personal-latenite-thoughts

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Me trying to figure out why I have no energy and keep trying to stop myself from falling asleep when I know it's bc I haven't eaten in 3 days 🤡🤡. Doesn't help that I'm menstruating too LMAO. Oh well 🤷🏾‍♀️

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Why is it no matter how loud I put my music I can still hear everything?!?! I just want to drown out all the noises around me 😭😭😭.

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

I'm so FUCKING stupid 😂😂😂😂 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Yooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING LMAOOOOOOO!!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣. 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪!!!!!!!!!!! Work is pissing me off, my family is pissing me off. Everything sucks right now lol. Also I turned 26?!?!?! Never thought I would reach this age tbh (I really thought I would've killed myself by 18 😂😂). What am I going to do with my life......🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. Feeling the need to scream and be violent but I would never do that. Hince the chaotic post.

Anyways, I just had to get these thoughts out of my head that I've been having for weeks now. I feel a little better now but I still feel bad lol. 🤔🤔. I should seek professional help but the thought of telling some rando my problems sounds horrible lol. Until next time ✌🏾🫶🏾

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Well well well......guess who's back to say the same shit I always say lol. Same old same old. Nothing's changed. Still want to kill myself. Still want to hurt myself but I won't do it bc I'm a coward LMAO. Literally was thinking about slamming my head into a wall last night while trying to go to sleep bc my body was hurting from the manual labor I did over the weekend. Isn't that something 😂😂. Whatever. I'll manage...I always do. But the voice is definitely getting stronger every time these feelings come forward. I'm gonna be honest. I don't know how much I can last before I do something stupid I'll most likely regret later. Other than all that depressing shit. I have some good news I guess. Finally got me a full time job with benefits. So now I can start saving up to move out and get my own place. Don't know how long that's gonna take tho. Hopefully not too long bc I can't stay in this house for much longer LMAO. I guess that's it for today. There's more I want to say but I'll just end up repeating myself lol. Bye for now ✌🏾

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Well well well....it's been a minute. This past week has not been great for me mentally. I was 🤏🏾 close to actually hurting myself this time. The only thing stopping me was that I was watching a show and kept getting distracted lol. But I'm starting to feel slightly better. The voice is getting quieter now and slowly moving back to the back of my head. We shall see how long it stays there though. Other than that work has been stressful but I'm about to quit one of my jobs so I'll have some free time to do something. Idk what yet but at least I can sleep in...

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

I'm back!!!!! Lmao!!!!! Completely abandoned Tumblr for Twitter but might come back bc Twitter is starting to suck. Anyways, a lot has happened but at the same time nothing has happened at all. Still pretty much feel the same everytime. Still not happy. Still don't want to be alive. But at least I'm about to have a full time job with benefits?!?! That's something I guess....maybe I'll go to the doctor this time lol. I should change doctors tho since I don't like my current one. Should I tell them about what I'm actually going through tho? I feel like I should tell someone but at the same time I don't want anyone to bother me and say they're worried. But if I don't talk about it I'll just get worse and actually take action this time. I get closer everyday to doing something I know isn't good (I just had to study psychology huh) and it's not gonna end good. I can tell. Well, this has been fun I guess...until next time...✌🏾🫶🏾. P.S. it's my birthday in a few hours. Go me 🙃

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Now why did my body wait until I wasn't home to start menstruating???? Rude. And the day just started so I'll have to wait at least 4 hours before I go home. Guess it's gonna be one of those days...

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

At my aunt's house you know, doing my job, and my cousin and his wife are here. Nothing wrong with that, I mean, he used to live here lol. He can visit his family whenever he wants lol 😂😂. The problem I'm having is that for me there's way too many people in the house now. Even tho I'm sitting by myself away enough but still close to the grandparents in case they need something. But it's like, I feel like I can't breathe????? And I can't sit still. I just want to leave lol. But I can't (there's no emergency and it would be lowkey rude to just leave bc I'm feeling some type of way) so I'm just trying to calm myself down. It's weird that being too close to people makes me feel.....anxious I guess????? Like, I just want to find someplace where I can be alone but they're family????? You shouldn't feel this way about family right??? Strange.....should get that checked out lol

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Feeling like crying right now. Too bad I can't 🤪🤪

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

I know I should eat something and my mind is telling me I should but idk if I'm actually hungry. Lately whenever I'm menstruating I can't tell if part of the pain I feel is general pain I always feel, menstrual cramps, digestive problems, or actual hunger lol. Kinda lame. Oh well, probably won't eat until I know for sure since I had something at my aunt's house (was basically a sample but when I ate that I felt like it was too much and was gonna throw up) so I should be fine til later tonight. And then I get to hear my dad complain again bc "I'm eating too much" when it's been the complete opposite for like two weeks now lol.

I have more to say so I'm just gonna put everything all on one post so I don't have to make multiple lol.ill separate them into long paragraphs.

So yesterday I asked my mom to do my hair and I could tell she was getting mad mostly bc it was practically matted and my dad kept giving unrealistic ideas on what he wanted my hair to look like (basically flat ironed which I'm not gonna do bc you were gonna make me work out tomorrow (today) so it would have been a waste of time. He doesn't get it and I think he doesn't want to get it but I digress) and I could tell she was getting stressed but I stayed quiet bc of course I did. So as she's combing my hair she's like ripping it out and doing big sections and it hurt a lot but I didn't say anything bc (1) I wanted it to be done asap (2) Idk how she would have reacted of I said something (3) I kinda wanted to use this as punishment for mot taking care of my hair and (4) to use this as a way for mom to relieve some stress which I think kind of worked since she slowly started to be more gentle even tho the damage had already been done lol. My scalp is still very sore in some places but it's whatever. It's just hair and I already don't take good care of it and sometimes just rip it out when I can't be bothered lol.

Now for yet another rant about my father lol. I really don't like talking to him or being around him bc all he every talks about is what I'm doing wrong and what he thinks I should be doing. But he says these things in a way that sounds like he's trying to help but it just pisses me off bc he doesn't listen to what I have to say or ask, I mean REALLY ask, for my opinion. So I've stopped giving my honest answers. Honestly I've stopped doing that a LONG time ago lol. Bc every time I did he would either tell me he doesn't care, ignore what I have to say, tell me that answer wasn't good enough, or counter it with something else he thinks is better. Every time. So now I don't even bother giving an answer bc I feel like whatever I say will result in a bad outcome so I keep the answers very limited, even if I want to say more or give an honest opinion. I can't trust that it will end good. Which is why I now always give short response and don't say anything with too much detail and instead keep everything in until I can't anymore and have to get it out (which is why I have moments when I post a bunch on this blog and then stop lol). So he made me go to the park with him to exercise but I know he really just wants to try and talk to me. Sure, he wants me to be active and lose weight, but he also wants to k ow what I'm thinking and tell me what he thinks I should do. So we're walking and he asks me if I'm still in a rut and have no desire to do anything and I'm like yeah I don't. Didn't tell him the reason for it bc I don't want to talk about it to him so he thinks it's bc I got fired and can't find a job. Which is a reason but not the main one lol. And then of course he gets on his soap box and starts talking about himself and how he pulled himself out of his depressive state when he got fired and decided to get active and do this and that which is great for him. But will that work for me? Idk... Rn I don't see myself just getting up and doing something. It's a mentality that I don't have right now. I'm too negative to do anything right now and if I did do all these things I know that I won't do it the way you want lol bc I'm surrounded by a very dark cloud at the moment and I don't see it going away any time soon. But yeah, we spent the whole time (more like I spent the whole time) listening to him talk about all the things I've done wrong and what I should do better. Same old thing. And yeah, maybe I should do things better bc I am being a burden and making everyone around me mad. I know that. I'm a disappointment. I'm lazy. I'm selfish. I don't know how good I got it. You tell me every chance you get so you can stop telling me. You don't even have to say anything, I know what's what you want to say and I can read it all over your face when you look at me. Even when you give me compliments or praise me (which is rare) I can sense the negativity behind your words and then you quickly start to talk about the next step. I'm never good enough. Everything I do is never good enough.

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Gotta go on a little rant here lol. Basically, I haven't eaten anything today bc I was busy being dragged outside in the heat to do yard work and then had my mom do my hair so I didn't really find the time to eat plus I was really hungry and had been drinking tea all day. So I finally get something to eat at 8pm and my dad sees me eating and the first thing he tells me is that we need to start working out. Huh?!?!?! You see me eating, which you haven't seen me eat all day (not like you were paying attention), and that's your first thought. Like, I don't want to work out and I definitely don't want to work out with you. You're always talking about people's weight and exercising and I'm tired of hearing it. I get it, I'm fat. You're fat. We're all fat. You don't have to keep telling us that and that we need to do something about it. We know so stop talking. Geez. It's very irritating to hear that every chance you get. It's no wonder your daughters don't want to do anything with you. Anyways, I got myself something to eat (didn't finish though bc I got a little too much oops) simply bc I hadn't eaten today and I'm menstruating so I should eat. And now all I'm thinking about is if I lose the weight and "get back to my old body" will he leave me alone? Probably not since he always has something to complain about. I'm done for now lol. ✌🏾

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

I've been in bed all day and only left once to go to the bathroom. Pathetic. I really don't want to do anything. I should eat but I'm not hungry and can't be bothered to go get something so I just have a few tic tacs to help, barely drank any water tho which is bad. This is definitely a new low for me. ✌🏾

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

via weheartit

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Dad made me go walk with him by saying we should walk the dogs to "get it over with" but I really know he just wanted me to get out the house and potentially talk with him. I was about to get something to eat since I hadn't really eaten today and didn't eat yesterday but he was low-key rushing me. And then we went on a longer walk that I thought we would since the park was opened. So on the way back (we were already on our street thankfully) I got a slight headache and as soon as I got to my room I had to sit down bc it felt like my legs were gonna give out. So unless my mom still wants to try and do something with me (hopefully not go eat out since she tried that last time) I should have time to myself. Clearly it's obvious that I'm not in a very happy mood (when am I happy tho honestly lol) or at least not my usual self which tells me I need to just hide it better. But I was caught off guard this time, usually I can feel it coming on but not this time. And it's different from all the others, here's hoping I can gain control soon. ✌🏾

[personal-latenite-thoughts]

Been awhile lol. Anyways, it's almost time. I can feel it.