phantom-fuck-ups

[phantom-fuck-ups]

The thought of growing old scares me, the only part I like is being able to do it with them...but I'm scared. I'm too much for her and even if I wasn't...every morning is another time where I have to wait to see if she's alive..every morning is fucking horrifying. And they, well, I'm never able to help them anymore and I hate myself for it. I just want us, all three of us, to be ok for once. I miss when I was ok. I miss not feeling like shit. I miss not having to wonder if I'm worth it. I'm fucking pathetic.

[phantom-fuck-ups]

LET ME DIE LET ME DIE LET ME DIE... she'll kill me eventually. Just promise to not interfere, any of you, I deserve it. :] I'm sorry I couldn't be worth more than this. I'm sorry I couldn't be better.

-Z

(The body won't die, don't worry./srs)

[phantom-fuck-ups]

...just ate the rest of the ice cream and finished the carton, I feel gross- the new persucutors are being assholes rn, ik they don't truly mean it cuz they're all fucked up sooo, I'm also thinking about smth I was told once... "falling for a persucutor who never wants to change is letting yourself be their easiest amd new favorite victim".... Idk, maybe I'm crazy- I guess I'm just missing someone who doesn't give a fuck about me- that's fine tho- I'll pretend not to care as well and it'll all be fine-....if they did want a new victim of their bullying I'd be willing... God, I'm pathetic. I feel horrible. I wish I wasn't like this. I always fall for the ones who hate me. I need to just shut up and stop trying. I'm sorry I'm like this, I shouldn't be this pathetic. I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't this horrible, I wish I was worthy of love. Sure I have my "boyfriend" but he goes in and out of dormancy all the damn time so he thought it would be better if we were a situationship. God, I'm so pathetic, I just want love. I hate myself

-Ko

(sorry for this being all over the place)

[phantom-fuck-ups]

My name. Isn't stupid. Idc what you think, idc what [REDACTED] thinks, I know the truth. My name is proof that I did it. Proof that I escaped and am finally able to be myself. My name is Darling Dollette, not Doll-Doll, Doll-Doll is dead. She wanted to die, she needed to die. She was worthless without [REDACTED]. I. Am. Not. I have so much worth without him, my name may sound stupid to you but it's proof that I'm worthy of being alive to me.

-DD (Darling Dollette)

[phantom-fuck-ups]

I swear to fucking God....one more person I care about try to kill themselves... I dare y'all too... I can and will go through with Doll-Doll's plan if one more person who I actually give a shit about even tries to kill themselves.

[phantom-fuck-ups]

every now and then I start reflecting on how much mental illness has fucked up my life and it makes me feel sick, I could have been so much more

[phantom-fuck-ups]

how do i uninstall Severe Childhood Trauma

[phantom-fuck-ups]

Why do I keep going back to people who hurt us/don't want us anymore?

I hurt my whole system with this habit (and yet, nobody usually stops me)

I should just shut up- I need to stop trying to be with people who don't give a damn

I wish I wasn't like this-

I want her back. Sure, she was abusive, but she kept me in line. She knew how to handle me. She knew what was best for me. I miss her- she still talks to me every once a year- she's so sweet when she does....I want him back too, he hurt me less and also knew how to handle me.

Maybe I should just rot away...I do more harm then good for our sys and fuck up so many opportunities for us. I hate myself tbh.

[phantom-fuck-ups]

I feel like a bad partner because of my bpd. My episodes are exhausting. I'm exhausting. I can't help I'm broken, but I can help my behavior. I'm so sorry. I know I apologize too much. I'm sorry you have to walk on eggshells. I feel guilt, knowing that a different partner could be easier for you. I feel guilt knowing practically no one will put up with me. Why do you?

[phantom-fuck-ups]

Wtf??? Why am I like this??? I was given a blade by a friend today and then I go and fuck up another friendship by crossing a boundary and I feel like shit cuz I keep fucking up with them- and I just feel like everyone I care about should leave me so I can't hurt them anymore. I hate always hurting the people I care about most. I wish i wasn't so horrible....idk what to do with myself rn...I just wanna cry...I want them to come back..they would know how to make sure I didn't fuck up- they may have been a bad person but stleast they kept me in line...I might start talking to them again...

Or I might just cry myself to sleep bc I keep fucking up and bpd splitting on everyone who matters to me.

The new persecutor is right. I'm too impure for anyone to actually love me...it's fine tho! :] my only job is to be used and left- if that's all people want from me then I'll give them what they want.

[phantom-fuck-ups]

Intro post:

Hello we are the Phantom sys aka the music phantoms (our main is @the-music-phantoms for more infk bout us go there)

This is a sys-wide vent blog/journal blog to write down shit

Tws can include:

SA

Abuse

death (sui and sh and other stuff)

ED

Medical issues as well as possible medical abuse

Mental health issues such as bpd rage, hallucinations, delusions etc

Scars

Toxic relationships

Intrusive thoughts

And cussing and yelling

We will try our best to properly tag everything

We are bodily a minor

We collectively go by Phantom and all have different ages and issues and will probs sign off most posts

If you want, you may vent in our inbox, we probs won't reply and might delete a few but the option is there for those who need it