p3tchescorner

[p3tchescorner]

College life update (tl;dr it sucks ass)

College kids are petty as fuck bro 💀 My major is really small at my college and so everyone knows/has met everyone. I enjoy my major, professors, and some of the friends. But I got in a group that is just a magnet for messy people in our major. It was perfectly fine at first then they started dropping people like flies. There's only two people I actually care about because I've known them the longest and they're the sweetest people I've ever met. Fast forward and the group is so big. Its shrunk since then and I'm very happy about that. There is one more person I'd prefer to be gone and we'll name them C. We had a test on Friday and someone named L readily helped us out with studying since there's the same class at an earlier time. C came in storming and was getting mad at L for helping us out (not actually giving us answers btw). We all thought she was joking and asked her to help us study and she persisted. I started playing around wither her and made a joke (I literally make all the time around her too so she knows there's no hate behind it). She got offeneed (if you're curious: "You've got bad things coming") its a joke I make w/ all my friends and its literally so unserious. Afterwards she hops on facetime w/someone and is talking shit about me (literally 2 feet away and I didn't even realize until someone said they heard my name). Fast forward and I was like "Wait what about me?" and homegirl starts going off on me and is saying she wasn't gonna help us and if she had to study for her test we did too. I told her we understood and redirected us back to studying. Moments later she packs her shit and leaves. Now for background info: We literally always help each other with studying and tests. At one point she literally stood with me and we took a quiz together "so I could take the L this time" like us asking that to each other is in no way out of the ordinary please. And this boy J texted her and asked her if she was ok and she said I didn't respect her boundaries and made a bad joke. Likeee more background info: She's such a fucking shitty person its embarrassing. When everyone stopped talking to this one person I expressed my concern of them attempting suicide because they have preexisting mental health problems. C said she didn't give a fuck. In our group its very diverse and we have one white girl (very sheltered) and she's always making jokes about her being disgusting because she's white but I'm making some crazy jokes??? Literally every chance she gets she makes the same shitty ass jokes. There's another boy we all hang out with and she always says she hates him and will call him ugly unprovoked and at times prompt us to do the same (i.e. someone likes him and she was asking us if they'd be a good fit. I said no because they're personality's are like polar opposites and then she was like "Jo's ugly, he looks like a raccoon" like who asked that? Seriously. And it just astonishes me that she's playing the victim suddenly after shitting on and hating on everyone off of the premise that she's 'just being real" Like yeah I made a joke I didn't know you weren't gonna like and maybe pressured you with everyone else. But why act like I'm bullying you and not anyone else? If some else made that joke you wouldn't have brought it up. I just know she never liked me in the first place (Me either though 💀). When you never think to stop and consider if your words are hurtful or not. Like that day she went up to me and told me she knew I'd do good on the test while ignoring everyone. Why do that? Judging people for doing shit you do (I.e. someone liked a bl post on Insta and she was judging her for it and then after some time I find out homegirl reads bl... like what??? Make it make sense.

[p3tchescorner]

Fighting with myself to not binge. Everything feels so good when I restrict and I feel like my life is in my own hands. Like I'm in charge of my happiness and my progress. This is the only thing that I have right now. My life feels crumbly but this helps me. If I binge and lose control I'll become unstable again. I just need something to stabilize myself.

[p3tchescorner]

About to crash out I gained while fasting

[p3tchescorner]

Dissociating...

I think I started dissociating and experiencing derealization. I'm not sure when it started but recently I start going out so easily. Just a little stress and then I try to calm down with some deep breathing then *poof* I'm gone. And everything already feels disconnected but at some point nothing felt real at all and I started thinking everything was a terrible dream (Like the logical part of me understands the world around me is real but on the inside I feel like I'm wearing someone's skin or something and I'm actually in a dream). I desperately want my life to feel real but anytime it actually does its just so incredibly intense and I start feeling panicky and then *poof* I'm gone again. Its not safe inside or outside my head and I don't know how much longer I have to hold on.

[p3tchescorner]

I'm sick

For some reason I feel a little impulsive now that I'm sick. Like my appetite and hunger is pretty much gone and I wanna eat up my moms cookie supply just because. I'm so fatigued but I accepted a shift at work just because I wanna work with my friend. Ughhh I'm so sleepy too lord 😭

[p3tchescorner]

Trying to study so I don't snackkk

[p3tchescorner]

I think battling my depression will help me stay on track...

Like I got upset yesterday and that led me to eat 3k calories... in one day. I think if I can find healthier outlets I won't have to binge/overeat to make myself feel better.

[p3tchescorner]

Nothing feels real again 🥲

I just binged and I feel like shit physically and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I just got some bad news literally the worse timing. i want everything to be ok but its not and it never will be. I can't do anything right and I don't feel right. I feel broken and my life feels broken. And nothing ever feels real again. Its like every time I try to calm myself down I take some deep breaths and I'm gone again. Nothing is going right for me. My job is shitty, I feel like I'm losing the only people I care about, I've been binging and gaining so much weight everyday, and I'm an academic failure. I just want to be fucking happy but I don't even think I deserve it at the point. It feels like no one even cares anymore and I hear that they do but its not in the same way. They only care when your perfect when your not a burden. I'm just done. I may be going into 2025 but I can assure everyone 2026 will not be my reality

[p3tchescorner]

There's a cute on my face and I think its from when I was spiraling on Sunday

[p3tchescorner]

Gonna shower and go to the gym so hopefully I won't actually kill myself

[p3tchescorner]

Returning + Life update

I've been on Twitter a lot and so I don't post here anymore. I'm sure all my friends on here are not active anymore. I've been hitting wall after wall and I'm beyond depressed. Absolutely nothing is going right in my life and I'm trying to stay sane. I stopped restricting months ago and I've just been binging and over eating. I've gained over 20lbs back and I physically feel unwell. My life continues and it feels like all my goals are running away from me.

[p3tchescorner]

The one friend I had hope in never doing drugs went ahead and ate an edible... No I don't give a fuck if you don't think w33d is a drug/bad or whatever the fuck. I don't like being around it and I really don't want more people in my life doing this shit.

[p3tchescorner]

How my 138 hr fast went 😚

(Around 5.75 days 9/25-30) I did this like a week ago... I know I'm posting it late. Also I'm fasting again 84/93 hrs.

DAY 1 (9/10) ~ Always the easiest day for me. I just got a little hungry and that's it. Told my mom I felt sick that day so she wouldn't try to feed me.

DAY 2 (8.5/10) ~ Still a little hungry but it didn't bother me as much. I had more cravings than anything.

DAY 3 (5/10) ~ Brain fog and fatigue was kicking in. After school I felt supppeeer tired and kept taking micro naps. Reminded my mom I was sick and told her I'd eat something light at home (never did but I ran the microwave and went into her room when it was beeping so she thought I was).

DAY 4 (2/10) ~ VERY BAD brain fog and fatigue. Felt like I was gonna pass out. Completely lethargic, I wasn't even hungry or craving anything anymore just tired 😭 Pretty much did the same thing I did the previous day for my mom.

DAY 5 (8.5/10) ~ I don't know how but I regained so much energy that day (despite not switching to a liquid fast). Had work that night and my sister came so I gave her my food, told her I was tired and went to bed.

DAY 6 (9.5/10) ~ Literally didn't feel like I was fasting anymore. I went to work and ended up eating part of my meal to make it look like I was eating (they're still suspicious but who cares).

I lost 9.2 lbs and I didn't binge afterwards, but I gained back 4 lbs (I wasn't sure why so I started fasting again. I think it's because I'm on my period and it might just be water weight 😭???)

[p3tchescorner]

Almost done fasting 🤗 90/120hrs

I've been fasting for 90~ish hours and I have 30 more to go (might end up doing 46 more). Low-key fatigued as fuck but I've made a commitment and I'm gonna follow through 😚 Total hours should be 120~138 afterwards. I'll post like a "recap" and how much weight loss I had and stuff.

[p3tchescorner]

Please just call me so I can forget about everything and focus on you 🥹

[p3tchescorner]

Day One: Successfully complete

Cheese quesadilla - 650

Sour Cream - 55

Guacamole - 30

Pistachios - 427

Burned - 800

Total in 1,163 cals

Ok overall not that bad first time in a while actually counting cals instead of just eating however much I think is good.

[p3tchescorner]

I work today so I'll just continue drinking a lot of water and eat a quesadilla with sour cream afterwards and that should put me around 990 cals. I have 410 cals to do whatever with so either I'll decide what to do with it.