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[nujackcity]

A lot to think about

Warning: This post is a tad bit dark. I have had a lot of my mind and haven't wrote about it in months. Please prepare yourself, especially if you’re having a blessed day. 

So when I started this blog, I had every intention to write in it on a daily basis. I wanted to highlight my experience as a 27 year old, black woman in an interracial relationship in America! I wanted my older self to see my thought process, my journeys and my accomplishments....but lately I am feeling pretty much like most Americans...

Defeated. 

Lost. 

Afraid / Worried. 

Obsessed over what the future holds. 

These feelings have been exasperated by the growing concern of COVID-19, a slow-spreading virus that has consumed the lives of those globally. But my fears don’t stem from the presence or risk of death! Frankly, we we’re all be in that state of mind anyway considering no ones life has ever been guaranteed .....even if it’s easier to act like it is. Still its not like we need the daily reminder...but I am getting ahead of myself! 

I feel these feelings not because of the virus or because I recognize that I am currently and primarily dependent on my incredible support systems both financially and mentally and feel somewhat ashamed of my lack of independence. I feel those feelings because I recently learned (last month) that I am pregnant. And while I want so badly want to celebrate and CHEER and think about all the wonderful miracles that are soon to come, an over-thinker is never freed from their thoughts! So why? Why the feelings? 

Defeated - I’ve spent the last month and a half having little to no energy! I MEAN NONE! No energy to apply for jobs, no energy to reach out to my closest friends and most importantly and disappointingly, no energy to meet my basic needs (eating regular or enough meals, showering, cleaning, laundry etc.) Recently, my greatest joys have been limited to traveling away from the house, going outside to walk and breathe and recieving visits from my loved ones. Most days, I wait on my future spouse to help me fulfill those joys! It’s not that I need him by my side every waking hour, it’s more so that I’m afraid that my sense of loneliness will overwhelm the little pleasures I receive if I do it alone. The last two years, I trained my mind to obsess over everything that can go wrong instead of all the things that have gone right. I feel like there is an ominous power working against me. Some force fixated on making me feel like I need to have it all figured out in the next 9 months or I can’t have this baby. I need to increase my faith but am struggling to find healthy ways to do so. The feeling of defeat. It’s a motherfucker. 

Lost - Do I have control issues? I’ve grown up watching the adults in my life needing to have some kind of control over their life! It didn't take long before I developed the same need. It’s the way in which I feel stable. Lately, so many things have just felt soooo out of my control and it’s driving me absolutely insane. The most recent example is morning sickness. I’ve lost control over my own body. I throw up when I’m too full. I throw up when I haven’t eaten at all. I throw up just for the hell of it sometimes. I throw up without warning. I throw up about 1-2 times on average everyday. I throw up what feels like all the time and I haven't brought myself to figure out how to make myself feel better. It’s almost like I feel like I deserve to be sick as punishment for not accomplishing much....I should be making money for my family, I should be cooking lunch and dinner daily, I should be shopping for baby clothes, I should be exercising, I should not be spending a fourth of my day throwing up.....welp, I guess that answers that question. 

Afraid / Worried - Greatest fear of 2020: The baby won’t make it. I won’t make it. 

Obsessed over what the future holds - I’m either trapped reminiscing in the past or looking forward to the future. I can’t control changing the past so I obsess over the future. I rarely ever allow myself to live in the present. Why, because to me, that is the scariest option of all. What if the present does meet the expectations that I dreamt for myself in the future? In the future, anything is possible. I can have anything I want. I can be anything I want. The idealism of the future has never let me down. But people in the present have. I, in the present, have. 

I know I will be okay at the end of the day because my faith is placed in the hands of the lord! I have been so fortunate thus far from so many things that are not listed here. 

I am loved. I have food. I have shelter. I have so many amenities to make my life easier and I am able to talk to you now because I have a computer with internet access. For christ sakes, I am watching Grey’s Anatomy as we speak in the comfort of my own home with an empty bowl that was once filled with chicken noodle soup. But does that not make my thoughts any less relevant? All I ask of you is, if you are religious, pray that I am not consumed by my pessitimistic mindset and if you are not religious, please still keep me in your thoughts 😘

Everything will be just fine. 

[nujackcity]

Rupi Kaur, you speak to my soul! 

[nujackcity]

Some scattered thoughts and a little bit of a spoiler alert...

Just watched Episode 9 of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist and at the very end of the episode, one of the main characters found himself conflicted between leaving his loved one and staying in a relationship that may or may not be right for him.

It got me thinking about when I watched the movie Her and questioned, can the heart love more than one person at a time? Is monogamy a societal limitation?

Either way, I fucking love this song and am falling more in love with this show! Would definitely recommend!!!

Season: 8/10 (I want the show to add more Hip-Hop and R&B songs...can we at least get a Rihanna or Drake bop? please.....)

Episode: 10/10

Dance Choreography: 10/10

Song: 192/10

[nujackcity]

Overthinking - The art of creating problems that weren't even there.

Someone brilliant

[nujackcity]

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the love of my life, Sol Simpson! You’ll be seeing a lot of him. I promise! Stay Tuned!

[nujackcity]

Welcome to My Blog.

AYEEEEEE!! YOU MADE IT! YAYYYYYYY!! 

WELCOME TO MY BLOG! 

No one ever truly knows how to start these things BUT I’m giving it a shot! I’m super excited you’re here! 

Like this level of excited: 

Before I start this crazy journey of mine, I must put out an important disclaimer! Please read the following before continuing! 

DISCLAIMERRRRRRRR: Be warned, you are now entering the mind of an EXTREME OVERTHINKER! I can be a really cool, self-proclaimed semi-comedic or I can be super awkward and question everything I say. Either way, I have been guilty of the following below items due to my obsession with overthinking everything: 

1. Overthinking 

2. Overtalking 

3. Overanalyzing

4. Overwhelming (mostly myself and Sol) 

5. Overeating 

Bonus: Did I mention overthinking? I really want this to go well y’all! 

So how am I officially starting off my first blog post?....well the usual....

Writing. Chillin. Testing. Stressing. Thinking about what I would like this to be or turn into! My ultimate goal for this blog is for it to grow into something I can look back on in my 30′s and think....wow! I really didn’t have it together but I kind of did at the same time. 

Over the next couple of years, I’m hoping to cover the following....

1. My ever entertaining and hearfelt love life 

2. My super legit family life 

3. My social life (or lack thereof) 

4. The exciting parts of my professional life 

- AND - 

5. My endless thoughts 

So here it goes, strap up and enjoy me on this journey I call life 😎

****If you made it this far, thank you! You are the real MVP already! 😘