piercetheheavenswithyoursou-blog
Believe in Yourself!
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Regret
In the three years since high school, I have noticed a change in myself that scares me. Without fail, every opportunity I get, whether earned or given, I have fucked up. College, my relationship with my high school girlfriend, college again, work, and now being able to spend time with both of my grandfathers before they died. My paternal grandfather passed away while I was back for Christmas my freshman year. I had been back for a week and my mother told me to go visit and I didn't. Sunday at mother's side Christmas he passed away. I felt like an utterly worthless piece of trash. I couldn't even go talk to my grandfather when he was on his deathbed. I couldn't bring myself to face my grandmother. All I wanted was a chance to say goodbye and it was my own fault that I didn't get the chance. Fast forward to this week. I had just been at State Track as a coach and I was spending time with the parents of my athlete that made it on to State. They were close friends of my maternal grandparents and we laughed and shared stories about them. I got home and was ready to go down and sit down with my ailing 63 year old grandfather; however, that isn't what I did. I put it off thinking, "he won't die today." And sure enough at 2:30 am on Wednesday, June 7th I hear my mother fly down the stairs. She tells me, "there is an emergency at grandma and grandpas. We are going down there, you wait here." So I waited. Then I heard the rescue squad. I got up and grabbed my shoes. As I walked to the door my parents returned to tell me that Grandpa had had a heart attack and he wasn't breathing. It didn't look good and he was probably gone. They told me they were leaving for the hospital and that if I wanted to come I could. I left a few minutes after they did. It was the longest drive to the hospital I had ever had to do. Once, I got there I walked into the emergency room and I saw Grandpa lying there. He had been declared deceased as his wishes had been against being on life support. We sat there in that emergency room for 3 hours. The whole time the only thing going through my head was why. Why him, why now, why didn't I get to say goodbye, why didn't I go visit him sooner. That last why was the moat painful. I had had the opportunity I chose to fuck up. I chose to not go visit. I put it off. I miss him so much but I feel like I have no right to mourn. I didn't take the chance to spend some time with him before he passed. I failed him as a grandson and that is what hurts the most. He was the greatest man I knew. Tough as nails even with his body i the shape it was. He wasn't afraid to tell anyone off, he always did what he wanted, and he didn't take shit from anyone. He was a monolith before me that I couldn't ever live up to. I just hope someday I will be able to do something that would make him proud of me. Sorry for the long post if you happen to find this. I needed a place to vent where nobody would really see. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. All I gotta do is think of what he would say if he saw me like this right now. He would tell me to quit bawling, man up, and move on. I'm sorry grandpa.
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I've had people ask me why I am so obsessed with my cat. Well tbh the reason is he is the only one who can really tell when I am feeling down or having a bad day. He keeps me grounded and I worry whenever he starts having health issues because I don't know what I would do without him...
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PLEASE THOUGHTS… I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP FOR 5 HOURS NOW… I DON’T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME HOW MUCH OF A FUCK UP I AM RIGHT NOW
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Sousei no Onmyouji (Twin Star Exorcists)
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☆ Midoriya Izuku ☆
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Reasons to watch/read Noragami: THESE ARE THE SAME PERSON
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