p3bble2

[p3bble2]

Heyyyyyy. Haven’t been on here for a little bit. A bit if an update:

Tw sh and Ed talk

So I r3laps3d after a month and three days. But to be honest it felt good. I almost couldn’t stop. It’s so addicting and feels so good😔 tbh I was about to 3nd it all. I don’t know why I didn’t. I really to have a reason to be here.

Anyways I’ve fasting for a little over 27 hours and I’m going to keep going because I feel motivated and I’m ready to be sk1nny. Especially since I might hang out with this dude in a week.

Yeah so enough of that. I sm0k3d for the first time a week ago and I got h1gh everyday for 6 days in a row. Hahaha pathetic I know. I would keep going but my sisters cart ran out so yeah. Anyways I took 8 lacs in two days. Haha at least I’m feel less f4t. Bruhh I sound so fucked up. What has my life fuck1ng become? I am a mess. Well that’s all for now. Thanks for ready and I hope y’all are doing alright. 💕

Edit: big sh TW⚠️

This was my worst episode. I was violently shaking and I felt insane? Like I was smiling and crazy about doing it. That’s not the best way to explain it. I have 17 new marks. None are d33p because it literally won’t go d33p. I don’t know how I’m suppose to hide my wrist especially. I almost c*t all the way around. I have work tomorrow🤭😭🤣 god I’m really stupid Huhh💀

[p3bble2]

I fucking hate this family😒 of course I allow myself to eat for thanksgiving while trying not to feel guilty and someone had to mention how much I’m eating. Like I didn’t even fill my plate all the way and I went up to get a little more two more time and they just had to be like I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve gone up there. Like… fuck off I’m going to starve myself for a while after I leave this place. Now I feel so fucking disgusting and fat. Thanks a lot fucking asshole😒

Shit and I don’t think I can purge because this house is small and the bathrooms aren’t that sound proof😭 I hate this so much. Save me💔

Edit: the transphobia….. I’m very disappointed in this family. Like why can’t y’all just be accepting and mind you own damn business. Bro and the homophobia… my questioning ass better stay quite but like these people are pissing me off😒 like… now they are dissing pronouns🤨 how does that affect you? Like just respect other people.

[p3bble2]

Gosh I fucking hate myself! Like I’m not even hungry. I’m just bored! Like food doesn’t even taste good anymore. Why can’t I stop? I don’t even need to eat😒

Ughhhh. I really need to go throw up but my sister is taking forever in the bathroom. Like hurry up! 😭 I’m so fat and heavy. I need to empty myself. All this weight and grossness make me so uncomfortable.

I also have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow and I don’t know if they’ll be able to tell that I force myself to throw up. I hope they won’t notice it don’t say anything. Maybe I could fast tomorrow since I’ll be busy mostly all day with school then the appointment and probably homework!! You know what.. I’ll try. Keep me accountable!

God I fucking hate myself! I need to not eat for a week so I can be skinny when I go visit my cousins but like I’m just a fat pig. I need motivation now!!

Also I relapsed with sh last night. I honestly was just bored… like I don’t even know why I did it. I liked to see the b100d well up. I mean I don’t go deep but it’s just a relief when I do it. Bro and like so after I was not I wore long pants and went on a car ride with my sister and after I got done my leg felt wet and we I got to my room I checked my leg and it was bl33d1n9 again💀💀 like that had never happen ones before and I was just drying laughing💀

Also I’ve been trying to draw more to help myself. I’m a horrible artist and I mean HORRIBLE but like if you want me to post some of my work I will. I normally trace pictures and then shade them myself but the smaller doodles I just find inspo and then try to do them myself.

[p3bble2]

I hate myself. I’m a fat ugly pig who no one loves.

Anyways… I was feeling like relapsing with sh again so I went to look at other peoples sh to help the feeling pass… stupid and weird I know… but then seeing all the b100d and how deep others went made the urges stronger. Yay😆😕

I have so much homework to do but like I have no motivation😔😒 but like obviously I’ll get it done on time because I’m scared of failure 😫

Like no one even notices how hurt and broken I feel. I have good grades that’s why right? People with good grades and pays attention aren’t actually struggling? Hahah yeah..

Sometimes I feel like I’m just faking it… like what if I don’t actually have depression, anxiety, or and ed? Like I haven’t been diagnosed for and Ed because I lie. Like what if I’m just seeking attention? It’s like I hate being the center of attention and talking but I just want someone to notice..? I don’t know maybe I’d still rather be alone and unnoticed..?

Bruhhh does anyone know how to restrict without eating so much.. that made no sense but I don’t know how to phrase it. Like I’ve been eating to much these last few months and I’ve gained. I fucking hate myself. Please give me advice😞 AND DONT FUCKING TELL ME IM GOING TO HURT MY BODY AND ITS BAD FOR ME!!! I DONT CARE! IM SO TIRED OF THIS UGLY FATTNESS! I need to lose weight before I go visit my cousins. And I need to being skinny to feel good about myself. I need to be skinny so people will like me. I just want to be liked by some pretty person💔

Bro my mom just texted me saying she made brownies💔😒 fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Perfect timing am I right…🙁 but I’m not going to have any because I at stupid ugly fat pig and need to stop saying I’ll restrict tomorrow and start right now and actually follow through.

Anyways tips are appreciated😊 I know basically all of them but they aren’t working for me sooooo please have good ones. Also send me mean sp0 or something because I deserve to be put down for being fat and ugly.

Oh I also got my nose piercings and my parents still don’t know🤪

Damn I’m sorry that I just went on a rant like that😂😅 anyways if you read this far thank you❤️ I hope you are having a decent day❤️ bye for now. Oh and sorry for all the spelling errors if there are any. I was typing fast and literally can’t type for the life of me🤪

Edit: if y’all want me to post what I eat I can. Mostly so I can hold myself accountable and if I eat to much I’ll be embarrassed and be stricter on myself. 😭💀 or and maybe comment some easy work outs I can do because I’m been to tired to move and do any which is dumb. I’m a lazy fat pig🤪

[p3bble2]

I hate myself but whatever. My throat is so sour right now and I can’t sleep. I’m a failure and disappointment. Anyways I’m getting my nose pierced tomorrow and my parents don’t know💅🏼🤪

[p3bble2]

Heyyyy! So like today was pretty rough. I was so tired and had really bad headaches through out the day. I felt exhausted and just wanted to sleep. I managed a 50 hour fast but then I binged😒. I feel so stupid. I tried to purge but only got a little up so I freaked out and asked to go to target. But before I could do that my dog got outside the house and there was another dog coming and they had a braking mess. I tried to get him and the other person was so rude. Not to mention some other person got involved🙄. I felt so stupid because it was an accident and my dog didn’t even hurt the other or the person yet they were being so disrespectful. 😕 I had to fight off a panic attack in my room once I got him back in the house. I couldn’t breathe and I felt really ill. But once I calmed down I went to target. I finally bought laxatives and slim tea so I took three pills. I am fighting the urge to talk more but I’m pretty sure three will be good enough. I haven’t felt the effects quite yet but to be honest, I can’t wait to shit this junk out of me. I feel so gross. I’m so tired of food. Food, to be honest, doesn’t even taste good to me😕 like I only eat when I’m bored and want the time to go by faster which is so stupid😭. But I’ll hopefully do another 2-3 day liquid fast to hopefully look at least somewhat skinny. I should not have eaten today💔 I could have been skinnier if I didn’t eat today. I was so happy when I saw the number go down and allowed myself to eat. Now the regret is so deep☹️💔 anyways I think the lax is kicking in. I can hear it and feel movement🤪 hopefully k can mange the next days fasting. I have a few low cal drinks to help me. I probably won’t drink the tea tomorrow since I have work and don’t want to spend the whole night shitting my guts out. You know what I might go make some of the tea right now to try it. But the thing is a have a feeling I’m going to be shitting my guts out all night since I took the pills kind of late😟 oops

Update: this tea nasty as ever bro🥲 I’m still trying to force myself to drink it cause I need to extra boost but I feel like I’m bout to hurl when I do. Also my stomach is starting to hurt worse which is a sign.

[p3bble2]

So I’ve failed what I said last. Yeahhhhh…. Well now I’m going to try to lose as much as I can by fasting/liquid fast for 5 days. I’m so nervous cause I reallyyyyy don’t want to look fat😭😭

Any ways here is my calendar for October. Not sure who made it but credits to who did because it is really pretty. (I added pur9ed)

As you can see…not doing great but today I fasted. Well…

One monster: 10 cal

Some other energy drink: 20 cal

But I basically burned it off by walking from class to class and I also walked home which burns over 114 cals, so I’m not counting it as breaking the fast. I hope I can keep it up for the next four days. I am prepared with three other monsters, gum, and two propels(flavored water with 0 cal, really good would highly recommend:) )

[p3bble2]

So like homecoming is coming up in like a little less than two weeks and I’ve been over eating and gained. So I’m doing a two day fast(today and tomorrow) and then I’m going to do this di3t.

I’m really scared since this is my first homecoming and I want to look skinny. I’m really mad at myself for having so much but since I fasted for 29 hours yesterday I did lose a little. I really hope I can get skinny enough before homecoming. I’m really sick and tired of eating all the time. It makes me feel horrible and really depressed to be honest. I’m going to write in this blog everything I eat until homecoming to hopefully keep myself in track.

[p3bble2]

So like my family is arguing again. I’m trying to block it out but I can’t. Right now they are arguing about food. Like person A is saying that they don’t buy them food. I specifically ask for certain things (because I have a fucking eating disorder, not that they know) and person A is listing what is mine and what is other peoples. It is really triggering. Like it makes me never want to eat anything. I don’t know exactly how to describe it and I’m so sick of this. I wish I could leave but I have no friends and no where to go.

[p3bble2]

Hello! You can call me pebbles. I am 15, undiagnosed, and am going to be documenting my Ed here. I am not pro in any way and hope recovery for everyone, this is just my way to cope.

Things about me:

I like:

Kpop

kdramas

BL

Minecraft

reading

Art (but I suck)

True crime (podcasts)

Animals

I am shy and am not very good at talking to people even over the internet. So don’t expect me to reach out too much haha🥲

Anyways, I hope every one is doing well and remember to stay hydrated and take care of yourselves😙