notnow-letsdance

[notnow-letsdance]

the space between the stars

Chapter 1

On this clear night, Tom’s wide, lazy grin is delicately lit, the glow of the stars and crescent moon reflecting off the waves behind us. A soft white glow rests on the cusp of his cheek, slopes down the curve of his nose. I sigh, allowing myself a small moment in the fantasy of tracing my fingers along those gentle bends of light.

Beginning in the mid-nineties and continuing throughout the years of Blink-182, this is a chronicle of their relationship over time. This is the most boring description. Thank you to Paula for the new title, and Grace for proofreading.

I actually posted this a month ago on AO3 and thought I'd post about it here too, not that anyone really uses tumblr anymore! ;) I really hope that whoever reads it enjoys it, I have no idea how big the Tomark community on tumblr is anymore. Anyway, I'm super happy to be writing again, lmk what you think (and if I should post directly onto my tumblr again as well as AO3? IDK what y'all do nowadays.)

[notnow-letsdance]

the space between the stars

Chapter 1

On this clear night, Tom’s wide, lazy grin is delicately lit, the glow of the stars and crescent moon reflecting off the waves behind us. A soft white glow rests on the cusp of his cheek, slopes down the curve of his nose. I sigh, allowing myself a small moment in the fantasy of tracing my fingers along those gentle bends of light.

Beginning in the mid-nineties and continuing throughout the years of Blink-182, this is a chronicle of their relationship over time. This is the most boring description. Thank you to Paula for the new title, and Grace for proofreading.

I actually posted this a month ago on AO3 and thought I'd post about it here too, not that anyone really uses tumblr anymore! ;) I really hope that whoever reads it enjoys it, I have no idea how big the Tomark community on tumblr is anymore. Anyway, I'm super happy to be writing again, lmk what you think (and if I should post directly onto my tumblr again as well as AO3? IDK what y'all do nowadays.)

[notnow-letsdance]

I recently looked at your page more I guess because I wasn't here back when you were actively writing this per say, and I honestly just feel the need to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you put up with so much hate and abuse. Writing is a choice, it's your choice and you writing is amazing. I recently asked if you might continue not now (I don't know if you'll see this message or that) and I'm so sorry if it causes pressure or bad feelings. I'd love to see more but respect either way. Best wishes!

Hello! I just saw these, I can’t believe I saw them so soon LOL. I log into here like once a year maximum but I was feeling extra tomark-y tonight and Grace ( @gotrigboy​ ) won’t fucking talk to me LMFAO. What a fucking awesome surprise!

Incoming ramble because I will also use this ask to just send a general update lmao!! 

I am so so fucking glad that you love my story, and thank you so much for these messages. I was so young when I wrote it and it was during the worst year of my life (yes, even 8 years later, it was still the worst). Honestly, the hate and whatnot isn’t a big deal to me anymore—I was (and some would say I still am ;)) pretty fucking cocky, miserable, and I did end a wonderful story with no explanation. I understand why people were upset. I could write the world’s longest love letter to Not Now, and what it meant to me. What it STILL means to me. I’ve made lifelong friends from a joke I made at 13. I’m only filled with gratitude and love.

Don’t worry about the pressure, when people express interest it honestly inspires me. I would love nothing more than to get back to writing fic. I do have some chapters of Not Now uploaded to ao3—which are here—and as you may be able to tell by “Original”, I have been planning to rewrite Not Now for a long time (also, forgot to keep uploading to ao3, maybe I’ll get to that...). One of the many reasons I stopped writing was because I am overwhelmed by my own plot holes LMFAO. Were I to continue where I am right now there would be SO MUCH that I would have to clean up/add in the following chapters in order to get to a semi-rational ending. Sci-fi is hard, guys, especially when it takes place in the “real world”. I dug many holes that I can’t remember how to fill anymore. If/When I rewrite it, most things will remain the same. The only sacrifices made will be to improve on the general writing (the first few chapters aren’t great) and to eradicate plot holes. I want this thing to be fucking water tight because it’s my baby. Don’t get your hopes up, though. I have no timeline. 

HOWEVER, THE ONLY WAY TO ENSURE THAT I FINISH NOT NOW IS TO FULLY FUND GRACE’S TOP SURGERY FUND—WHEN GRACE REACHES THEIR GOAL, I WILL FINISH NOT NOW, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. IT’S A DEAL I MADE WITH THE DEVIL... AKA GRACE.  

Also, somewhat good news is I’m writing tomark again. Not Not Now, something kinda different and basic, but it’s a little side project I’m working. When I upload the fic to ao3, it will be under the same account (notnow). I hope I can finish the first chapter soon. I’m spending a lot of time laying the groundwork—mentally—so it’s taking me a while. No sci-fi this time. I started writing it on my twitter, but I have changed it since. I will also try to remember to upload a link here, but I don’t think anyone really knows about this blog (or tomark) anymore :(. 

But honestly, I love writing so much. It’s the only thing that feels natural to me. Yet I am also a self-hating bastard—Mark always was the easiest to write—so your messages do mean a lot to me. I probably wouldn’t ever come back to this account—and likely try to forget Not Now altogether—if I didn’t have people like you dropping in every once-in-a-while to remind me that my story was more than just the embarrassing byproduct of a 15-year-olds’ descent into depression. Was that a mouthful? I can’t tell. This is a long ass response and I’m sorry. But thank you. Thank you. Not Now feels like the only good I’ve put into the world sometimes, it’s nice to know that it’s not lost to time.

Okay, I am trying to avoid rambling further! Don’t be afraid to follow me on twitter—it’s a pretty shitty twitter and I’m turning out to be a pretty shitty person but it’s the only place you’ll find me online nowadays. Now, that should be everything, I think I’ve said what I was meaning to! I love you all so much!

[notnow-letsdance]

I feel like this would be kind of cheating your way out of the story, but could you make a read more or something to tell us how it ends? I mean I understand what it's like to have a lot going on and not have motivation to work on a fic, and I'm not asking you to write anymore. I'm just curious on how it ends and what happens to everyone.

I wish I had a clear answer for you, but I don’t, really. You probably sent this message years ago and I’m just now getting to it, right? It’s been 8 years since the creation of this fic, but I still think about it every day—yet, I can’t exactly remember the ending, except that it was a happy one. 

Actually, if you like, I’ll copy and paste the extremely rough draft that I wrote all those years ago. It was supposed to be the last chapter.

      These have been the best years.

       The days where we sit under the warm California sun, watching the light fade to dark as stars glint in the deep blue, the moon rising high with midnight. The nights where we sit side by side in silence, warm arms brushing against each other in the cooling darkness. The evenings like the one now, where he brings an acoustic along with him and strums out heartbeat chords, softly singing a song he wrote two years back.

       ”I’ve given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have. The days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast.“

     I sit cross legged next to him, fingers absently tugging up the roots of the green beneath me, a faint smile twitching at my lips. I look across the yard, listening to the soft trickling of the koi pond and his quiet singing. My lips curve upward more-so as I hear the ring on his left finger slide along the neck of the guitar.

      Life goes on. Often quietly, but it does go on. Eventually the bad things you’ve seen and been through, the mountains that once seemed infinitely tall, are far, far behind you. 

——

I hope you are happy, too. Thank you for this journey.

[notnow-letsdance]

seems like tom found this fic and is now questioning everything. woops.

[notnow-letsdance]

Hello I just wanted to tell you that it's not fair to not end your story "Not Now" for us :( I get that you lost inspiration and get bored of this band but at least you could've give this story to end by someone else ;( I wish I can read the end of this story :(

not fair, jesus christ. the nerve of you fucking entitled children. i was going to kill myself. excuse me for prioritizing my mental health over something i poured my heart into three years ago.

you honestly think this story would be the same if i “give it” away for someone else to end? you think anyone but myself knows of the depth of this story and all the hidden hints and all the precise words and the emotional toll it takes to write out every agonizing detail of your struggle with unbearable depression? do you have any fucking idea? this story may not seem like much, but it has a lot more of my whole being intertwined between each letter of each word than you will ever know. this wasn’t an easy story to write, and it wasn’t an easy story to abandon. to give it away… would be a fucking disgrace to the story, to the people who helped me along the way, to the people who read it, to the trouble i went through to write it, and to myself. the only one who would benefit from it is well… people like you. people who don’t value the story. you may like it, and I appreciate that, but you don’t value it. you walked in three years too late and feel entitled to more. how the fuck does that make sense. how could someone be so selfish.

i never lost inspiration. my depression ended up swallowing me whole and i couldn’t write. even to this day, i think of all the little ways i could make this story grow. it’s still alive within me. i just can’t get the words out. i also grew up. i grew out of the feelings that fueled this story, and grew into worse ones that crippled me.

not fair to you

thinking I owe you something when I’ve done nothing but give you my blood, sweat, and tears and asked for nothing in return.

that’s not fair to me.

[notnow-letsdance]

I miss you

I miss you too. I miss you so fucking much. I'm so sorry for letting you down.

[notnow-letsdance]

My deepest apologies.

Hi guys, it's been a while, huh? I'm surprised at myself, I just haven't been feeling very creative lately. I feel like I've driven this fic into the ground and I just don't know where to go, where to take it anymore. I've seriously debated ending this fic where it is now, just deleting the blog and forgetting about the whole thing. It's almost as if nostalgia is the only thing keeping me here anymore (so many expectations to live up to, but at the same, none at all). Almost every day I'm still thinking of new twists, a new ending, a new route. But the Tomark fanbase seems to have just moved on without me, and I don't mean that in a "WHY AREN'T YOU MISSING ME??" way, I mean that in a "who are all of these people, where have my friends gone?" way.

I started this fic at 13, revisited and posted it at 15, back in 2011, as all of you know that was the height of bandom (although a few months later, I admit), and fanfictions and fans were very, very different back then. I know this sounds dumb, but I feel like the crowd I'm speaking to now is just... too young. It's just not my crowd anymore. If you follow my personal blog, you know that I stepped out of bandom over a year ago. 

I think I've lost passion for this fic because everyone I befriended while writing, everyone who called me late at night crying over the latest chapter, everyone who helped me with every word, they're all gone now. They've all moved on, and I just can't force myself to admire Blink-182 like I once did, because I've moved on as well.

There comes a day, for some it's a very distant day, for some it's closer than you think, but there comes a day when you wake up and you just kind of.... Stop. Your heroes look too old for you now, the tattoos you planned seem silly, the songs you danced to are just noise, and you start shopping for a new wardrobe. It's painful, but it must happen. People will change, you will change, and you will move on.

I love you guys. I love what you've done for me. I love what you've done for me. But I'm not sure if I'll ever be back with a new chapter. I'd rewrite the whole story if I could, and it'd be 10 times better, and maybe it'd reignite the fire, but I can't. I don't have the energy. It's too far gone, I can't bring it back. If I could magically teleport Tom back to earth and get on with the story, I would, but I couldn't do that to you or to myself. Not after we've worked so hard.

I'm sorry, I know this is overdramatic and whatnot, but it must be said. I don't know if I can do this anymore, I'm so tired, so unmotivated. Maybe I'll get better and come back one day, but that won't be today. Or tomorrow.

I have to move on. 

But thank you. You helped me mature and grow in so many ways. You pulled me through so many rough times, so much pain and aching. I was so alone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[notnow-letsdance]

I miss you

I miss you too.

[notnow-letsdance]

where the heck have i been

[notnow-letsdance]

I will be back soon. until then keep sending me love letters

[notnow-letsdance]

Tom’s lip ring

[notnow-letsdance]

All of this hate mail that you're getting is really making me angry. This story, is the best one I've ever read. It's so compelling and so different. The way you describe things has always been on point, and never repetitive. You have a way of describing emotions so that the reader feels empathetic, I can honestly say that you are one of the very best writers and your story is remarkable. You all need to stop sending Cassie hateful messages, if you don't like the story, don't read it.

Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much this is so sweet!!!!!

[notnow-letsdance]

I love you

i love you as well anon

[notnow-letsdance]

Oh no, my dear, don't misunderstand. I have no problem with the plot of this fic. It's original, and that's saying something. The descriptions are what kills it. They're boring, they're repetitive, and they make this fic nothing more than a hassle to read. It seems you look too hard for people "ripping off" your descriptions. Using similar words, a similar sentence, maybe even one sentence you used, it doesn't mean they stole it from you.

How would you explain someone that’s never read this fic using a sentence you used in one of your beloved descriptions? “THEY RIPPED ME OFF BECAUSE MY FIC IS THE BEST EVAAARRR!!!11!11!!” No. No one cares about this fic that much. No one holds you that highly. Just stop.

You’ve read two chapters, right? How can you tell me my descriptions (that I wrote 4 years ago) are repetitive? I mean really, you’re teaching a lecture that you know nothing about, and it’s sad. I don’t look too hard. I actually don’t look hard at all. I know just who exactly has read my fic just by the descriptions. And you know why? Because it’s decent. Tomark has always been plagued by horrible writers, but in the past year, they’ve either gotten 300% better or the good ones are coming out of their hiding places. I do not take credit for this. But I have seen my actual paragraphs in another persons’ fic. That would anger you as well.

Honestly anon, you really think I care about similar words? My god, I’m glad I’ve inspired people, but there’s a difference between learning and copying. You’re awfully defensive, makes me think you’re insecure about your own writing……. or something. I hope that hatred in your heart leaves you soon, it does you more harm than good. Just saying.

You know, on my main blog (which I know you follow/have looked at) there was once an anon who didn’t like my story either. But instead of sending me (pathetic) hate, she simply said “the paranormal is not my thing”, a few more kind words, and left.

Now, I wonder, what could make you do such a thing besides insecurity? Oh. Right. Jealousy. See, I’m not the best of writers, I know that. I’m no John Green. But you know what else I know? That I’m fucking good at writing. Hell, I’m great! Because the emotion is something I’ve experienced before. That’s what pisses me off about people taking my words, because they’re mine, and they come from me. 

“How would you explain someone that’s never read this fic using a sentence you used in one of your beloved descriptions?” Seriously, anon? You don’t know what you’re talking about. The first 2 chapters? They don’t have the descriptions I’m mad about! Jesus fucking Christ, that’s like telling someone they suck at driving when you’ve never even been in a car with someone. People are NOT stealing from chapters 1 and 2, they’re stealing from chapter 5 onward. You’re so annoyingly ignorant, anon. I can’t even begin to think of being insulted when you know nothing of what you’re insulting me for! Why even bother??? I mean, really??

My fic is NOT the best ever. You know who has the best tomark? Probably Joanna. But then again, it’s all a matter of opinion.

No one cares about this fic that much?? Oh my god, do you know anything? Did you just glance at my blog and decide to send me hate? Wow, anon, you get worse and worse as the messages come.

Please read this before you try and tell me that my story sucks and doesn’t matter to anyone.

No one holds me that highly? Of course not! I hold myself highly. I’m confident, and that’s not news to anyone. 

You really don’t know anything, do you?

[notnow-letsdance]

I'm getting hate mail now so obviously I'm 100% famous yes thank you please leave the roses by the stairs and the chocolates on the counter I'll have my servant go down and pick them up thank u so much i'm so flattered

[notnow-letsdance]

This fic got boring after the second chapter. I can't even force myself to read it. You are not "the queen of Tomark," and the fact that you think EVERYONE rips off this fic makes me question your sanity. Try taking your over-inflated ego down a notch.

"makes me question your sanity" very mature anon. very mature.

I'm only gonna give you a few minutes of my time, anon, because I have much more important messages to attend to. But you're making me laugh so I must reply.

And I must say, people DO rip me off, quite a lot actually, and hey, maybe you would know that if you actually read the thing. It's not about the plot, it's not about the aliens, it's about the descriptions. Because that's why people like my fic (the plot is laughable, seeing as this fic is a joke) so they rip off my descriptions. I think I'm allowed to be angry at that.

And seeing as I wrote the first few chapters when I was thirteen on the bedroom floor of my best friend's house, your "insult" means nothing to me, because I know it's bad. I'm laughing so hard anon, you really have no idea, do you? The only thing I'm insulted by is the fact that you chose such petty and immature reasons and ways to complain about me. Surely, you can do better than that, right? Stop the teasing and get to pleasing.

Over-inflated ego? sorry, I can't hear you over the sounds of my hUNDREDS OF FOLLOWERS SENDING ME MESSAGES EVERY DAY. LAUGHS. ALL FOR ONE FIC. This is actually the first hate anon I've ever received!

You're right anon, I am not the queen of tomark, I am the queen of everything. And you're just a jealous pauper. 

You've been an entertaining waste of time, and please don't come back until you put some teeth in that bite of yours. Everyone knows I'm a masochist, but you're leaving me so unsatisfied.