petrushkab

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WHY ARE YOU LONELY: A TEXT GAME - Mallory Ortberg

WHY ARE YOU LONELY: CHOOSE ONE

FAILED TO NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS BORN OUT OF CONVENIENCE ONCE CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES REQUIRED ACTIVE PARTICIPATION FROM YOU

WATCHED NETFLIX FOR SEVEN HOURS INSTEAD OF SLEEPING BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN MISTAKEN INERTIA FOR REST

CONFUSED “SELF-CARE” WITH “SELF-INDULGENCE” AGAIN; YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING GENUINE REFRESHMENT OR RESTORATION BUT YOU DO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY AT NAIL SALONS

ONCE AGAIN CONFUSED “EMPATHY” FOR “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY” AND INVITED OTHERS TO UNLOAD THEIR EMOTIONAL BURDENS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST ENSURING RECIPROCITY, WHOOPS

ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM

ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT

BELIEVE “PERIODICALLY EXPERIENCING THE HUMAN CONDITION” MEANS SOMETHING IS FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN WITHIN YOU

CONSTANTLY LIE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS THEN WONDER WHY YOU FEEL LIKE NO ONE KNOWS YOU

MISTAKENLY BELIEVE THAT NEGATIVE FEELINGS MUST BE MISTAKES EITHER TO BE AVOIDED OR FIXED RATHER THAN EXPERIENCED

DESIRE TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT WILLINGNESS TO FULLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF

BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS

TRY COCONUT OIL

CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING

STILL JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU INSTEAD OF EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES ALOUD

THINK YOU’RE BEING PLAYFUL BUT ACTUALLY YOU JUST GET MEAN WHEN YOU DRINK

SPEND ALL YOUR TIME SAYING THINGS LIKE “EITHER’S GOOD” OR “DOESN’T MATTER TO ME” WHEN IN FACT ONLY ONE THING IS GOOD AND IT DOES MATTER TO YOU BUT YOU THINK “NOT EXPRESSING A PREFERENCE” IS THE BEST PERSONALITY TRAIT YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHERS

PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE

NO GOOD REASON, SORRY

Mallory Ortberg plz stop laying my psyche bare for the world to see

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First selfie of 2016. Killing it at school and dating someone I'm incredibly excited about, this year is already rad as fuck. I predict great things (and more dogs! And hopefully a new band!) 30 is going to be the best.

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Slut life just turned into monogamous relationship?

Pretty sure we spent the day looking at old furniture and scoping out rural houses from the valley all the way down to lunenburg.

Being old is weird (and kind of exciting).

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It is not your job, as a female, to heal men in any way. You should not be tied to someone because “without you, he would be lost”. A relationship should be based on both parts caring about each other and being happy for being in that relationship, and not on a woman sacrificing her own life in order to take care of a male ass.

We are not your caretakers, okay? It is not our jobs to give up on everything we wish to do and to be in order to take care of men. And I’m not saying a woman cannot do it, but that we are not obliged to do it and that we should not be painted as monsters when we decide we don’t want to do it.

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I keep my spirits up with a different motivational background every day.

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after the crush feelings turn into real feelings:

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Okay but..

How do you skip all that awkward stuff when you first start dating someone and just get to being comfortable and not over analyzing every damn thing?

Also how do you date like…5 people at once?

I should not be allowed to be single.

Slut summer turned into slut life.

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Feelin’ cute as fuck.

Being single has made me realize what a babe I am and what an idiot he is for treating me so badly. Enjoy your shitty life asshole.

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What she says: I'm fine

What she means: I've been explicitly and implicitly taught since birth to value the feelings of others over my own feelings and to conceal all negative emotion so as to avoid making anyone else uncomfortable and be a "good girl" so maybe that means that you now have to put in a little extra effort to make me feel safe enough to express myself honestly and maybe that's annoying but imagine how it feels for me

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One important thing to remember in life: Do not coddle men. Do not do their work for them. Do not perform uncredited labor for them, including intellectual labor. Do not bend over backwards to help them. Do not tell them they are good at things they are bad at. Do not smile at them when you don’t want to. Do not laugh at their terrible jokes or stroke their egos or let them think they are better than you when odds are good that they are almost definitely not. Do not even deal with men whose presence bothers you when you can get away from them/when you aren’t regularly forced to be near them for things like work. Do not include men in your life who don’t deserve to be in it any time that you can avoid it at all.

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Back to reality tomorrow.

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I am so fucking lonely in this city. I don't want to do this anymore.

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Getting older. Getting cuter.