poemsbypresmei

[poemsbypresmei]

A day before I turned 19, I wrote a letter to myself. A year and a day later, I opened it. This is that letter:

July 28, 2019

Dear Kyla Presmei,

Happy 20th Birthday! Time flies, doesn’t it? Don’t be confused by the dates. In case you forgot, this is both your 18-year-old (and soon to be 19-year-old self) wishing you love, joy, and happiness - wherever you are.

When you read this, you’d probably be in college now. Whatever school and program you’re in, I hope you’ll find your passion and calling in there. Just keep on moving forward, okay? I know the journey to be where you are now wasn’t easy. We both had to undergo difficulties and challenges to grow and become who we are today. So, when it feels too much, remember where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. Your family will always be here for you. God will always be here for you. I will be too.

I hope you’d see or think of me fondly, despite all of the flaws I’m sure you’re very aware of. After all, we wouldn’t be who we are without the Kyla’s, the Presmei’s, the KP’s, and the Nene’s in the past. I know it’s still a struggle to love me, to love us, and to embrace our being completely and openly. I’ve struggled with insecurities, self-doubt, and self-loathing. I cried myself to sleep wondering the purpose and meaning of my existence.

Let me tell you something I realized just in the last hours of my existence: you don’t need to have everything figured out. You don’t need to fear failure because failure is not the opposite of success; it is an integral part of it. It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re imperfect, and you’re only human, and yet, you’re a beautiful, wonderful being full of compassion, sincerity, and love. It’s okay to be both.

Kyla Presmei, thank you for being strong for both of us. Thank you for continuing to be kind, even when life makes it more difficult. When you did something good; when you made a difference in the lives of others and no one knows, I do. More importantly, He does. Thank you for trying your best to be an obedient, loving, understanding daughter. Your friends may not tell you this, but know they’re blessed to have you.

I write this letter because I know you know few rarely do. There are words and wishes you wish to hear from others, but you never receive them. I would argue that perhaps, there is no better person to console and understand your innermost thoughts than yourself.

So, Kyla, if you’re still here, I want you to know I believe in you. Even when you’re at your lowest point, and you’ve sat front row watching all your mistakes and wrong decisions play in real-time, I trust in you. You have the capacity to leave a lasting impression in this world. Let me help you realize it.

Before I wrap up this letter, I’d like to share with you some reminders and well-wishes that transpired within this year to make you feel nostalgic/loved/inspired:

· Your 18th Debut Celebration was one of the best, unforgettable nights of our life. Many cried. Your family and close friends were there in attendance. You sang your original songs “Regina” and “Stand Up.”

· Grade 11 took you (technically) two years but hey, we made it! HUMSS in [redacted Senior High School] was particularly interesting. The first semester was an adjustment period after six months of uncertainty. You made new friends and learned so many things. You’re in a much lively and happier place than before. DL too!

· Writing workshops brought you to the hot seat. You emerged a better writer out of it.

· Your set of close friends are [redacted names to protect their privacy]. I hope there’ll be more (not less), and I hope you’re still on good terms with them.

· Avengers Endgame was awesome.

· Kerygma Conference was eye-opening.

· Your last day as an 18-year-old girl was spent cooking spaghetti (for the first time), and other dishes, and spending time with your parents in [redacted place]. You ate a buffet courtesy of [redacted name of person] (whom you just met!)

There’s more I could have included but have forgotten due to sleepiness (Yeah).

But Kyla, at the end of the day, I hope you’re a happier, more fulfilled person. The right people will come at the right time. The right opportunity will reveal itself when you need it most. And remember:

You’re so much more than warm and kind-hearted, you’re a beautiful person. And for that, I celebrate you on your birthday. (Hallmark; “Between You and Me”)

Again, Happy Birthday.

I love you.

Yours truly,

KP @ 18/19

[poemsbypresmei]

To the Silence

You who come in the rain on a summer day and leave broken stars in the night; You who dance in unsaid words, and untold deeds, and sweaty palms, and shaking feet; You who sing in curtains closed, and corners filled, and open tears the evening hides; You whom I know, what I feel, whom I fear, what I lie; You who try to choke my breaths, my voice, my soul, myself-

You give me courage.

[poemsbypresmei]

In doubt, look up.

Today the sun grinned, and the wind laughed at my face. They said I looked so sad, so empty, for a day so bright. They said my eyes hold rain, but the clouds chattered by, so there was nothing to fear, nothing to hide.

I asked why do they care, and the ground shook its head. They said they know me, for it too, was aching. But they said I need to let go, like rivers and streams; I need to be free like the trees that dance. They said I should allow myself to laugh at myself, just as the fire cackles and the streets mock themselves.

So I asked them why do they mind and the stars blinked in despair. They said they were old and weary, yet still, they shine. They said they are my friends, and I am guided by them; even the darkness knows it matters inside.

Now they ask why do I ache, and hold the sea in my heart. I said water gives me life, but the waves swallow me whole. I said I am too caring, too sensitive, too eager, but too weak; if I am made from dust how else could I be strong?

They all turned to me- the heavens, the oceans, the mountains, and the leaves; they all turned to me and smiled.

"You are one of us," they said. "You are made with us. If not, how else could you live?"

I found their answer lying within.

You are stronger than you believe.

[poemsbypresmei]

You are not okay.

You know you will get better – and things will get better, and you will be okay.

But you are not okay.

No, it hurts. There's a hand pressing down your mouth; there's a cry wrenching through your skin and you realize – it's you. You are glass shattered. You are sky broken. You are rusty nails and drowning, shallow breaths. You are bare and clothed, empty and full, and the ache in your chest and the burning of your heart-

-and it hurts. It hurts, and hurts, and hurts, and you don't know even why. You know why you are hurting, but you don't know why it hurts so much. It should not be this much.

But it's there. It's there, and it's as real as the nest of your hair, the folds of your thighs, and the bile you try to swallow down your throat. It's as real as the stubborn chill that clings to your clothes. You feel you should be stronger, better, because you know what they say, and what they think, and what they feel isn't as worse as you've imagined. In the end, no matter who they are, they don't matter.

But you cannot stop it. You cannot hold it down. You're still crying, and it still hurts and you just feel-

so,

so,

so,

down.

Here, in this very moment, you are down, and you cannot seem to get up because your bones shake, and your soul aches, and it hurts. It hurts so much. You don't think you deserve to even feel this way.

But listen- listen to the voice that comes from deepest parts of you. Listen as it says – it's okay. It's okay to feel this way. Listen to the voice that makes you human because you; you live, and you are one of a kind. You are different, and special, and not like the rest, and it's okay. Even if it doesn't feel that way, let me tell you: it's okay. You deserve happiness, and friendship, and peace, and love – you deserve all of these so, so much. In doubt, look back to the moment when you made someone smile; look back to the times when you held a hand, when you breathed laughter, and salty air. Look back to when you saw the pain of others, and tried to tell them:

you are not alone,

you will get through this...

...you will be okay.

See, this hurt? The hurt that you breathe, you feel, you wear around your skin? That makes you human. That makes you feel. But it doesn't make you. It doesn't define who you are. It doesn't dictate what you can be. Only you could. Only you – beautiful, selfless, hurting soul whose mind and heart feels heavy. Only you could.

You are not okay and you will be – soon. One day. You know this. You will get through this. But know that even in the darkest, loneliest, nights; even in our most broken, ugly pieces:

It's okay to feel this way.

It's okay not to feel okay.

[poemsbypresmei]

It is dark.

The night is long, the breeze is cold and you are here- awake. The day has long called itself but still you are here, lost in your thoughts; in the silence. Everyone else is fast asleep.

You see, never in your wildest dreams; never in the moments you allowed your mind to wander did you ever imagine you’d end up like this. But here you are. Here you are. You cried, you smiled and yes- you felt heavy. But now, you feel light. Now you can think. Now, you can embrace the silence, and soon, yourself.

I know it’s hard. It’s hard to make change. It’s hard to make a choice. You’ve been here before because you live. But then, it isn’t easy. It was never easy.

Here, you stand between crossroads. The future branches out; its ends are unknown and words- words could only do so much. You are not alone but the final say is all your own.

So breathe. Don’t rush. Take all the time you need. Let the stars fill your lungs; let the night wrap your skin. Let your values guide your path. Let borrow wisdom light your way. Close your eyes, if you must, and allow yourself to be still. Be free.

When you’re ready- be it today, tomorrow, one day- when that day comes; do it. Open your eyes. Embrace your choice as you had embraced yourself. Then, take a step; a stride towards what you choose. Move forward, with no regrets.

If by chance, you fail- let the bruises teach you something. Let the struggle tell your story. But do not allow despair become your ending. Never succumb to its call. Instead, look how far you’ve come- and look where you can go.

And yes! Let the ache speak in screams. Let the sorrow sigh in tears.

But let it go.

Set it free.

Do not bury it beneath your heart.

And then, move on. Live.

But if, by chance, you succeed- let the scars be one of triumph. Let it remind you of your strength. You have survived, and thus, in your own right- you are a champion. You are victorious. But don’t forget to look back from where you’ve come. Remember those who stayed, and those who helped along the way. Thank them, and express your gratitude in your words, in your ways; in your smile. Raise your head up high, but never forget to plant your feet on the ground.

Then, grow.

Live, for it is dark, and the night is long but now you see the light it hides. Now, you see it shine.

Now, you know you shine.

You can do this.

You will get through this.

  You will be okay.

[poemsbypresmei]

Hello there! Would by chance be open to someone purchasing a pair of poems you've written from you as the beginning prompt for the backstory of some characters? Thank you!

Hello! Could you clarify what “purchasing” means? Does this involve money, or a trade off of sorts? If it’s for a prompt as a backstory of some characters I don’t think I need to be paid in some way. Just cite my poems and the author (presmei) as the inspiration and I would be totally fine with it. Thanks, and have a nice day!

[poemsbypresmei]

Today is a bad day.

Today, you feel you have reached rock bottom, the last straw, the final thread. Your arms are heavy, your legs are stiff and your heart is frozen as your eyes blur with tears. For once, you allow yourself to let go. You cry. You cry, and you ask yourself- why?

No one answers –and here, you feel - you are on your own.

Here you think – this is the end.

But you are here. You are here. You exist, and here you are- breathing. Here you are, and look how far you’ve come. Look how much you’ve grown.

You see, heartaches, disappointments, failures, and despair- they’re part of the battles we fight between ourselves. They hurt us; yes, they sink through our bones and tear us apart right into our very souls. But remember: it all comes down a choice. It is always our choice.

Yes, there are certain things we couldn’t stop from happening. There are situations that arise that we couldn’t control. But remember: we still have a choice. Though it is easy to pick the obvious and the easy (to fall down, to give up, to let the darkness swallow us whole) – there’s still another way. There’s still another choice:

Live.

Live, not just “move on,” because moving on only suggests going somewhere else.

Live, and by living, take moments of grief and sorrow as an opportunity to reminisce, and remember. Live, and by living, teach yourself to accept the trials life throws in the way, and turn it into something far much more, and greater than we could ever imagine.

Live, for only then we could learn. What is forever gone may mean the loss of more, but never could they erase the moments that made you think. Never could they steal the moments that made you feel. Neither time nor death could rob the moments that allowed you to see, gave you the opportunity to know, and even more- understand.

So I urge you, in this moment of darkness: stand up. In this moment of despair, fight back. Don’t give up. You are worthy of life, of living, and there’s so much in store. There are bad days, but there are also happy days, funny days, and weird, random, out-of-this world days. There are better days. Things will get better. You will get better.

Heartaches, disappointments, failures, and despair- they’re part of the battles we fight between ourselves, and they will always be a part of it. But while they can hurt us, sink through our bones, and tear us apart right into our souls – if we so choose- we could use them to put us back together. We could become whole. That is, the broken pieces that form the imperfect yet beautiful creatures we already are.

So for every time you feel hopeless, and alone, every time you wonder whether to keep go on, remember:

You matter.

You exist.

You are here.

You live.

[poemsbypresmei]

Here- in the empty spaces of my heart, I took myself apart with words I did not say, nor use, to speak of the self-inflicted pain, and that heaviness in my chest, and the days I found courage in the darkest places.

where we are [2/20/18] by Presmei

[poemsbypresmei]

Today, I have made a decision [Long Post]

Hello. I know. It’s been a while. I’m not even sure if you guys are still here. After all, it’s been months since my last post. Usually I’d say school took the toll out of me, but this time, it really got serious. 

[TW: Descriptions on depression and anxiety. Read more under the cut]

So first- background. I am a student of a special science high school in my country. Our education system is different from other schools and is more challenging than others. I’ve been struggling with my subjects for a long time, mathematics and anything STEM in particular. Why study in a special science high school then, you might ask? I wanted to know which field I was good at, and it turned out to be none of the above.

 As the years went by, the work became tougher and tougher, and thus, it became harder and harder to cope. There comes a point when you receive so many below passings that you become numb to it. I was different from my peers in more ways than one, and I felt it. I was the outlier. I had friends, but there were times when I would fell a heaviness in my chest, and a sinking feeling that would take hours to end. There were times when I rather wallow in the silence. I didn’t understand why I felt that way, and I thought it was one of my many “mood swings.” I wanted it to go away and so I ate. I wrote - and sometimes, I sang.

I didn’t know it at that time but they were all symptoms of depression.

It is worth noting though, that my grades are actually passable, and I’ve been pressuring myself because of...well, myself. My family were very supportive, and never pushed me to have high grades, or stuff like that. I grew up in a loving environment, and I am very close with my parents. As I grew up, I learned to love so many things, and so many beings - both fictional and not. But somehow through the years, I forgot to love myself. 

The last few months of 2017 were tough on me. I felt physically, and mentally exhausted. I was doing the best I could and yet, the hard work didn’t seem to pay off. I still struggled. I still failed. I was getting more and more frustrated. I told myself I wasn’t enough. I called myself so many harsh, negative names in my head. So when I found out what my peers said behind my back - all the names they call me, and hurt words they said-  it was the last straw. 

It added fuel to the fire.

This January, I started to feel recurring headaches that would vary in time length, and intensity. Sometimes it felt like someone poking inside out your forehead, other times it was this dizziness akin to motion sickness except the world stand still, and everything is as clear as it can be. After a low bp scare and no signs of the headache stopping, I was admitted to the hospital for a few days.  My vital signs and lab results turned normal. I was told what I had was tension headache- most likely due to stress, and lack of sleep. I was advised to consult other doctors.

And here we are.

It’s been more than a month since I last entered the classroom. I am feeling better mentally and emotionally wise but I have to stop school for the rest of the semester to fully recover. I hope to take modules at home so I could finish my grade level regardless. Whether that happens or not is subject for final decision by the school administration. I take medication, and I experience anxiety attacks, and bouts of depression from time to time.

No, I am not clinically depressed - yet. What I have, technically, is burnout. It has been defined as “mental collapse due to over fatigue or stress.” It isn’t episodic but rather, situational. But as my neurologist tells me, unless I get help, it could lead that way.

To be honest, I don’t know why I am breaking the silence. I don’t know why I feel compelled to write the deepest, rawest parts of me here- in a site of semi-anonymity for everyone else to see, to judge. What I do know is this:

There are people who, no matter how much I write, will see me for my flaws. There are people who, no matter how much I speak, will criticize me for the words that come out of my mouth.There are people who, no matter how much I feel, will never care to hurt or question my worth. Then, there will be days when I see that way, will act, and feel that way - and all the good, beautiful things will seem so far away.

But what I’m beginning to understand is this:

Write anyway.  Speak anyway.

Feel anyway.

No matter what battles you face, you still matter, and deserve love, anyway.

It’s all a matter of choice.

Starting today, I will be more active in posting poems and prose I have written in the past few months, and will write, in the future. Not all of them are pretty, and not all of them are sad, and aching. But they’re all real. They all come from the heart. I haven’t thought of a fixed schedule yet nor what to write, specifically. It is my hope that through this, not only will I try to learn to love myself. I hope that somewhere, someone might read them and feel they are not alone, and they are loved too.

I may keep on fighting and falling, but starting today, I choose to move forward. I may wake up uncertain,  but starting today, I choose to be unafraid. I will not let anyone stop me from reaching the peak of my dreams - not even myself.  

Today, I choose to live.

Thank you for reading all through the end. I wish you the best of health, and better days. 

Until then,

Presmei

[poemsbypresmei]

Science is not for those who truly know; it is for the beautiful uncertainties- it is for us: who we've been what we may be, and

where, could we could possibly go.

- presmei, Science is for the people

...

Featured artwork made by my talented classmates for our Science, Math and Technology week celebration. Likes and reblogs are very much appreciated. Thank you! 😄

[poemsbypresmei]

How You and I Met

they ask me when did I know you and I are scissors and tape, band-aid and wound, coconut trees bound in typhoons we stood? when did I learn you and I are starlight and rain, needle and thread, and bitterness kissing salty bread?

I realize I do not know when; I do not know when your name became synonymous to my waking days, it was all a daze; I only know how you and I became more than you and I from the moment you cast your fears to the sea that very first time, and when I wrote my tears in the skies-

you replied.

@darkrunsout 

[poemsbypresmei]

Love is not in forbidden hills Parched dry red against thyself; Love is not in hollow caves Often filled by someone else; Look, far and beyond And then, within

Love does not grow in empty forests

[poemsbypresmei]

Hey everyone! So yes, I'll be here on my first zine fest. My short poetry collection, To Fathom in the Sleepless Night, will be on sale here. If you happen to be in Iloilo city or within area in these dates, please check out this event. There will be around forty of us (I bet I'm the youngest HAHA), in addition to watercolor workshops and a public lecture given by a writer and literature professor. Thanks again and have a nice day!

[poemsbypresmei]

Hi, I like your poems and I would to see a poem about how ugly stars are. And I use the term ugly very loosely not specifically in its physical aspects. (^.^)

Okay this is has been a very interesting writing experience since I love stars. But challenge accepted. :D

- presmei

when I look intothe cracked nightand its empty lightsplinteredacross the indifferent sky,they remindthis broken soulof the hollownessit feels inside.they tell mei am nothing butinfinite dust;endless sandthat wouldn't lastin the seas of time,but alas, this is****** life

- ugly stars

[poemsbypresmei]

do you see  all the things i can be  that i am not for i am me? in this life so unsure, it shouldn't be suprising i am insecure for we are all bound by beauty  we do not own

-and my body has betrayed my soul

[poemsbypresmei]

My stomach screams in hunger, But my feet has tipped the scale and so I swallowed empty air and bitter tears instead.

Lunch

[poemsbypresmei]

I may carry it in my name but it is not enough; sometimes I need to see the sun's goodbye to find the courage to end, and remind myself we always win when we begin anew.

-when things happen

 30m photoshop sketch. It’s been a rough day.