ofstarsandlove

[ofstarsandlove]

The last time I saw your face, you told me you'd tell me everything I ever wanted to hear on a random Tuesday. You tell me you're drunk, you tell me that you're sad, you tell me you'll come see me again in 50 years, call my name while I'm outside, and that we'll smile at each other again, like we used to.

Six years ago, I was just a girl, navigating life to the best of her abilities. I made mistakes along the way, ended friendships I still desperately needed, fell for the wrong people, walked away from the right ones. Six years ago, I was only 18, and I had learnt how to breathe underwater, mastered the act of faking everything to the point where I didn't even know the feelings I felt weren't real.

I am a liar, a manipulator, a person who doesn't know what to do most of the time, but a person trying, isn't that worth something, at least? That I'm trying?

You told me that I can either let the hurt consume me, and make life hard for myself and the others around me, or I can love, despite it all. I did not know how to respond, because I thought that was what I was doing, I thought I was loving, I thought I was kind, I thought I was helping, I thought I was fighting. Thoughts are a funny thing, they lie to you. And my thoughts are all I have, so I guess I was lying to myself.

A friend told me that I have zero self respect, that I never set boundaries, and even when I do, I move them because I'm afraid that the other person will get mad and leave me. He told me I am cripplingly insecure, and that I love attention to the point where I often sell myself way too short. I am sorry for being these things, I didn't notice. Or maybe I did, and I convinced myself that they were okay, if it made the people around me feel safe.

Feeling safe, I never really felt safe anywhere, especially when I'm alone. Maybe that's the reason I crave attention, but I don't know, I only studied psychology for two semesters and I'm not going to self diagnose myself.

Sometimes, when I want to be told 'I love you', I tell the people around me I love them, in hopes that they might say it back. I told my mother I loved her this morning as she was leaving for work, she smiled and said 'Love, Love'. I do not understand why she just can't say it back. I tell my brother I love him and he says it's annoying hearing it all the time. I tell my father I love him, and he pretends to not hear.

Sometimes, I sit in front of the window near my bed and dream that I'll be taken away like Wendy was, but I'm too old now, and I've lost hope that my Peter will come.

Sometimes, I dream of floating in space, and although I am terrified of space. In my dreams, I am peaceful, I am happy, and I am whole.

I think, what I'm trying to say is, love isn't something that scares you, love is something that comforts you. And I was always scared when it came to you. And I hate to admit it, but Tuesdays scare me now too.

[ofstarsandlove]

What I wish my father will tell me one day

I'm sorry if I haven't made you feel loved, no one taught me how to love a daughter.

I'm sorry for not letting you dance under the rain that Tuesday afternoon when you were 9, it's just that I spent my childhood running around in the woods, while my sisters were home helping my mother in the kitchen, I just didn't realize little girls need to explore and climb trees and collect little stones like little boys do too.

I'm sorry I stopped telling you that I loved you when you began talking, that must have been so confusing for a little girl, not knowing if her father loved her or not. I have never been told that I was loved, and I know I'm bad at showing it, I did try, I did, but I should've told you how much I love you every day and every night. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't told you how proud I am of you, but I was never told that when I was growing up, and I should've, I know. I just thought it was normal, and I wanted to make your life as normal as I could. But I am, I am so proud of you, you amaze me every day and everything you do, everything you did, from the moment you were born, your first cry, the first time you walked, the first time you said my name, the first poem you wrote, I am absolutely amazed by you every day.

I'm sorry I didn't hug you when you came home crying from your first day in high school, I didn't know what those girls had said to you, I didn't know you didn't have any friends. I didn't know that making friends was so different for girls, I've only ever known what it's like to live life as a boy, I didn't know you were struggling, I didn't know you prayed every night for a friend. I should've known, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for making you feel like you have to fake happiness to be loved, for making you feel like you have to settle, for making you build walls around yourself. I wish I could rewind and start again from the moment you came into this world, I was trying my best, I really was. But you have to know, this is my first time living too. This is my first time having a daughter.

I'm sorry if I haven't made you feel loved, no one taught me how to love a daughter like you.

[ofstarsandlove]

every girl should be allowed to lie on the floor for 16 hours a day to cope with the agonies

[ofstarsandlove]

Dear Jacob,

I remember a place, you and i, walking down an empty path in a November afternoon, your hand brushing against mine, my heart on my sleeve, your favourite song playing through the earphones we share. Do you think i have forgotten about you?

I remember a moment, my heart surrendering to your whispers of 'i love you', your hand in my hair, your lips on mine, my breath in your lungs, my hands on your chest, grasping, pulling with every ounce of strength i have left in me after our first kiss. Do you think i have forgotten about you?

I know a place, i go there everytime I think of you and your favourite grey sweater, everytime i remember your face. They called us stupid, they called us young, they called ours puppy love. And although we are no longer together, we'll always love each other, won't we? Do you think i have forgotten about you?

I live in the pages between the journal i kept that year, i live through all our memories, i dream of us in black and white, and as soon as you rush towards me in my dreams, as soon as you see me standing in the corner of the room from the doorway, the world is drenched in colour. Do you think i have forgotten about you?

But there's something about you i can't remember, i can't recall what it is. And yes, I'll miss you in the morning, I'll miss you in the afternoon, I'll miss you in the evening, I'll miss you at midnight while i sit at my table writing about you in an empty room with nothing but my books to keep me company. Do you think i have forgotten about you?

My heart will be yours forever,

Rinzuali

[ofstarsandlove]

Today my heart is an ocean on the waves of time, Today we are the sonorous songbirds just children yesterday, today the morrow calls, the horizon of pale blue, an eternity of stars we know have already faded but still they linger like a song - they halo'd for us.

// s.o.s - soft ocean signal

[ofstarsandlove]

She looks at me like I'm the only person who can save her

She looks at me like she can't breathe and I'm the only source of oxygen left in the world

She sees me through rose tainted glass

She thinks I'm the saving grace she's been waiting for her entire life

I fall asleep to her voice on the other end of the line every night

I dream of her in colours I can't see

I fall for her every time she calls my name

I don't know how people do this

I never imagined falling in love could be so frightening

Frighteningly beautiful

Frighteningly simple

Years from now, will she still look at me like I'm the sun in her dark sky?

I tell her I love her

I hand her my heart with trembling hands

wrapped in torn tissue paper

I tell her I love her

And watch as she smiles and hands me her soul

I tell her I love her

And she glows with a light I have to hide from

Because no one has ever done that for me

I thought I knew what love was

But all the loves before her were fleeting

I don't know what I'll do

When she finds out all I can give her is

Side glances while she's driving us to our favorite diner

A smile when she looks over at me while we're with our friends

My hand when she's not strong enough to stand on her own

My voice when she asks me to sing her to sleep

But i don't think

I decide to trust her when she tells me she'll empty the sea for me

So I tell her I love her

I tell her I love her

I tell her I love her

[ofstarsandlove]

It's been a few months since you've left, and I've made a new friend, he sleeps next to me sometimes, but it gets hard to think when he's around, like he's slowly killing me, taking pieces of myself every time he catches me not paying attention.

I've stopped talking to other people, because he gets jealous sometimes. I've stopped going out. Sometimes, he steals my voice and I'll be left in bed, overthinking everything.

But some days, he'll be quiet and he'll leave for a while, when that happens, i take my time, make myself a cup of tea, drive out to the beach and smell the salt in the air, i think of you, i remember your name.

[ofstarsandlove]

i'm literally an artist who doesnt create anything. no i can't explain it to you

[ofstarsandlove]

I see your name written in between the words in the books i read. I see you in the sunrise and the sunset, the ocean and the sky, the wind and the trees. I see you in everything i do. Maybe that's why this has been so hard.

The days drag on and the nights are long, longer than i remember them being before all this happened. We were both too young, i know, but we both could've tried harder. We were meant for greater things, we could've changed the world, we could've been everything we wanted to be. You and i against the world, remember?

That day plays back in still frames in the back of my head, our hands intertwined, ignoring the disapproving looks from all the people around us. You were always the one who said other people didn't have a say in how we chose to live, ironic how you were the one who left because of the stories they told behind our backs.

I always knew how to listen to you, how to look for the words hidden beneath the things you say. "I'm not ready to be in a relationship where there isn't a future", you say, but what you meant was, " I'm just a girl who isn't ready to fall in love with another girl".

You were always the brave one, the one who had to drag me to the dance floor, the one who sang in karaoke bars sober. So i wonder, what happened to you? What happened to all your confidence? Did it die with the promises you gave me?

It's been hard and i miss you everyday, but i've finally come to terms that maybe us being apart is better for the both of us. So, i hope you're all the things you wished you were, i hope you cross off everything on that damned bucket list of yours, i hope you find love in the form of something you're not afraid to hold, but above all, i hope you're happy, i hope you're happy, i hope you're happy.

[ofstarsandlove]

There's a bittersweetness to the way you call my name, as if every time you say it will be your last; as if every goodbye will be our last.

I dream of you in all the colours of autumn, bright and beautiful, but short and fleeting. How else am i supposed to think of you? How else can i think of you? What will happen if people find out? What will people say in a world where a person can't even declare their love for another just because of their gender? When will the madness end? Because right now, all i can think about is the way your lips will feel on mine, the way your hands will feel in mine, the way your heart will soar with mine.

A million questions haunt my head every time i even think of touching you. The world isn't ready for a love like ours, and that's the only thing standing in the way, that's the only reason i don't kiss you every time your gaze meets mine, apart from the lingering question that you might not feel the same way.

All my daydreams are filled with our late night conversations. "What do you dream about? ", i almost answer, " You", but then the thought that you might not feel the same knocks on the door of my heart and instead i say, " Falling in love", which isn't wrong, because i always do think of it, just that the person I'm falling for is you.

I'm just a ghost roaming about without you.

You.

You.

You.

You are the reason i still breathe, you are the reason i still read, you are the reason i still exist. So how can you say that a person like you can't be with a person like me?

Has the world corrupted you? Has the harsh words of people who don't understand what love is entered your heart? Tell me why i can't love you. Tell me why i can't kiss you. Tell me why a boy can't love another boy and i swear I'll leave you alone. I just wish with everything i have that you can't come up with one.

[ofstarsandlove]

I heard about the fire you told everyone i started. How you had told them that i drowned you in kerosene before lighting you up with the tip of my cigarette. Did you also tell them how i clawed myself out from the grave you buried me in? How i taught myself how to swim in the ocean of heartbreak you abandoned me in?

Tell me, what do you gain with all the lies you keep feeding to the world? Wasn't breaking my heart enough for you? How do you even have the audacity to blame me for the things you started? How do you live with guilt like that?

Perhaps you're not human. It's funny, the first time i met you, i whispered to my heart, 'he is not like us, he is something else entirely' and i promised myself that I'd love you through everything the world would put us through the moment you smiled at me. But the world didn't put us through anything, did it? It was always me against you, for you; while i always thought it was us against the world.

You started slow, slow enough to make me believe that the feelings i had for you were not one-sided, slow enough to make me think that you were falling for me too. You'd dip your hands into your soul and touch every inch of me every time we made love , i thought i was being bathed in gold, oblivious to the fact that you were nothing but a black hole of lies and deceit.

It was never enough for you, was it? You just had to see me suffer, you had to know that i knew you didn't love me even though i was a slave to your touch. I was just a number to you, another notch in your belt, another accomplishment.

You forgot about one thing though, you forgot that i was a fighter. You never thought that I'd find a way to play your own game. You thought you hid the matches where no one would ever find them, but i knew. I knew that your heart was as hollow as the love behind your eyes, you never thought someone would look for them in it, didn't you?

And you, you were lost for words when i was the one standing above you with a cigarette in hand and a faint smell of kerosene on my hands from bathing you with it. I made sure to burn your pretty face, so you wouldn't hurt any more girls the way you hurt me.

So yes, i burned you down, brought down your kingdom, got you begging on your knees for mercy. But it was never for me, it was for the girl inside me that you killed, it was for her.

[ofstarsandlove]

I was not meant for this world, and neither were you. We were made for other things greater than posting selfies on Instagram. We were made to thrive, to travel, to love, to live. We were made for so much more than this. Maybe that's why our paths crossed, cause someone bigger than us wanted us to live and love life together.

I was 10 when you stepped into my life under the guise of a clumsy 13 year old with curly hair and soft brown eyes. I didn't know it then, but i should've, even just from the touch of your hands and the way they always seemed to walk slowly into mine. I was oblivious to the fact that you and i were meant to be golden, we were meant to be perfect. But perfection is overrated and we both lived by that.

So, on the 15th of September, you took me into your arms, whispered, "We will live to see the sun die, you and i, forever", and i didn't know what to say then, so i just smiled and nodded like i always did when you talked about life and all the suffering that came with it.

I was too young to understand that what i was feeling for you was love, but you never felt the same, did you? You were only looking for someone to fill up the gaps that your father left you with. But how could you do that, when we were so close to changing the world, so close to leaving the world behind to find a better place, a place between the ocean and the sky. How could you do that to me? After all i did was adore you from the moment you stepped into sight.

But i can't blame you for everything, you were the one who taught me that changing the world meant giving it your all, you were the one who said i was meant for greater things, that i had the potential to shine brighter than the stars stuck in the night sky. You were the one who taught me to love.

And the world can be cruel sometimes. I mean, look at us, after everything we did, after everything we were, after all the promises exchanged, we are, simply, strangers again.

[ofstarsandlove]

Ever since you

my heart is a garden left unattended

my mind is a barren wasteland

my life has been nothing but

empty avenues

and I've been praying

talking to the walls

ever since you

[ofstarsandlove]

The first time i smoked, i saw you through cloudy eyes, looking at me, wondering if the heart in my chest was still beating, wondering if it would ever beat for you. There are some things that can never be said out loud, and your feelings were one of them.

I drowned myself in cigarette smoke the day you told me how your heart had grown to love mine, i smoked because i didn't know how to tell you that my heart was no longer mine to give, that it was in the hands of a boy who didn't know how to handle fragile things, that he had dropped it the second i handed it over. How was i supposed to tell you that? How was i supposed to say his name without bursting into tears? So i kept quiet and smoked, stealing all the air from your lungs with each puff, taking your heart and dropping it the moment you handed it over.

I'm sorry, i know i shouldn't have taken your heart, i shouldn't have led you on when i was so far from being in love with you. But being lonely is tiresome and i was searching for any chance to feel something again, prancing at the sight of love even when he taught me love wasn't real.

I'm sorry, but i did tell you, "forever" isn't something i believe in, "forever" is something people say to each other when they fear endings. "Forever" is something people promise each other when they think the pits in their heart can't remain pits forever, that they have to be filled up in order to live, but I've managed to breathe this long without a heart to call my own, and that is why i doubt everything "forever" carries.

I'm sorry i hurt you, i am. But you should've read the signs, you should've understood from the first time you met me. Time is no friend of mine, and love, a lifelong enemy, so this is my apology to you, this is to sorry that i broke your heart, i hope someday you meet someone who's as good as mending hearts as i am at breaking them.

[ofstarsandlove]

Dreams

I dreamt of you the other night.

You were alive and breathing and beautiful. I remember reaching for your hand, and you, taking it, stealing all the air from my lungs as you brushed your lips against my skin. We were walking and you were talking, in animation, about the first day you had seen me, alone and breathless under a tree, staring into the distance, wishing for life to somehow turn itself around for me; about how you had noticed me in a sea of unfamiliar faces, about how you had sworn to steal all the sadness from my eyes, from my life, from my heart.

And then you stopped, to admire the sunset, clutching my hand in yours, stealing my heart all over again. You lean in and whisper, "I'm sorry i left", then the winds rush over to us, bringing us a swirl of leaves as you watch me brush away a stray tear as i think of the day you left and the thought of us together again, after all that time.

Then, i watch everyone and everything around us fade into the distance as the sunset envelopes us. I watch as you pull me towards the sky, watch as you wrap your arms around me. I watch as the flowers around us bloom, day turning to night, the stars flying around us. I watch as you lean down and gently press your lips against mine, then i felt it. Your absence.

And a swarm of emotions take me over. Waves of memories washing me away. The day your eyes met mine. The day you first took my hand in yours. The day you stole a flower for me. The day you told me you loved me. The day you kissed me. The day you left. Then i look up at you, at your eyes, and ask, " Will you come back for me?", and you watch me cry, brush a stray hair away from my eyes and whisper, "i can't".

And then, just like that, as quickly as you had come, you left, leaving me in a trance.

I wake up to the rain falling outside, i wake up to a world without you. I paint you in all the colours i know how to, and yet, i can never bring you back. At least not the way i want to.

[ofstarsandlove]

The day after i died

I'll float up to the sky, looking at myself lying there, helpless, lost, lifeless. I'll watch as they try their best to somehow shake me back to life. I'll watch as they move and shout and cry and hope for the hopeless. I'll watch as they lose hope, the realization setting in, that i was no longer there, that i was no longer theirs.

I'll watch as the funeral drags on, people wishing that they were anywhere else but there. I'll watch as they come and go, some leaving flowers, some leaving memories, some leaving tears. Then they'll bury me next to my grandparents, in the cemetery i always felt home in.

I'll watch my mother cry herself to sleep; and sing as i watch my father crack under the pressure of having a daughter who no longer lived, a daughter who'll never grow up; I'll watch my brother smoke away my memories with a pack of cigarettes he keeps under his pillow.

I'll watch my friends shuffle around, not sure of what to say or what to do, trying to fill in my absence with empty words. I'll watch my therapist strike off my name, another failure on her part she would tell herself; but i could never be saved, not really, not in the way she tried to anyway. I'll watch as people who never took the time to know me post pictures of me with words I could've used while i was still alive, while i was still breathing, still gasping for air, begging for help.

I'll watch the world i never felt home in move on after the death of a girl who never really knew how to live. And the skies will open up, swallowing me whole, and I'll whisper one last goodbye to the world that never gave me enough. And then I'll go, searching for another infinity, somewhere else, somewhere over the clouds. And I'll finally learn to live.

[ofstarsandlove]