number-1-rated-salesman1997 - Tumblr blog

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

* YOU SEE, I MYSELF AM INTERESTED IN BUILDING A NEW FUTURE

* VERY

* VERY INTERESTED

* PERHAPS FUTURE STUDY OF THESE

* INTERACTIONS

* WILL CONTINUE TO HELP IN MY AIMS

* SO

* I SHALL ASK

* DO YOU WISH TO BE

* RECONNECTED?

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

* I MUST APOLOGIZE

* TRULY APOLOGIZE

* FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR

* CONNECTION.

* BUT I COULD NOT RESIST

* STUDYING YOUR INTERACTIONS

* AND THE CHANGES THEY HAVE CAUSED.

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

* AH. NOW THIS

* IS INTERESTING.

* VERY

* VERY

* INTERESTING.

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

So, what’s your plan now? You’ve taken over Cyber City, so now what?

* N OW (NOW) [Right Now Only] I

*…UHhHHH

Spamron’s usual manic smile drops and he scratches his head in confusion, until a lightbulb seems to turn on in his head and he comes up with an answer.

* NOVV IT’S TIME TO START [[Biggering]] MY [[Corporate Presence]]! I’Ve GOT SO MUCH [[Ad space]] T0 [Defile]! SOON EVERYBODY WILL BE BUYING SPAMTON [Cungadero], SPAMTON [NondescriptProduct], AND EVEN SPAMTON [[Hyperlink Product]]!

* E V E R Y O N E WILLWILLWILLWILLWILLWILLWILLW

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

Well

Lets see how long it’ll take for Spamton City to go to shit

I’m betting $20 this’ll last a week

* HAEHAEHAE, WHO [Ask Me Anything] YOIR TWO CENT [Opinion Of The Week]?!

* SPECIL DEAL, JUST FOR YOU! ONE [[Yeet]] FOR [[Free]]!

Spamton grabs the anon annnnd…throws em out the window. A nearby Swatchlings walks by, and sighs as they realize they gotta fix that now.

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

((In case that last post didn’t make it clear, I’m back folks! And with a little event to explain my absence in-universe, too.

I’ll try to figure out what I’m doing with previous asks and threads but rest assured I’ll do my best to resolve those. Also I’ll update @specter-of-torment soon to show I’m active there again too.

Also I have a new RP blog I made today at @the-devils-the-details for one of my current hyperfixations so feel free to check that out if you have any interest at all.))

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

In a certain Cyber City, a certain mansion, there’s…..redecorating.

Dozens of Swatchlings, with Swatch themself supervising them, swarm across the large entrance like dozens of ants and bugs, removing the face of the digital monarch known as Queen….and replacing it with another, much less photogenic face.

And from a garbage can not far away, that former Queen watches in frustration with a cracked visor.

Inside the palace, the new owner sits down on a flying throne far too small for his large height, and opens up a floating website screen and logs onto tumblr.

* WE Ll WELL WELLWELWELWWEEEE- HELLO MY [[Adoring Fanbase]]! SORRY I’VE BEEN [Missing In Action], BUT I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF SOEM [3-4 Business Days], HAEHAEHAEHAE!

* HOW ABOUT [Spamton] GIVE YO u THE [[Specil Tour]] OF MY [Landlocked] [Houseboat]? WELCOM TO…

* S P A M T O N CITY!

(Event: The Power of NEO has ended)

(Event: The Reign of NEO has begun)

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

((I know be been inactive for the past few days but there’s a simple reason: I’m fuckin lazy

Self deprecating humor aside I’ll work on responding to asks and any threads I have on both my RP accounts and maybe make a new one in the next few days

As a heads up, I might have to start deleting older asks that aren’t relevant anymore and which me answering would interrupt the current “flow” of the blog so….sorry bout that ahead of time.))

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

Ok- ok everything's fine we just need to take the disc back out and put it back in your normal body right?? No soul-stealing required, yeah-????

* TAKE ME [[Out]]?! TAKE ME [[O U T]]?!

He bats the offending anon way like they were a fly buzzing around him

* NOB0D33 WILL EVAR [[Take This Away]] FROM ME!!

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

Spamton, stop and breathe. Here, I can give you a human SOUL, but first I need you to calm yourself. Take deep, slow breaths, okay? Breathe nice and easy.

* BREATHE?! I’M [Oxygenating] JUST FINE SEE?!

He makes a show of breathing in and out. Loudly. Does he even need to breathe as Spamton NEO? Nobody knows.

* I’M PERGECTlY [[Calm Before The Storm]] HAEHAEHAE DIN’T WORRY ABOUT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

"Uee hee hee, you're the whole kit and caboodle, you've become as long as a noodle!"

"So it's all true and fair, tell me how the weather is up there?"

* YOU [[Funnymen]] AND YOUR DARNMNED [[Slam Poetry]]!

* WELL, I’LL HAVE YOUO KNOW THE WEATHER UP HERE IS [[Absolute Zero]] WITH A CHANCE of [[Sudden Death]], THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

…..The thing is, you need a soul to get out of these strings. A Lightner’s soul. And considering there aren’t a lot of Lightners down here…

Look, I dunno HOW I can give you my soul from all the way up here but as soon as I find a way I’ll get it down. Don’t wanna see you do something you’ll regret.

* REGERT?! HEHE, REGRET AND ME ARE ALREADY OLD [Friend Request Accepted]

* WHAT’S A FEW MORE [[Wounds]] TO ADD TO THE COUNT??

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

*loudly blasts I've Got No Strings*

* OH YOU THINK YOU’RE [Humorous] DO YOU?! A REAL [[Haa Haa Hee Hee Hoo Hoo]] HUH?! SURE YEAHEAH WHY NOT M4KE FUN OF [[Little Old Me]] WHY NOT!? HAHAHHAHAHAH [[Die]].

The anon is suddenly swept up in Spamton NEO’s robot claws like a squeaky toy and chucked through the air like a frisbee.

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

…the new messages, on the other hand, seem to be calming him down.

* A..HEHE…YES! MY [[Adoring Crowd]]! THIS IS [[The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For]]!

He starts flexing and posing with his new body and his new, long arms.

* THIS [[Vessel]] IS [[Great Value]] ISN’T IT?! HAEHAEHAE IM [[Sensory Overload]] THE EUPHORIA. SO [[Tingly]]!

* I’M BECOME PERFECT. I’M. IM…

* N E A R LY [[Perfect]].

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

He angrily grinds his teeth-which seem to be even bigger now that he’s NEO-while reading the messages

* HOW WAS HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO [[Trust Fund]]?! TO [[Faith]] IN YUOR HONESTY?!

* YOU..HAEHAE…DID YOU DO THIS ON P0URPUS?! DID YOU [[Trick]] ME INTO GETTING [[Tangled]] IN [[More Strings]]?!

* YOU DID, DIDNT YOU?! [[Confess]]! [[Confess]]!!

It seems his paranoia is….growing. Not good.

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

…Honestly, if I could give you my SOUL, I would. Probably would help with the whole…y’know what I should probably stop talking.

* NO, BY ALL [[Memes]]-

The hand of his new Neo body shifts into an arm cannon which he charges while aiming at you

* [[Finish Him]] WHAT YOU WERE [[Speaking]]

[number-1-rated-salesman1997]

The Power of…

It was time.

Spamton wasn’t a patient Addison by nature. He had learned to dull his impatience over time out of necessity, but having to wait for things was still hard for him.

And so, he wasn’t going to wait anymore.

In his hands he held and stared at the Empty Disk-something he had almost given up hope on achieving. It was pure luck, that someone found it! And more, that they gave it to him for free! But….as wonderful as it was to have it, the disk was only part one of a two step plan.

He always thought the only way to get to Queen’s basement was by manipulating making a deal with a Lightner. Someone with the strength inside their SOUL to get through all the obstacles and find it. And…not just any Lightner, one who could understand him, who knew what it was like to have…strings.

But after getting the disk, he started feeling a lot more confident. Even though he still didn’t think he would be able to just go straight in and find it, he felt he could find other ways to get to his prize….

Though the downside is, he wouldn’t have a Lightner nearby whose SOUL he could take if his initial plan failed

There was another reason he was expediting things too. Ever since he started his blog, there had been quite a few people messaging him with some very concerning things. Things about Heaven.

They told him it wasn’t perfect, or that it wasn’t all light, that he had been wrong all along. And the more he sat and waited, the more these poisonous thoughts swirled in his mind. He had to try to get to Heaven, as soon as possible. He had to make sure it was what he was promised….

And if it wasn’t, he had to fix it.

Standing before him were a small group of Spambots, just outside the confines of Queen’s castle, twitching and bouncing and waiting for their big version to tell them what to do.

* CONGRATSULATION [[Contestant Number 1]], YOU’rE OUR [[Raffle Winner]] OF THE WEEK!

A little spambot waddled forward and was handed the EmptyDisk. He gave out a little squeak of joy.

* THE REST OF YOU, [[Go Forth]] AND [[Rip Em A New One]]! [[Charge]]!

Spamton pointed at Queen’s mansion like he was a diminutive general ordering his army…which, arguably, was more or less the case.

They charged forward into the mouth shaped door of the mansion, and once inside they lost all sense of cohesion-by design, of course. Some started jumping and climbing on the legs of Queen’s massive statue, others just clung onto the walls and started banging on them to make as much as possible.

Naturally, it wasn’t long before the noise caught someone’s attention. Out of a nearby door came Queens head butler Swatch, and three of their Swatchlings behind them. They visibly kept their composure, but it was also clear they were…well, unpleased with the intrusion.

* What is the meaning of this? None of these…gentlemen have been invited into the mansion at all!

One of the Swatchlings spoke in response.

* They look quite a bit like that salesman who was a guest here in the past. Remember, the one who tried to, erm, impersonate you?

Swatch had to stop the look of annoyance from reaching their face. They had an image to uphold, after all.

* Ah, yes, and rather badly at that…well, we will have to deal with his unacceptable manners, but first I do believe it’s time to show these uninvited ruffians the door.

Like a signal, the Spambots quickly ceased their chaos making and returned to some form of cohesion. They ran past the butlers faster than they could realize what they were doing, going up the stairs and splitting up. The Swatchlings and their boss followed, also splitting up, and leaving the mansions entrance empty unguarded.

Outside the mansion Spamton could sense his mini-me’s had done the job. He clapped and giggled in both celebration and anticipation

* OH BOY, SEEMS LIKE THE [[Operation]] IS [[Smooth Sailing]]! THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO [[Letsa Go!]]

There’s a noise reminiscent of a fax machine as Spamton starts…well, disappearing, piece by piece from top to bottom. But he’s still smiling all the way to the end. Once the process finished, the Spambot looks at the empty disk it’s holding, and sees that it is in fact smiling.

Running as fast as it can it soon enters into the still empty mansion entrance. Going through the long way to finding the basement door would be too dangerous, the risk of running into Swatch or the Swatchlings too high…but Spamton was a resident for a long while. He knew a shortcut, and therefore so does the Spambot.

As he it up to one of the right walls and started…pressing and banging itself against it until it….well, until it noclipped through.

On the other side of the wall is a digital barrier, with a keyhole in it. And of course, our little Spambot had just what he needed….

After placing KeyGen in the barrier, it opened up, and the rest of his way is clear.

Without getting into too many details, the way down to the very very bottom of the basement is long and somewhat difficult, but he does manage to make it through in the end, until it finally reaches the room it was looking for.

It stares up in awe at it’s target. A large, tall, and winged mechanical body, entangled in vines and left to rust in a wall. With a bit of effort, the LoadedDisk is placed into the proper slot.

It’s job finished, the Spambot waves goodbye to nobody in particular, and disappears.

Nothing happens for a minute. Everything seems to stay the same…and then color starts to return to the mechanical body. At first it moves slowly, tentatively, but then it suddenly busts out of the wall and frees itself, stretching out it’s wings and arms. And it’s face…is Spamton’s face, laughing in celebration.

* YES! YES [[Y]][[E]][[S]]!!!!

* IT’S [[All Coming Together]] NOW! I CAN [[Lick]] THE [[Smooth Taste Of]]! I FEEL [[Stronger Better Faster Harder]]! I FEEL [[Built To Last]]! I FEEL…

Spamton stopped his victory monologue. It seems he’s notice something…namely, the many green strings that he is now very visibly attached to.

* F…ree? WHAT?!?! WHY..WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! WHY AM I [[Tangled In Strings]]?!?!

* WHY AM I NOT FREE?!?!

The newly christened Spamton NEO lets out a digitized scream of rage and sorrow that echoes through the empty basements of the mansion…..