels so distant away that Pluto seems closer. Lately though things have been intensifing between us. Last night apparently she crawled into my bed and attempted to fall asleep next to me, I was out cold already since I took two of my Olly sleep gummies to put me out. Her husband, not sure if angry or agitated by this, got her out of my bed and made her go sleep in their bed. I awoke this moment to my alarms going off and Lillith entering my room and laying next to me. A moment later her husband popped into my room and seemed upset by her being in my bed again even if she was laying above the blanket and sheets that I was under. I felt awkward by this and said nothing to him as I got dressed to take the girls to school. When I returned he did say that he was not mad at me but was agitated as he was tasked with making sure that Lillith stuck to the year she wanted to wait before letting me be with her again, but then it became 90 days, and now I have no fucking clue what it is. She asked me ealier if it would help me to be with her again or to keep postponing our relationship. I tould her that it is not a simple answer as I am confident in my newly implemented skills and tools that have helped me keep with being communicative and making proper decisions. But that I was concerned with the unknown variable that I could error and hurt her again... but is this variable to make error and hurt someone without meaning to not always present in everyday of our lives? Is the variable to make any sort of error not always preset in our lives? I would have to side with the thought that it is in fact present just as the unknown variable of death is always present. One could wake up and start the process of their day without knowning if it is their last day or not. Just as one could wake up and not know where they may succeed that day or where they may fail. And so with this in my mind I responded to her in messenger..

Now I kept thinking on it more cause that is just how my brain is. When it is focused on something it will not drop it until I feel that I have overprocessed the whole thing. Lillith came back into my room to look for something and by then my meds were starting to kick in and I reiterrated my meaning and asked if that helped more. She said yes and then went to get ready for work. Now I am sitting here wondering why she asked in the first place and what may come of this as no sort of question like the one she asked simply does not come with a reaction or price. 

Eva and I made up a bit also over the time since my last post. For a while I desired to have her in my life as a partner but I realized that together we are not a good mix. And so I called her late one afternoon and said my final good bye to her and thought that I would never hear from her again. Over the next day or two (i think) we chatted a bit more and she did not want to remember me as the monster that had hurt her. So we agreed to be friends so that she can see the progress I make and to have a better memory of me to perhaps overlay upon the monsterous memory of me yelling at her and having an emotional meltdown. I am a bit thankful for that opportunity as, yes there is a monster inside me, but that monster is supposed to be reserved for those deserving of that side of me. But not one single fucking person that was involved in my error and the emotional meltdown that came soon after was deserving of that side of me. So this means now that I have a chance to show her I am a good person and that I can maintain a stable and functional (I seem to say that a lot, yeah?) person that I happier with himself and treats others as they should be treated. 

Secretly I have been working on the video that I shot of the off-roading adventure that I made for Lillith and on the video from HHN2018 with Eva. I am going to send the videos to them both when they are completed with the hopes that it shows that they are in my thoughts and that I mean well. But I hope that it also shows Lillith that I love and think of her often.

Resika has seen me a couple times since we became partners. I wish I could see her more as that does help me process and calm down when I have too much information flying through my head. Though waking up and holding Lillith for a bit today was very helpful in that... till my body started to biologically respond to her presense which only caused agitation in me since I can not be with her the way I want to be. I need that physical connection just as much as I need the mental and emotional connection. Without such things, I move like I am on powersaver mode because, frankly, I am. I lack enough drive and power and I have to decide with extreme difficulty where to spend my energy and drive each day to be successful in something. Without this consideration, I would simply run out of energy/drive and be a ship so to say that is dead in the water. 

Okay, well that is all for now. I appreciate you guys reading. 

~Aiden Wolf LeVay~

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

The Wolf and the Eagle of Blood

November 5th, 2018 @ 1134

So last night was a rough one especially from the emotional rollercoaster that has happened over the last few days. I laid in bed for a few hours to try and sleep but felt cold (it was cold in the room) and lonely, but isn’t that normal for someone that has gone through what I have gone through and put myself through and brought upon myself so far? I would think so. I laid there and just thought of everything. And sort of did a self internal scan of myself and my integrity. I’m not as shattered as I was. I am receiving some form of affection from Lillith still and have been given a direction to move, as stated in the last post. I keep the vision in my mind that I want to be stable and to seek out all my ‘malfunctions’ and to either fix them or learn to handle them. I long for the year to pass and for me to improve so that I can hold her again and smile and be happy.. on that day. I will cry.. heavily.. but because I am happy to possibly have her back and that I succeeded where I have always failed. But as I laid there, fear creeped into my mind and made me awaken more. I left the house for a moment and took a walk to exhaust myself more physically and then returned home to lay in bed. I slipped into sleep with turbulence but managed and had a nightmare. In this nightmare, it was the era of vikings and I was chained up in a small room only for the door to be opened and me lead out and forced upon my knees before a crowd and have my wrists chained to two posts. And Lillith was there with blood and anger in her eyes. She performed a blood eagle on me and I remember screaming which meant I would not make it to Valhalla. I know that this was just a nightmare as Lillith and her Husband have given me more of a chance then I deserve. It’s simple. Step the fuck up, be an adult, be part of the household, and stabilize myself. And in a year if everything is okay then I will have my last shot with Lillith or so I hope. That is the agreement for now at least. And I am hanging on, no, clinging tightly to that thought of being happy with myself and with her once more for positive energy. She says she loves me when I say it or says it on her own I think at times and that replinishes my charge and determination. I refuse to give in to the darkness that plauged my mind for so long and I will WILL remove it forever one way or another in healthy ways. I am not a monster, I will not be a monster, and I refuse to make the errors that I have made over and over for so long or at least similar errros or large ones. I won’t be perfect, I know this. But if I can keep to the occassional small error here and there, is that not being a normal functional person? I would like to think so. Anyway. That is it for now, I may post again later. I am keeping my head up. Still putting up the good fight. 

These are my songs of strength today. When I feel the negative even try to come into my mind, I listen to them and it seems to really help. Music, as David from Distubed has said, makes for a good weapon if you use it right to fight anything inside you. And I am certainly using as a weapon in this internal fight. And I will win. 

Fight ~ Unwritten Law

 https://open.spotify.com/track/1ZNXzr9QxJpddq6UDL0fVM?si=M5fmLgP4TpeR926xb5KZbQ

We will rise ~ Arch Enemy

https://open.spotify.com/track/0KtQaeUT372b7vRProw9Sm?si=3qU1Bw9jQ4uZQbIHQqB68A

Demons ~ Icon for Hire

https://open.spotify.com/track/3ByTxONfnGILll8z799aQj?si=Ap5eewnYQBWxo6U0piX9mw

Crank it up ~ X-RX

https://open.spotify.com/track/1VSPXBy2rMTxIWB0dRLuXj?si=hi_A1FraQXm531AL4vKVwQ

The Alliacne ~ Cypecore

https://open.spotify.com/track/2iXKOCtQN4kfWNqZ993b5i?si=MBvINi1MTAiZk9Cops46TQ

Saint of Zion ~ Cypecore

https://open.spotify.com/track/6dFYNaFVqROx17Lv1z3oSo?si=tGwpp7lmR264t38hSWAIuA

As of now this is the roster of those close to me:

Lillith - Former Primary that I live with still and I am hoping to earn my place with again after I fix and learn to handle my malfunctions. She is still giving me support on more levels then I can mention but I am thankful for her and her husband for everything. 

Viking = Husband of Lillith. He has, dispite his dissapointment in me, has been a support and through him and Lillith, I have found my ground again. 

Eva = Former partner that holds a resentment towards me for my error. (she will more then likely be removed from this list as time goes on)

Resika = Current casual partner

Yuki = Ex Primary and Nesting partner. Friends and stil emotionally connected to her on a minor level. She has been a bit of a support for me so far. 

Kalypso = Old friend from Bulgaria that I used to run around with as a teenager. We recently found each other again on Facebook and have been catching up and chatting quite a bit. She also has been a support for me.

Jinx = A friend from my former job that has been checking up on me often and making sure that I am okay and that I am taken care of myself and that I have what I need in the moment. She is awesome and a good friend indeed. And someone that I can actually call a friend.

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

The internal fear

Noverber 4th, 2018 @ 2131

The internal fear. The beginning of what eats at me and says that I am not good enough. That tries to silence the good in me and tries to keep me from being a decent person and letting that golden light within me shine through. The beginning of the ugliness that resides within me and leads me away from my true path. I am hearing and feeling that fear now. I have been given a chance with Lillith and her Husband that is far more then I could have asked for. And I want to do everything in my power to stay on target and to show that I am worthy of her and that I can show to myself that I can be a stable person. For once I fully feel that I am not alone though I may feel lonely at times, if that makes sense. The negative in my head is weak right now. But it is there. And I am not going to let it win. But it is hard not to hear the things it whispers in the ear of my mind. I am going to look for a poly support group to chat with and find a psychiatrist that gives a actual fuck about how I am doing and that will listen. To find a psychologist that will also work with me to help me be rid or control this negativity that has been with me for so long.. longer then I can remember. Lillith and her Husband showed me tonight with their mercy and last chance that not everyone will abandon me or leave me on the side of the road to rot in my werckage. And I love and thank them for it. I feel better talking about this now. I hugged Lillith and cried a moment and let the fear spill out a moment and she held me and gave me energy to push through it in the moment. And then I hugged and cried into her husband and he also held me and give me more energy. I was terrified a moment ago. And now I am simply scared but in a managable state. I will not fail, I REFUSE to fail myself again or them. I will not let go of this opportunity and let the demons in my mind take this from me. I have let the negative win for far too long and it is time to make a stand for myself and what/who I love and care for. I may slip a little but I will quickly pick myself back up and march forward. I have my task, my mission, and I will die before I fail (not meaning as in suicide mind you just that I will give all to succeed this time).

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

From pain to calm

October 12th, 2018 @ 1618

So since the last time I have posted on my blog there has been much that has happened. Fought with my first partner, Lillith, a bit as well as with my other partner, Eva. I don’t remember much about these days since I was already unstable and on the verge of meltdown. I do remember that one evening after I got off work, Eva was Dj’ing at a event, Lillith and her husband were at a potluck in Winter Park, and Resika was at Little Fish Huge Pond, and I was left with a choice. Do I go to one of the three or do I say fuck it and find peace on solitude? I started to think it over and I thought for some reason that Eva was mad with me and that we were only going to fight if I went to her. So then I thought over the idea of going to Little Fish Huge Pond in downtown Sanford and getting two drinks and chatting with Resika.. but I was hungry, and did not have hardly anything in my account to buy food and I had not eaten at all so far on that day. So when Lillith mentioned potluck, my brain focused on the thought of free food and suddenly I found myself on my way to Winter Park just for the potluck. I arrived and enjoyed eating while listening to conversations around me. I do not remember much but I do know that towards the end Lillith had asked if I wanted her to stay the night with me Monday. I know that there are times that she does not like being at home due to the turbulence going on between her and her husband. But my brain did not see that specific part and focused on just simply ‘she hates being home and would rather be with her boyfriend in Daytona Beach’. So I said simply “It is up to you” and thus the fight began. Fighting over something that should seem so simple may be odd.. but we are talking about person A with ADHD and person B that suffers from anxiety. The problem here is that person A processes things, understands, or finds understanding/reason differently then person B might. This also causes miscommunication OFTEN when an ADHD person is speaking to others or sharing ideas with others. It is almost like our brains are encrypted and for others to sometimes understand, they have to decrypt what we are saying/thinking, clean up the words/thoughts and THEN they may understand what the hell we meant. Either way the fight continued and I eneded up speeding off. As I was about to merge onto I4, Eva sent me a message saying “Guess I suck at Dj’ing” or something like that. I tried to cheer her up but there seemed to be nothing that could have been said to help and her negative space or something she had said had sparked the fuel to my emotional meltdown. I then voice-to-text a message to what I thought was the messenger chat for my partners but instead I accidentally sent it to Lillith’s partner chat. Again, when in meltdown I do not mean have the things or even most of what I say, I am angry, hurt, frustrated, or at my limit and the stress and applicable emotions are flooding out. After I sent the message, my phone dropped to the cabin floor of the truck and I quickly tried to grab it, not realizing that I also was speeding up in a 45mph zone. By the time I got my phone, there was already a APD police car behind me with his lights on. I immediately pulled over and shut off my lights but kept my engine running with the ebrake on. The officer, young looking as he was, was apparently one that recognized me from when I live in Apopka with my father. He gave me a simple verbal warning and stated that I was doing 60+ in a 45mph zone and that it could be a pricy $200+ ticket if he had in fact ticketed me. We chatted a bit longer about my father, who moved to Waterford Lakes to be with my mother) and caught up before he warned me that the usual areas I used to go in Apopka for solitude were no longer safe and advised I find someplace in Altamonte Springs. I trusted the APD judgement, especially his, and after our chat I got back on the road and left towards Altamonte immediately. Three minutes into my route back to Altamonte Springs, Lillith’s husband calls me and says to meet them. We questioned back and forth a moment and then finally I agreed to meet them at Cranes Roost in Altamonte Springs. Lillith and I talked a bit about what has transpired over the evening, about me and her, and about how I take in information and read or understand it. The chat went well and though still numb from the meltdown, I was deep in my core happy about the chat and went home to rest. So this covers a large part that I can remember of what has happened over the last few days. Next post will be me catching any readers I have up on the more recent events.

I would like to point out once more, if you would like to share my blog with others, or someone else that has minor to severe ADHD, please feel free to share - with anyone. The point of this blog is to show the ongoings during a day for someone suffering from severe ADHD and letting those who read the blog be able to respond to the posts, ask questions, or anything else applicable. Thank you so far for those few of you that read and I hope to get more readers soon.. cause if not then I am going to start posting links to this thing on Facebook and THAT will be interesting lmao. Have a great day everyone!!!

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

The calm before the storm.

October 6th, 2018

So today seemed to have had a great start to it. I was in a decent mood, and was ready and out the door towards work in little time. My drive in was calm and relaxing and I was listening to some of my favorite songs while making my way towards Lake Mary. I stopped off and got my coffee and then played around on my phone in the parking lot where I work. My shift was especially easy today which is the usual for a saturday afternoon/evening. During my break I would sketch or color on my tablet and I was able to keep my focus for the majority of the time while working. I was also given my monthly performance rating. It was good but there are some areas that I would like to improve in and will be making a point to do so. After work I had been chatting with my ex partner, Yuki, and she mentioned that she had broken up with a partner of her and that her ex partner was not taking the break up well. She also seemed a bit down about it. I offered, in a half joking intention to wolfy deliver her a hug. And she said it would be welcomed. 

So as promised, after i got off work and heated up my dinner, I headed over and met with Yuki and her Primary/Nesting partner. It was an enjoyable conversation and quite a pleasure to see Yuki smiling so much after a hug and conversation had begun between the three of us. After a bit though I took my leave and went to the nearest Wawa to grab something caffinated to drink since I felt myself crashing a bit. I remembered a bit then about a party that Eva was dj’ing for and considered going there especially after the conversation we had had earlier in the day. 

Now in regards to this.. I do love Eva. But with here I feel like there are times that I can not come to her with my problems because I do in fact worry that it will put her into a negative space (negative mind). She often has anxiety attacks as is due to a condition she has so it makes it hard to lay my own problems upon her without dragging her down. So I often forget to even try to do so. I have been waiting for her to see a doctor about her condition to see if there is a way to have her get help to be more stabile, and I am planning fully to talk to her on our ‘date night’ to find out what the psychiatrist said to her. But again I am out of work and thinking about it and was not too keen on the idea of going to a club at the moment. 

Also, about an hour before I got off work, Resika had messaged me as well. She mentioned that she was at “Fish” and that there was a group singing songs and it all seemed very comical and interesting. I was not sure about going to “Little Fish Huge Pond” either since I have not jogged around Cranes Roost in some time. But shortly after saying I would drop in a moment, I was messaged by Lillith saying that her husband and her were at a friends house of which they were having a potluck. Free food alone had caught my interest and so I messaged Yuki that I was rerouting for the evening and headed out to Winter Park for the potluck. 

I made it around 0016, I think, to the potluck in Winter Park. Everything seemed nice enough and mostly everyone was talking about something that was comical in someway or another. I was busy shoving my dinner into my mouth as well as enjoy what wings had remained. Lillith was sitting to my left and on her left was her husband, the both of them seeming to be having a great time. After a bit though, Lillith asked me if I wanted to have her spend the night with me Monday night since I had mentioned to her that I regretted letting her go home with her other partner. Not knowing really what to say at the moment, I simply replied “If that is what you want to do” and she seemed agitated by this answer. We got into a heated argument which lead to me speeding off away from her and the potluck. And as I was making my way to I4 to head home, I got another message from Eva.

At this point, I was already fairly heated from the fight I had had with Lillith. So I pulled off at the I4 exit for Altamonte Springs and started to try and find a quiet place to sit and relax. Unfortunately my anger and rage grew to be too much, and as is prone to an ADHD person, I exploded. This usually means that I send out a message that is not thought out, doesn’t make sense, and most of what I say are false words that I do not mean. I am simply overloaded with what I can handle and everything comes out and a toxic flood. 

Just as I was voice-to-text saying good night, my phone fell off of its mount and I reached down to grab it. And then a police car, which apparently pulled up behind me, turned on it’s lights and so I nervously and now full of even more anxiety, pulled over and shut of the lights to my truck and waited (hince why the “and i just got pulled over by the cops” bit was added. The APD officer seemed to know me and asked if I was okay. I explained to him that I was in a fight with my girlfriend and was just heading to one of the spots I go to to find peace and quiet to process my thoughts and to balance out. He advised me that I was going 60+ in a 45mph zone (did not realize I was going so fast since I was fishing to find my phone on the cabin floor of the truck. He took my liscense a moment then came back and handed my liscense back and said that had he ticketed me, I would have been looking at paying around $250+ for speeding. I thanked him and felt a little bit of relief knowing that he was just going to give me a warning. After that the officer asked how I was doing, how my father was, and a few various question that were not related to me speeding. We talked a moment longer before he returned to his car and drove off and I had turned around and started back towards I4. A moment later I get a call from Lillith’s husband saying that he wants me to stop and meet them somewhere. After finding out it was because the ‘meltdown’ message had not gone to my partners but to the partners of Lillith, I agreed and we met up at Cranes Roost to chat a moment. Her husband walked around and played Pokemon Go as Lillith and I calmly talked a bit. We came to a end with, what I hope, was a little more understanding and then I started on the way home. During this I sent out a final message for the evening to Eva.

And as I had said to her, I came directly home, got undressed and into bed. And wrote this entry. 

It was certainly not the ending to the night that I had hoped for. But I am sure things will work out and that a good day is just around the corner. 

Good night everyone and sleep well. I am yawning like crazy now and am bond to pass out soon. I hope my next entry will be a much more positive one cause this negativity that has been goign around is really eating at me. 

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

A wolf looking for a better moon (Part 2)

October 5th, 2018

So to continue. After I got up and the morning was seemingly the start of a better day. I got my shower and did what was needed then headed for work. As usual i would stop for my coffee and something small to eat and sat in a local area near my job to enjoy some music, scenary, and alone time. This is part of my way for prepping for the day. Work was amazing it seemed. The calls were simple, I had focus and concentration, and I was keeping my handle time down. Then it happened.. the last call of my evening was a woman calling about her child support account. First off, when someone calls in (no matter what benefits/programs that they are part of) They have to verify themselves for us to assist them since we work with government accounts. She stated that she already had called in six times that night and did not want to verify. I attempted to reason and explain to her why it was important for her to verify and eventually she started the process of me verifying her. First attempt, could not find her account. I tried to confirm the spelling of her first name and managed to get it correct, but her last name I could not understand her enough to accurately spell out. I could tell that she had me on speaker phone and requested that she took the call off speaker so that I could better hear her, and she refused. After a couple more failed attempts at trying to get her last name accurately, she threw a fit and demanded to speak to a supervisor. My team leader was nearby so I called him over, explained the situation to him, and then he took over the call. I am unsure what was discussed but eventually he handed the call back over to me and advised that I try to get her over to the disputes dept. That is fine and all... but that dept was closed. so for close to an hour I was sitting on hold for this woman because she did not want me to set up an appointment to have the dispute dept call her back. I looked to my Team Manager and spoke to him then pulled the woman off hold and flat out asked for a good contact number.. which she then provided. I sent the request for a call back and advised her that she would be contacted back by the dispute dept within the next 24hrs. She only slightly tried to fight back with me on it but I kept repeating until she finally accepted this and ended the call.  Because of the nature, attitude, and way that the woman had taken the whole thing way out of porportion, I had become furiously angry and even sent a sort of warning message to my partners. Then came the issue that Lillith, whom I was supposed to meet at Soundbar in downtown Orlando for a make up date night, was only going to be at Soundbar till 2200. This only fueled my anger more since this mean that by the time it took me to drive from Lake Mary to Deltona to get a shower and find something to wear then drive to downtown Orlando, she would be leaving. So through various conversation that also fueled my agitation and anger more, finally was told by Lillith that it is worth me making the trip out there. As I was driving out there, Resika messaged me stating that she see’s Lillith at Soundbar. I advised her she should take a moment and say “Hi” to her (in my mind this would be beneficial in getting the green light for me to initiate dating Resika if Lillith met her and got a face to the name). around 0018 I made it to downtown Orlando and parked in the garage. Lillith and I stopped at Soundbar for her to close her tab and then we went and grabbed a couple slices of pizza to eat. We returned then back to Soundbar and Lillith opened a tab and I grabbed my favored drink (Midori Sour) and I tried my best to calm and enjoy being next to Lillith and enjoy the music as well. I always wear a mask (silver skull like mask) when I go out to these sort of goth/punk events. Lillith looked to me a moment later and asked if I wanted her to go home and wait for me to arrive or if she could go home with her other partner, whom was attending the event as well. Not really thinking through about it, I told her she could go with him and so she did. After ordering two more drinks, and having some random woman claiming to be married to a member of the band Grendel had attempted to pull my mask off to see what I look like, I walked further into the bar and found a dark area to sit in and finish my last two drinks. Ater doing so, I felt my stomach churn and I ended up in the bathroom vomiting up at least one of those drinks (I think it was due to a combination of stress and alcohol that triggered it). I then walked past the grendel woman and stood by the exit of the bar a moment to make sure that I was okay. The grendel woman walked over and leaned against the wall next to me in silence for a moment. My mind instantly aware that she was up to something and wishing she would step the fuck off and not bother me. She sarted with some conversation of which I could not understand a fucking word she was saying, but I tried me best to make out the words she was saying for at least five minutes and then suddenly she reached out and grabbed my mask and tried to pull it off again (luckily my mask is secured by six connection points) and I pulled free and said she was was not special enough to see me without my mask on and walked out of the bar. As I crossed the street towards the parking garage that I had parked in, I pulled my mask and hood off and made my way to the truck. Once back to my truck I climbed inside and sort of rested with the driverside door open. I dressed down (taking my boots off to change for my shoes, hood off for my shirt) I started to try and make my way out of Orlando to head back to home. Seemed though that the OPD had most of the streets blocked off for seemingly no fucking reason other then to make everyone drive in fucking circles. I used an alternative route and made my way out of Orlando and eventually got home. I was trying to get ready for bed when Lillith’s husband walked in asking where Lillith was. I explained to him what had happened and that because of my shitty mood, I told her she could go home with her other partner. He seemed a little let down that she had not said anything to him about it. Finally I get to my bedroom, undressed, and laid in my bed thinking for a moment and realized that I had wished I told Lillith to come home instead of going to her other partner’s house. I was lonely suddenly. I tried to reach out to my other partner (I can’t remember if I made a name for her yet but for now on she will be referred to as Eva) to see if she was home. I received no replies from either Lillith or Eva. So I set my alarm to wake up for work and with a bit of sadness and emptiness I turned over and soon passed out. 

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

A wolf looking for a better moon

October 5th, 2018

Part 1:

So the night before last was not all that bad. I got out of work and went to my favorite local bar “Little Fish Huge Pond” and enjoyed a couple drinks. Even ran into the new potential partner of whom I will refer to as Resika. We enjoyed the evening a bit and shared a few drinks before I had to return home and get ready for work today. When I awoke I found that my mood was a bit better, especially since Lillith’s husband woke me up in a comdedic fashion. We had talked a bitt about her persepective of when they went to see the counsoler together and from his take on things he had made it seem that the consoler had told Lillith to improve upon how she plans out her schedule, if she hoped to maintain the marrage with her husband. I had not much to say really and found myself mostly just nodding my head since I was not fully awake yet. Eventually after a bit more conversing and joking around with Lillith’s husband, I got out of bed and got mymorning shower in. Afterwardss I got the recycling taken out, or most of it at least, and made sure that I had everything I needed before heading to work. Once sure that I had everything, I jumped into the Tacoma and started on a someone peaceful, but controlled, drive to work. I thought about the other night a moment when I had found a picture of a pet that had belonged to an ex-partner of mine (she will be referred to as Yuki) and that I had hoped that the picture of her pet that she had been so close to had brought her some sort of comfort. I also noted that there was a vehicle unknown to me in her driveway and the thought I had is that I hope she was being nutured and loved, and left with that thought also fleeting as I drove out of the neighborhood. I could not help but to relive some of the past memories that she and I had created and for a moment I smiled and then thought of my current partners and of the happy memories I have created with them so far. I find it interesting how life and fate works in times and how things always seem to go well as long as you do not go out of your way to mess it up. So back to today.. I am well known by those close to me to have a heavy foot when it comes to speed and driving. Not so much cause I feel rushed anymore, but more cause I enjoy the feeling of the vehicle going fast and the sound of the engine using even just part of its potential. But today.. I did my best to make sure that I did not go more then 5mph over the speed limits, unless it is for circumstances like people suddenly hitting their breaks and making me have to evade somehow to keep from smashing into them (gotta love those florida drivers). My first stop this morning was the starbucks in Heathrow to order myself a coffee so that I have some caffine in my system to help with my concentration. After which a stop at Chick-fil-a for a bite to eat before work. Once those two stop were completed, I drove over to Lake Mary town center and just sat and enjoyed the music I had playing (My name is Human by Highly Suspect. and a new song that Resika had send me today, Post Blue by Placebo. I found that at somepoint or another I had made it where both songs woud keep replaying after one another in my spotify. The morning seemed peaceful and like I was, for once after a few days of internalized hell, that I was ready to take on the day. There is more to this but I have to return to work... so be ready for Part 2.

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

Another night, another rough day...

October 4th, 2018

So today had a bit of a rough start so far. Waking up after a disturbing nightmare is certainly not a way that anyone would want to start their day. Nor would one ever want to wake up to messages from one of your partners with them telling you things that are not too positive in nature. Now, before I get into the details of the nightmare, understand that by heart and nature I all not a violent person. But I will certainly sacrifice life and limb to protect anything and anyone that I care for. The dream did not seem so bad in the beginning. It seemed to be in the time period of the 1920s (flapper girls and what nots). I was not myself but some man that was well built, wearing a suit, and judging be the reflection of a window roughly in mid 20s somewhere. Anyway, I knew something was wrong when the person in the dream looked down to check the chambers of the two revolvers he had to make sure they were loaded. He placed them into holsters that tucked into his coat of his suit and walked into what seemed to be a popular club with the 1920s sort of music playing, well detailed and stocked bar, and faces that seemed happy to see them, though I personally do not recall the people in the dream. The night seemed to be going well, the man I was in the head/eyes of seemed to enjoy a few cocktails with some other patrons. But after his third or fourth drink, he turned, pulled the revolvers out, and started to terminate the patrons of the club and bar with no hesitation and seemed both deadset on and enjoying the grim act he was commiting. During this I was still me inside his head/eyes and I could only think that there has to be someway that I can stop this lunatic from harming more people... and then I wake up. I was thankful that it was nothing more then a nightmare, but it left me shaken, a little agitated, and a bit disturbed. I got up though and got my shower, got dressed, and started on the morning task of emptying out the small trashcans throughout the home that I live in with one of my partners (for the sake of security I will for now on refer to her as Lillith), her husband, and their three children. My agitation was mild, at best, but I was functional and doing what needed to be done. But when I got into Lillith's office to empty the trashcan, I remember looking at her and feeling my agitation grow a bit, or perhaps it is anxiety that I am confusing for agitation, either way I empty the trash and on my way out of her office she had asked me if I was okay. For no reason at all a wave of anger flared up and I blurted out "No, I just want everyone to fuck off!" and exited her office. I made it about five steps away from the door of her office when I had stopped and realized that I was not mad at her, did not know why for just a few seconds I was full of rage, and swiftly turned around and poked my head back into her office and apologized and briefly explained to her that it was not her but for some reason I just suddenly felt angry. I left then to get into the truck and go down my mental checklist of things I need for work. I looked up at one point and noticed Lillith standing outside of the driverside door. I rolled down the window, we exchanged some words (nothing bad or harsh from what I think I remember) and then I left for work. On the way to work I could not help but noticed that I kept going through random waves of emotions (sadness, depression, neutral, angry, rage) I would dare say the full spectrum almost of what emotions a human could feel. After about an hour, my Adderall started to kick in and I started to calm down externally and somewhat beneath the surface. But in my core I still felt something similar to a violent storm going rampant. The day was okay from what I remember as far as work is concerned. Nothing too serious and most of the calls were fairly generic in nature. After work I left and went to Little Fish Huge Pond and worked on my photo edits and some of my coloring that I enjoy doing often. The day seemed fine from there and from what I remember, I ended up going home after a couple drinks and tried to get some sleep. It seems that every since the incident/accident that had happened the other day when a gold Lexus ran me off the road, I have been a bit unstable and I am not sure if it is that event that triggered how I am now, or if there is more going on internally besides the anxiety and ADHD. Luckily I have an appointment on the 10th to see my psyciatrist, so hopefully the medical logs I am keeping will give him some insight as to what might be going on. 

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

Another busy day for this wolf..

October 3rd, 2018

So tody has been alright for the most part. The beginning of the day was is boring as one could imagine. Get up, go down to the VA's office to request a copy of my DD-214, go do my shopping for the week for things to eat while at work, make sure my first partner's kids are picked up from school, and then went home to start some laundry. After all of this I get back home and decided to get a much needed extended shower and enjoyed the hot water running over me for a bit of time. Aftter that I started my first of two loads of laundy and enjoyed aa small amount of downtime. Then my partner and I had to get ready then to say goodbye to a good friend that has been a frequest face at the Momento Mori event that happens at Independent Bar once a month. So we all met together at Bikuri Sushi in Downtown Orlando for a goodbye dinner. After which, my first partner drove to Little Fish Huge Pond and I did to in the Tacoma. She got some sort of drink that may or may not be a beer, and I am sitting with her outside with a cider. Currently we are talking about her husband and how she feels about how things are going with them, which is not good, and it seems by the way that she is talking that things may be done between them. We talked about what would be done in the event that they devorce and she is going to have me move with her, which I figured would happen, and how things would be for the first few months. My thought is that I would have to figure out how the hell I am going to get to work if this event actually happened. Getting to my job would be quite difficult and that is a concern of my mine on a major level. But this could be my anxiety getting to me, who knows. It is hard to plan anything if there is nothing to solidify this as something that is actually going to happen. For now I need to focus on things in the now. Like getting home after I drink my second cider and switch my laundry. Getting at least five to six hours of sleep. And getting up and going to work tomorrow. I will have to just wait and see how the other things plays out.

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

The beginning

October 2nd, 2018

EDITED: October 6th, 2018

So greetings to one and all that find this "blog" of mine here on Tumblr. I thought, being that I have severe ADHD, am polyamorous, and now getting back into the BDSM lifestyle, that I would share my life here with all of you of Tumblr.

There are only a few basic things that I will share with you since I want to be as anonymous as possible:

1) I am between the ages of 25 and 35 years of age.

2) I really do suffer from ADHD to the point that I can not function as a person without meds

3) I have a bit of anxiety issues

4) I am polyamorous and currently have two out of three partners

5) I have taken a long hiatus from the BDSM lifestyle and currently getting back into it.

6) I have other hobbies such as art and photography, which I will happily share here in my 'blog'.

7) I welcome you all to ask any possible questions that you can think of as this 'blog' continues.

8) I am attracted to male and female anatomy (not that it really matters)

9) I will alter all of the names of those mentioned in this blog for the sake of security and privacy. I don't mind sharing my life, doesn't mean that my partners want to share theirs.

10) Feel free to share links to my blog. I would like to have as many readers as I can get.

I think that wraps up the introduction, Next post will be when I wake up!

Edited: Just to keep things in correct order of naming. These are the people that have been mentioned in my blog so far by their ‘made up’ names. Will update as this list continues:

Lillth = Primary partner. Nesting Partner. I live with her, her husband, and their three children

Eva = Partner. Live one street over from me and has two adorable pups

Resika = Potential third partner. We seem to get along quite well and I am trying to find a good moment for her to meet Lillith and Eva.

Yuki = Ex Primary and Nesting partner. Friends and stil emotionally connected to her on a minor level

Kalypso = Old friend from Bulgaria that I used to run around with as a teenager. We recently found each other again on Facebook and have been catching up and chatting quite a bit.