oddlybones

[oddlybones]

Ah, the mental cage. An entrapment we find ourselves facing when we feel we don’t have the freedom to be who we believe we are. I’ve found myself bound to my cage through the fear of being a disappointment to others and taking their feedback way to personal. “You talk too much, why are you so quiet, why do you act like that, you’re being too serious, you don’t take things seriously.” It becomes a game that is impossible to win. Sometimes I think I’ve gone so far down the rabbit hole of people pleasing that I’m not really positive who I am. I’m unaware of what is true about me. I’ve had to sit there and ask, what would someone like me wear? What would I do? What makes sense to how I feel? It’s almost like I’m make believing and I don’t have any facts that make up my existence. 

[oddlybones]

Mysteries of the Mind by Paperworker

Cut & paste collage (paper on book page).

[oddlybones]

She travelled around the sun 26 times.

Witnessing, repeatedly, the love of 9 crimes.

Humiliated, tired and pained.

Heart and mind unconsciously chained. 

She cowered and lacked the motivation.

Begged the maker for salvation. 

Hands folded tightly, whispering drops of hope. 

Wanting to stop the tendency to interlope. 

A room full of bodies to her eye, familiar.

A bodied shrine emerged, peculiar.

Floods of eternity-like deja vus.

The commonalities leaving their views.

His eyes were more than just an ocean.

They carried this sense of devotion. 

Her heart trembled and broke from a spell.

He was the heaven after she ran through hell.

She’s been fearing the fall, for trusting is tough.

He encourages flight, for she is enough.

What a soul that God provided from prayer.

How could she live before without him there?

She loves him and is certain she always will. 

Through the chaos or the quiet nights still. 

In the distance or with intertwined skin.

She’ll be vulnerable with acceptable sin. 

He’s this intoxicating breath of fresh air. 

The world’s greatest infinite love affair.

He’s sunshine, starry skies and quintessence. 

An ignitor of a heart’s luminescence. 

[oddlybones]

Happy Valentines Day

[oddlybones]

Oh de Laval (Thai/Polish, 1990) - My Heart Says Yes But My Dog Says No (2022)

[oddlybones]

Obsessive Controller

You know, I used to be a person who was peaceful and positive. I used to look out into the world and be amazed by it what I saw and its offerings. Everything has this pure light to it, and I knew I had the whole thing at my fingertips. It was just waiting for me to basque in all its glory. 

Then, I grew up and the world lost its light. At least I perceived it that way. I saw how mean people could be, no matter how kind or loving you are to them. I was told how I could never make it in the world the way that I was. I was weak and insignificant and only as good as I was told I was. Life got hard, and I got harder. I was angry. I guess I still feel angry. I lost control over myself and then got guilty and then even more angry with myself.  The circle continuing on and on. 

I got to a point where I just didn’t trust anyone with the real me. Mostly because I was so tired of being judged and told how unworthy that version was. As time went on, the real me either disappeared or got tangled in the other portions that came with time and trauma. I would have good intentions in my head, then somehow do the opposite. I felt infuriated when people wouldn’t hear my voice. I’d be stubborn and persistent when I didn’t get my way in the moment because I suddenly became a person who felt enough of her was taken. I wasn’t going to allow anyone to have control over anything about me. Period. But control became my obsession. I thought I had control over people’s perceptions of me because I could change how I was when I wanted to. I thought I could control myself by not allowing myself to eat or telling myself how crappy I was to make myself feel worse because only I could do that. I could control the information I provided. I could hide and not tell anyone where I was because I had the power to do that. I was in control of myself. I was living in a land of make believe. Almost believing I had the power of God. 

I wish I could say that once I finally fell to my knees and cried out for God in the middle of the night in the woods, that I found my way back home. That I drove back home and looked in the mirror and recognized me again. It just wasn’t the case. 

It made me more aware. I’m by no means healed of my addiction to control or my problem with my emotions. I’m still falling to my knees in search for answers. I’m overwhelmed with guilt when I make mistakes or act out of the character I believe I once was. I’m still searching to be what I consider a, “good person.” I’m ashamed for straying so far and dancing with the devil. I’ve let the bad things of the world consume me and turn me into something I know I’m not meant to be. 

[oddlybones]

Ruination

A complex concept to endure every day

Viewing each aspect like Pompeii ruins

the shambles at your hands and within them

A whirlwind composing storms

So strong running for hills is safety

She has an innocent face

A heart with good intention

But, her mouth speaks tornados

Her touch injecting poison

Life could be simple

Her world swallows yours

Quite the dictator there ever was

Her crown gleaming but her eyes burn

They see damnation

She cries for salvation

The curse engulfing her soul

Stealing the lives of others who dare to speak

A life of bleeding can surely become weak

One wound right after the other

Festering with the bacteria of discontentment

Feeding off the attention of lovers

Take and take with the desire to give

All the colors of the world mixed to black

Crawling hastily towards freedom

Begging for forgiveness

Woe is she

What an excuse giver

It’s her truth more than it can be believed

Who on earth could this be?

She has no name

The devil took ransom

Only revealing it when there is peril

Demons are best left unsummoned

What a world it would be

If she could solve the mirror maze

If the blood on her knees would heal

If the fight looked like it could be won

What a world it would be

If it could coexist with another

If it came and formed community

Not demanded conformity

What a person she would be

If her voice was louder than thunder

If her hands were cleansed

If she could dig in deeper

Stand stronger

Lover harder

Be bolder

And end ruination

[oddlybones]

Demoralize

Demoralize

My heart felts so strong

Its placement was weak

Demoralize

You told me you found me lovely

But screamed, “you’re a disease!”

Demoralize

Before, I knew reality

Now life has become a dream

Demoralize

I waited by the door and the phone

But, the rooms were loud and cluttered

Demoralize

I lied on your bed and held on tight

Your body so distant and your heart pondering

Demoralize

Your eyes and gestures became liars

I was just naive

Demoralize

“Come to me” you’d say but were bonding me in chains

“You’re everything” you’d say but call my ears fabricators

Demoralize

Is this love? Is this real?

I know you love me, because I really love you

Demoralize

Does he care? Does he long to hear you breathe?

Did his food fill your belly and his tears fall for your pain?

Demoralize

Am I just crazy? Did you tell me this all along?

Crazy! Crazy! You’re absolutely insane

Demoralize

Not knowing what is up or down is a lifestyle

Constantly fighting the brain about who is right

Demoralize

To be human is merely torture

The ability to this is a fucking burden

Demoralize

The breeze took you with it

Sanity flutters in the distance

Demoralized

[oddlybones]

Howdy

I’m new to the Tumblr scene. I don’t have many situations in which I get to share my love for oddities or my thoughts. I figured a little page with my collection of interests could be a fun endeavor.