pandora-4-cindy

[pandora-4-cindy]

i also relapsed after getting accidental benadryl high fucking kill me

[pandora-4-cindy]

i should have neeeevvvver done this seen it coming a mile away im like so close to the edge

im just gunna withdraw a fuck ton and only talk to jim and my girlfriend

i wont go out ill just get high and sleep and work and talk to jim and amber i really cant fucking handle it anymore i really really cant

i must’ve fucked up and said the wrong thing i got defensive just like he did and i didnt speak up until it was too late i dont even want to talk to him about it anymore i really dont feel like being his friend anymore i dont really have any drive to fix it

idk its just over again i just have to shed it and move on maybe ill make friends and live again but probably not for a while

[pandora-4-cindy]

roomate situation getting a little strange and cruel

[pandora-4-cindy]

surprise im co-opting this page into a general log.

well i havent relapsed so thats something! taking edibles now to help with cravings and that works. its like ok right now, with everything. im grappling with the whole celibacy thing. it feels like the right decision here? idk im trying to decide times where i would actually feel comfortable having sex. because there have been very specific times with specific conditions where its been ok if even somewhat enjoyable? everytime feels like a performance still and i just cant tell if thats an issue i can and am willing to work on? or if its just like the way i am. essentially is it trauma based or am i just completely without sex drive and physical attraction.

i think im also coming to terms with the fact that the only people im really physically attracted to are women and nonbinary people. i am rarely ever attracted to anyone physically but when it does happen it’s exclusively women and nonbinary people. which is, for some reason very hard for me to accept. its got something to do with trauma for sure. and ingrained misogyny and a bunch of smaller personal issues.

i just dont really know how to label it i guess and that’s unhelpful to me because labels help me grapple with my already rough relationship with identity.

somethings i know for sure, i dont ever want to have sex with a man again LOL epic win for me finally, and i could probably go the rest of my life without ever having sex again…. so that probably says something…. hrrmmm all signs are pointing to the ace flag. but they are pointing with mild hesitation? im on the ace spectrum somewhere for sure but wheerreee????

but again like it all depends on love! like if i love someone and we are so comfortable with each other i think i would want to have sex with them! and i dont think it would matter their gender or anything at all! i think i dont have to be physically attracted to someone for me to want to have sex with them also, like physical attraction is soooo low for me in the scale of importance when choosing a partner, like so low its crazy. usually i dont even register that im physically attracted to someone until i feel comfortable enough with them to allow myself to see them in a sexual way. seeing someone in that way just feels like not even an option until we are so openly in love its like, instinct or something?

anyways holy yap fest goodbye

[pandora-4-cindy]

still in recovery but i’ve got my friends helping me now so it’s going a lot better.

idk if anyone has had a similar experience or i’m just a fucking idiot; one of my last big trips i mixed dxm with about 30mgs (possibly more) of diphenhydramine in the form of sleeping pills on the comedown (cus i wanted to sleep) and really thought i was going to die. i’m pretty sure i almost did. i keep feeling for my pulse every where and it would stop for maybe like 10 seconds then start again very faint. i could feel my lungs not working properly.

hard to describe the feeling, it wasn’t painful and i just didn’t have enough energy to be panicked, but i could tell my body was really trying hard to stay alive. like it had to force itself to keep my heart beating. i kept having the feeling of wanting to fall asleep but, i knew if i did i would NOT wake up for sure. i kept having to stand up and walk around my room so i would get my blood flowing and muscles moving. mind you i was still fairly high on dextro atp so like, my brain was in a very strange place. it would just cycle through oh god im so sleepy im going to sleep and then die, to, please please please don’t die im going to die and then just nothing while i almost fell asleep.

this was also the night before i needed to move out of my place so all my shit was packed and my room was empty save for my bed (futon on the floor) and a few boxes. my window was open, the wind was blowing through making the curtains billow and the moon was shining in (it was like 3am) and i remember thinking what a strange otherworldly feeling, what a time to die, because i was so sure i was going to. i felt nothing moving in my body, like all my organs shut down. you don’t realize how much of your body you can feel working all the time until you don’t feel or hear anything moving anymore.

anyways, as many people forewarned me through dm’s on this blog and people i talked to irl, obviously dxm is bad and should not be glorified. you will get addicted and it will ruin your life if not kill you.

i have to work through physical and emotional opioid withdrawals every week. drugs r bad. like duh but seriously. there’s always a way out.

[pandora-4-cindy]

hey so that trip i just had was the worst ever!! i overdosed and almost died!! im quitting dxm lol!!

!!edit aug 1st 2025

and then i proceed to take even more over the following months,, and then almost died again but still kept taking it, URGH

[pandora-4-cindy]

still high lol mostly back to normal now but i haven’t been able to do anything at all today i’ve just been in and out of bed and watching Brooklyn 99

[pandora-4-cindy]

just had the worst trip of my life… tried doing syrup for the first time and i was like huh why isn’t this working so i just gulped down a bunch and oh my god… i got sooo high i like woke up (maybe?) at 4am high as shit and kept like sitting up an looking at my phone and then passing out again. i didn’t even know it was my phone i think. i was just like hmm why is this object a different texture than my sheets. i was so high i forgot what a cell phone was it was so bad. i didn’t hallucinate at all but i’ve been awake since like 5am just steadily on the comedown. dxm is fucking crazy why do they sell dxm over the counter when it can make me forget what my cellphone was????

[pandora-4-cindy]

[pandora-4-cindy]

hello i am on a 2 day bender lol

[pandora-4-cindy]

everything sucks

anyways

this is the best album of all time

grouper will literally never be topped

[pandora-4-cindy]

my addiction collection

!! edit aug 1st 2025

urgh nowhere near were i was at the end.. also like why am i trying to flex how much robitussen i took,,,

[pandora-4-cindy]

didn’t post at all during is but i tripped with my lovely wonderful boyfriend damon last night and it was fucking crazy definitely the highest i’ve ever been on dxm and it was a little scary so i don’t think i’ll do that much again or often. we must’ve both takes around 330mgs but spaced apart really well. idk bf said he had a good trip no complaints but mine was rlly existential and a bit scary but nothing like a bad trip on shrooms or acid like i could pull myself out pretty easily and still overall had a good trip.

edit** WOW back when 330mgs was a lot… anyways damon… was kinda fucked and we r no longer together.

also every trip i had after this one was existential and weird in the same way.. idk what that’s abt

[pandora-4-cindy]

second favourite song of all time i’m crying so hard rd

my interpretation of this songs is that it’s about being like succeeded by your child. like the ticket to immortality is having children so that you can live on through them and oh my god that makes me cry so much cus my dad used to play this for me all the time when i was a kid

[pandora-4-cindy]

favourite song of all time

[pandora-4-cindy]

i cant wait to start a family with damon im so excited to live and grow old with him i feel so lucky that i get to have this

trip really like emotional this time LOL should’ve know this would happen on the tail end of my period

[pandora-4-cindy]

i firmly believe suicidal people are the backbone of society