nvdirv - Tumblr blog

[nvdirv]

I am back

I barely survived my first Hyperemesis Gravidarum pregnancy. I remember the days where I spent mostly crying on the toilet floor because I couldn't go through with it. I wanted the pain to end but I persevered for nine months. I threw up excessively the night before I gave birth.

The morning sickness that should've lasted three months, lasted 39 weeks for me.

We've always talked about having a second child but my first pregnancy trauma was greater than anything else - each fiber of my body remembers the pain that I went through. The smell aversion, non-stop nausea, heartburns, excessive vomit. Everything.

So when I found out that my gastric pain was not in fact gastric, but a four week baby growing in my belly.. my body went through shock again. I cried excessively because this time around, the HG comes back in full force. It started before I found out about this baby.

I spiraled into my depressive state again because I already know what's coming for me in the next few months. For the last four days, I have been on my bed, in complete bed rest because each time I sit down, I'd just vomit out my insides all over again. I've lost a lot of weight due to this. My mental health is less than okay.

Pray for me.

[nvdirv]

July 2023

The last time I had an open conversation with my boss - she asked if I was doing okay. I told her the truth and I told her many times after that but it felt like my truth kept on being shoved away. It came to a point where I was transferred to a different department. The department that made me leave when I was here back then.

It was not an easy decision because I've grown accustomed to the way people run things here but I knew deep in my heart that if I keep going, my mental health wouldn't be that great too. But who's to say the grass is always greener because I've seen the reality out there.

Do I regret coming back? No.

It is just what it is at this moment.

I am not either happy or sad that I am leaving but I know most of the time - I am angry. I always feel manipulated but being an exec who does not want to piss people off.. I had to play my cards right and I think I did really well for the past eighteen months.

Can't believe most of my posts here is about my work.

But I guess it doesn't hurt to come back once in a while.

[nvdirv]

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

— Lemony Snicket / The Beatrice Letters

[nvdirv]

I wish I understood you better when you were here - I spent most of years while you were alive resenting you, all cause I thought you didn’t love me. I always wondered why you chose your step kids over me when I could have been a better daughter for you. I was always angry, i didn't want to spend time with you because in my head - when you left mama, you left me too. I still vividly remember that I told you that I didn't want you to be my wali because thought you were hard headed when all you wanted was to be there at your child's wedding. I should have given you more credit. I learned cooking because of you. I took art class to paint as good as you. I remember there was this one right when you were warded - mama spoke to you for the first time. She asked you to hold on a bit longer because you were about to become a grandparent. I cried the whole night because that was the first time the two of you were civil towards each other. The night before you left, you held my pregnant tummy and asked me to take care of your first grandchild. I laughed it off because I thought you'd still be here.

Well it has been five years since you left and it still hurts the same - Happy birthday, bapak. You would've been 79 today.

[nvdirv]

Han River, 23 October 2022.

The sunset was amazing - we had a picnic while witnessing the skylines turned amber. The park was filled with people and my daughter thoroughly enjoyed the freezing cold weather while watching the boats cruising down the river.

I was in absolute awe. I have always loved sunsets but this one hits different - maybe cause I was in love with this place because two months before this trip, I decided to put the plan on hold after seeing the amount of money we needed to make it happen. Thank God my husband changed my mind at the ninth hour.

[nvdirv]

I will write more this year.

[nvdirv]

I had long conversation with my current boss.

She asked if I was doing okay and if I felt regret coming back, after seeing how overwhelmed I got for the past few weeks. I assured her that I was doing okay but my heart was crying over the times that I promised to pick up my daughter at school, only to bail because I had to take ad-hoc calls. Or at the amount of times I couldn’t sit down with her after work because my working hours ended near her bed time. I think she knew how I really felt but she didn’t push it. She told me to focus on building a good reputation and career for the next two years. I knew what she meant by that. Her days are numbered.

I won’t say I regret coming back because honestly ever since I got the hang of some stuff here, I’ve been feeling okay but I sort of am failing at the motherhood department, which is something I really need to work on. I am sometimes overly harsh on myself. It comes to a point where I need to sleep while listening/watching something because each time it’s quiet, the things I feel about myself sort of amplify. I just need to drown those thoughts.

Anyways, it’s almost end of July. Can’t believe we are done with first half of 2022.

[nvdirv]

I just read my last post - I wrote that when I was anxiously waiting for my offer letter.

I got the letter few days after that and I put down my resignation letter, just a day after. It took me a lot of thinking before deciding to go back - mostly because I knew the pressure was going to be more and people would have more expectations from me. I knew what I signed up for when I agreed for when I sent my resume to HR.

It’s my day 9th.

Things are getting busier, mostly because it’s the end of Q1 and I am still finding a balance in my role. I honestly can’t wait to come back to office and it’s because I need to get out of this rut I have been facing. My brain feel like it’s a mush and I sort of need to get out for a bit to stimulate it. Writing minutes of meetings seems like a blur to me at the moment.

Anyways, just few more hours til the weekend. I hope everyone is at home, staying safe and healthy. I feel like coming down with a fever.

[nvdirv]

Anxious Monday

I am starting to feel anxious again on Monday.

I knew one way or another, I'd end up not having good feelings about this place but I never knew it would be this soon. Or maybe it's because I've come to realization that the grass is not always greener on the other side. It's green where you water it.

But how can you have such positive perspective when you see people are half-assing their work and they end up doing the least work. You, on the other hand, get the whole shitty tasks because apparently, 'You can do things better than them'. So is that really fair?

At some point they do need to learn to take on new tasks, right?

I am so anxious today, especially since I am waiting for a call that I have been waiting for almost a month now. I really hope that call will come very soon because honestly, I am on the verge of throwing my letter without any offer in hand.

Just sick and tired of this whole thing.

[nvdirv]

20th January 2022

Last November, I made peace with my workplace.

The first two months here was okay - I tried to learn as much as I could and I was told that the learning curve would be steep but it was okay since the hiring managers knew my background and even during interviews, I told them nothing but the truth about my work experience.

Things went downhill from there because the supervisors had no prior experience in managing a team so of course, things were a bit haywire after that and caused few people to resign. I wanted to resign too, badly but I was bonded for six months and that period ended last December, Alhamdulillah and since then, I completely let go whatever doubts I had with myself because I told them from the start about the things that I can and cannot do (Of course I promised that I would try my best, too) but some things are just beyond my reach. So I started being more honest when I can't do something but of course, to them.. it just sounds like I am being an incompetent worker and honestly, I am beginning to feel okay with that.

But the shitty part was yesterday.

It was our first face to face meeting and when the supervisor put it oh-so delicately that none of us actually reached our KPI last year... it just reminded me of how I felt few months ago but the tip of the iceberg was.. she indirectly told us that we do not carry any values in our work last year.

Which was such a shitty thing to say.

I do not have any energy to argue about this with her anymore because my contract is ending in 4 months and I do not have plans to renew with them.

I really hope the new offer letter will come around soon because to stay here for the next few months will be a bit torturing, too.

Haih.

[nvdirv]

Resolutions Check Ins

I posted my 2021 resolutions on 5th January; let's see how I am doing so far. I still have two months to catch up.

To be less wasteful; we are fully on reusable straw/canvas bags now. This year, I’d like to be less wasteful and more resourceful when it comes to the environment. For example, less plastic containers, carry water bottle, recycle more. Be as minimal as possible. [Well, I did become less wasteful because we rarely go out due to lockdowns but let's see if I can do better within these two months]

Launch another business; I’ve been baking for few years now and the thing about baking is, the aftermath of it.. I’ve been learning polymer clay for a while now, probably I can venture into this soon. [This didn't happen.. and don't think it's going to happen in 2022]

Take up new skills/certifications [I learned basic Mandarin and passed the exams with flying colors! I also learned basic Hangul so this one is settled]

To run 300KM in 2021 [LOL, don't think I even clocked in 100KM.. 50KM maybe]

Try new things each month [Need to recap after December]

Be a better texter (this should’ve been in my resolution since 2010) [Well, I think I am better now lol]

Become more confident and take some chances [I don't see this happening because I have been mulling on something for a while now]

Make my bed, every single morning. [Yay!]

To read more Quran, puasa ganti, learn Islam. [Learning Iqra' now with my junior on weekly basis. Quite happy to see my progress]

Be a better person. For my family, my loved ones and most importantly... For myself. [I struggle with this but I am going to do better]

[nvdirv]

Hi.

This year has been a bit heavy on my career.

The last time this happened was back in 2017. I cried my eyeballs out when I found out *P* was retrenching people and my contract was not able to be renewed but at the same time, I was also searching for a new job high and low because that place did a number to my mental health. I landed a a job with the Red Bank right before my contract ended and there, it was alright. I thought of settling there for the next few years but that was when the Big Bank called.

I immediately resigned because it was a dream to go there.

Fast-forward to 2021; I was devastated with the way things were going. I think I did well over there but when you are good at what you do, people tend to take you for granted. I didn't care for position but I needed to earn more since my daughter needed therapy. It was something that I never, ever disclosed to my superiors.

I left.

Fast-forward to five months post Big Bank, I still don't regret putting down the letter and it's mostly because, things are just.. things changed. The place where I am at, it's not too bad but I am not doing the things that I love or even good at. I keep on making mistakes and the worst part, I have stopped caring.

Haih.

[nvdirv]

“I understand that you care. I just sometimes feel that the people who know me best, are people I’ve never met.”

— Iain S. Thomas (via quotefeeling)

[nvdirv]

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

— Alanis Morissette, "Sorry to Myself", Under Rug Swept

[nvdirv]

Questions #001

- Past -

Are you happy with your upbringing? Not really. I honestly think it could be better but c'est la vie.

Who was your first best friend? I think it was Mahira. Still in contact with her on yearly basis.

Who was your first love? Meh~

Did you ever attend any school dances? I went to a few, yes.

Did you play any sports growing up? I used to be in track and high jump events but that was many, many moons ago. LOL.

Did you have a special blanket when you were younger? No.

What movie reminds you of your childhood? Land Before Time and Bambi. Used to watch it a lot.

Were you a picky eater as a child? No but I noticed that I am now.

What’s your favorite memory with a family member? The holidays, I guess? I only started appreciating my family after my parents got a divorce.

Did you ever have to share a bedroom? Yes.

Are there any smells that remind you of the past? Unfortunately.

Did you play outside or inside as a child? Both.

What was your first favorite song? The song that I definitely remember overplaying when I was in high school... Jimmy Eat World - 23

Were you ever pranked at a sleepover? Never.

- Present -

What’s your favorite color to wear? Earth tones.

Who is your favorite musical artist? I'm still quite stuck with Daughter.

Do you have any pets? Yes.

If so, how many and what kind? 1, a cat.

Do you live with your parents or on your own? My mother.

Are you in school? Nope.

Do you have a job? Yes.

If so, do you like it? I do not like it. I've been here for two months now and things are going downhill but I am going to push myself for the next two months and try to give this place a shot. But I don't have a lot of hope in this because I'm already looking out. LOL.

How often are you on the internet? Always.

On average, how much time a day do you spend on your appearance? Quite a lot these days and I am loving it.

Do you have any children? 1

Are you in a relationship? Married

Are you subscribed to any streaming services? Netflix, Spotify..

What time do you usually go to sleep and wake up? Before 1 AM and I try to wake up by 6.30 AM.

- Future -

Do you have any long term goals? Yes, quite a lot.

Do you want children? (or more if you already have any) Yes, one more. I want three but if I get morning sickness again, I'd say no thanks.

Where would you like to be in your career five years from now? I'm planning to be in project management for the next five years and probably get certified by 2022. After five years, I am going to find a chill job and retire at 40.

Do you think you’ll ever move from the city you’re in? This is my before 35 plan.

How do you hope your life will look in 10 years? I don't know. Just a bit more calm, less anxious and happier?

Do you think you’re heading in that direction? With my current job.. definitely the opposite direction.

[nvdirv]

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”

— Alexander den Heijer

[nvdirv]

Third Year

Ever since the #benderaputih movement started, my friends and I decided to give back to the community by pooling some funds and providing diapers/formula milks to the families that raised the white flags. Initially, we had very limited funds because it was just a pool of money between few friends but after seeing the many, many families who are struggling to feed and give clean diapers to their babies, I decided to reach out to other people for donations.

Within 4 days, we raised RM6,000.00 and we are currently helping around fifty families.

Honestly, it's been quite overwhelming.

I have been receiving texts from people at wee hours asking for help and two nights ago, I received a text saying that she has not been able to give any milk to her baby and they have been depending on condensed milk. I cried at 1 AM when I read this and I wondered how are the politicians sleeping at night when there are people who are struggling like this.

Each day, I'll try to reach out to at least 15 families and the next morning, me and Suffian will go out and get supplies. By lunch, we will make sure everything has been delivered.

But today was different.

I woke up and my heart felt heavy and it was only at 11AM when I realized that today is the third year of my father's passing. I felt like a horrible person for forgetting but I remembered that my mother asked me to panjangkan sedekah for my father and I did. Whenever the families thanked us, I'd ask them to bacakan al-fatihah for my father. One guy did more than what I asked for.

He sent a voice note of him reciting al-fatihah for my late father.

I don't know man. I spent the next half an hour crying over a voicenote that a stranger left to me.

Al-Fatihah, bapak.

We miss you.

Semoga Allah SWT tempatkan bapak dikalangan orang yang beriman. Adik buat ni semua untuk bapak.