perfectlyhopefulruins

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

the promised follow-up to like pulling teeth. the show is never gonna let them talk this much, but I will continue to do so

suckage ratio

"Sometimes I say things before I think them through," Evan says, and Tommy's brows shoot up. He can feel them being judgy, and he wants them to stop but unfortunately they have a through line to his reactions in a way his mouth doesn't.

This feels like a test.

Tommy keeps his mouth shut, and Evan breathes.

"And I just - you always - I know I say stupid things. I know I should think before I talk, but s-sometimes the words just get backed up and if I don't get them out..." He gestures, some strange swoop over the top of his head, something that might be an explosion. "...a-and then I get flustered, and I say things that - I say things I don't mean the way you think I mean them."

What we've got here is a failure to communicate, Tommy thinks to himself, and tries to get some control over his goddamn eyebrows. The whole face area in general, really. His shoulders, too, which have turned in on themselves and he's already failing this test fucking miserably, he's pretty sure.

He's still here. That was - that was the first thing. The one thing Evan had demanded, before they even thought about...this. This nightmarish scenario where they excavate things they've both buried for safe keeping.

Evan pauses. He's been doing that thing where he leans - feet planted, wrists turned with the full weight of his body leaning into the palms planted on a vertical surface, shoulders shifting, head tilting. Tommy's dubbed it his We Should Talk stance, and every time he's pulled it out since they agreed to try it again it's set Tommy on edge.

His eyebrows aren't a fan of the We Should Talk stance at all.

He wishes there was a rational way to explain to them that this is actually helping.

The shoulders are a lost fucking cause. He perfected protecting his core by rolling in on himself before Evan was even born, and once he stopped playing it straight in both a literal and figurative sense he lost the habit of projecting.

Mostly. A direct hit to his meaty center typically sends him flying back to the comfort of not-being-Tommy, for a while.

"You can - you can say something, now."

Tommy blinks. Processes. He feels like a selfish jackass for taking in Evan's words and immediately spiraling into his own self-pity.

"How -?" Tommy starts, pauses because he's not sure that's the question that will actually get him the answer he needs. "What can I do? To help you with that?"

"I..." Evan looks stumped. Like it never actually crossed his mind to come up with a solution, a bridge between the two of them. It makes Tommy ache, a bit, to think of all the time he's recognized this about himself, to think that no one has ever bothered to ask before. Tommy certainly hadn't. Tommy's been constructing and tinkering with his exit plan from the moment he booked it out the door after asking him out.

("Don't make me ask you for your work schedule, Tommy, I know you didn't have a shift that morning."

"Well it wasn't in the morning, obviously."

"When was it?"

"...28 hours later," he'd said, and immediately added another movie series to the growing list he'd maintained even while they were broken up.)

"We can figure it out together," Tommy says, and the full weight of that hits him like fucking anti-aircraft artillery. He holds up a fist, raises a finger. "Shutting down and bolting doesn't help," he says, and lifts a finger. "The snide comments are a problem." Another finger. Evan blinks and stares at him with something heated simmering in his gaze, and Tommy glances at his own hand long enough to conjure up an eyeroll. "Deflecting into a flirt isn't useful, either," he adds, raising a third finger, which earns him Evan's tongue planting itself in the side of his cheek before he rolls it out to poke between his teeth.

Evan takes a deep breath, shakes the flirty brow loose, sucks his cheeks in like that's a more serious expression. Christ, they're bad at this.

They can get better, though.

"I - I know you're trying to relate with me, but th-the interruptions are... when I lose where I'm going I get frustrated," Evan adds, his own shoulders curled in like the way his mind words is some sort of moral failing, and not one of the most fascinating things about him.

Tommy wishes they were in a place where he knew how to explain how much he adored the things Evan was always trying desperately to keep under the surface.

He still hasn't figure out a way to phrase "Your obsessive nature and idiosyncrasies and the way you're incredibly annoying sometimes make me feel a little feral." in a way that won't be interpreted as an insult.

Tommy holds up a fourth finger. "Add it to the list."

Evan's gaze darts around for a moment like he's thinking about making a physical list, and Tommy wants to bite him.

"You have to stop interpreting shit before I even get to my point," Evan says, looking a little less like this is the first time he's never thought about how to make it work, before. "I'm not a mystery for you to unravel, Tommy, it just takes me a bit to get to where I'm going."

Tommy nods. The eyebrows seem to have settled. Evan shifts his weight, glances again at Tommy's hand - all his fingers and his thumb outstretched. He looks antsy.

Tommy can't help the soft grin that tilts at the corners of his mouth. "You wanna get your phone out, or is this a paper and pen kind of situation?"

Evan's hand digs into his back pocket immediately.

Tommy's shoulders are loose, he realizes, while Evan ducks his head to type.

He hates this, but its the first time in a long time that he hasn't had to temper an immediate urge to lock his heart in a cage and throw away the key.

Evan pauses in his typing. Reaches across the space between them to fold Tommy's pinky and ring fingers down. He pauses. Frowns. Folds Tommy's ring finger back up. "That's blanket permission to call me out when I'm being an asshole."

Tommy sucks in his lips. Fights the urge to press forward and smother his face in kisses, run his fingers through the loose curls he'd thoroughly enjoyed fucking up last night. "After you've finished, maybe," Tommy negotiates, and Evan's face does something complicated, self-admonishment followed by a glance so devastatingly grateful that Tommy's afraid he'll have to fight someone in the future for not just fucking listening to this man.

It'll probably be himself, if he's being honest. No issue there, he's used to that internal battle.

He bullet points his list until he's folded all of Tommy's fingers back into his palm. He strokes Tommy's thumb once he's done, curls his hand around the closed fist. Holds Tommy's gaze for a long, long moment.

"I'm gonna say something and I just want to let you know ahead of time it's a - a fully formed thought."

Tommy can't help the grin, or the hand that reaches up to fully encompass the one Evan has curled around his fist. Tommy's never been particularly enamored with his own size, or the way he dwarfs people, but there's something about the way their hands slot together that has always driven him a little wild.

"I want this to work," Evan says, and Tommy's breath kicks it's way from his lungs. "Someday, I wanna live with you. Get a dog. Talk about marriage, and - and kids." A flash of something across his eyes. "If that's - if that's something you might want, too."

The last time Tommy admitted to wanting something like that, he'd been getting ready to spend the rest of his life pretending to be straight. The want never left, but it did bury itself deep where Tommy could keep it safe.

They're tunneling down, though, aren't they?

"I want those things," he murmurs, because saying them at a normal volume feels like asking to have the words ripped right from his mouth. "I want them with -."

Tommy's breath comes out shaky, and between his fist and palm Evan's hand squeezes.

"I've wanted them with you." He manages slightly more than a whisper. Evan's eyes are a little misty. Tommy's throat is tight enough to be aware he's close to tears.

He shoulders don't curl in. He's almost certain his eyebrows aren't currently grooving the wrinkles he'll have when he's older and grayer. Both of his hands are occupied either with holding or anchoring Evan. He takes a steadying breath, and the noise that bubbles out of him is half-laugh.

"I hate this so much, Evan," he admits, and Evan grins back at him. He's aware of the fact that he's definitely going to cry, at some point in the near fucking future, and for once it doesn't feel like the end of the goddamn world.

"Next time it'll suck like..." he tips his head side to side, "...three percent less."

"Does the suckage percentage increase over time?"

Evan's cheeks drift up towards his ears. That smile has been fucking deadly since the first time Tommy saw it.

"Guess we'll find out, right?"

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

Coffee date

He was doing a lot to the point where it felt like he was running on fumes.

He kept himself busy, even making new friends and going out with Maddie, Josh, and Ravi.

Maddie told him she was proud of him, that he was finally getting used to be single and adjusting to break-up being done for good.

Buck nodded in agreement, smiled and said thanks. Trying his best to sound assured and confident. As though he was proud of himself.

Hell, even Hen and Chimney noted how focused he was at work and how on top of his game he was being during calls.

"Look at that, Buck all grown up." Chimney smiled teasingly at him, thumping him on his back. "What version of Buck is this now? 4.0 or 5.0?"

Hen shook her head, chuckling as she replied."Hmm, I think this might be version 6. Right Buck?"

Buck went along with the teasing.

-

"Melatonin is crap." Buck mumbled to himself tiredly. He thought by now he would be able to fall asleep. He was keeping himself physically and mentally busy to the point where he felt tired but couldn't sleep. At least not for longer than two hours.

He had done everything from working out before bed to tire him out, drinking warm milk, hot chamomile tea, drinking pomegranate juice, taking scalding hot shower and baths, rubbing lavender all over his body, to now finally taking melatonin.

He looked at his phone.

2:38 am.

"Great."

He got up and pulled on some joggers and a hoodie and a beanie.

He needed to get the hell out of his house.

He wasn't sure where he could go but found himself driving around for a while before deciding to head to Norms.

Honestly it was better than nothing.

And definitely better than going to Dennys.

The diner was busy for this time of night (morning really). Buck was graful for it though, he needed the distraction.

The waitress ended up giving him a small table by the windows. Buck gave her a tight smile as he started to look over the menu. He wasn't hungry. Just tired.

But not tired enough to where he could sleep.

He rubbed his eyes and then face. He just needed to sleep.

He hadn't told anyone yet on the team or Maddie or Eddie about this insomnia problem he was having.

Honestly, he expected to not be taken too seriously or just be told to deal with it before it affected his job.

"You look like how I feel." Said a gruff voice next to him.

Right as Buck looked to see who said that the waitress came back. Buck fumbled with the menu and his words as he stuttered out his order for a minute. Coffee and some strawberry pancakes with all the fixings because what was the point now.

He heard the guy laugh.

"What?" Buck asked.

The guy, a rough looking guy who was probably in his 40s or 50s with cropped hair and clean face, snickered at him. "You must be going through the crapper if you're ordering that at 3 am."

Buck shrugged, "Couldn't sleep."

"Well, you're definitely not gonna sleep now. All that sugar and caffeine is gonna be super helpful when you're at work."

It was Buck's turn to snicker this time. "Might be helpful then. I'm a firefighter so probably will need the sugar and caffeine."

The guy raised a brow at him. "No kidding? I'm a firefighter too." He stuck out his hand for Buck to shake, "Captain Sal DeLuca. Down at the Long Beach station 12."

Buck shook the man's hand. "NIce to meet you."

"Likewise." Sal nodded his head towards Buck. "What got you so wired?"

"Could ask you the same." Long beach wasn't far, but Buck was sure that there were plenty of diners opened closer to Long Beach. Unless Sal liked driving nearly an hour to work and back by living in Torrance.

Sal shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee. "Had a bad call, my wife and girls were asleep so I figured, let me clear my head. I got therapy in like five hours so I figured I could kill some time here before making the drive back." He set down the mug of coffee. "You?"

Buck took a deep breath out, weighing out his options here. Sal seemed nice to talk to.

Could still be a prick though.

But it's not like Buck would ever see him again after this.

"Honestly?" Buck asked.

Sal quirked a brow, "I asked, didn't i?"

Buck bit the inside of his cheek, still unsure about saying this out loud. But it felt easier to say it to a stranger. "I haven't been able to sleep at my new place since I broke up with my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?"

Buck felt his hackles rise, his jaw ticked as he asked, "What? You never met a queer firefighter before?"

Sal let out a surprise laugh, "Nah, definitely met plenty. Worked with this lesbian firefighter almost a decade ago." He let out a low whistle. "She could kick my ass and yours and still could take out a fire on her own without breaking a sweat. I'll tell you, anytime my girls said they can't do something I remind them of her, their mother, and my mother." Sal explained. "But what happened with you and your ex boyfriend there? Can't sleep unless he cuddles you to sleep or something?"

Buck felt his eyes sting a bit. "Yeah." He muttered miserably. It caught him and Sal off guard.

"Oh jeez." Sal muttered, wiping his mouth with a napkin and moving to sit across from Buck.

Buck felt tired finally. It was the first time he had admitted it out loud, to even himself.

He missed Tommy.

"Hey, listen. Im sorry. I wasnt trying to be an ass there, I just unfortunately come off that way....a lot." Sal explained. "How long ago was this breakup? Yall were living together or something?"

Buck snorted at that. He explained what happened, from him discovering that he and Tommy had dated the same woman, to Buck's impromptu move in with question, to the break up, to baking, to the hook up, the argument they had, and all about Maddie's advice about being alone.

"Sounds like you both need to talk." Sal told him.

"I tried!"

Sal rolled his eyes, scoffing as he moved his mug of coffee away so he could lean on is elbows. "You didn't try crap. You snapped because you got defensive and your ex boy there got guarded."

Buck slowly chewed his food as he processed that, Sal wasn't completely wrong there.

"You could have told your ex what happened- about you missing him and the baking, but you didn't. You let him leave thinking it was just a hookup."

"He thought I had feeling for my best friend!"

"Do you?"

"No!"

"Well then tell him that!" Sal argued back, both men paused as they realized they were loud and gaining the other patrons attentions. "What? Yall never seen two people argue in a diner before? It's LA, deal with it." Sal shook his head in disdain, he grabbed a strawberry from Buck's plate. "You love this guy?" He didn't let Buck answer, "What am I saying. Of course you do, you're at the "I need him to fall asleep" stage."

Buck felt his face heat up at that.

He missed Tommy.

But love?

Josh had asked him that too. But he couldn't answer. But this time...

"I think I love him." Buck said in depressed awe. The truth hurting and cutting deep in him. He had meaningful relationships before. He had never said I love you though. With Taylor it felt...not like this.

"Of course you do." Sal rolled his eyes. "What are you gonna do about it is the question."

Buck slumped back in his chair, he rubbed his chest as the fear of losing Tommy permanently felt like a possibility. "I-I don't think he would say it back. Not after that."

"Might if you told him the damn truth." Sal grabbed another strawberry. "I get your sister's advice and your friends wanting you not to call the ex. But here's the thing; they got lives. I'm sure they got their own spouses or something at home. You're like what 35? 36?"

"33."

"Still a grown ass man who can make his own damn mind about what he wants. You want to call the ex, call him. You want to try about being alone, try it out. But you doing this thing were you need permission or some sort of validation? Guidance, whatever the hell you want to call it? It's not gonna work. At the end of day, you gotta make up your own mind otherwise you're gonna be pissed with the end results that you didn't decide for yourself."

It was rough advice, but Buck realized he was right. It sucked to hear, but Sal was right.

Buck sighed, rubbing his head as he realized he could talk to Maddie, Eddie, Bobby, Ravi, and the others till he turned blue in the face. But this was a him (and Tommy) problem.

"I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him and tell him the truth this time."

Sal stole another strawberry. "Gonna tell you the same thing I told a buddy of mine from back in the day- dude was into all that rom-com crap: a real relationship takes work, it's not all roses and soft music. Either you work for it or you don't. And if you." He pointed a red stained finger at Buck, "Seriously love this guy, then both of you need to be honest with each other. Otherwise, what's the point?"

Buck smiled down at his lap, "Seems like therapy is helping you there."

Sal cleaned off his hand with a napkin, giving Buck the side eye. "Shut it." Sal checked his phone, groaning at he stood up and stretched. "I gotta start heading back."

It was Buck who stuck out his hand this time, "Thanks for listening, Sal."

Sal waved him off, " Don't mention it....?"

Buck snickered, realizing he had just told his most recent dating life story before giving out his name. "It's Buck. Evan Buckley, really. But people call me Buck mostly."

"Well, it's been nice talking to yah, Buck. Good luck with the ex boyfriend there." Sal threw a twenty on his table. "It's on me. You could use a break since you still look like crap." Before he walked off, he turned back around to Buck. "Hey, if things don't work with the ex. I got an old friend of mine I've been meaning to catch up with. He's into dudes too, only downside is he's really into rom-coms. But, he's a pretty cool dude for the most part."

Buck let out a genuine laugh, shaking his head as he told Sal. "I'm good, thanks though. I-I think my ex might be it for me."

Sal smiled knowingly at him "Good luck then." He started to walk backwards as he told Buck "I expect a damn wedding invite or a Christmas card at least."

Once Sal was out of the diner, Buck pulled out his phone and opened his contact list to find Tommy's number. It was after 5 now.

"Evan?" Tommy's groggy voice still caused the butterflies in Buck’s stomach to stir. "You okay?"

Buck felt fidgety already, "Yeah, I'm fine I-we should talk. Like really talk." He took a quick glance outside, the streets were still pretty empty. "Can I come by?"

It took exactly 10 seconds for Tommy to reply back "Yeah, of course you can."

Five weeks later…

Buck had to be imagining it.

He squinted his eyes and watched as the man turned his back on him, giving Buck the chance to look at the name on the man's turnout.

It was him.

Buck couldn't help but smile as he rushed over while yelling "Hey! DeLuca!" Sal turned around, his face scrunched in a grumpy frown till he saw that it was Buck who called on him.

"Buck? What the hell are you doing here?"

Here was a major 4 alarm fire at the Harbor UCLA hospital. The 118 and station 12 where called for backup since the fire had spread to communities and shops around the hospital.

"Dealing with this mess." Buck huffed, he was grimy and sweaty, he knew wiping the sweat off his forehead was just smudging the soot around his face more. "Your team okay?"

Sal shrugged, "Yeah, fortunately it was the 231 that had two of their firefighters trapped there for a hot second but luckily they made it out." He gave Buck a once over. "You look better, I mean you still look like crap but I'm betting it has to do with the fact that you and I had to deal with mess for the past five hours."

That got Buck to laugh, he was doing better. He was finally sleeping soundly now.

"Yeah, actually. I got my boyfriend back." Buck couldn't get over the giddiness that came with talking about Tommy being his boyfriend again. "We talked, a lot. And we were both really honest. It definitely wasn't easy but I think we're good." He felt a little bit uncomfortable being so cheery around a rough call, but it was hard to repress the smile over taking his face as he told Sal. "I told him that I love him, and he said he loves me too. So, I think we're gonna be okay."

Sal gave him a rough but playful shove, "Atta boy! Look at that you and your boy freaking talking, glad to hear that you two are freaking acting like two grown ass men."

Buck rolled his eyes, "Anyone ever tell you that you give out the roughest tough love talks ever?"

Sal jutted out his lower lip, shaking his head back and forth as he faked thinking it over. "Yeah actually. Buddy I told you about? The rom com guy usually reminds me I'm an asshole with a heart of gold...usually he adds gold plated but I don't think that's true." He gave Buck a slap on the chest. "Also, come to find out the coglione is already dating a guy and it's pretty serious. So, you might have dodged a bullet there since you turned down my offer to set you up with him."

"The friend you were meaning to get in touch with?" Buck clarified.

"Yeah. I owed the guy a call. He's not like you. You might have killed him. Guy's like a locked box of emotions. I knew you for only like what? Two minutes before I got your dating history? This guy? Known him for over 15 years and he won't even tell me anything about the guy he's seeing now except for the fact that it's serious and he might be the one."

Buck snorted; he could see Sal getting riled up. "Guess it's a good thing you never set us up then?" He thought about Eddie for a minute. He had known Eddie for seven years now, it was hard to imagine keeping a secret from Eddie. He wondered if Sal and the guy were truly friends. "The guy your best friend or something?"

Sal's expression soften, a quick glint of shame passing through his eyes. "Something like that. He and I were best friends, or at least I thought we were. We had a falling out. I thought he didn't have my back when I got transferred from my old station. Told him as much and we basically got into this huge fight and he came out to me. I didn't take it well. I didn't mean what I said to him, I was just angry that he didn't have my back and didn't trust me for all that time." Sal sighed, he looked around the ruined smoldering hospital. "Listen to me going down memory lane like we got time." He chuckled to himself and gave Buck a shake by his shoulder. "Glad that you and your boyfriend got your crap together. I'll see you around Buck."

"Yeah, bye Sal."

It was a little while later when he and the others were getting ready to head back to the station when Buck caught Hen and Chimney staring at Bobby talking to Sal.

Buck didn't think much about it. Figuring it was just a captain of one station chatting with another captain. He was already helping Ravi get their equipment back into the truck and missed Hen and Chimney talking about Sal.

"Never thought I would ever see those two together in the same room again."

"It has been years, just glad to see they both don't have a chip on their shoulders about the past now."

-

Buck had to go home; he had plans to go baby clothes shopping with Maddie.

But making out with Tommy against Tommy's door was just too good to walk away from. He followed Tommy's lips when Tommy pulled away for air.

"Don't you have plans to meet with your sister?" Tommy asked, the words muddled as Buck continued to kiss him- gripping the front of Tommy's shirt so that his boyfriend wouldn't pull back.

"Mmm, yeah. But I can meet her at the store." Buck nuzzled his nose against Tommy's and tried for another kiss but Tommy leaned his head back. "Tommy-"

"You have plans with your sister, and I've got plans for later that I need to get ready for."

Buck pouted at that, of course Tommy was allowed to have his own plans. It just sucked to be separated again. "What sort of plans?" Buck asked, stealing a few kisses in between his question.

"I got invited to a watch party. A buddy of mine always has these watch parties for UCLA and since it’s against USC, he's trying to make it a big thing for all of us."

Buck chuckled, he had been living in LA long enough to know the rivalry between USC and UCLA. He had learned the hard way when he went to a bar wearing a baby blue jersey during a USC game.

"Sounds like fun." Buck realized something then, "I never really got to meet your friends before. You don't really talk about them."

He saw Tommy freeze up. "I mean, we're not close. Sort of hard to maintain friendships in your 30s and 40s. I'm surprised I even got invited."

Buck was ready to argue back, pointing out that he and everyone at the 118 were friends.

But...

"I-I get that. I was always worried about if me or anyone from the team left, would we still be friends." He admitted, he looked at Tommy who looked surprised by Buck's admission. "Yeah I know. We act like a dysfunctional family, but it's always been in the back of my mind. Losing them just because of life, y'know?"

The shimmer in Tommy's eyes had Buck worried. He didn't press but didn't stop Tommy from kissing him again. "I know." Tommy told him once he pulled away from the kiss.

Buck felt relaxed, he touched Tommy's face- his thumb brushing over Tommy's cleft chin. "You should go. You deserve to have fun- cut loose a bit."

"Come with me?"

Buck's brows went up. He opened and closed his mouth; he hadn't expected the invite. He knew there wasn't a "meet the friends" stage with him since Tommy knew his friends before Buck even met them. But meeting Tommy's friends was a different story.

"You sure?"

Tommy nodded his head "yes" and gently cupped Buck's face so that he could kiss Buck's birthmark, his forehead, and then lips. "I'm really sure." Tommy swore. "I think it's time for the people I've known for years meet the man that I see myself being forever with."

Buck was over an hour late meeting with Maddie.

-

Buck didn't know what to expect when he parked his truck a few houses down in the neighborhood that Tommy's friend lived at. The neighborhood was a quaint neighborhood outside of old Pasadena.

He felt a little nervous as he walked up to the house, carrying a bag of two cases of beer and banana loaf. Before he got to ring or knock, the door opened wide to reveal a relieved looking Tommy. "Hey! You made it."

Buck felt his nerves ebb away as Tommy kissed him. "Yeah. Traffic was easy this time, luckily."

Tommy pulled the bag from his hold and led him to the living room. "Hey, got another firefighter for you guys to meet." Tommy was all nerves and smiled as a room full of faces turned to them. Buck vaguely recognized a few firefighters from the 217 (including Lucy who gave him a knowing smile). "This is my boyfriend, Evan Buckley from the 118." Tommy told the crowd.

Buck gave them an excited smile (hearing Tommy call him his boyfriend always caused butterflies) and a brief hand wave. "Nice to meet everyone. You- You guys can call me Buck."

A guy with a UCLA sleeveless jersey and a bunch of tattoos was the first to greet Buck. "Hey, it's nice to meet you man. I'm Manny." Manny hit Tommy in the gut. "About time you showed up with your boyfriend."

Tommy rolled his eyes at that. "Didn't think you would be dying to meet him like this." Tommy looked over at Buck. "They've been super excited to meet you since I told them that you were coming."

"Oh."

Two other people joined them, a woman with long black curly hair and a bunch of gold bangles bracelets on her wrists and another guy who looked like he could be related to the woman. He was taller and sporting an impressive beard streaked with gray.

"Tommy!" The woman cooed excitedly, Tommy on the other hand looked more nervous as the woman and then the man hugged him. The woman looked genuinely sweet as she smiled at Buck. "So, this is the boyfriend you've been so secretive about?" The woman teased. "I can see why you've been hiding him." She winked at Tommy, "You're absolutely gorgeous, glad that my husband didn't follow through with setting this one up on a blind date."

The man next to her chuckled, "That would have been entertaining." He stuck out his hand to Buck. "I'm Arjun."

The woman waved at Buck apologetically before shaking his hand. "Sorry, forgot to introduce myself. I'm Gina." She pointed to Arjun. "His sister."

"Oh, well it's nice to meet you both. How do you guys know each other?" Buck asked, accepting a bottle of beer from Manny who frowned at the question.

Even Gina looked mildly hurt. "Tommy and my husband worked together for years. They were best friends."

Buck looked at Tommy, who just seemed apprehensive now and was clearly clenching his jaw. He knew the signs to look out for when Tommy was getting too into his own head. He took Tommy's hand in his and squeezed tightly. "Well, I can't wait to meet him."

When they had a second alone after making their way through the room and introducing Buck to everyone, Buck pulled Tommy into the kitchen. It was away from the living room where everyone was watching the game and talking loudly .

"You know it's okay if you're not ready to tell your friends about us. I-I mean I'm not gonna take any offense by it." Buck told him as gently as possible. His feelings were hurt but he figured he could talk to Tommy about it later once the watch party was over.

Tommy stepped back, frowning as he asked Buck "What makes you think I want you to leave? Do you want to leave?"

"No. It's just- well, y-you seem to be really uncomfortable around them. I mean they seem to be excited to meet me, but you seem-"

"Tense?"

"Yeah."

Tommy snorted, the irony of their conversation had them both laughing. "I'm not uncomfortable about you being here, I'm glad you're here. It's just-I've been always cautious about anyone from work or the army knowing that I'm gay that it's hard to just remember that they're actually accepting of me."

Buck nodded, understanding that this was a challenge for Tommy considering his past. He grabbed Tommy's waist, pulling him slightly. "You know why they're accepting of you?"

"Why?"

"Because they're your friends." Buck pointed out. "They seem to really like you, Tommy." Tommy scoffed at that, looking away as though the suggestion was ridiculous. "I mean, they don't like you more than I like you. That's impossible." He gently took Tommy's chin between his thumb and index finger. "But I can tell that they really like you, so maybe just let them?"

Tommy was quiet, his mouth pursed and twitching. He let out a sigh that was heavy with emotions that Buck knew Tommy didn't want to explore yet. He let Tommy pull him in for a hug, pressing a kiss onto Tommy's neck as Buck felt Tommy bury his face into Buck's neck.

"I love you." Tommy muttered into Buck's neck.

"I love you too." He gave one last kiss to Tommy's neck and hugged him tighter till Tommy was ready to let go. "You okay to head back in there with your friends?"

Tommy nodded 'yes', "Yeah, I think I am."

The game had yet to get interesting, but the room was full of chatter as Buck and Tommy got comfortable with socializing. Buck was truly enjoying himself, it was nice meeting the people in Tommy's life and watching Tommy let loose with his friends.

The doorbell rang, and Gina was the first to get up. "Oh, finally." she gave Tommy a small smile. "I thought he would take another hour with grabbing the sandwiches."

Buck looked at Tommy, "Her husband?"

Tommy nodded, giving Buck a lop-sided smile as he stood up. "Not exactly ready to face him yet with you. He's not a bad person, just we're still working on being friends again." Tommy gave out his hand for Buck who took it easily. "Ready to meet my Eddie?"

"Do I have to worry about competition now?" Buck asked coyly, earning a strong poke to his side.

"No contest there, Evan. You would win every time."

Buck smiled bashfully at that, leaning closer to kiss Tommy when he heard a familiar voice.

"You gotta be freaking kidding me! Buck?"

Buck couldn't help but laugh, "Sal?" he accepted Sal pulling him into a half hug all while Tommy and Gina watched, each wearing a seemingly confused (mostly Tommy) and entertained (mostly Gina) expressions.

"How do you two know each other?" Tommy asked, pointing at the two of them.

"Remember I told you I got some really rough tough love advice from a firefighter from Norms?"

Tommy's eyes went wide with fear, his arms crossed as he slowly replied "Yeah?"

Sal was grinning like a cat with a canary.

"Meet the firefighter."

Sal waved his arms, still grinning and showboating.

Tommy leaned his head back, "Dear God." he looked at Sal, "You're gonna be more of a smug asshole now, aren’t you?"

Sal let out a loud booming laugh that even had Buck laughing. "You bet your ass I will." he smacked Tommy's stomach. "Look who put on their big boy pants and actually talked about his feelings."

Tommy pinched the bridge of his nose, "How are you an asshole and insightful?"

Sal shrugged, 'I've got layers, you bitch." He looked over at Buck. "Told you this one?" he jutted his thumb at Tommy, "Locked box of emotions. I'm glad you two worked it out." he slapped Tommy upside the head.

"Hey!"

Sal ignored him, "That's for not talking your crap out. I keep telling you people can't read your damn mind, you both were stressing over each other and didn't say a damn word." He pointed at Buck, "I'm not gonna slap your head because you seem more emotionally regulated than this guy. But I will kick your ass if you hurt him."

Buck pressed his lips together momentarily to keep from laughing. He put up his hands placatingly, "Deal."

Sal nodded, pleased that Buck wasn't giving him pushback or making up excuses. "Good." Sal grunted; he gave them a small smirk. "Now I better be invited to your damn wedding, because either way I got you two together."

"Either way?" Tommy echoed back.

"Remember I told you I met a pretty boy who's a firefighter and into dudes?"

Buck and Tommy's eyes widened at the same time, with Tommy groaning into his hands and Buck tilting his head back and laughing.

"This is your buddy who you wanted to set me up with?" Buck asked, Gina looked too entertained, hiding her smile behind her hands as she looked at a forlorn Tommy.

"Yup." Sal bit his lower lip. "Told you I know you well enough to pick your type." he told Tommy. He turned to face Buck again, "Figured he could use a boyfriend like you in his life, someone to remind him that it's okay to let someone in and know him, crappy rom-com flaws and all. You know? Get him to talk and all that crap."

Buck nodded, eyeing Tommy who looked surprised. "Well, happy to report, we're working on it."

"You two better." Sal warned, "Because I can't deal with this one bottling up crap again." he glanced at Tommy again, shaking his head in frustration, "I'm still trying to remind him that I actually like his dumb ass. Figured setting him up with you, the one guy who I thought would be perfect for him and bring some sort of joy into his crappy life would be a good start."

"Really?" Tommy asked, he sounded so earnest that Buck felt himself becoming defensive on his behalf.

Sal looked exhausted; this was clearly a sore topic for them both. "Yeah, you dumb ass." he sighed, rubbing his face, "You gotta stop thinkin' I don't give a crap about you, man. "

Even Buck could pick up the sincerity in Sal's voice. The guy looked like he was really trying hard to prove to Tommy that their friendship meant something.

Tommy nodded, sniffing as he looked mildly uncomfortable. "Yeah, yeah. I know." he mumbled.

"Good." Sal pulled him into a tight hug. "Because I care about you, you dumb asshole."

Tommy let out a wet laugh, "Me too, you jerk."

Gina stood next to Buck, bumping her shoulder into his arm. "This was overdue, wasn't it?" Buck asked, noticing the tears in Gina's eyes. He caught sight of the relieved expression in some of the others faces- including Lucy's.

"Way overdue." Gina wiped away a tear. "I'm glad you and Tommy are back together. I think you're good for him."

Buck smiled down at the ground, he could feel his ears grow warm. "He's good for me too." he admitted.

"Okay, enough with this emotional crap.” Sal declared, throwing his arm over Tommy’s shoulders, “What's USC up by?" Sal asked as he picked up a beer from the table.

"What makes you think USC is winning?" Manny asked, clearly offended. A few others sporting UCLA’s baby blue jersey glared at them.

Tommy scoffed playfully as Buck and him sat back down with the group. "Because it's USC."

Sal, Tommy, and Buck were able to duck right in time as Manny and others threw food at them.

Buck did end up having a lot of fun Tommy's friends.

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

Oliver Stark for nineteen92 magazine (click for bigger gif)

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

A version of boys stumbling upon something truly traumatizing in that little book haha

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

✨Happy two parter week✨

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

Oliver Stark for nineteen92 magazine (click for bigger gif)

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

Eddie, dear, you decided not to use a condom and got your high school girlfriend pregnant, you guys got married because of pressure from both your parents, or because of your catholic raising, and while she was with your newborn son, you left for the army to provide for her. Then you came back and went out again, once again avoiding responsibilities.

You came back with a purple heart and untreated trauma #1. Shannon stayed the whole time, with a newborn baby, then toddler, with special needs that has never seen his father if not by pictures and what other people have told him about you. Those people were Shannon, Ramon and Helena. Ramon and Helena took care of Chris from a very young age, they were there when you weren't. Chris' first father figure was Ramon, he probably even called Ramon by "papa" too.

Shannon had to go see her mom (I believe it was her mom, but I could be wrong), and you make it difficult for her as if you (Eddie) haven't avoided being a father for years. She left(Chris' untreated trauma #1), and you decided to turn her into this big monster. Ramon and Helena cared for Chris, but Eddie couldn't stay there so he left with Chris to LA where his support net would be his grandma and auntie. Conveniently, Shannon was also in LA and in a house very close to where Eddie was living.

You meet her, you guys hook up, you deny her the right to see her son and made she sneak out of the house (seriously, Eddie?). You allow her to see her son, but it doesn't make it right that you denied her in the first place. You only thought about being serious with her because she thought she was pregnant again. She dies, so Chris and Eddie's untreated trauma #2. And from then, the list of untreated traumas just keep growing.

We have a tsunami; shooting; we have kidnapping; we have going down a hole to save a boy and cutting the line that was going to save your life; we have panic attacks because your girlfriend was becoming too serious and your deceased wife's ghost is still haunting you; we have blaming your catholic guilt as the reason you can't be happy with your new girlfriend; we have seeing your father challenge death every day and not be able to do a thing; and last and probably not least, we have cheating with a doppelganger of your deceased wife and being caught by your son.

As far as I'm concerned, LA is not a good place for Chris because every major trauma of his life happened in LA. He wanted safety, he wanted to feel secure and protected, so he called his grandparents and they answered.

I feel like they won't address Kim at all. They will make it so Ramon and Helena are the villains for taking Chris away because that's Eddie's son. What I have never understood is what exactly Eddie is doing to remand his suffered relationship with Chris. He denied himself happiness, he grew a mustache, he went to church once and danced in his underwear, he scolded another father for not loving his son unconditionally—not in that order, but still— and now he's healed.

I will play the rules and pretend he was having therapy sessions twice per week and reading books about parenting off-screen. Now he's in El Paso and Suddenly everything will fall in the right place because he's making some effort. In reality, the one making some damn effort is Chris. Because he saw his miserable dad and decided that he had suffered enough. Ramon and Helena may be overdoing the chess thing, but again, they want what's best for Chris and have been there since the very beginning.

I will say this as a latin, grandparents usually mess up their kids, learn from the mistakes, and redeem themselves by raising their grandkids. Because by the time the grandkids arrive, the grandparents have already settled down and have the time to enjoy raising a kid. Eddie can't support himself, his house is nowhere near suitable for him or Chris, he doesn't have the money or the resources. So, from my point of view, the narrative is going to make him go back to LA because he can't support himself without asking for his parents' help (he's as stubborn and prideful as Ramon, but don't tell him that), he won't ask for his parents' help and he will ask Chris to go with him. Chris will once again be dragged to the place where the majority of his traumas happened and continued to be untreated.

The writers created a conflict - Eddie meeting Shannon’s doppelgänger leading him to cheats on his girlfriend and traumatizes his son causing him to run to Texas.

The writers had no clue how to solve that and started winging it.

Them starting Eddie’s healing journey was a good plan. Him not letting himself feel joy was a good plan as well. But not addressing the Shannon portion of it left me wanting for more.

Now that Eddie is healed how to mend the Eddie-Chris relationship. This is where the writers winging it as they go strategy failed them.

The whole Eddie moving to Texas thing felt wrong. Maybe there were off camera things that made that move necessary. Buying a dilapidated house and moving without a job and without sufficient savings? Really Eddie. I understand him wanting to be with his son but your son can’t live in a house with so many safety hazards and you no money to raise him.

Instead of addressing what hurt Chris, they just villainize the grandparents to resolve their relationship. Never addressing what actually caused Chris to want to move to Texas.

☝️☝️☝️

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

I really like the “I don’t have to sleep with everyone I have feelings for and I don’t have feelings for everyone I sleep with”/”Got it” exchange because it’s so emotionally messy and interesting but also revealing about the characters.

I’ve seen the take in a couple of fics where Buck says that he didn’t mean that about Tommy, and hey we’re all playing with dolls and having fun, but I’m going to disagree.  Buck’s comment was deliberately aimed at Tommy and was meant to hurt him.  Buck was angry that Tommy seemingly spent their entire six month relationship thinking he was competing with Eddie for Buck’s affections, which also calls into doubt all the times that the three of them hung out (see the bad idea birthday party and Masks), and Tommy refusing to believe him when Buck says he has no romantic/sexual feelings for Eddie.  As Buck explained to Maddie, he was angry that Tommy seemed happy that Eddie was gone when Buck himself was struggling with it, and so he lashed out “in the meanest way possible.”

That’s consistent with Buck’s character: he’s got a lot of big feelings and he tends to get defensive when he’s hurt.  What I find interesting is that Tommy is the opposite of that.   When he’s hurt, he shuts down.  Buck’s blow landed just as he meant it to, and instead of snapping back or fighting, Tommy just locks it down, and says, “Got it.”  His parting line of “Evan, thank you for last night.  It was fun,” is passive aggressive, but it’s not blatantly hurtful in the way that Buck’s comment was.

Like I said, I find that really interesting because one of the bits of fanon floating around is that Tommy let slips these little sarcastic barbs when he’s cornered or hurt, but that’s not something we really see in the show.  Don’t get me wrong, Tommy is a bitch (affectionate), but he’s not a bitch in response to being confronted.  He’ll be bitch in stressful situations—see his entire dialogue in the hurricane scene—but he doesn’t do it on purpose to hurt someone.  The closest we come to that is in the first Micelli’s scene with his “ain’t that the truth, Evan,” in response to a comment about closet space.  It’s a petty dig, but when he’s actually cutting the date short, he’s direct and upfront but not mean.  He even calls Buck adorable.  That’s the opposite of a sarcastic bitch.

We see it again in the 8.06 breakup.  His reasons for breaking up with Buck are bullshit, but bullshit rooted in insecurity, but he’s never deliberately mean or unloving.  Or look at his reaction to Gerrard calling him a slur.  He doesn’t lash out, he doesn’t let loose with a sarcastic barb; he withdraws into himself.  Chim steps in because Tommy has shut down.  He doesn’t even raise his voice in the morning after scene; it’s Buck who comes closest to shouting.  This is a man who does not handle confrontation well.

Which is what makes him such a great foil for Buck.  In that moment Buck is amped up.  He is mad.  He is ready for a drag down fight.  He’s expecting one, and he is so thrown when Tommy just refuses to fight him.  He immediately regrets his comment when he realizes that Tommy is taking it at, for lack of a better term, face value.  The consequences for it are immediate, which I think Buck is genuinely surprised by because the other people in his life push back on him.

Compare this to Eddie and Buck’s fight after Buck purposely lets slip that Eddie is leaving the 118 to move back to El Paso.  When Buck tries to protest that he didn’t do it on purpose, Eddie immediately calls Buck out on that lie. Buck is used to people pushing back on him when he goes too far, to being reigned back in.  So I genuinely think he doesn’t know what to do when Tommy refuses to engage.  He’s confused and asks what’s happening, despite it being pretty obvious, and while he pretty much immediate regrets what he said, it doesn’t occur to him to apologize or explain what he meant.

And I genuinely love their completely opposite approaches to conflict because they’re going to have to work at communication.  Buck’s emotions tend to dictate his perceived reality (for the record, this is not a complaint; it’s a great character trait that the show tends to simplify and reduce to childishness) and Tommy just emotionally shuts down and runs at the slightest whiff of conflict, which means getting the two of them are going to have to make an effort to actually sit down and talk through their issues.  And that opens up so many juicy narrative options—I love the trap them in a helicopter and/or collapsed building options—that I do not at all trust the show to actually explore.  But, hey, that’s what fandom is for, and I believe in us to make it messy and painful and amazing.

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

my kingdom for an obscene oliver stark + lou ferrigno jr photoshoot...

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

Oliver Stark for nineteen92 magazine (click for bigger gif)

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

The baby boy is housewifing in any house he can

I just know henren and bathena will call Tommy soon themselves to tell the man to wife Buck up

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

The baby boy is housewifing in any house he can

I just know henren and bathena will call Tommy soon themselves to tell the man to wife Buck up

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

tommy kinard + being a good boyfriend

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

asdfgh! Elayne is peak Gay disaster, Singing a song about breasts and not even realising that's what it's about.

When it finally dawned on her what "Hills" actually meant

from joy to confusion to panic to pure gay exhilaration

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

When Buck proposes to Tommy he does that thing where he takes sneaky pictures of the ring and Tommy doing something and unaware for MONTHS just to make it clear this isn’t impulsive, he’s thought and planned and waited.

[perfectlyhopefulruins]

9-1-1 Evan 'Buck' Buckley and Tommy Kinard in Season 7

You said before that you don't think I'm ready and the truth is - I don't know what I'm ready for. But I am ready for something, and I think maybe that something could be with you.