personal-galaxies-blog

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November 25, 2018, 2:21am

TRIGGER WARNING: the “s” word. self-harm.

subject of my anxiety: myself i guess

i’ve been writing s****** notes to cope with how i feel. i’ve developed anger management issues stemming from my anxiety. i get triggered when people misunderstand me and think i’m being rude when i’m being as polite as possible about what i say.

i’ve been writing s****** notes to cope how i feel.

i don’t really know if that’s something someone should be doing. essentially, i’ve been feeling hopeless and felt life is meaningless. i don’t know why i should be waking up in the morning or why i should continue preserving myself when i’m useless. there’s literally no use for me. if i disappeared the world would continue turning anyways and ok a small group of people would have their lives affected temporarily but so what? what kind of impact does my life have compared to someone else? i’m insignificant. i’m 17. i’m not gonna make that big of a difference so i don’t understand why i’m here. life is so chaotic and it rarely has any order so what kind of plan am i even living for? 

i want to die, but i’m also too scared to end my life. theres that small part of me that wants to live my life out with my boyfriend and see my baby brother grow up. god, he’s a kid, i can’t bring myself to cause emotional trauma to a kid. i don’t care about adults, i care about that kid. i care about my boyfriend. i want to be with him, but that’s literally the only thing i’m holding onto. otherwise, i don’t see why i shouldn’t just go now. these random s****** notes are just there in the event i do accidentally kill myself. at least i’ve gotten some of the words out.

i’ve developed anger management issues stemming from my anxiety.

in high school, i’ve had slight anger management issues triggered by my close friends unloading their emotional baggage onto me. i can handle it in gradual increments usually, but constant negativity drags me down that i get angry about it and want to avoid it. it usually went okay ish with that friend and we’re best friends too and we dealt with it in this way. now i’m in college and there’s someone similar to her that lives right next to me. she triggers this anger inside me when she constantly talks about her emotional problems and while i can take it to an extent, there’s only so much i can take. it’s gotten to the point that i lash out at myself and cut because i have no other way to cope because i’m in a new space and the space isn’t the safest either. now these anger management issues have stuck and are just ever occurring and a new obstacle for me. i used to just have the normal panic attacks and all about school, but now because of the triggers i can’t control i got this stuff on me. i want to learn how to control my anger, but, like college, it’s all so new and i need help and any of the remedies offered aren’t helping much if at all. i want to get out.

i get triggered when people misunderstand me and think i’m being rude when i’m being as polite as possible about what i say.

essentially, because of my anger management issues, i get triggered when other people get triggered by me when i don’t think i’ve done much to get them to be triggered the way they are for them to give me the response they’ve given me. it builds up honestly. for example, with the person who i live next to who triggers me, i told her how i felt about her and living with her and it put me off that i wanted to switch universities because of it. the other night, two people got buzzed off because of my opinion which wasn’t really the worst opinion imo but they got quite triggered which caused me to get triggered. i felt despair like never before and wanted to remove myself from the world entirely and not just the situation. i have no idea how to deal with these problems right now. i just want everything and everyone to be chill but obviously that’s not how the world works and i hate the world.

i hate the world. i hate that i’m in a university i don’t particularly enjoy. i hate how i now have anger issues added to the emotional baggage i already carry. i hate how i was so optimistic about life initially and now i just want life to end. i hate how the one person that anchors me down is 3,995 miles away from me. 

don’t get me wrong. i know im more privileged than a lot of other people, i try my best to look at the world in that way. but making my problems seem insignificant and people that make me feel that way trigger me further and i really don’t know how to cope. i thought i was getting better, but i’m not.

i hate me.

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Friendly Reminder

You are constantly improving, never forget that.

You will be the best you’ll ever be right now, in this moment, and that’s okay. Be proud of that. You’ll get to your goal one day and each day its closer. I believe in you.

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No need to be prickly on the outside, just love yourself on the inside.

minusthenegative.com

PC: @chibird

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October 10, 2018

(i keep forgetting i can use this to help me cope with my anxiety. oops)

subject of my anxiety: boys, my boyfriend, and just boys generally??? oh, also some filipino stuff

so i’m currently overthinking a lot of things. i should be doing my politics reading right now, but i’m just really overwhelmed, i think. also my period is due tomorrow so that’s a factor to consider.

yesterday, my university’s filipino club hosted an event where all members had our first meeting and all that jazz. before my close filo friend (we call each other “fellow yellows” lol) came around, i was stuck alone knowing nobody for an hour. and it wasn’t really not knowing anyone that bothered me. i used to be bullied quite a fair amount by filo girls my age, so it kinda made me freak out a little meeting new filos and i was afraid they’d judge me and hate me and talk smack about me after the meeting despite not knowing me at all.  i even put a full face of makeup to mask my insecurities and so maybe i’ll be a bit more presentable or whatever. i felt super scared being with my own people (initially that was) and it just made me go into an internal panic attack at that moment.

it got better, though. my friend came so i wasn’t alone, which boosted my self-confidence and we both helped one another to try to make friends, and we did make new friends in the end. they were all super nice and quirky and quite friendly to say the least and i’m happy that i came in the end (also free food fam) haha :) i’ll try to be less anxious about filipinos, but at the same time i hope filipinos will be kind to me too (i dont know how else to phrase this - basically i’ll try not to be scared and judgemental that they’re going to be unkind to me, but i hope they’re nice to me too???).

so another thing that happened yesterday was that this guy wanted to hang out with me today. to provide some context:

i started speaking to him online at a time when i didn’t really have anyone i was comfortable with in my lectures (i had a group for politics, but during economics we sometimes got split up), so i hit him up asking to be friends with him coz he seemed like a really knowledgeable guy. we hung out once, but after that i felt quite uncomfortable in his presence and would rather just talk to him online (hes a great guy to talk to, don’t get me wrong, but i just don’t feel comfortable around him if that even makes sense???)

so he asked to hang out with me last wednesday too and mind you he lives off campus and was willing to travel into campus to chill with me. he did that same thing again yesterday and i turned him down both times for that reason (and tbf i was also quite busy and couldn’t actually hang out). i’ll tell him eventually that i don’t want to hang out with him alone at least. i’ll get onto the alone part in a bit. i really appreciate his friendship and just casual talking though please don’t get me wrong. but yeah that freaked me out a little bit.

i just generally get frightened by men. i don’t like being the only girl in a big group of men nor do i like hanging out one on one with men (males in general idk take it however you want). just talking to guys one on one randomly makes me really uncomfortable, which is highly probably why i don’t want to hang out with the guy one on one ever again. no shit on him i just really feel weird. even with my friend’s new boyfriend, when she left us alone i felt super anxious and awkward and uncomfortable. i can only chill with my brother, best friend and boyfriend one on one (as an example for boys). even my dad kinda makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable (not in an illegal way i promise. i just don’t know how to socialise and not being able to socialise frightens me)

i’m going to try to not see the worst in men, but i’m literally made so uncomfortable by men and i have no idea why. i was never really sexually harassed, but the idea of it scares me so much, i guess.

i also had a mini panic attack when my boyfriend changed his profile picture on instagram. it kinda threw me off guard and i felt so panicked about it for some reason. i know he still loves me, but i just felt really small and unloved in that moment (i wasn’t in the picture and it was his dog and i have some history being anxious about his dog ROAST ME I ALREADY KNOW IT’S REALLY IRRATIONAL PLEASE). 

i currently also am unable to contact my boyfriend because he’s grounded and i feel really alone and unsafe and i miss him so much. it’s been three months since i’ve last seen him into flesh and i’m really sad about that and i’m not coping very well without him. i hope he’s doing well.

i’m trying my best to not freak out about his change of picture too much. i love my boyfriend so much and i know he loves me and this shouldn’t make me so angry so i’ll try to be calm about it. i’ll bring it up with him to just let him know how i feel so he’s not left out in the dark, but i’ll be sure to communicate it well.

so so so sorry for the long read, but thanks so much for stopping by! also happy mental health awareness week! i hope everyone’s doing well despite whatever everyone is going through. you are all loved and appreciated <3

[personal-galaxies-blog]

You are not stupid. You are not ugly. You are not worthless. You are not weak. You are not a burden. Your anxiety is lying to you.

@nakedwithanxiety (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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i actually made art for once LOOK AT ME GO GUYS

this is my steven universe OC - she’s a lapis lazuli + did this palette thingy up there idk lol i’m rly tired and wOAH drawing makes me tilted i am having rly bad mood swings ok bye

(i tried drawing her in like SU style but i sUCK)

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Reason to Live #1047

Getting to one day see the person you’re in a long distance relationship with, and finally holding them in your arms 💜  - Guest Submission (Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)

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beauty tip: love yourself bitch

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August 24, 2018

subject of my anxiety: pressure from my mom

(wow i haven’t posted much - shame on me i apologise)

essentially, what went down was my mom kept telling me how expensive college is and how much pressure there is on me to make sure i get a job after college so i can put my little brother through college and how there’s gonna be so much budget cuts and all that jazz. i went into a state of panic because she constantly tells me this over and over again. 

don’t get me wrong - i am fully aware of how privileged i am to be going to a university outside of my home country. it really is very expensive and i am aware how much i need to budget. it just gets a bit more pressuring when someone else tells you to do it, you know? especially when it’s constant. you know that feeling when you were about to do the chores and then someone tells you to do it and then suddenly you don’t feel like doing them anymore? exactly how i feel, except it’s a constant thing being reminded to me which puts me under so much stress and anxiety. i understand in the real world i’d have to go through this kind of pressure, though, but at the same time like I GET IT OKAY PLEASE STOP haha.

and with my brother thing right. my mom keeps telling me to stop ‘worrying’ about the future and about me getting my masters and to take things one step at a time, but then she tells me that i have to be able to get a job and put my brother through college and not let him be. like of course i’m going to support my brother, but i don’t even know if i’ll be able to support myself when he needs me (i’m talking about financially - knowing the times right now i have no idea how i’ll be able to get a job that will support both my brother and i by the time he has to go to college). you see the irony in this, right? but yeah it just made me go into panic because i’m now thinking about my brother along with thinking about how to pass college and what not. it’s just a lot to handle at present.

i am trying to work on keeping my composure, and my mom has been drilling these concepts into my head since applying for college. i haven’t broken down til now, which i guess is saying something given she’s been saying this to me for over a year now. i understand it’s probably not as much as compared to somebody else’s issues and financial problems and financial situations, and that’s mainly how i calm myself down actually at present. i promise i’m not whining, it’s just a lot of built up pressure, especially because i’m not sure of what to do with it right now. i swear though, this pressure will be a lot more useful when i actually have something to do and work towards haha.

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Friendly Reminder

You are beautiful and are going to make it

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