pichayatanapon

[pichayatanapon]

06.19.21. Hello, Goodbye.

This is going to be my last blog post here. My name is Regie C. Rosete, 20 years old and a sophomore of Bachelor of Science in Psychology. Reminiscing the days wherein I was unsure of what college major I should pursue and which university I should go to and looking at where I am now still gave me a light feeling in the stomach that destiny is really unpredictable and full of surprises. I never thought of taking Psychology to major in college. I always wanted to be a Flight Attendant, or even a Nurse for the sake of my late cousin whom I am never close to nor talk to, but was someone I always admire and look up to. Whatever place he is now, I hope he’s in good hands and happy. 

Way back 2019, I was so troubled and undecided. I went to Davao to have my dream of becoming a Flight Attendant, but changed my mind along the way because the thought of being away with my family and friends was something I couldn’t bare as an eighteen year old teen. Back then, I was also attached to a person emotionally and I went back because I couldn’t also live my life away from him. I was head over heels to that person but upon returning here in Moncada, a place where I grew up, made me think that a person like me is not someone good for him. I was depressed, my weight was deteriorating and I couldn’t sleep at night always wondering everything that is wrong with me and why I am suffering. I thought those were just parts of being an adolescent wherein everything was so confusing. When I returned, my family happily welcomes me back and my friends gave me all their warmest hug. Sooner, I made a decision that impacted my life for the most painful thing I have ever felt. 

I broke someone’s heart. 

Without explanation, without being rational as my emotions get through me and had already convinced myself that my life is messy and I just need a breather to sort things out; I broke someone’s heart.

I regretted that. I spent the summer of 2019, curled up in my room with a blanket covered my body, my eyes were sore as tears weren’t coming out of my eyes anymore. I was tired and mad at myself for thinking that when I ended things with him, it would give me a chance to grow and breathe. 

What happened is that I keep on pursuing that person as I try to clear everything between us but that never happened. I got tired of trying and clowning myself into thinking that maybe there’s a chance for me to be loved by him again. I never questioned if he truly loved me or just went by with my feelings, but it was too late for me to realize that I knew love...I wasn’t just able to see through that.

I went ahead to take up a scholarship examination at UCU where some of my friends also decided to go. I passed it but I absent-mindedly wrote Psychology in my registration form and because of my curiosity, went ahead and enrolled it. 

My life took a change when I met my college friends. Also because of the way I’m giving negative impressions to others, I remain seated at one corner until they invited me to go with them. I am happy to say that I am still friends with them up until now. 

Back in high school, I never exercised my willingness to participate as I always let other kids who are way smarter than me do all the things. In college, I never knew I was able to lead, to be initiative, and that I used my knowledge on things to share to others. I never knew I was this helpful and kind and this made me realize that I am capable of doing things--even before--but my shyness always got the best of me. 

Choosing Psychology made me discover the things I can do and how I am improving day by day.

I learned to be grateful in everything I have and to share what I can because even a little help can make an impact in one person’s life. 

I learned that it’s okay to not be okay as there are days where it feels so cloudy and rainy. There is no need to pretend that everything is fine, and accept that vulnerability because we all feel negative some times. Let these adversities, problems, or whatever they are hindering us in search of happiness to be a stepping stone and learn from it to be able to grow as a person.

To be honest, I was still into that person. Leaving him messages addressed to the fire. He never responded to me and I said to myself that I’ve had enough and if he’s not yet ready to hear my apology, then give him the time. If he’s not thinking about me, that’s fine with me. The biggest thing I learned is that we can always forgive, but reconciliation is not always guaranteed.

There’s no need for us to reconcile again. I forgive him for letting my hand go and not fighting for us. Most importantly, I already forgive myself for the things I’ve done in the past. Life is short and I don’t want to live with any regrets. It was all in the past and letting it control my present will never let me move forward.

Two years passed, I am doing well. At 20, there is no need for me to rush things. Yes, there are still negativities that persists such as having the problem about my own self-image, being insecure with my body and flaws, also comparing my life to my old high school batchmates. I may not have a dean’s lister certificate, I may be still living with my parents, I may not have a business yet, or a stable income entering my non-existing bank account, but when I look back at everything I encountered and surpassed are something worth celebrating even if they can’t amount to a price. 

I am grateful that I discovered more about me and happy that I learned to appreciate even small things. I am thankful for the friendships that stayed and for the love I received. I may not be emotionally attached, or something for the world to see but not everything in me is worth seen by the public. 

I don’t post about it but I’m happy with my grades. Even no one is supporting me truly, I am happy that I am able to sing, dance, write stories. I enjoy cooking. I like doing houseworks. I don’t think I am a lonely person when the rain comes and the world is silent. My life may be calm as a sea but chaotic when the storm comes. Most importantly, I acknowledge my existence and know my purpose. I entered Psychology for a purpose and when the right time comes, I am always ready to serve what I am meant to be in this world full of troubles.

Life is beautiful.

[pichayatanapon]

06.18.21. Strange Dream

A strange dream I had last night to the same place I am always stuck. A road beneath the road if that make sense? There were bad guys running after me with a child I am not familiar to. I was holding that child’s hands as we ran but somehow at one point, the bad guys took me and I woke up. I am still wondering until now why I dreamed of that place again. As if I was in a fantasy-dystopian world. What happened to that child? I hope that he/she is fine and is in safe hands. What a strange dream but there’s no need for me to conclude its meaning. 

Thinking about it scares me. 

Earlier today, my mom rummaged through my dad’s old clothing--which are all oversized to me---and as I wore one, I never felt to so comfortable in my entire life. The reason was because I’m too self-conscious about my body that I need to hide it so I can look slimmer when going out. I simply like oversized clothes and I am not ashamed to admit that most of my clothes were hand-me-downs. 

[pichayatanapon]

06.17.21. Finals what? I choose to chill.

Good thing that this semester (WHAT A HELL YEAR) is finally going to end in a week. Finally able to give myself a time to breath-- as if I am not breathing literally-- but I needed to take a break from everything. I’ve been planning to deactivate my social media since I became toxic by sharing stuffs that could be inappropriate to some, but fuck their values we are all hypocrites! I want to invest on my mental health since I got to feel insecure about my body a lot--just uninstalled instagram and twitter-- and facebook where everyone is competing to be the funniest troll. 

This semester is about to end and we’ll be third years soon. It was a hellish journey. Was it worth it? In some parts, but I have also the same sentiments as to other students who wanted to have a safe back to school in the following school year. 

To think that I never had anything proud to flex on social media. I am not a dean’s lister but I have good grades. I don’t even post about my scores on everything but inside me, I want to do that as well. I want to show off what I can do but still decided to be private about it. Let’s say I am that person whom you see in your newsfeed constantly sharing stuffs randomly but never posted anything personally. I am a private person but I want to have something for the world to see.

Anatomy exam tomorrow, my brain cells are so dumb they choose to sleep. I’ll be third year, still thinking thoroughly if Psychology is for me. I am not as empathic as others. I can draw a line between apathy and sympathy but I know how to care I’m not just very vocal about it. Maybe a pat in the back will do? 

[pichayatanapon]

06.16.21. Father’s Day.

This is my dad, the one who always listen to my rants about school life since I don’t have any things to talk about rather than that. Someone who believed in me, someone who is proud to have me as his son and as time goes by, I learned to be unapologetic of my sexuality and gender orientation because my father--whatever and whoever I am--will love me because I am his son even the world is going to be upside down. I am happy and thankful that he is my father and I love him with all of my heart. 

Thank you for everything Daddy. Wala pa akong nararating sa buhay proud na proud ka na sa akin. What more pa kaya kung nakatapos na ako ng pag-aaral. Daddy, I may not assure to have a stable life but I do aspire that. I may not be the best in everything that I do, but I assure you everyday I am doing my best to make my life worth living. Sorry if there are things I couldn’t say to you, it will just worry you but whatever my life is years from now; I won’t have any regrets and happy with the things I do because there is someone who is proud of what I become. That’s you and Mama. 

Finals are about to be done in a week or so, thank you for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. I love you so much.

[pichayatanapon]

06.14.21. Start new.

After almost a year of just having my hair carefully trimmed and grew in length, I find the courage to cut it all again. First thing, it’s hot in here! But jokes aside, I finally come in terms that things in the past will no longer return to the way they were before. After two years of pursuing a love not destined for me, locking my heart the chance to open up again into someone better, the nights I spent crying and blaming myself and angered with regret, I finally break free from my shackles and forgive myself and accept that the love was already gone the moment I released it in my hands. 

I may not be forgiven by him but I no longer mind it. The stars knew how much I apologized but there was no reply. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconnection but I hope one day he’ll come to terms of the possibility of forgiving me even when there’s no need for me to hear it. 

Acceptance is the key to move on. There are a lot of things I need to fix in order to feel better, but small steps of walking away from something and someone that is not meant for me made me feel a lot better than I was yesterday. 

[pichayatanapon]

06.12.21. Independence day. A dedication to the woman who gave me freedom to live.

I love you Mama. Thank you for loving us unconditionally. I realized how important I was to you when I got really sick and my life was on the line. You who stayed by my side when the world was shutting its light on me gave me hope that I must fight and continue. Thank you and I’m sorry for everything. There are days when I am being so unclear and mad about the world and I feel like no one really understands me, but I appreciate your effort to understand what’s wrong with me even if you don’t show it. I feel that whatever a person I am, you will still love me.

Everything I do is for our family, but please don’t be too strict on me. Allow me to live my life the way you gave me the freedom to live in this world so cruel and unfair.

I love you with all my everything.

[pichayatanapon]

05.17.21. Time

I’ve been singing the lyrics from a song called “It Might Be You” by Stephen Bishop. The way the words of the lyrics are beautifully put together created a sense of nostalgia as I listen to it. Time is fast, slipping in our fingers but it is sure going along as we grow in this world with the lessons of the pasts created by whether beautiful or ugly memories that made us the person we are in the present. I am afraid thinking about how our clocks are mysteriously ticking without the knowledge when will it end and I feel like I have more things to do. A day will come that my time will stop but time never stops for anyone of us, but as we are here, alive, time may be short for us but not when we do worthwhile things full of passion and love. 

[pichayatanapon]

05.14.21. Not an insult to my name.

The grades I got this semester are the fruits of my labor. Getting good grades are not to brag about, but to show my parents my dedication that I can get to my goal someday. I am happy to know how proud my dad is for me. Both of my parents are my strength and I know that one day, all their efforts will be paid when they see me succeed in life. By means of success, I want to be happy with my life. My dad can finally say how awesome his son is and how proud he is to have a son like me instead of hearing insults associated to my name because of my gender orientation. 

I am gay but even when people around me will use that to insult and degrade me, that won’t limit how I control my life. I have my free will and I lead my life with my full autonomy. I am gay but I am still a son who makes his parents proud by getting good grades to shape a better future waiting for me years from now. I am gay and that is the person that I am. To tell to every person laughing behind my back, I don’t need your talk shits. Being gay is not an insult to me anymore. 

I am my own person figuring out life and the first step is to make my parents proud. 

[pichayatanapon]

05.05.21. The way I want to be appreciated.

I am glad I passed my anatomy exam today and got a decent score on my positive psychology quiz. I was stressed...for not doing anything to elevate the stress...and I am still feeling stressed because more exams are coming. I am not a celebratory person but I am glad I am able to tell someone how my scores are and make them proud of me because that is something I am proud about. I don’t even posts my achievements but in doing well with my studies I hope that someone would take the effort to look beyond me as my eyes are meant to look at him. 

[pichayatanapon]

05.03.21. Comfort

I’m tired with all of these sleepless nights, with all of my self-criticisms, with all of the insecurities and the the things I can do but can not. I am tired of dealing with everything within me and I can’t even say it to others, not with my friends or my parents. I am tired of me so as my cat cuddles on my lap, I asked why she likes to sleep going towards me as if it’s comfortable and pleasing. I want to be a cat in my next life if that exists. The way I am stressed with my goals not being aligned, with worries about how hard life could still get as years pass by, the way my cat seeks comfort with me somehow eases the heavy feelings inside me. 

If only she realizes how lonely I must have feel. 

[pichayatanapon]

05.01.21. The first man I love

Today we remember and appreciate our family who works to give us a good life, to provide for all our needs even if they need to live far away for the sake of us. I want to thank my dad who works overseas to provide our education, to give everything we need and who works tirelessly to secure our future. Everything I do, the grades I am earning, the subjects that I am passing are all dedicated to his efforts. Maybe it’s the least I can do for now and I hope that if I graduate on time and live my own life as an adult, I hope he returns to us. I want to feel his presence too in our family. I am twenty and I only seen him for about seven years of my life. He never saw me grow, he never attended any special day that happened in my life. There are many opportunities I wished he had seen but I felt grateful for everything I do he is always supportive. I love my dad and I wish I could say these words to him but I know my relationship with him is not as close as other fathers are to their child, he is always the one included in my prayer. His safety, his health, his wellbeing.

[pichayatanapon]

04.30.21. Quiz for today is rest.

I was anxious this morning because again, it’s Friday and Psych stats period. Supposedly we were going to have a long quiz, and turned out that the quiz is for us to take a rest, assess our mental health, re-align our goals in life and enjoy without worrying too much with these school requirements we are complied to do. I was glad that Ma’am actually cared for us despite all of the flooding activities and how difficult it is to understand the things that are needed to be comprehended. 

My eyes are getting blurry as days go by and all I did all day was play mobile games which added more to my stress level as I lose but it’s fine since I am not thinking of requirements needed to be done and allowed myself to do things freely as we were told to. 

Taking care of mental health is important and I hope more instructors would take that as a consideration for students to be given a time to check on themselves, to re-think of their goals and to take a rest. 

Today I was able to dance to music as I do all the chores which I missed because of how busy I am and I love doing chores. I love it especially when no one is ordering me around. I am able to have a conversation with my mom again as she is the one I always talk to and lastly I got to visit my grandfather who lives next door but I couldn’t afford the time to check up on him. I’m glad he’s alright and healthy. I hope he doesn’t feel lonely.

It’s 10:53pm as I blog this post and I think I am a clown for staying up late. Where is the rest? HAHAHA!

[pichayatanapon]

04.29.21. Kinda out of place.

I went to a celebration to day. It’s my baby nephew’s first birthday and baptismal day. I was with the others significant to this special day of his, and I felt out of place. Mostly because everyone knew each other while I stand at the back alone. But I prefer it that way. I have no intention of making friends. I was just there because I was told that I should be there in fact if not for my aunt kinda getting pissed off by me planning to not attend, I would not attend in the first place. 

I also thought that the baby will never be one year old again so I must not miss this blessed opportunity for him because of my absence. I suck at dealing with people. I don’t have anything to say them or even if they are my cousin’s friends, I’m not required to be friends with them right? But I still feel bad about myself because I suck at socializing yet good at making excuses to not socialize. I even went to a separate table to eat. I am a terrible human being. 

So midterm exams are coming and what exactly I am doing? Here ranting about how bad of a person I am. 

I am friendly though...approach me first.

[pichayatanapon]

04.25.21. What now.

I’m sorry for not being able to blog for the past three days. I was overwhelmed with emotions. My mind was not thinking clearly. I felt like I was floating in the air--emotionless but doing the tasks I must do so I will not fail. Something is in my mind saying that I am doing these things particularly related to my education because I am afraid of losing something when I am learning little. I feel like after this, where would I pick myself up again? I have no idea what lies ahead and for a certain life after college is not as colorful as it seems like what in the movies. My life is a mess but I need to do what I am doing now to somehow at least get my freedom. I figure out what I want in life but in the end I hope I can do something meaningful and fulfilling without regretting. That is why I am told that I should be thankful I have my talents and I hope one day I will be able to invest my time to what I am capable of doing rather than burning myself out memorizing everything and forgetting these things the morning I wake up. I hope a day will come I will be able to express myself even when no one is here by my side supporting me. 

[pichayatanapon]

04.21.21. The smile across my brother’s face.

My brother learned that tomorrow will be his graduation pictorial as he will graduate from junior high school. The look on his face says how happy he is and that made me feel so proud that he never gave up no matter how difficult are things for him and how to perceive things differently from others. I am happy that I saw him happy. I hope he continues to do what he finds interesting and I hope he indulge himself more in discovering his capabilities. I wish I am always at his side every step of the way but somehow I am inconsistently at that point because how messy my life is. But I want him to know that I am proud that he has something to be proud of and that made my heart melt. 

[pichayatanapon]

04.20.21. New found hope.

I am delighted to see that people are now helping each other in times like this. I am thankful that no matter how this world is messed up right now, kindness and generosity and care for others still persist. Also it is saddening that people resort to their own ways of helping those who are needing because the higher ups failed to address the people who are in the low of society. Despite all of the negativities that others might say to those who are willing to help with the fullness of their hearts, I suggest that they should do the same instead of spurting out words that should never be spoken in the first place.

[pichayatanapon]

04.19.21. Insecurities

This morning I was “whisper-singing” if there is an existing term a song that has been stuck in my head since I first heard it again since the past ten years. I didn’t know my microphone was on and I felt like I embarrassed myself in the whole class. I also did not coherently understand what the instructor had said so I ended up taking all the screenshots of his powerpoint presentation. I totally messed up this day but hey, learn to look at the bright side. I was able to give my classmates free copies and got myself a copy too since I got lazy writing down half-way through the lecture. 

I am thankful for my singing capabilities but I am not confident and insecure with the way I sing. I sing differently than others. I don’t have that typical voice everybody uses to show-off their singing skills. I also have a music taste that everyone must not like and I find it difficult to go with what are trending nowadays so I keep on listening and singing the same songs over and over again because they give me comfort. 

I just feel like a poop today. 

I also played mobile games with my friends and I enjoyed it. I usually play alone but playing with friends no matter when losing or winning gives me a sense of enjoyment and pleasure that in times when we feel like losing, it’s okay because we have each other and we can try again the next game.

I am already 20 years old and still insecure of my own skills. I hope one day as the efforts I am making now to discover more about myself and to polish my capabilities, I may be able to show it to people and use it for the benefit of others.