onlyalittledisgruntled

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

I wrote a long email to an ex-boyfriend of mine from years ago. I'm 32 now, and we were only 16 when we dated. We were together for three years before a friend told me that she had feelings for him and that they had hooked up at a college Halloween party. I hadn't asked him what really happened, I just broke up with him.

He was beautiful, and smart, and he loved deeply. I remember that he cried when I told him I didn't love him anymore. I sent a long email asking questions and talking about a lot of things regarding us, and I sent it to an email I thought he no longer used.

I got a reply after a week. I had no hope for anything, much less a reply. I thought the account was dead, and then I got scared to answer the email. I think I sat with it unread in my inbox for three days? I finally opened it on a random Wednesday, my son was sitting next to me at the dining table working on his homework.

He sounded so sweet, I imagined his husky voice speaking just the way it sounded in high school. I didn't know what 32 year old him looked like, when I searched his name, nothing came up online. He told me that he moved south to Nebraska from our little town in rural British Columbia. The last short paragraph made me stop. He told me he still loved me. That he hadn't married anyone, and that every person he dated reminded him of me.

I was a divorced mom of 3. I had been fired from my job recently. I had gained weight. A lot of it. I was depressed and felt absolutely shit about life. But reading that email made me happy. He still thought of me. I had asked him about the Halloween party to which he promised he had never even attended. I don't know... I felt stupid.

I don't regret where my life went and I certainly don't regret having my kids. But, I want to ask him to come back. Or to let me come to him. I'm still in love with him too. Is that bad? I don't know what to do.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

I caused my parent's divorce. My father and mother are very close, the type of lovebirds that have been in that honeymoon phase since forever. I grew up seeing them being affectionate and loving to one another, but in a weird way, it always felt like my father was competing with me for my mother's attention.

I was their only child at the time, and I wouldn't have any other siblings until I turned 8, which is when my 2nd brother was born, soon followed by my younger twin siblings. They were both pretty young when they had me, around 20, so they weren't exactly the most mature or responsible parents.

My father often became a wall between my mother and I. Whenever I had anything to ask her, he would answer instead or ridicule me for not knowing. He would convince me to stay home alone so he could take her on dates, and the worst memory I had was him "forgetting" to pick me up for an entire week while my mom was away on a business trip.

I often wondered if he was actually an evil step-father or something because he and I naturally hated each other. When I turned 14, I had had enough and I started doing terrible things and finding a way to make it look like my father did it. I would hide my mom's stuff, text her friends as my dad and say horrible things. I really turned our household upside down. Mom was tired from working all the time so she got pissed pretty easily, plus dad had a drinking habit when he got depressed from his codependency issues with mom. He would never remember what he did or did not do, so finally, when I was 15, they divorced.

I think he realised it was me about 5 years ago and has since not invited me to anything. My siblings go but never me. Honestly, I could give less of a shit because mom likes me a lot more now. I know he's dying inside because of it.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

the vibe i bring to the function

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

I like to think of me being evil as doing a good deed for the nice people out there. Like, let me give the shitty response to a strange asking for directions just so you can swoop in and help them instead! Is that psychopathic?

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

My brother got the old Wii to start working again.

8 years have passed and I sit at the T.V, the same one from 8 years ago and I allow the ache to clench at my nerves.

It was a sad time to be a child, yet it was the happiest, my happiest, as well.

Who am I now?

The games are brilliant in colour.

The music is nostalgic.

But I have changed.

The games don't feel the same.

I, sit here, a little leaf wilting at the edges. The fingerprint of my childhood does not match me.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

finding my peace by not being affected by mother acting like a victim whenever I talk about my feelings. this must be what moving on feels like.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

I think I've been in love, like truly, madly in love only once in my life. Or maybe multiple times? I'm not sure. Everything passes me by in a fit of colour and sound, I can't seem to hold onto anything too sharply.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

Bevensky called me at 4 a.m today to tell me that he regrets divorcing his wife, cheating on his diet and smashing the windshield of his sports car with a cricket bat. I told him to go back to sleep and he offered to make me a sangria if I came over to talk.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

Still thinking of buying an electric guitar. It's a weird temptation. Buying an electric guitar haunts me like the mirage of someone I loved but never got to meet. The ache for something I understand conceptually, yet it bears no alteration to my life physically. Is this about electric guitars?

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

Why can't my mother just be my mother. Why must she be my friend, my enemy, my nothing, my everything, my support and my downfall. Why must she be all of this and not just my mother.

[onlyalittledisgruntled]

Tried to skip my lunch break at work and felt god send vibrations through my brain not to. So I made a new Tumblr account as a result lmao