oeuvrebyhermes

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Here's to hoping that I'll get it right this time

The last week of October '23 really challenged my outlook in life and how I want to live in the days to come. I was full of regrets, full of guilt. Admittedly, I wasn't the best person you'll come across who knows all the right things to say or do. I was never that… until I had an epiphany that I wanted to be.

I'm 26, turning 27 in less than two months. Is it too late now to be the person I wanted to become?

Most people would say it will never be too late, but as a mere human, I couldn't help but feel like I wasted so many years trying to become someone I'm not meant to be, someone I thought I was meant to be.

Less than two months into this year, and I want to make things right. My vision is not crystal clear as of this point, but I know now what path I'd like to take, and it's nowhere near similar to what I thought of in my early 20s.

I was wrong all along.

— Here's to hoping that I'll get it right this time.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

You've let people think and believe you're happy with the choices you’ve made and where you are right now, but are you really?

If yes, then why is your ghost still lurking in my life? 

With your sly actions, why do you still keep tabs on me? 

You've let people think and believe you're happy with the choices you’ve made and where you are right now, but why can't you leave me alone? 

— it's not my fault you've lost a diamond and settled for a rock. 

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Falling in and out of love so many times in the past just wore and burned me out in the process. Sure, I miss the thrill, I miss the butterflies in my stomach, and I miss everything that comes with sharing a piece, if not all, of my heart with somebody else.

The thing is, I've been told that love should never be hard to find. I've been (or probably still am) a victim of the cliche saying, "If it's meant for you, it will come," but until when should I wait? Is it a blessing or a curse? No one knows for sure.

I'm not one to shy away from pursuing something or someone I love. I've always loved that about myself — always going after what I want until I get to call it mine. But as I grow older, I realized how it also made me very cautious of people and things that are worth my energy. Is it a blessing or a curse? No one knows for sure.

I like someone, and while I hate to admit how it's been so confusing lately, I decided to pine, albeit not seeing any light from the tunnel I'm currently walking on. But the point is, the thrill is there, the butterflies are there, and my heart is so ready to be enchanted. All I need is a hundred percent reciprocation because I have never entertained half-assed interest. Is it a blessing or a curse? No one knows for sure.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Cheung Chau Island, Hong Kong

I miss hiking, so our trip to the Mini Great Wall excited me the most. But the scenic trail I expected turned out to be more than what I hoped for; the Cheung Chau island proved to be more than just its attractions with its vibrant community, the neighborhood shops, and the abundant seafood.

I will detail more about this breathtaking island on GMA soon!

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Currently in Vietnam, living my best life.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

That's 2022

It would be an understatement to say that 2022 has been one hell of a ride for me. For a moment, I saw myself completely lost in my routine, work, and personal matters. Everything I'd worked so hard for when I had too much time for introspection all got lost in adjustment when the world opened up again for the outside.

New normal back to old normal, I suppose, but in 2022, nothing was ever the same way again. Of course, we could now go back to what life was like back then, but I was a completely different person. A better one, as I'd like to believe.

I went back to meeting new people, experiencing new things, enjoying the old norms, and overall, living and basking in the joy of life once again.

I won't say 2022 was a completely joyful year. It had its fair share of sorrows and down lows, but mine's highlight was definitely venturing out entirely to online media. As a print lover and a magazine writer as my first-ever exposure to media, working for digital was nothing short of a challenge for me. But I did it. In fact, I slayed the heck out of it.

I have so much yet to learn on the new paths I have undertaken, but I'm entering 2023, beaming with pride that I know I'm on the right track.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I couldn't count how many times I've got my heart overjoyed and heartbroken this year. I didn't enter any commitment since my last relationship, which ended in early 2021, but I didn't regret it staying that way throughout 2022. It just made me more confident that I'm way more than ready for who's meant for me when the time comes.

As I write this, my eyes get teary-eyed. We really couldn't have it all in this life, but boy, I got lucky, so fucking lucky, for this year on my book.

I'm ready for you, 2023. Let's be calm this time.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Body doesn't lie

After weeks of non-stop events, work, and side hustles, my body finally gave me a signal to rest this time.

I spent the last weekend in Boracay. And while it was more of a "workation" for me, I was still invigorated by the calmness of the sea and fresh air. So, it surprised me that some viral infection symptoms started to manifest come Monday morning when I went back home.

At first, I thought it was just a usual allergy when I had some rashes on my face and chest. But when I had some blood tests done, I fainted. The last time this happened to me was when I did a hot yoga class on an empty stomach. Then, it happened again. While extracting some blood on an empty stomach wasn't normally an issue for me, I'm starting to think it is now. I guess I have to bid IF goodbye.

I fainted for 30 seconds and it was the worst ever. I didn't know what happened. I thought I only fell asleep. I guess the body doesn't really lie—it knows when you need to rest, it knows when you have to pause.

Taking this time to really rest.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Of insensitivity and pain

I feel so disappointed with some of the people close to my heart lately.

Am I too strong, which gave them the signal not to think twice about how I would feel with their actions? Or am I just having a rage of hormones that caused me to be so emotional?

Either way, I feel deeply hurt.

I’m the type to check up on my close friends before doing something I know would bother them or make them feel uncomfortable. But, unfortunately, I guess I can’t say the same about them.

We really can’t control how people act around us, but I’m making sure my reactions toward my triggers are sound and well thought out.

I thank my years of internalization and inner work for holding it all together and not acting on something I would regret later.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Getting myself out of situations where I'm not valued is a skill I've learned to master through the years.

When you take care of something for so long, you just don't let anyone fuck around with it like it's of no value.

I guess this is the exact reason I fold and close my door shut when I sense that someone is ingenuine towards me.

I didn't spend all these years taking care of my energy and temple just for you to toss me around.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

An Open Letter To My Almost Lover

When two people attracted to one another couldn’t make it work, it’s the formula for a real tragedy, and it’s the perfect definition of what we are.

I saw how your eyes searched for mine in a room full of strangers, how your ocean eyes lit up when you caught a glimpse of me. I felt how you cared for me while we were out there dancing to the beats of our youth. I heard the way your friends teased you about me while you smiled from ear to ear. And most significantly, I felt you—the sensation and tension whenever our skin became too close to each other. 

So, tell me, my almost lover, what could possibly be an obstacle too big to overcome for us not to give this, us, a chance?

I met you while I was at my most carefree. I remember it was one drunken night, and I was dancing to the beats of Happy by Square Heads while I didn’t know you were watching. From that small interaction on, we kept in touch.

You were the exact opposite of the man of my dreams, but with your own little ways, you made my heart beat faster like I hadn’t felt before. I’d like to believe I did, too, since you braved a 100 miles to see me again. 

So, tell me, my almost lover, what could possibly be your fear too big to crush for us not to give this, us, a chance?

I’ve always been careful with my heart, and you made it seem like you were worth tearing apart the walls I’ve built for myself. But now I’m crying myself to sleep just at the thought of how much I wanted you, yet you couldn’t even be mine. 

[oeuvrebyhermes]

I feel all over the place lately.

Do you know how the world feels like slowly opening up again, that you find yourself having the urge to catch up with all the things you missed while you were stuck on lockdown for more than two years? That's precisely what I'm feeling.

—I'm not running out of time, but it feels like it. 

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Just because.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Between casual and sophisticated

There are times when diners prefer a quiet, fine dining experience to satisfy their palate. Other times, guests opt to indulge in a casual, laid-back restaurant. Rising in the middle of both ends of the spectrum lies Ember, a new standalone concept by one of Manila's most celebrated chefs, Josh Boutwood.

Poised as a sophisticated evolution of Savage, one out of four restaurants by Boutwood, Ember is all about accessible, relaxed, and simple food at its best in the middle of Makati's busiest spots, Greenbelt.

Read more here.

[oeuvrebyhermes]

"By the way, you look beautiful tonight."

It was during the most unlikely time when you utter these words to me. We were already drunk from one too many shots, unaware of what would happen next. And yet, you remained clear to my eyes. 

At that moment, I was relishing how good of a company you were, unbothered by the people around us, while the speakers left no room for silence.

Your skin was cold, so I held your hand. But you leaned in to kiss me instead as if that press of your lips on mine would keep you warm. Nevertheless, I surrendered.

With you around, I simply find myself relinquishing all my willpower and just going where your high would take me.

Carefully and gently, but oh so intensely.

— past midnight

[oeuvrebyhermes]

Full moon musings

I've always had a thing for highly opinionated people. I think it stems from how I could be so passionate about many things, especially to matters that I care a lot about.

When I hear someone else's thoughts that are different from mine, I like to listen and ponder. But if someone shares the same views as mine, I fall into the intricacies of how they think.

I always wonder if I'll ever get to meet someone who could match my energy with all things this life presents me. Although, to be honest, I think I already have.

But the lingering question in my mind is this— for someone who knows exactly what she wants, why is she so afraid when it arrives?

[oeuvrebyhermes]

It's a closure that feels like a beginning. 💖🇵🇭  For the first time since May 9, my heart felt at peace. I've been crying nonstop the whole week; grieving like everything's lost. So when I went to #TayoAngLiwanag, ang pakiramdam ko para akong magsusumbong sa nanay sa kung anong nakasakit sakin.  For the first time since May 9, I felt comforted. Hindi niyo kami tinalikuran, @bise_leni @kiko.pangilinan at sa lahat ng #TropangAngat. In return, kasama niyo rin kaming lahat sa Angat Buhay NGO. Totoo nga, papunta palang tayo sa exciting part!  Nung una, sabi ko, "sana mali kami, sana tama kayo." Pero hindi, kailanman hindi magiging tama ang isang mali. At 'pag namulat ka na sa kamaliang 'yun, kasalanan na talagang pumikit. Kaya hanggang sa dulo, titindig sa tama para sayo, 🇵🇭. The last video was me sending out my love song to the Philippines — "ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin kong mahalin, sa susunod na habang buhay." 💖 Love & light, always

H

[oeuvrebyhermes]

The Philippines is weeping. 

Words are my sharpest weapon, that’s why during this time of pure deception, it’s what I’ll give.

Hindi ako makagalaw kagabi. Tulo lang nang tulo ang luha hanggang ngayon. Pero mas nananaig pa rin na mahalin at ipaglaban ka ulit, Pilipinas.

Nung Miting De Avance ni Leni sa Ayala, damang dama ko ang Bayanihan. Gusto kong mas maging mabuting tao nung naramdaman ko mismo na posible palang maging ganito ang Pilipinas. Posible pala talagang tumindig, at ang kapalit, may titindig din sa tabi mo—aalalayan ka. 

When all is said and done, may trabaho pa rin akong babalikan, may pagkaing kakainin at may bahay na uuwian. But I couldn’t say the same to others. Ang tanging hiling ko lang, kung anong ipinangako sa inyo, sana maibigay.

Sana mali kami, sana tama kayo.

Sabi nga ni Robredo, ang dami nang nagising na Pilipino, kaya simula palang ito. 

Sa lahat ng tumindig sa dapat at tama, keep showing up to others and to yourself. We’re all broken right now… pero tuloy ang laban.