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I turn off the yellow lights so the bathroom is only red. The sound of the cheap projector spinning, humming quietly, endlessly. I close the door and I lock it and then close the door and I lock it and then I stand under the water. The drugs round the corners of the shower slightly and I'm able to stick my hand through the tile if I want but only if I want. I will always look for a crack in the wall through which to feel it. To touch it. To put it in my mouth and my mouth on it. It's easier when it is dark and when it is cold or when it is suffocatingly hot but always when I'm alone. It does not come to me where other people can see it, unless I take the drugs, at which point no one can see me though I can see all of them. I want to stare at the sun for a while, but not nakedly. Instead I hang up quilt over quilt and watch it try to get through. I want to take more drugs because I want to get high because I want to see it and wrap myself up in it. Maybe I should do drugs before I do interviews. I make all my music high out of my mind, it seems silly to talk about it later while sober. Do I even know what I'm talking about when I'm sober? I'm recounting a memory of an experience I had with God, now with God having left the room. I don't have to explain to you what I'm talking about it, you already know. I don't care who you are, you know. You've been alone at least once in your life so you know. I blacked out every window of my bedroom in the attic in Pennsylvania and I rocked back and forth on my bed with the drugs and I cried asking for it to come to me. I want it all the time. I am so angry that it will let me near but it won't let me stay. It's so cruel. It laughs at me when I realize we are not the same. I'm going to take more drugs and get in the shower and put my hand through the tile. I know you can hear me. It's happening to everybody.

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im dealing with a medical issue that is making me so uncomfortable. it feels intruding and its changing my body and impairing normal function. its like its feeding on me like a parasite. i feel violated and gross, out of control. i hate not having control. i have a cold, too. probably unrelated to the other thing but it still sucks, its that season. other than that im managing just fine, im actually quite good.

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letter to no one at all

im going to a different city. im moving in with my girlfriend. im starting a new school, new studies. i love life and i think, life loves me back. on the train station im going to tell my family i love them, too. 20 is a big step. im going to grow perhaps a centimeter taller, in spirit, and then ill step forward in boots one day older than the last. ill hold on to many things, but ill embrace some new things too. ill hold onto my fondness of buying secondhand t-shirts, but ill pick them up from a different place. im going to nail art on walls, im going to make mistakes, im going to cry. and in the midst of it all im probably going to sit on the balcony eating breakfast and watch autumn softly blow its way in.

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my hair is fading and my roots are showing. the world has a lot to give.

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porto cathedral (sé do porto)

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Some screenshots from Nosferatu (1922)

CREDITS: THOSE WHO WORKED ON THE FILM

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puffy eyes - distrust us

damp basement rituals

bring you back to distress

lungful of dirt sends its regards

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12-26-2023, 7 AM

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01/06/23 (✿◠‿◠)

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