onlychorus

[onlychorus]

God I was so distracted today. I spent all morning and afternoon washing my sheets and giving the cats a bath. They're clean and I hope the flea situation will stop soon. I'll keep spraying and cleaning.

But really...After that I didnt do much at all. I have to work on that commission, post online, and prepare to get back to work. But everything is just spending money constantly, I hate it. Sigh...

Then my skin isn't looking so good lately... Very spotty with swollen bumps. I don't understand, I've been using the skin lightening lotion everyday for a while now. Why are my arms and back still so spotty and getting more bumps?

Maybe my period is coming soon, so that's why I'm so distracted and on edge. But really, I need to lock in fast. I don't want to return to work being so disorganized and mindless. I need to focus because things are only going to get more difficult from now on.

[onlychorus]

Sigh. Summer is ending with a bang. Just a stressful one, for me. My employment remains uncertain. Its up to me searching for positions on SubCentral or emailing schools.

My cats have fleas, again. So far it isn't as bad as last time. But I have to nip it fast before it does get bad. I've been vacuuming and spraying down the place, but I need to keep it up for at least a week to be sure. Tomorrow, I will wash my bed sheets and pillows. Then I'll bathe Mama and Spica. They're going to hate it but it needs to be done. I'll also vacuum again just to be safe.

I cooked today. I fried some tilapia with panko and it tasted sooo good. I feel happy about it. So I'm set for the week for dinner.

I'm trying to prepare myself for returning to work and professional environments. I need to maintain my hair because I won't be taking out these braids soon.. I should be good with shoes. I could use another comfort slip in and a rain shoe. Another light jacket would be good. I need casual shirts and some nice blouses in case I need dress up for an interview.

I'm also trying to think of what I would have for breakfast and lunch... I alternated between tea and oatmeal. I'm trying to manage my sugar intake more... For lunch, I always had a green apple with chips. The problem was I always came home and overeat on whatever junk I could find. I...really don't know yet. I have to budget well because I'll have big expenses to make soon. I should stick to green apples and granola bars.

Alright, I'm going to clean up, prepare my online shop order and get ready for bed. I need to wake up early tomorrow.

[onlychorus]

So my birthday passed... It was alright. I guess. Didn't plan anything, not particularly close to anyone to hang out like that. Spent a stupid amount of money on things. Whatever...

So now I'm no longer on health insurance. Good thing I got my glasses, skincare, and general health checkups through. Now...I have to stay relatively healthy until I have a full-time position somewhere.

Speaking of, there's positions opening up but...they are asking for interviews for some reason.

Evening now... Spent most of the day in my head, distracting myself...Took care of the cats, swept up, cleaned my room a little. Gotta get back into art though. I have a commission to the rough draft of...and other work to finish.

I just feel a bit strange. I hope I can lock in tomorrow.

[onlychorus]

Spending plans : Paint Tool Sai 2 - $50

Braid Hair - $120+

Daily wear Shirts - $40

Herbal Supplements - $50-$70

__

Always gotta spend to move forward...sigh..

Before Sai2, I want to finish a couple more WIPs before I buy it. Because, I'll have to adapt to new brushes and dimensions and it'll take some time. I'll be getting my hair braided next Monday.

Preparing to go back to work , or something, I still don't have that set out. I actually got an email about another school...though not my preference, I thought it could be something good. So I replied right away and then...nothing. Surely, it was too good to be true. And I may not even have the credentials to work in such a nice school. I guess I'm stuck being tard wrangler for another 6 months.

I'm wanting to put some more effort into this NBE thing... But It's going to take a lot of work and money. I should give a try...I need to improve myself so I can at least enjoy my youth.

I'm thinking...I need to pull away from internet content and become more normal... Or just more...not how I am now. Sigh... I just can't believe I have to live on like this, without my only friend. Everyday is just hell. I'll never be close to anyone ever again, not at this point...

[onlychorus]

I found some information about NBE...It sure is a lot. I'm still skeptical...but I want to try some of their methods. As long as its not too expensive. Also...Some of their methods crossover with hairgrowth so I might as well try.

I need to improve my diet to include more protein it seems. I would like to include more fish when I can. Then add more beans and nuts.

I have to take more supplements. I'm going to start back on Fenugreek. Then I'll need to buy more Vitamin C.

[onlychorus]

Feeling a little detached from reality...the loneliness is getting to me again. I'll try to pull myself in a little more.

Yesterday, I finally posted the giveaway to twitter. It's getting a decent amount of traction, better than what I would get on DA. I also reached 1500+ followers, so my summer goal is complete. It isn't much but its good growth for me. I hope I can reach 3k by October.

Sigh...I'm struggling with feeling anything...genuinely.. I thought I would be happy about posting the giveaway and getting those birthday wishes... But I don't. Or excited for gaining new followers...I don't care as much as I thought. Or when I find something new to read, I get bored of it quickly.

I know why I am unhappy but I don't know how to like mitigate it all. I know I'll never fully happy but I can at least try to find enjoyment in some things... But I do not. Not much makes me feel anymore...

Since its nearing the weekend, I'm going to focus on finishing some more WIPs. First, I'll get through a batch of composition practicing. I'm liking the refs I have a lot. They're helping me so much.

In fact, if there's one thing I feel happy for, is that my skill is improving more and more. I still struggle a lot. And I'm coming to understand that it is just that I need let myself get into a lull with art. As in, just draw the same things over and over while building up my technical skill. I keep pressuring myself to be creative and unique and grow with each piece when I don't yet have the foundations of my style, skill or even themes I like to draw. So I'll try to just focus on being consistent and maintaining my skill level.

[onlychorus]

Into another day, feeling a little out of it.

I cleaned a bit, swept, washed some dishes, put them away, cleaned the stove and the bathtub. I'm learning it really isn't easy to keep the house clean. But cleaning bi-weekly helps a lot. Though I don't think anyone would appreciate my efforts though.

Cats are doing well. Vega is growing a lot. I can't pick her up with one hand anymore...she's no longer a small kitty... Babie on the other hand, has been losing weight. I'm not sure if I should be concerned about that... She seems fine, has an appetite, sleeps, plays...she is just much thinner than before. Spica is still as fat as ever...she sleeps a lot but runs around when she's ready. I need to keep an eye on her though...

Art...art... Well, I finally started designing characters for H.Dei... it's been fun. I need to finalize them soon.

[onlychorus]

Well what's left in de-losering myself... driver's license, actively working towards a career path, social media presence, having regular friends...

Then my appearance...growing my hair, learning makeup, losing just a little more weight (to be <120lbs), whitening teeth, toning body, fixing hyperpigmentation on body (knees, elbows, shoulders), growing my chest...

There's still lots to do until I feel confident to put myself out there.

[onlychorus]

The rainy season passed but I already miss it. The sunny day and clear sky feels vexing somehow...

I went out to get my last tretinoin prescription. This time it was $45 because the insurance didn't cover it anymore. Alright....whatever. Iit's still better than $100+ and its something that works. The only thing is by the end of August, I'll have to stop using it since it would be 3+ months since I started. At least I have about half the tube left, the gel and now a full one. I should be good with skin products for the next couple of months.

The rest of me though... I still have a ways to go. Hair is still my biggest hurdle. I don't like my hair. I just want it to be longer at the front, and thicker. It keeps breaking and breaking. It's such a chore to manage it everyday. And a cost-sink to spend on products that may do something good for it. I'll be getting my hair braided soon...but for what? A few birthday pictures? Sigh...

Depression is really getting to me today. My head hurts too. I just want to sleep in. But...I need to be productive and prepare myself for the future. I'll need shirts for daily wear. I found a place to buy a couple for around $40. Still pricey but they may be better quality than Shein clothes... Next..is what I'll eat on the daily... Breakfast could be oatmeal, tea, or yogurt, or fruit. Lunch...a granola bar and apple? Everyday...? Uhh...Can't eat bread... Soups..? Sigh...I don't know.

Cried thinking about my friend, I feel so empty inside but I still want to live well for her.

[onlychorus]

So of course...for the remaining of the month, I won't start any new illustrations unless they're commissions. I'll be finishing all my WIPs. And I'll focus more on composition practicing too.

I think I'll try to get 2 more commissions , then buy PaintToolSai2, so I can stop feeling like a loser for using a pirated one..

I'm already feeling at ease about my decision. Pulling away from the pressure to grow my platform and focus on my skills instead. I feel like a weight as been lifted off my head. A weight I was putting on myself for no reason.

There's no need for me to announce anything...I barely have an audience. Instead, I think I'll just make commission promotional posts, and offer limited slots of deals.

I really want to change the way I do things. I hope tomorrow can be a good start for me.

[onlychorus]

There's a lot on my mind...I'll start with the good things. So I got my lab results back, and I have successfully lowered my A1c levels back into the healthy range. Cutting out all that bread and rice and pasta, finally paid off. But I do have to keep it up. I'm only at 5.6, and 4.8 is the other end of range, so It would be good to be below 5.6.

I cooked for the week, I got some more bean sprouts to cook to replace rice with. Oh, and my deodorants came. They're good, and last well on me. I should be good with deodorant for the rest of the year now. The next self-care/beauty thing is my hair. I'll be getting my hair braided...perhaps Monday. I haven't had braids in a year so it will be something to adjust to. Oh and I got another prescription for the tretinoin. It will be my last one on the insurance though. I have to go pick it up tomorrow.

Well now for the bad... I've been struggling with art...creativity and building up my pages. I'll say it clearly. It's lonely online. Without my friend, it's so very lonely. I'm not into any kinds of media, I don't play games, or watch any shows. So I don't do fanart or anything interesting. It's hard to connect with people and even find like minded artists.

I'm trying to give myself some grace (I said before), I'm only getting it art because of this summer break. As soon as I start back work, I'll probably draw less again. Granted, from November until May, I was going through a lot: Grieving, adapting to my first job, dealing with those shit kids/coworkers. It was such crazy transition I had to deal with alone. I stuck through and came out on the other side. Now as of June, I'm lucky, in regard to my art, that my skill has improved. But I lost so much of myself. All my ideas, my drive, creativity, feels gone. It's so difficult for me to create like I used to. But to be honest, I was never that good at being creative. I had always struggled with executing my ideas. I feel like I have no identity. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. And I'm so very lonely.

I'm trying to change myself but it's so hard when I don't know myself. I don't know how to present myself to others. How much longer will I live this way...

But, what I have ultimately decided, is that I need to stop what I'm doing : Putting time and effort into random illustrations and getting little return. I've been doing that for years now. It's time for me to work smarter and harder. I need to look at the art and designs I like, and start learning from them. If I want to build my platforms, I need to do it with appealing art. So I intend to ask for paid sketch requests of fanart through Ko-fi. They should generally low-effort but still visually appealing. While I focus more on developing design skills. It may not lead me to getting much profit... So I think I'll work on developing a chibi style to sell. And as I said before, I'll do YCHs to sell.

So those are my plans for the last quarter of the year. There's still a lot of real like crap that will get to me. But I will not give up on my dreams to be an illustrator and make a living of my work. I'm going to be successful , I just need to work harder and smarter.

[onlychorus]

Locked in but outside circumstances interrupted, again. But...It's okay.

Today , I decided it to be a cleaning day. So far, I cleaned the cat bowls, the radiator where I prepared the cat food, wiped the downstairs walls, vacuumed the downstairs, vacuumed the living room, and cleaned some dishes. I prepared the chicken and cabbage to cook. Now I have to vacuum my room. I would have but I had to eat something to take my vitamins. Babie is sleeping at my legs on my bed for the first time in a while...Ah I don't want to get up.

But it's been nice, to clean, to have the house to myself, play with the cats. My main motive is to keep their frequent areas clean and safe for them. I want them to be healthy. So I consider their areas precious and to be mine as well. I actually was speed-cleaning because I thought my mother would come back soon. But she seems to be gone for a while... I want to clean the walls of the downstairs more. There's a lot of grease and dirt stains but they are easy to clean off. It's...not necessary but it looks good aesthetic-wise. Its the foyer where people enter so...it should look clean. Not like anyone really comes to house like that anyway though...

Not much to have for breakfast... I'm having my yogurt with flax seeds and grapenut. I've gotten used to the plain taste of this yogurt brand. I have to start investing in some fruit to have daily soon...I like bananas because they're more filling. But I don't want them everyday... and they ripe so fast. Tangerines are the way to go.

[onlychorus]

Locking in this week.

Starting my Coloso lesson, restarting my Excel lessons, and finishing up artworks.

Gotta post online, IG and Twitter. I'm thinking of hosting a raffle for August. I should do it soon.

Alright, let's go , 2 hours at least. Oh I could do the pomodoro timer.

[onlychorus]

So...where am I in de-losering myself. Probably the same place since I asked. Still need to : earn my driver's license, have consistent employment, clear old junk from room, learn how to do makeup, more money saved, hair to grow, a decent social media presence.

My numbers are abysmal across my accounts though...At least with art...Its about time for me to go quantity over quality and learn how to complete a sketch with flat colors and values without it taking it all day. What can I do...a daily art challenge? Or maybe an every other day challenge? Just so I can balance sketching and rendering works...

Ah well...I can't sit here thinking all day. I need to get up, finish some works, post online, and prepare for what's next.

[onlychorus]

So the event! The mini convention in my borough! It was...interesting. It was cool. I haven't been to a con since 2019 or so. This one was of course a lot smaller and contained. It had more of a focus on comics and some game media rather than anime. But I still liked it.

Sadly, I came back empty handed. I didn't see a single thing I wanted to purchase. Oh well.. But I did get motivated to someday host a table there. Of course I'll have to go back to being Auriant...But I keep the trajectory of improving my art from now until the new year...I would be able to create some illustrations to turn into merch.

So that is something to potentially work towards.

Ah and as expected...I didn't really meet any people. I did well with talking to others though. And took some nice photos.

One day I'll like to cosplay again too.

[onlychorus]

Here we go...Sunday , the kitchen is a mess. My father will blame me despite it being him leaving shit all over the place all week. I barely used the kitchen this week and cleaned up after myself each time and yet...I'll still get told I don't do anything around the house.

I got up, cleaned the bathroom, and cleaned the litter boxes. The cats are hungry and need their wet food. My father hasn't asked for money from me in a while. I don't know if he is fine or not. He'll soon spite me by saying I don't contribute but I do not know if he needs any help or not.

I just need to mind my business and keep working on myself..

So Its been some time since I've upgraded my tech... And I'm aware that everything has its limit. So lately I've been putting in effort to take care of my laptop and phone. I now shut down my laptop instead of leaving it on for days and days. I also try to get rid of files I no longer need. For my phone, I'm making sure not to hold on to things and clear out space routinely. I'll need to set money aside for a new laptop and tablet.

Last night I made good progress on the commission. I could have finished it but I spent the evening....unwinding from that event. I'll finish it today.

[onlychorus]

So today...I'm going to that 'convention' my town. The tickets were $20, and I'm going with my brother. I don't know what to expect. The last convention I went to was ANimeNYC and it was huge. This one is smaller and seems more comic focused but its a media convention nonetheless. I should try to loosen up and experience something new.

I'm a little nervous though...But I'll try to enjoy myself . Its a beautiful day too.

Oh I finally cleared my phone photos and stored them onto my pc. Just another part of letting go of things and starting a new.

So when I get back, hopefully in one piece and sound mind, I want to finish that commission. And then, I think I'll be ready to lock in to that Coloso course. I believe for me, it would be best to sacrifice the rest of the month to focus on 2D animation. I mean, I could even learn it within the 2 weeks too.

My brother is...unenthusiastic... sigh, no one, not even my own family, has an ounce of interest in me. But its better than going alone.

I really hope to have a good time. I should think positively..!