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Substance abuse

When I was young my father would let me have sips of his beer, when I got older and he passed my mother offered to buy me alcohol, at that time I refused but I would’ve said yes within the last year, I filled my liver full of alcohol each night to numb feelings until I passed out, I mean i could stop at anytime but I didn’t want to because being intoxicated made me, me, it made me someone. I was an depressed drunken mess who didn’t know how to deal with feelings too confusing to understand now because of the constant intoxication leaving me sunken in and with a melted brain, but for a moment in those drinks, shots, beers, I had clarity and felt happy, though the pain outweighed it I still seeked for the minute of joy from forgetting everything that’s ever happened to me, I guess it was nice to forget evernight.

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Inner child

(A poem I wrote about a year ago)

I don’t believe I have one

I may be playful at times

Bubbly and cheerful

But I cannot find that inner child

Locked far far away

Memory’s that are fading more and more

Each day that passes on

As I get more tired and exhausted

Being unable to leave bed

I can no longer remember what’s it like

To have that childhood wonder

To have playful memories

of when I was young

Even when I do remember

There’s not much there

Just a blurry memory

Of when I use to be happy

Playing along with friends

Like corrupted film

On an old camera

With no audio and blurry visuals

As all of my past loved ones faces fading

They’re loving voices gone

Swept under the rug like some dust

Warm memory’s replaced

Now with distraught thoughts

Trusted ones now gone

I’d love to have an inner child

Though I fear

They’re already gone

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Dopamine

When one is not given the love and appreciation as a child they will find other ways of getting it, they will do whatever it takes for people to love, want and need them, to over-sexualize themselves even when they don’t want to, but have to. To be self-destructive to the point people notice finally, no matter what it takes. To act out for the bit of attention they may receive, no matter good or bad. To be another person so that they can feel appreciated, truly it’s an addiction, for the 15 seconds of dopamine they get when someone, anyone pays attention to them. 10 seconds of dopamine they receive from doing more and more as the habits slowly deteriorate them. The 5 seconds of dopamine as the lying, the drinking, the smoking, the harming, the sex kills them faster and faster. The 1 second of dopamine as they are left a shell within themselves, still longing for something to fill the void.

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Hypersexual

(TW)

From a young age watching adult videos, to getting sexually assaulted, or from people barely liking me, to people just wanting me for my body, I grew numb to the pain that is being used, I became hypersexual because that’s the only thing people wanted from me, the only thing that I was good for, a piece of eye candy you could grab at any point. And when you find someone who truly cares for more then your body, you tend to screw it up by thinking he just wants Me not me. Feeling distraught and confident when looking at yourself, thinking the same thought for both “everyone just wants you”, truly can’t help it though for that’s what your use to.

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I have no idea who I am

When from a young age you are told you are weird for being yourself you lie to mask the person that others dislike, through the years you will lose yourself day by day when people look at you in annoyance and disgust when you show yourself, so you forget yourself to become someone who people like, someone who you could have a beer with. When you find someone you can trust and they don’t leave you for being yourself you still have to lie, because now you feel disgusted with your own emotions and being just for existing.