onedaythiswillstop

[onedaythiswillstop]

I’m a good friend... anything more is too much.

[onedaythiswillstop]

It’s fine

I’m fine

I’m “the best”... why want more?

I need a nap

[onedaythiswillstop]

I think I waited to be “ready” and I was “ready” too late.

[onedaythiswillstop]

The irony is not lost on me that I had a bad panic attack on World Mental Health Day.

I need to be better.

[onedaythiswillstop]

Trying something new, trying to get control back.

Even if it’s mutual, nothing is happening, nothing is moving. I’m going to try to be a grown up and get over him.... without causing any noise. I figured it’s the only way to maintain the friendship and that means more to be than any potential-ness this could have been.

It’s gonna suck, but I need to get control back. I’ve let him control this too long and it’s just nothing.

[onedaythiswillstop]

It’s not going to happen is it?

[onedaythiswillstop]

All I want is to be someone’s something.... 

I don’t think i’m meant to be anyone’s anything.

[onedaythiswillstop]

What if

I don’t even know what i would say to him if i had the opportunity to explain myself, my ... disadvantages.  Would i say everything?  That i don’t know what I'm doing, that i’ve never been kissed, that i’ve never done “this” before, that I don’t know how to read a guy if he’s interested or if i should take a chance or not.  I don’t want to ruin anything, even if that means that it comes to light that he’s just not interested.  i’ve come to rely on him for reassurance at work, in the world, even with myself.... I’ve come to want to be there for him through anything he wants me there for.  I just want him to be happy and calm and i don’t want to cause him stress... I want to be someone or something that can be a constant for him.

I realize that’s cowardly, i realize it’s not a good way to live... but i can’t help it when all my insecurities flair up... Guys just aren’t interested in me like that and even if by some chance he was interested in me... I’m sure i wouldn’t move at the speed that was considered normal.  I don’t know....  I would just rather be his friend, be a confidant, then ruin it by telling him i liked him.

I just feel like I keep being really obvious and saying everything but with him... like he has to know.... right?  Like i can’t hide it that well... right?   He seems to accept my words and the other things i’ve done for him... but am i letting myself be used, am i a doormat? Am I just a temporary stopover until someone that he actually wants shows up?  Is he just settling for me vaguely because I’m there?  

There is no way i’m his type.  Maybe on a basic sense - eye color, hair color, interest... but is he attracted to me?  Like i picture someone tiny, cute, compact, flat stomach, toned body, knows how to flirt, show interest, good fashion sense,  been kissed.... I’m literally none of those things.  I’m his height, I can’t dance,  i’m too clumsy, I’m too wordy, I’m too insecure, I’m too plain... 

I feel like I get reassures from him in little things he does, but will that be enough or again am i being pacified?

[onedaythiswillstop]

Ready

I really like this guy.  I’ve never liked anyone the way I like him and it’s scary but I love it too.  I think i’m ready to let him like me and that’s brand new.  It’s brand new to feel like this for someone vs. for the experience of having a guy interested.  I’m really trying to be cool, chill, and myself.  It’s all very difficult and stressful, but I want it. I want to be someone he leans on, i want to be someone that makes him smile, i want to be someone that he confides in, I want to be someone that he can just be with... Just all these things that are brand new for me.  

I think...no i’m pretty sure he’s into me. We talk almost everyday, whether in person or by texting, we talk about almost everything under the sun, we talk about taking trips and doing this or that together. ...it just feels like something. He seems like such a positive person, friend for me to have.  He checks on me, reassures me, makes me laugh, just I don’t know... like He’s just a great person for me to be around and i’m grateful for him.  

I’m just trying to go with the flow, but it certainly feels like the universe doesn’t want us to hang out.  I guess though we’ll see if it’s going to be something if we keep this up during this time of isolation... then maybe it is something good.

[onedaythiswillstop]

Just another one of those nights...

I have far more important things to worry about, but low and behold I always slide back to this.

What’s it like to not be pathetic?

[onedaythiswillstop]

For The Record

I’m scared that this is all for nothing. I know I’m gaining experiences, but I feel like I’m constantly on edge.

I don’t like it. I wish I could figure it out, without being blunt. What if I’m wrong and ruin everything?

[onedaythiswillstop]

Continual Complaints

I’m just simply not good enough. Never have been, never will be. I’m in therapy right? For like a year now and i just don’t think it’s working. At what point do i wake up and see my worth? Because let me tell you... I don’t. I’m nothing special.  My life could be anyone’s life.  You couldn’t distinguish mine from a million others.  I’m just a waste.   If someone does see this... yeah, i’m depressed, but that’s it.  I’m a generic human.  And I don’t know why I still care.

[onedaythiswillstop]

Again

Well, I did it. I reached the impossible... I'm 30 and never been kissed. I think it's time I give up, I think I've reached the end of my allotted time to experience all of that. At this point, I'm pathetic. At this point, I'm "just sad". I... I just don't know.

I really hate that I can't seem to turn off being attracted to guys wayyy out of my league. It's just my problem. I don't know what league I'm in, but it's no where near where I'm attracted. I wish I could rewire my brain, I just wish I could stop.

I can't just suck it up and just try it either. I just want to say "fuck it".... but god, I'm scared. Tell me someone who hasn't reached 30 and not been scared. It's just not going to happen. I'm stuck. I'm hopeless.

My life is just dedicated to being alone and a perpetual third wheel.

And even if I wanted to try and "date" or just fucking anything... I can't turn off the damn voice that wants to fucking scream that I'm paralyzed. That I'm a huge disappointment. I just can't. I'm stuck. I'm in a hole and it's too deep to get out of.

I guess I'm glad this is me and not someone else. I can handle it... I can handle being sad. It's not great, but I can still function.

[onedaythiswillstop]

[onedaythiswillstop]

Nothing

Just a 30-year-old wondering what it's like to kiss and accept affection.

[onedaythiswillstop]

[drawing of a gray cat saying “You are not behind in life. You are doing things at your own pace.” in a blue speech bubble.]

[onedaythiswillstop]

whom is trying to fall in love with me speak up