ohsoinfamousf-i-d

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

Me and my moms, right before the new year rolled in. zz 

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

My Dad+Elton John other MCA team members

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

World War Me

World War Me.

A battle oh so eternal, before the war begins, you'll still lose in the end. Can one wage war against his own subconscious and anything it may dictate? Is it even possible? If so, does this not add up to going against your own nature, and innate instincts? Can you truly change who you are? At your core? "Love yourself" "Accept who you are. Be proud of the person you've become" I am quite certain most everyone has heard something in relation to these statements through their lifetime. At least so we are told through our time here. I am not disagreeing with any of this, but it brings me to my question. What if who you are, is your own worst enemy? Constantly working against you, or trying to contradict what you may desire. Trying to corrupt even the most pure of thoughts and emotions, into all of the lesser, darker urges into nothing but something bleak... or reprehensible? Even what some would call evil?" That brings me to the "World War Me." To speak of the duality that resides in all of us, our hearts, and our minds.

Now to get more personal. Drawing my own experiences into this- Conundrum?

I have, always been at war with my own damn self. I know that I am, truly without any shadow of a doubt my own, worst enemy. Both the Hero and the villain in my own story. In spite of all this, even with this knowledge, it seems that it just allows you to be vulnerable , ultimately falling prey and getting consumed by your darkest of thoughts emotions and desires. Nope. In my perspective, this isn't your own "Mr. Hyde" getting the better of you, that's more you throwing your hands up in defeat, and giving into the allure of that darkness. Something that never should be underestimated, as it tends to attract everyone, even the purest of hearts. Which proves that's not really "you" in whatever this moment is. It is a constant inner tug of war, always trying to get you to give in to your temptation, your dark desires. Constantly "the monkey on your back". You know that- this isnt what you really lies in your heart of hearts. Furthest from the truth. All of the confusion and energy consumed and caused by said struggle, leaves one- very weary. maybe a bit inhumane? I know in my past, I've been left to feel as the monster I was depicted as. Time and time again. Then the disdain and / or apathy begin to set in, to combat this, like a reflex, all this is transformed into anger. To only further and try to fight of any self destructive tendencies once again. Only to end in the same result, you falling prey to your own darker tendencies. This time left even weaker, more exhausted. The psychology of lying - could be applied here. The more you lie, the more your brain begins to like it, accept it, then believe it to be the truth. Or - like a drug, it wont be too long, before you fall short, The more you fight this, just like quicksand - you'll be sucked in even quicker. Fucking Duality. You cant have light without the darkness. No Yin. No Yang. no matter how much you illuminate a room, is there not always a shadow, creeping in from the corner creeping to the light. In this case, back to the forefront of your mind. SLowly but surely. SO knowing the experiences of "practiced apathy" and utter misery- that all of this guarantees. this will leave you to deplore all the pain in sorrow weighing on your heart making you bleed, and breaking it - more than you'd realize. Where's the fucking balance??

I find it very sad I feel as if I can never truly compose myself well, always either feeling or some form of hatred towards your own mind for how it can tend to get in the way your way, contradicting your own actions- at least what you set out to do- more than you would normally. I've tried for some time to find that- fine line, the middle ground, the light shade from the intense BURNING pain of emotive torment. Just long enough to muster strength, from what seems to be pulled from no all whilst guarded yourself from all the fear, of what could be. If you slip, if you gave in. Nearly a constant paranoia anything you could trigger or any of said "dark tendencies" causing an emotive v reaction, no matter how small, how easily pushed away. You've slipped. lost focus and lowered your defenses mentally to do so, without even realizing it.

End result? You'd end up being even more vulnerable than before, only no the very negativity you keep trying to fight off, has only magnified. Enter self loathing. Ends the same. Nice practice of sanity you've been at for years now! "the only way out is through" In this light, quit hiding. Quit fighting. Dumbass. Constant resistance and struggle seems to serve to the opposite of your intent. so- when'd you stop embracing the chaos? what point in time did you allow the fear you have, over things you know you're capable of, begin to rule over you? Further more, Mr. Analytical ... er I mean, Barnes... Why in the bloody hell, have you not realized or even tried to see this. Since when do YOU allow ANYTHING dictate your actions? doesn't sound like the person I know, that I AM. That YOU ARE. FIND YOUR RESOLVE! Pick yourself up, walk it off, and fucking stay true to the person you know you are in your heart. When you got scared, you ran. From any mental agony. Seemed logical??? Nah more like cowardice. Suffer through it all, you know it'll make you stronger. It's not like you can truly deceive yourself, into a fallacy; that all the strife and struggle you've persevered through in life, hasn't given you forms of clarity or perspective in which you got stronger from.

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Now I think I understand How this world can overcome a man Like a friend we saw it through In the end I gave my life for you Now I think I understand How this world can overcome a man

Gave you all I had to give Found a place for me to rest my head While I may be hard to find Heard there's peace just on the other side

Not that I could Nor that I would Let it burn Under my skin Let it burn

Left this life to set me free Took a piece of you inside of me All this hurt can finally fade Promise me you'll never feel afraid

Not the I could Nor that I would Let it burn Under my skin Let it burn 

I hope it's worth it, here on the highway, yeah I know you'll find your own way when I'm not with you

So tell everybody, the ones who walk beside me, yeah I hope you'll find your own way when I'm not with you tonight

I hope it's worth it, what's left behind me, yeah I know you'll find your own way when I'm not with you

So tell everybody, the ones who walk beside me, yeah I know you'll find your own way when I'm not with you tonig

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

Manic. Oh so Frantic. 

My mind's set on Manic. So fuckin' Frantic. I swear, it's caused a bit of panic. My thoughts twisting and turning, they've become unnerving. 

More than compelling, they're highly overwhelming. But I'm still fighting. To regain focus, I compose this. Done trying to hide, I'll turn to a brother, that I can trust if only to confide, to tell 'em. I'm manic, and oh so frantic. Feeling more impulsive, a bit too self-destructive. Too much for my tastes. It leaves me hateful, much less grateful. Blinding my sight, to anything I see has beauty, making all I see, seem ugly.  I question how my mind can do this to me. So I'll drop to my knees, to cry out and plea, "Set me free!?" My Mind- It's always too damned manic, more and more frantic. It's way too confusing and all-consuming. Now with no time for pride. Rather than to run and hide, I turn to face my own "Mr. Hyde" Slowly a slow-burn descent into that thing we call madness. Not sure if I'll handle it. It is just so frantic. Leaving me alone with no one but my shadow. At this point. I'm sure ya know. I'm at world war me. Can't fall down, or trip up. I can't afford the metaphorical hiccup, or ill be lost inside myself, with no one else, but "He" As it seems to me, I've fallen deep into a sea of agony. Feels like I'll never be free. Fuck this thing called World War Me. By now it's left me ruthless, and far more clueless. Shit, Ho do I do this? And what can I do with this? This damn Mania tends to make me look for a form of Euphoria, Just another Chemical Crutch. Leaving me selfish. I knew I couldn't handle this. All of these things, leave me oh so weak. Don't revert to hiding, Just keep on writing. This lil rant of Mania. And I'll have to keep on fighting, With a lot less sanity, Even being much more manic., and way too frantic, you'll find a form of clarity. Shit. Now I've truly seemed to of lost my sight, So now, I can't be bothered Right? Nah. I won't revert to harnessing my Apathy, or nothing will be left for me. Years now in this mental prison- Seeing no way out, I wish my loved ones well, I may even say goodbye, After that a few tears followed by all my fears. I must confess. I'm in distress.   "You know it's not right, Kid. Don't lose that fight. Keep up the practice, of your own survival tactics." - Sounds like HIS words. Feels right... I can't lose, I know I'll have to persist, continue to resist. As I've said I'm more than manic, and oh so fucking frantic. This is way too fake, I'll soon realize that all this ain't real. Surely isn't what I feel. Now that I can tell, that I'm trapped in this Hell. I can tell. I'll need help. Feeling isolated, far more than a little violated. Up every night, lost in this wretched fight, called World War Me. And when I turn to flee, I'll look back and realize this was all me. A so-called yin to the Yang that lurks in the darkest parts of my own mind. I' ma have ta put this side of me, the duality, to rest. Or there'll be nothing left of me. This has become a way to clear to me. This is just a fallacy, surely can't be a reality. or a true part of my personality.   I know that's not true. So I have no clue as to what to do. I hate feeling this manic, cause it is well past frantic. Just a bit longer, you'll surely get stronger. Just weaponize the pain, that's embedded deep inside your brain. One so damned graphic. Fuck, things feel more and more erratic. A lot more chaotic. Shit. AT this rate. I'm sure to end up a psychotic.   Hoping one night, I can defeat this plight. Just to save me, from my own metal prison cell. That seems to have become, my very own personal hell. If I could speak to my father I know he'd have the wisdom to offer. But u know what he'd say - Quit trying to fight so to stay sane. Don't live in fear. Mostly- "Son you will persevere." When you make it through- surely to be left black and blue. You'll finally see the truth - All of this pain and strife you've experienced - you use to better your life. Then show your Pride. Thinking at some point - "damn I could've died." Left oh so worn,  you may grow torn and always feel-  "World War me- ain't real" Just look for peace - as you keep practicing your beliefs. Never lose your sight, in that which you know is right.  It's happened far too many nights. Staying strong, but feeling like I can't move on, I wonder why do I even bother? It's most likely for your father. It's never too late, so keep your faith. This way- You can stay in one place. Feeling a bit more whole than I'd been, I won't lose control of this again.  If I do- again I'll strive to win, this game that has caused sin, in what is deemed as life. So embrace the chaos, you'll find the order, in an unjust world, full of disorder. Please respect this- See I feel I'm a bit of a master of perspective. Keep this in mind. And IF I lose my mind, at any given time, do me a small favor? Could you be so kind- Show me this. And I'll win this war, in less time it takes ya to ball your fist. I'll never wallow in any of my remorse. So I'll find I'm whom to confide- start a discourse. Get to talking about this wild ride. And I'll do so with pride. All to keep my clarity in all that I see is insanity. I'll say it once. Twice. Or as many times that's needed, to make this clear. In the end. . . It's all for my family~

((Legit the first thing I’ve posted that was original, anywhere. Have fun.))

[ohsoinfamousf-i-d]

What’s up guys? Well, as I alluded to in the header, this is going to be the place I end up sharing anything my brain can pump out into some form of coherent thought, or body of work. Well, Do enjoy~ I know I will!