passiveagressiveprotest-blog

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

I thought I was done with being in love for a while.

I finally got over you - absent you.

When I was packing my things, I threw yours in the trash bin outside your front door, as a token of my affection.

I finally apologized for running away from the men that loved me - one who I killed slowly, and the other who I lead on for months.

I am not someone to be loved.

But now there is someone new.

Someone who wants to bring his family halfway across the country to see me and be with me, someone who is considering the idea of living with me.

I want to change. I want to be good. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I want to be someone that can be loved and lived with. I want to be good for someone.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

The person that I loved no longer exists. You, who you are now, stripped him naked of his attributes, left him out in the cold to die.  You destroyed every last piece of him that I knew.

There is no reason for you to be afraid of me.  Your fears about my feelings are unnecessary, for I have no feelings for you.  You may share the same name, but nothing else is the same between you and the you that I loved.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

People are afraid of me.

I like it that way.

It's better that way.

No one gets close.

No one gets hurt.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

Don't feel.

Don't feel a thing.

When he strokes your arm, don't let the feeling linger.

When he kisses your neck, don't let the marks show.

When he holds you at night, be grateful only for the warmth.

Remember that he leaves in the morning.

Be angry that he dirtied your sheets.

Don't remember the ways his lips feel when he kisses you.

Don't enjoy sex too much.

Your standards will have to change soon anyway.

You're leaving.

Remember.

You're LEAVING.

There is no time to feel.

Don't squeeze in another disaster.

This is casual.

Don't feel.

Don't feel a thing.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

We were drunk last night.

I screamed with joy, excitement, and slight pain, discovering feelings that I have never had.

And I'm not pretending.

I'm really going to miss fucking you.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

Darling, it may be all of the hormones from these morning after pills I keep taking, but I think I might really like you.

I'd be scared, but I'm really just excited to feel something other than pure agony.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

The harder we fuck, the happier I am because I'm too numb to feel anything and too tired to care.

Pain is the only thing that helps me.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

I cannot wait until my last day here so that I can punch that smile off of your face.

It will be glorious.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

I hate myself more and more every day.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

I was sexually abused as a child.

And I wonder if it has affected my relationships.

Years later, I was raped.  Repeatedly.

I haven't been able to connect emotionally during sex since.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

I'm not meant to have children.

I'm not a mother.

Look at how terribly I handle my love life.

There is no way that I would be any sort of good mother.

Please, universe.

I am so close to leaving this place forever.

My dreams are about to come true.

Please

Don't do this.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

You have loved me for five years,

and I have used you time and again because of it,

because I know 

you'll do anything for me.

When I leave,

as soon as I have money,

I promise

I will get you out of here

it is the least I can do.

I will give you a life

better than this.

I promise.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

I am a pool of tears.

Realizing just how pathetic I am.

I am thoroughly in love with everyone that could care less.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

Fuck

I have always faked moaning and screaming. Until now. I couldn't walk, I could hardly breathe. He took me from behind, grabbed my hair and went deep. I have never felt so good.

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

How many people do I have to screw until you're out of my head?

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

WHY CAN'T I LET GO LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE

[passiveagressiveprotest-blog]

FUCK FUCK FUCK I ACCIDENTALLY SENT IT

I wrote him a letter. I didn't plan for him to actually get it. It was just for me, to get my feelings out. It wasn't supposed to be for him even though it was for him. But I pressed enter to start a new line... And it sent. I debated replying right away with an apology, asking him to ignore it and delete it, but perhaps it is better this way. He already treats me as though I don't exist. I'm not sure how much worse it can get.