onlydances

[onlydances]

moving to @bykori

[onlydances]

violetta komyshan via instagram

[onlydances]

(c)

[onlydances]

♡ isabelle mathers via instagram ( isabellemathersx )

[onlydances]

CULPA MIA (2023)

[onlydances]

"I think..." his voice is quiet, hand rubbing at the back of his neck and eyes dropping from her face, "I think we should break up, Jean." He brings his eyes back up, finding her gaze, "Like... be honest with ourselves. Are we gonna last past this summer?"

theo's senior year and jean's junior year had been the time of their lives. they were known to be the power couple of the mountain valley high school theatre department, and they were unstoppable. their chemistry? unmatched, even beyond the fact that celia had two additional talents. jean's single talent was enough to dance circles around the starlet, and she was completely unbothered when theo and celia were cast as leads together in the winter-spring musical. jean was confident in her relationship, confident in how strongly she felt for theo. he was her first love.

the one thing looming over them was the summer. their last twelve weeks before theo was off to new york and jean was left in colorado. it was a big 'what if' hanging over them, and people weren't silent in their questions. what are you two going to do? are you going to try out a long distance relationship? are you worried he's going to find someone in new york? the only answers she had to that was that she didn't know. she just wanted to enjoy it while she had it.

graduation had came and went, and school was officially out for the summer. theo had been over for dinner, as per usual. her parents adored him and considered him a son of their own. they knew they were hormonal teenagers, and as long as they waited at least another five years to make them grandparents, they trusted them. so, they were sitting in jean's room after dinner. theo was laid across the foot of the bed on his side, and jean was sitting against the pillows cross-legged. and the elephant that had been hanging out in all corners of their relationship was suddenly addressed.

the confession that he thought they should break up caused her chest to tighten and something to break within it, but she knew he was right. who was she to hold him back from truly exploring himself? new york was meant for him to figure himself out, and if she ended up there in a year . . . maybe they could try to rekindle something. it didn't make it hurt any less, which showed in the way she paused to stare down at her hands in her lap as tears started to sting her eyes. she loved theo with her entire heart . . . but maybe part of that also meant letting him go, even if she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready to.

" no, i . . . i think you're right. i just -- fuck, " she murmured, releasing a watery little laugh as she lifted a hand to rub at her eye that was threatening to spring a leak. " i - i . . . do you want to do this n - now? or at the end of the summer? i just . . . i think my heart's going to need time to get ready to lose you like that . . . not that i don't want to be friends after! god, i can't just lose you fully , you're my best friend -- " she was rambling.

@santafeilure

[onlydances]

(c)

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[onlydances]

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[onlydances]

This can't ever happen again. CULPA MIA (2023)

[onlydances]

― Louise Glück, October

[onlydances]

the rockettes had been jean's dream since she was six years old and had experienced her first new york city christmas. the magic of this time of year had fully infected the small, bright-eyed little girl, and seeing the troupe of women dance with such grace in their holiday-the costumes? they were goddesses amongst mortals, and jean knew that she wanted - nay, had - to be a part of it someday.

she knew that there was a strict size requirement in order to create cohesion amongst the group. five-foot-five to five-foot-ten and a half. standing at five-foot-nothing, jean knew she was five inches short of the minimum requirement, but in her delusions of grandeur, that didn't matter. her talent and heart would make up for those inches and beyond. she had memorized all of the routines she could get her hands on in her girlhood, and when she received the audition combination, she poured herself into extra hours at the studio in order to perfect every single detail. no one was more prepared than jean. no one wanted this more than her.

the morning of the audition, she had risen early to stretch and pack her dance bag. she had fueled herself with protein-rich oatmeal topped with blueberries, hemp seeds, and banana in an attempt to arm herself fully to fight for the position she felt she was born for. before she left, she gave her still sleeping boyfriend a kiss and murmured a ' good morning, i love you ' before she headed out of their apartment and into manhattan to the auditions at the famed rockefeller center.

there, she tried to size up her competition after shedding her layers down to her dance clothes and changing into her character shoes. most were significantly more long-legged than she, but she didn't let that rattle to her. again, she was going to let her talent speak for itself. 

when her number was called, her heart seized in her chest for a moment, but she breathed through it. she collected herself and stepped into the audition room. flashing a winning smile at the bleak faces behind the table, she stated her name.

hello. my name is jean jordan. number three-thirty-seven. 

when the music began, it took over any sort of nerves she had. all of that anxious energy was channeled into pure adrenaline and fire. her body naturally worked to create beautiful lines and fluid motions, and this audition truly could not have gone better in her opinion. when she hit her final pose, she exhaled a breath and boasted a proud grin, eyes flickering to the table of judges… who were staring at their phones or sorting through headshots and resumes boredly. her brow furrowed slight before someone finally got the memo that she was finished and flicked half a glance up at her.

you don't meet the height requirements. next. w-wait, were you… did you watch me dance? did you even give me a chance? did you even read the requirements? next time, read the call sheet instead of wasting our time. you didn't even watch me dance… that'll be enough. next!

right there in that studio space, jean felt something deep within her break. it wasn't jean, the adult, standing there. it was six year old jean, being told that her talent didn't make up for a rule she couldn't control. she felt her throat swell and eyes start to burn before she clicked her way out of that room, throwing off her heels and slipping into her boots as fast as she could in her flustered state. she tugged her sweatpants and coat over her tights and leotard and bolted out of rockefeller center as fast as she could. 

the cold wind was unforgiving despite how bright the sun was shining, flushing her cheeks and stealing the breath she was already struggling to maintain. she didn't text theo. she couldn't text theo. or anyone. as she sank into the depths of the subway, she fell into a state of numbness that the thing she wanted more than anything, the one thing she was good at, was turned to dust because of a technicality beyond her control. they didn't care that she knew every routine. that she spent countless hours perfecting this combination. that she had just spent hours while hundreds of girls went in and out of that room. they didn't care that she would strap on five inch heels and make it work just to be a part of this troupe. they didn't care.

she dreaded walking into the apartment and telling theo what had happened. she knew she'd have to tell kris and the rest of the vom squad, too. and her parents? god, her parents had been so excited. she was going to have to let people down just like she was. she was going to have to relive that audition room again and again and again. she was humiliated. 

after the walk from the subway station to their apartment building, she slowly climbed the stairs and quietly jingled the keys as she unlocked the door. she could hear theo somewhere in the apartment as she shut the door and locked it behind her, her chest tightening when she heard him step into the entryway when she didn't answer his initial greeting. she didn't know what to say. she was barely hanging on by a thread. 

she slowly turned from the door towards where @santafeilure stood and managed a weak, quivering smile despite the glistening behind her eyes. she simply gave her head a shake before the dam burst with a quiet sob, hanging her head and bringing a hand up to try to shield her face.

[onlydances]

jean knew that dating theo bradley pearson was some sort of status symbol in the theatre department, especially in the way that they were maintaining the long distance relationship. she really liked theo. his texts made her grin from ear to ear, and her heart always fluttered when she'd see his picture pop up for a facetime call. he was her dream guy who was living his own dream in the big city. and when she graduated? she was going to join him, and they were going to finally assume their power couple status that they were only holding in ghostly form with his absence.

of course, long distance relationships were tough too. he was busy. she was busy. and as her senior year went on, the busier she got with college visits, applications, events, recital prep, competition season, and now the auditions for the winter-spring musical. the big show of the year. her final show at mountain valley high school.

she had gotten to know max that very day the callback. she found herself relating to him with her own athleticism, and the attention he gave her? it subconsciously fed something in her that she was missing . . . but no. no, she had just officially started getting to know that guy beyond sitting a few rows away in pre-calc. so, what if he was nice . . . and funny . . . and made her feel needed?

she had just been helping him tying his body language into their partner piece, and the run through had resulted in her throwing her head back with a laugh. one that trailed off once she heard a familiar voice. initially, she didn't hear the tone. just the voice that echoed around her. the voice that was present.

" theo?! " she immediately straightened as her brown eyes lit up, a grin stretching across her lips. she squealed and quickly bounced over to jump into a giant hug. " what are you doing here?! i thought you were coming sunday?! "

He was visiting. Earlier than expected, but with intentions to surprise @onlydances. The two of them had been working as best they could to have a long distance relationship. He wasn't the best at it, mind you. He tended to be too busy to keep up with everything, but he did his damn best to be good and loyal to her. Which, if you knew him, was harder than it sounded. He was an in-person kind of guy... he preferred knowing she was right there, but obviously with her in her last year of school... she couldn't do that. She called him, texted, facetimed... but visits? They hadn't seen each other since the summer. Summer. That was months ago. Months of talking when they could... when his schedule would allow. It was trying and he was growing antsy with the fact it'd been that long. So maybe call him needy or dependent, but he was eager to see Jean again and fulfill whatever want he had with being back.

He knew she was in callbacks and it's what brought him to the high school, every intention to give her a final 'break a leg'. Not to mention he wanted to see Tony Mango and get caught up on what he's doing. The guy had been Theo's biggest fan when he was in school-- his and Celia's. But that name was a taboo around Jean. But really. He was coming around to surprise her and he'd just gotten into town. He could've waited until after the auditions, but he was excited to see her.

What he didn't expect to walk in on was Jean in the arms of someone else. Granted it looked like they were just dancing, but something about the giggling that he followed said something different. And the way they were looking at each other? It was hard not to say something immediately, especially the words that fell out of his mouth, "What the hell is this mess?"

[onlydances]

you wonder what you’re doing here — what the fuck’s become of me.

[onlydances]

𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐝. she's also a senior in the 𝑚𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑣𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑟𝑒 𝑔𝑢𝑖𝑙𝑑 and she is thrilled to be playing the 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 for her 𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑡ℎ 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑒𝑐𝑢𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑤. previous credits include 𝒅𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒊 𝒄𝒐𝒅𝒆: 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍, 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡𝑒𝑥𝑎𝑠 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑎𝑤 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙, and 𝑯𝑶𝑵𝑲! thanks to mom, dad, bob fosse, 𝑙𝑎𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑎, and miss elaine, 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒓.

[onlydances]

trying to make it in new york wasn't easy, but it was still a dream worth chasing. after being accepted to nyu for dance, jean had convinced her boyfriend to give the city another try with a bat of her eyelashes and a but i'll be there pout. now, they lived in a shoebox apartment in brooklyn and commuted their way around the city to classes and auditions.

this week had been particularly hard. one of jean's biggest dreams was to a rockette, and she had been surprised to nab an audition despite knowing she didn't make the height requirement. she was honest on her resume. okay, kind of. she put she was 5'2", but that was still three inches under the minimum! she was given the chance to perform the sixteen count routine that they had been sent in advance, and she had poured her soul into it. maybe she was good enough to be an exception. maybe she could make history. but after her finishing pose, her eyes had flickered to faces that were annoyed and disinterested. your dancing is . . . fine, but you don't meet the requirements. next!

with that she had been dismissed, and she had taken a pit stop in the studio's bathroom on her way out to let out some of those frustrations. height wasn't something she could just fix! she had the talent, all of the makings, but her stupid body was turning against her again. she had stopped growing in seventh grade, big whoop! she could out dance any of those girls in that room!

she had spent that night venting to theo, but she had tried not to let it ruin her week. there was still the new york city ballet, another big dream of hers. broadway. there were still possibilities.

by the time friday rolled around, jean had gotten home a couple of hours before theo, so she started to create a spread. their coffee table was bedecked with two bowls of homemade tomato soup and a platter of grilled cheeses cut into little triangles and some cheaper options of lunch meat, cheese, fruit, jam, and crackers to make a budget-friendly charcuterie board.

she had just finished arranging everything when she heard the front door open, straightening up to find @santafeilure walk through the door. " hi, " she breathed out with a grin as she stood before her creation. " i think . . . we need to find reasons to celebrate so we don't burn out here, and i just -- this is my mom's tomato soup recipe, and it always makes me feel better. and i know it's been a hard week for both of us -- "

she was rambling. she closed her eyes and exhaled another breath to try again, a smile spreading across her lips. " hi. how was your day? "

[onlydances]