pandamation

[pandamation]

2024

[pandamation]

To You, With Love <3

Three years after my sister disappeared, my parents and I moved to an old farmhouse built on slanted land and surrounded by towering trees. Our closest neighbors were deer and far too many bugs. The move was long overdue, and we hoped it might help us heal. It felt like a betrayal to Mom—and it was—but it was also about self-preservation. We had to let Marie go if we were going to continue…

[pandamation]

the duality of man

so, my love, destroyer of all and everything, when did you first realize you were broken? why did you gather all those jagged pieces, only to carve and mangle the ones you swore to never harm? instead, you injected your poison, made pain an aphrodisiac. my love, i know exactly what you are. you are the truest image of the duality of man.

[pandamation]

the duality of man

so, my love, destroyer of all and everything, when did you first realize you were broken? and why did you gather the shards, all those jagged pieces, only to carve and mangle the ones you swore to never harm? you are the truest image of the duality of man.

[pandamation]

duality

so, my love, destroyer of all and everything,when did you first realize you were broken?and why did you gather the shards,all those jagged pieces,only to carve and manglethe ones you swore to never harm?

[pandamation]

Hopes, Dreams, Publications, Baby!

I’ve always tried to make each year the best. I promise myself everything will be better. “I’m going to do this!” “Everything will change!” “My life will be perfect, and I will be whole. Everything will be how it’s meant to be.” And for a while, it is that way. I float on that cloud of happiness. But inevitably—always—blemishes and cracks appear. They grow and deepen until the facade…

[pandamation]

aelily.com

aelily.com

[pandamation]

2023

“The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.” Poppy Z. Brite

[pandamation]

happy birthday

Happy birthday to the woman who loved me, my sisters, and her grandbabies more than anything. To the woman we call mommy. We miss you. I miss playing Mario Party with you and listening to you talk about Animal Crossing. When Paige and I finally beat Miguel in Chrono Cross, you cheered the loudest. I miss your amazing cooking. Collard greens, danishes you made every Sunday morning, the sweet…

[pandamation]

The Necromancer by the Sea

trigger warning: self harm I. The wind smelled like ashes and the air tasted of salt. I could hardly breathe. The woman had died on the cliffs below. Her neck had snapped, her bones had broken, and the black sea had swallowed her. It kept her for days before it spat her out onto the cold sand. She was bloated and blue. The familiar scowl on her face was gone, eroded by the current and hungry…

[pandamation]

The Necromancer by the Sea

trigger warning: self harm I. The wind smelled like ashes and the air tasted of salt. I could hardly breathe. The woman had died on the cliffs below. Her neck had snapped, her bones had broken, and the black sea had swallowed her. It kept her for days before it spat her out onto the cold sand. She was bloated and blue. The familiar scowl on her face was gone, eroded by the current and hungry…

[pandamation]

Worthless

My heart hurts. It physically hurts. I’m so scared. I have heard of broken heart syndrome. I’ve experienced it before. The last time was a year ago when I suspected and subsequently learned that my boyfriend at the time had been cheating on me. My chest hurt all night. I thought I was having a heart attack. I wish I would have one if we are being honest. The pain, betrayal, and loss of somebody…

[pandamation]

don’t go

My heart hurts. It physically hurts. I’m so scared. I have heard of broken heart syndrome. I’ve experienced it before. The last time was a year ago when I suspected and subsequently learned that my boyfriend at the time had been cheating on me. My chest hurt all night. I thought I was having a heart attack. I wish I would have one if we are being honest. The pain, betrayal, and loss of somebody…

[pandamation]

survival

[pandamation]

grief, heartbreak, and the onset of insanity

He told me I was scaring him. He said there was something wrong with me. I didn’t bother to correct him because he was right. I mean nothing to him. I was the one who took what he had worked so hard for. I smashed his life to pieces and plucked the shards from my hand. I sucked on my wounds and allowed the blood to flood my mouth until I nearly drowned. I stopped, breathed and drank some more.…

[pandamation]

grief, heartbreak, and the onset of insanity

He told me I was scaring him. He said there was something wrong with me. I didn’t bother to correct him because he was right. I mean nothing to him. I was the one who took what he had worked so hard for. I smashed his life to pieces and plucked the shards from my hand. I sucked on my wounds and allowed the blood to flood my mouth until I nearly drowned. I stopped, breathed and drank some more.…

[pandamation]

to grieve is to love

I haven’t been writing much since the move. depression has me firmly in its grip. and since moving I have more time to think and grieve, it sucks lol. I do have some stories I have been working on so never fear lol. I have always been very open about my mental health. it’s a part of me and it always will be. I wish I could take my brain out and fix it but as of yet that’s not possible. this is…